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Original poster

Married to a widower with daughters

152 replies

No1toerag · 26/12/2021 20:07

We're both late 50's... me divorced for 6 years, I was also in a relationship for 3 1/2 since the divorce, he's widowed for 2 years ( sadly it was incurable and despite battling , she lost her life after 30 happy years together)
my understanding is that his grieving started way before she died, so a few months after her passing he went on line ( he's not an on line kind of guy, just craved someone to love and share his life with)
It was a mutual attraction, 'Love at first sight' undoubtedly, we have so much in common ( he and his wife shared professions, and family but not hobbies or interests ) and it's been fabulous throughout our 18 month relationship .
We got married within 12 months of meeting.
Just in the last few months his DD ( 24 & 27, both living with their long term partners ) have expectations of him, that he'll be available at the drop of a hat (which he generally accepts)
It's been tricky however over Christmas as they've arranged things for him ( without me) without even asking if he's free....and have this expectation that he's got nothing better to do than jump to the click of their fingers ( which he admits to doing as a means of 'compensating' for their mum's death)
It is now causing issues as we have a life and friends / social life & commitments together, and all we ask is the courtesy of them asking if he / we would like or be available to do certain things....
I really don't think I'm being unreasonable but please set me right ? !!
He's such a lovely man and is caught between that 'rock' and 'hard ' place
( to add , Christmas Day did not go according to plan, it was 'my family' & a couple of mutual friends ( his DD's were doing their own thing, as Christmas is very difficult for them) his DD came over unexpectedly ( he'd been with them in the morning ) with her partner and wanted her dad's undivided attention for 4 hours ) which basically meant that he didn't join us at the table, or even TALK with any of us ( or me ) as he thought 'it might 'upset' his daughter if he was seen taking to other people ( ie my family / mutual friends)
On the positive side, a friend's 87 yr old mother proclaimed it was the best Christmas she'd ever had. So worth it but ... how long do we let his DD's behave like this? With not acknowledging our relationship, or any respect for our ( now joint ) lives?

OP posts:
TidyDancer · 27/12/2021 06:37

OP, you are in a very new relationship which has been rushed to get to the point you're at. Your DH has other priorities that you need to have more respect for.

I think you've behaved with dignity on this thread (which is admirable) but this hasn't been replicated in real life. You're extremely lucky that the DCs behave as well as they do given the circumstances. They don't need to acknowledge your relationship anymore than they already do and you don't need to be involved in their relationship with their DF.

You should back off, be kind to the DCs when you need to be around them, but understand that your behaviour and that of their DF has been disrespectful to their DM and hurtful to them.

Doesntfeellikexmas · 27/12/2021 06:42

@ivykaty44

It’s not a short space of time to meet and marry someone.

Often it’s the case men will become widowers and be married within 24 months

On another thread running a poster has put the old phrase

Woman grieve, men replace

It’s not always the case but it’s often how things happen

It is a case of he is the person to sort out the situation arising with his daughters. Unfortunately he probably won’t. As he will keep ignoring until the next time hoping that each time it’s the last

I do wonder what on earth did his daughters partner think ? Must have ruined his day sat around for 4 hours

It can be both common and too short a space of time.

People move new partners in with them and their small kids within weeks all the time. That doesn't mean its not too quick.

Patapouf · 27/12/2021 06:51

YABU and also you're kidding yourself if you think he was done grieving, your relationship is likely a manifestation of his grief.

Step back and let him deal with his daughters, there's no way for you to steer anything without coming off terribly.

ivykaty44 · 27/12/2021 06:54

What is the correct length of time then? And why don’t all these widowers observe this time oeriod

YourenutsmiLord · 27/12/2021 06:59

Assuming the DDs are upset at his fast moving on and your stepping into his DWs shoes the best bet would be to support the DDs grieving and be seen to do that. Check with them about poignant dates, tell them you will be out so they can spend time alone with DF grieving etc
He is being selfish, they are upset and most likely blaming you - they've lost their DM they won't want to fall out with DF - so you need to be seen as kind of caring of their wishes.

YourenutsmiLord · 27/12/2021 07:01

What is the correct length of time then? And why don’t all these widowers observe this time oeriod

I may be cynical but they need someone to run the home, cook, clean, know which days the bins go out and provide sex.

ItsGotToBePizza · 27/12/2021 07:03

Merry

Tinsellittis · 27/12/2021 07:03

@Branleuse

Theyre probably acting like this as theyre grieving. Your husband might have only taken 5 minutes to.move on but his children certainly havent. How come you got married so quickly? I hope he protected his daughters inheritence
This
Neurodiversitydoctor · 27/12/2021 07:10

This is interesting, I have told DH in the hearing of my children that if anything were to happen to me I hope DH would remarry as I think it would make him happy, I don't understand the lack of respect thing. However both my DCs said they would automatically hate any SM.

Doesntfeellikexmas · 27/12/2021 07:36

@ivykaty44

What is the correct length of time then? And why don’t all these widowers observe this time oeriod
Again....making something common does not mean its a good idea. As per the example I gave.

I mean seeing your kids through the initial grieving process.

