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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Married to a widower with daughters

152 replies

No1toerag · 26/12/2021 20:07

We're both late 50's... me divorced for 6 years, I was also in a relationship for 3 1/2 since the divorce, he's widowed for 2 years ( sadly it was incurable and despite battling , she lost her life after 30 happy years together)
my understanding is that his grieving started way before she died, so a few months after her passing he went on line ( he's not an on line kind of guy, just craved someone to love and share his life with)
It was a mutual attraction, 'Love at first sight' undoubtedly, we have so much in common ( he and his wife shared professions, and family but not hobbies or interests ) and it's been fabulous throughout our 18 month relationship .
We got married within 12 months of meeting.
Just in the last few months his DD ( 24 & 27, both living with their long term partners ) have expectations of him, that he'll be available at the drop of a hat (which he generally accepts)
It's been tricky however over Christmas as they've arranged things for him ( without me) without even asking if he's free....and have this expectation that he's got nothing better to do than jump to the click of their fingers ( which he admits to doing as a means of 'compensating' for their mum's death)
It is now causing issues as we have a life and friends / social life & commitments together, and all we ask is the courtesy of them asking if he / we would like or be available to do certain things....
I really don't think I'm being unreasonable but please set me right ? !!
He's such a lovely man and is caught between that 'rock' and 'hard ' place
( to add , Christmas Day did not go according to plan, it was 'my family' & a couple of mutual friends ( his DD's were doing their own thing, as Christmas is very difficult for them) his DD came over unexpectedly ( he'd been with them in the morning ) with her partner and wanted her dad's undivided attention for 4 hours ) which basically meant that he didn't join us at the table, or even TALK with any of us ( or me ) as he thought 'it might 'upset' his daughter if he was seen taking to other people ( ie my family / mutual friends)
On the positive side, a friend's 87 yr old mother proclaimed it was the best Christmas she'd ever had. So worth it but ... how long do we let his DD's behave like this? With not acknowledging our relationship, or any respect for our ( now joint ) lives?

OP posts:
MsTSwift · 27/12/2021 09:30

Hope he has given some thought to his financial affairs. Your marriage will have automatically voided his existing will.

GreenClock · 27/12/2021 09:32

Is there a reason for the quick marriage OP? Why didn’t you just date for a few years?

Could there be concerns about finances and your motives?

I think that this could resolve itself in time but you need to be very patient.

When his daughters have children he’ll want to be a hands on grandparent. If you’re going to be purse-lipped every time he babysits his grandchildren, you’re better off ending the relationship now because you probably wouldn’t win that particular battle.

If I were your real-life best friend I’d be concerned that he’s rebounded on to you tbh. I’m not sure that your position is as stable as you might think it is just because you’ve a ring in your left hand.

saraclara · 27/12/2021 09:34

@SpaceshiptoMars

It sucks that they had to deal with this from six months after their mum died, and another six months later, have to attend the wedding

Timings. Covid. Bit of an assumption there. They may not have been invited, or they may have refused to attend. Everyone is an adult here.

Your reply bears no relation to what I posted.
Luckyducky75 · 27/12/2021 09:34

Can well understand why his daughters are suspicious of you and don't take want to let you into their lives tbh, poor kids.

saraclara · 27/12/2021 09:38

@Luckyducky75

Can well understand why his daughters are suspicious of you and don't take want to let you into their lives tbh, poor kids.
Except there's not even any sign that they've done that. OP hasn't said that they're suspicious of her. They simply want to continue having the relationship with their dad that they had before he remarried, and OP sees that as intruding on her life with him.

It sounds as though their mum died at around the same time of year. This is presumably only their second Christmas without her. Must be really tough.