From the ops point of view trying to ensure the relationship starts on the best foot by giving time and understanding to people who have lost a parent.

It varies. But let's not pretend just because people do stuff its a good idea

tara66 · 27/12/2021 07:49

Here's a different view -
The DH should not have spent 4 hours alone talking to DD on Xmas day. Guests were invited which he knew was planned and presumably he agreed to. Then his daughter just turned up and got 4 hours of his undivided attention so he did not even eat at the table for Xmas dinner?
He decided himself to remarry and therefore did ''owe'' something to wife too on Xmas day. He knew he had to adult DDs when deciding to remarry (obviously)
He is legally and morally allowed to marry any time after 1st DW died.
There is no correct length of respectable grieving time to be set by others for grieving death of spouse - most of whom have never had the experience..
Death of a partner makes one more aware how short life can be and that one needs to make the best of it.
His daughters are 24 and 27 - adults with their own lives presumable and they would probably not want him relying on them for support, comfort and company for next 20+ years..
It isn't as though OP seduced DH away from the DD's mother.

NewtoHolland · 27/12/2021 07:56

What was the reason that neither of you held off marrying for a bit longer? I can imagine DSDs feeling pretty hurt that Dad was concentrating on his love life and not on grieving with them.
It's still very early days and I think him being there for them and doing as much as he can to help when they ask is something I would admire in him. Give them time patience and as much kindness as you possibly can and eventually things may settle. You could talk with him about having certain things that are boundaried you and him time...but it seems a bit mean in the context of just how very quickly you both decided to rock their entire world's.

MiddleAgedLurker · 27/12/2021 08:00

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the OP's request.

saraclara · 27/12/2021 08:07

Do you have children of your own @No1toerag?

Fastforwardtospring · 27/12/2021 08:09

@ivykaty44

What is the correct length of time then? And why don’t all these widowers observe this time oeriod
Needs a replacement cook & cleaner, not sure the romance part is really relevant from widowers POV, remember he’d been married a long time, way past any ‘Honeymoon’ period. Absolutely certain this was the case in my DF quick remarriage.

This was more than ok with new SM, who brought nothing to relationship other than her 3 DC she moved into my DM’s house. She now had a roof over her head and struck gold financially.

ittakes2 · 27/12/2021 08:22

I am not getting why you aren't supporting him supporting his daughters. Christmas will always be tricky for his kids but if she only died a few years ago that means they have had two christmas's without her? I am sorry you are coming across as a bit heartless.

Fastforwardtospring · 27/12/2021 08:32

@Neurodiversitydoctor

This is interesting, I have told DH in the hearing of my children that if anything were to happen to me I hope DH would remarry as I think it would make him happy, I don't understand the lack of respect thing. However both my DCs said they would automatically hate any SM.
My DF moved on very quickly after DM died, this was 30 years ago, looking back I’m glad he remarried, but the quickness of it all still hurts, 30 years later I still miss my DM.
saraclara · 27/12/2021 08:39

A man can replace a wife. He knew a time before the he was married, and knows he can live differently. He also gets to choose his replacement wife.

Young adult kids have known no life without their mother. No-one replaces her to them and they don't need or want a replacement. But one is foisted on them as they didn't get to choose who it was.

It sucks that they had to deal with this from six months after their mum died, and another six months later, have to attend the wedding.

ElEmEnOhPee · 27/12/2021 08:48

I'm wondering if there is a financial aspect to all of this.

If your DH and his previous wife bought a home/had savings together then perhaps they're wondering if you will now be accessing what they view as their "mothers share" of what she contributed to the relationship? Will you inherit their mothers (and fathers) share of assets should their father die first? Do you have children? If so then if your DH dies first and you inherit everything, will that be passed down to your children only and effectively cut his children out of what they view as their inheritance?

Thisbastardcomputer · 27/12/2021 09:01

My Mum 6 years after my Dad died, married again. I was late thirties and some how felt she was betraying our Dad. I realise it was ridiculous but nevertheless that's how it felt.

They may feel similar.

SpaceshiptoMars · 27/12/2021 09:05

It sucks that they had to deal with this from six months after their mum died, and another six months later, have to attend the wedding

Timings. Covid. Bit of an assumption there. They may not have been invited, or they may have refused to attend. Everyone is an adult here.

JohnSmithDrive · 27/12/2021 09:07

I'm in the same boat as he was when you met. Three months after DH died, I thought I was fine, as you say a lot of the grieving was done while he was alive and there was an element if a relief that the limbo we'd all lived in was over. I began to believe I was ready to move on.

A few months later it became very apparent the grieving wasn't done and the wheels came off completely. It's still very early for him and his daughters IMO. Even if he is genuinely ready, they aren't.

JohnSmithDrive · 27/12/2021 09:07

Christmas is particularly hard too

SpaceshiptoMars · 27/12/2021 09:16

It's still very early for him and his daughters IMO. Even if he is genuinely ready, they aren't.

And sometimes, there will never be a time when one or more of the children are ready. Even after 10 or 20 years.

Gardeningcreature · 27/12/2021 09:25

Well he has done it now hasn’t he.