Original poster
No1toerag · 27/12/2021 09:44

I have digested a lot of sensible comments and observations and I am grateful for the first hand experiences you have been able to share . I am sorry if this thread brings up difficult memories but it's invaluable to me and I am humbled by your sharing.
Just to put some flesh on the bones, as there is often assumption on forums:
his wife and he gave each other permission to move forward ( if he hadn't met anyone he was about to embark on a road trip with no schedule . He has told his DD this was their mum's wish. ( We have since agreed that travelling the world would have been ( another ) pretty sh*t option for his DD's!! )
He is not an incapable man needing someone to look after him - after 5 years of caring for his dying wife, and 2 years since her death, he still cries. With me, in front of me, with his DDs .
I get on well with his DD & fiancé, there's no awkwardness which is credit to them.
We don't live in the family house, there's lots of his ( their) stuff around, furniture, art , photos etc.
DH had been at DDs on the morning, it was spur of the moment they decided to drop in for a drink.
DD's fiancé was excited to have Christmas ( their first Christmas in their new home ) and was obviously disappointed that her 'dream' to start their own traditions didn't work out ( DD was too drunk by the time they left)
At the table were my 2 DDs, their partners, HIS mother ( DD's grandmother) and a mutual friend we had invited with her elderly mother ( purely as companionship for his mum) and as a means of 'diluting' the family atmosphere - which clearly didn't work.
The comment about a rock and a hard place was what DH said. His loyalties were divided and he didn't know what to do.
The above may seem to be me trying to justify my / his actions but it's purely to put the day into context, as I want to be the best I can be for all 4 DDs . I welcome any more suggestions/ strategies or comments that will benefit all of our lives, and take the more negative posts as I'm sure they're intended.

OP posts:
Original poster
No1toerag · 27/12/2021 09:47

Oh and all assets are secure, DDs have given the wills their seal of approval.

OP posts:
Aderyn21 · 27/12/2021 09:52

All this is horrible for his children. And for the OP, who hasn't actually done anything wrong. Typical selfish man - does what he wants with no thought for what his children are going through. They've effectively lost both parents. He's lucky they even talk to him.

This is why periods of mourning existed and should be properly observed - it gives people time to process their emotions. What your husband has done in remarrying with indecent haste, is to completely disrespect his late wife, their children, the history of their family life and you, because none of this is really your mess but now you exist in the middle of it!

Try to remember what these children have lost and be compassionate - blame your dick head husband, not the kids!

ivykaty44 · 27/12/2021 09:53

Could another member of the family have a chat with this dd? Perhaps find out what might help in the future?

ivykaty44 · 27/12/2021 09:54

Tbh regardless of whether this man had/has remarried the dd may have still behaved the same way - how do we know?

KurtWildesChristmasNamechange · 27/12/2021 09:58

Typical selfish man - does what he wants with no thought for what his children are going through.

That's hugely unfair. OP states in her update that her DHs wife had wanted him to remarry after her death and his DDs knew it would be the case one day. I agree it happened quicker than they likely imagined it would, but I don't like the tone of this comment at all. Men AND women can move on fast after being widowed or ending a relationship, there's nothing 'typical' about it just because this happens to be a man.

Riverlee · 27/12/2021 09:59

I think the dd are a little rude, if you had something planned, and then they expected their dad to cancel this to do something with them without any thought or consideration.

Your dh needs to learn to say ‘no’, or if they want him to put a cupboard up, to arrange a mutually suitable time. Ie. That weekend, not that evening.

Ie. Still be there for them, but not let them rule him.

mynameisnotmichaelcaine · 27/12/2021 10:01

My mum died when I was 24 and my Dad remarried within 2 years. I see him once a week - he stays overnight as he lives a long way away. I see his wife a couple of times a year. I get on fine with her. She lost her mum when she was 17 so she very much understands how I feel about her.

My DD was born just after my mum died so I really needed my Dad and I will never forget that he was there for me. I still find it difficult around his wife as I feel I can't really talk about my mum when she's around so it works for us that I mostly have a separate relationship with him.

You are right that it's rude for them not to ask whether he is free but I guess they still work on the assumption that it's their family home and they can come and go as they please? I don't have that any more but I'm in my 40s now so wouldn't expect to. I would have found that very difficult at 24.

MichelleScarn · 27/12/2021 10:04

At the table were my 2 DDs, their partners, HIS mother ( DD's grandmother) and a mutual friend we had invited with her elderly mother

So neither of his daughters were there? What happened last year the first year without their mum? Were you dating at that point?

AnnaBolina · 27/12/2021 10:07

It seems really common for men to move on fast. Not all, obviously. And maybe because they're not used to managing their own lives and time.... but women do tend to be single for longer after the loss of a spouse.

Just because he's (seemingly) moved on from the woman he loved for 30 years, it doesn't mean his daughters are ready to let go of their parents relationship and accept the hasty replacement.

Honestly, I would even say his relationship with you is part of his grieving process. It doesn't mean you won't still be a part of his life at the end of it. But he is probably in an avoidance stage. Avoiding the grief. The confrontation of the loss. Filling the painful gap in his life and heart with a fun distraction and then he was too afraid to let go of that.

I'm not going to say anything about you marrying a grieving man with grieving children a year after the loss of their beloved, because I don't need to- you already know.

But you need to find your compassion. After a year or two you expect his life to be about you and his children and the woman he adored for over half his life to be cast into the background. If you died while you were married to your ex, would you want your kids to be forced to accept a new love for their dad before they'd even had a first Christmas or birthday without you? On the surface you'll say you would want him to move on and find love because that suits what you did, but again- you know it was too soon. You did what suited you.

Contactmap · 27/12/2021 10:09

@tara66
The most intelligent post on this thread.

Aderyn21 · 27/12/2021 10:12

It's not hugely unfair Kurt, he has done what he wanted and he hasn't considered his children in all this. When his wife said it was okay to remarry, she probably trusted that he would do that within the context of caring for his children as a priority.
And men do remarry far more quickly than women generally.

Doesntfeellikexmas · 27/12/2021 10:14

He says he is stuck between a rock and half place, because that's where he put himself.

Also, there's every chance that he wasn't feeling up to Christmas with ops guests and actually preferred to be with his dd.

He is very unlikey to say 'sorry folks I would rather be with my daughter and grieve my wife.....but my now wife will look after you'.

Surely ops family and guests understand his adult dd is struggling on the 2nd Christmas without her mum and had lots of sympathy and understanding. And also that he may still be grieving.

Personally, op I would not have married him because people make all sorts of weird decisions while grieving.

Contactmap · 27/12/2021 10:18

And men do remarry far more quickly than women generally.
Yes, because men of a certain age are more marketable. Like it or not that's the reality.

KurtWildesChristmasNamechange · 27/12/2021 10:18

@Aderyn21

It's not hugely unfair Kurt, he has done what he wanted and he hasn't considered his children in all this. When his wife said it was okay to remarry, she probably trusted that he would do that within the context of caring for his children as a priority. And men do remarry far more quickly than women generally.
His 'children' are adults. They obviously saw how much he cared for their mum as he nursed her when she was ill. They have seen him cry over her to this day, so they know she still has a special place in his heart. It doesn't make it 'typical' just because it's a man in this scenario.

I agree it was too quick, but everyone mourns at a different rate. There's no set time. He felt ready to move on. I'm not saying that hasn't been difficult for his DDs as it clearly has been, but they are adults and are aware of how adult romantic relationships develop. You'd hope they'd be glad their dad was happy as they must be aware of how hard the last few years have been for him as well as them. Mourning their mum doesn't give them the right to treat others badly.

HereticFanjo · 27/12/2021 10:21

Men like your husband disgust me. I'll leave it at that.

I hope you find the grace to step up and overcompensate for his failings.

Branleuse · 27/12/2021 10:25

im still wondering why you got married in your late 50s when he has adult children that he should have been protecting their inheritence. I really hope he has a will protecting them.

saraclara · 27/12/2021 10:26

Thank you for the update, OP. That puts things into perspective a little. And yes, it does seem that four hours was an excessive amount of time for her to take up from her fiancee's day as much as yours and your guests'.

I don't know if I missed it, but what was his mum's take on it? I think if I'd been the DM/ DGM in that situation, I'd have wanted to step in and try to get things back on an even keel.

Riverlee · 27/12/2021 10:27

[quote Contactmap]@tara66
The most intelligent post on this thread.[/quote]
I agree

SpaceshiptoMars · 27/12/2021 10:29

Men like your husband disgust me. I'll leave it at that.

You may not understand his way of grieving, but he has done work on lessening his childrens' pain. The new couple are not living in the family home and the wills have been sorted out and agreed with all the children. The latter point is pretty remarkable, and certainly demonstrates that the OP is no gold digger.