Married to a widower with daughters

[No1toerag]

We're both late 50's... me divorced for 6 years, I was also in a relationship for 3 1/2 since the divorce, he's widowed for 2 years ( sadly it was incurable and despite battling , she lost her life after 30 happy years together)
my understanding is that his grieving started way before she died, so a few months after her passing he went on line ( he's not an on line kind of guy, just craved someone to love and share his life with)
It was a mutual attraction, 'Love at first sight' undoubtedly, we have so much in common ( he and his wife shared professions, and family but not hobbies or interests ) and it's been fabulous throughout our 18 month relationship .
We got married within 12 months of meeting.
Just in the last few months his DD ( 24 & 27, both living with their long term partners ) have expectations of him, that he'll be available at the drop of a hat (which he generally accepts)
It's been tricky however over Christmas as they've arranged things for him ( without me) without even asking if he's free....and have this expectation that he's got nothing better to do than jump to the click of their fingers ( which he admits to doing as a means of 'compensating' for their mum's death)
It is now causing issues as we have a life and friends / social life & commitments together, and all we ask is the courtesy of them asking if he / we would like or be available to do certain things....
I really don't think I'm being unreasonable but please set me right ? !!
He's such a lovely man and is caught between that 'rock' and 'hard ' place
( to add , Christmas Day did not go according to plan, it was 'my family' & a couple of mutual friends ( his DD's were doing their own thing, as Christmas is very difficult for them) his DD came over unexpectedly ( he'd been with them in the morning ) with her partner and wanted her dad's undivided attention for 4 hours ) which basically meant that he didn't join us at the table, or even TALK with any of us ( or me ) as he thought 'it might 'upset' his daughter if he was seen taking to other people ( ie my family / mutual friends)
On the positive side, a friend's 87 yr old mother proclaimed it was the best Christmas she'd ever had. So worth it but ... how long do we let his DD's behave like this? With not acknowledging our relationship, or any respect for our ( now joint ) lives?

You sound lovely, thoughtful & want to do what's best for all. Your extra context explains more of that too.
2 years isn't very long for the ladies to have lost their mum & they naturally cling to their dad & try to work it through. And he is helping them do that. But it does require him to say 'no I'm busy' once or twice. It's not about neglecting them, but about reminding about adult boundaries. If he makes himself available & cancels other things to accommodate a little thing here or there then they'll perceive that it's his preference & is ok. If it's really not ok for him, he needs to say it's not.
It may get a little rockier as I see you said one was fiancé. A wedding may bring up more emotions so just brace yourself for that.
I'm intrigued what did your DH mum think of the scenario that day? Was there no engagement with granddaughter & grandmother, on Christmas Day?

You sound clueless. Why had this all not dawned on you before. It's so obvious. I would be very upset at his speed, if I was his dd's.

It's fine for the first wife to express the wish that the widower should remarry, but as we agree that grieving is done at its own pace it's quite likely that the daughters are still grieving their mother. I know I was still grieving my mother when my dad remarried 6 years later. (The death was rather traumatic in this case). In the end I was glad for him but that too took time, and I'm sure I didn't behave well at the beginning.
I think you need to let your DH and his daughters have their own time together on occasion. Also, Xmas was often too much for me, solely because mum wasn't there.

They might be adults but they are his children. I don't think you mourn your mum any less because you were in your 20s when she died. And they too have lived through years of her illness. And now they have to adjust to their dad effectively replacing her within 5 minutes of her death. I think he was massively selfish to for what was good for him at the expense of what was good for his children.

I'm not saying he should never meet someone else, but I do strongly believe that the indecent haste with which he's married again is damaging to his children and it was selfish - as a parent he ought to be taking care of them first. And it's damaged the OP too because he's not given his children the time they needed to process their loss and adjust their dad meeting someone new and this is now biting the OP on the arse.

Someone in DHs family married less than a year from his wife dying. He was terribly lonely though. His children didn’t want to spend that much time with him though (he could be hard work). So he met someone and married fast. It caused a huge bust up with his children. Sadly he didn’t live very long himself and the new wife inherited everything.

I am glad to hear though that he's protecting them financially and that he hasn't just installed his new wife in his children's family home.
Although that is the right thing, those kids may also be mourning the loss of a family home. They've had a lot to contend with in a short time. If one of the kids is getting married, that's going to bring up a lot of feelings because everything that woman does in the run up to her wedding is going to be a huge reminder that her mum isn't there. And that her dad will be there with a replacement!

I think @saraclara’s comments are spot on

OP: you are having to deal with a lot of judgment, but it’s a bit late for that as you are married already

I lost my dad in my 20s, the idea of my mum remarrying in the first few years would have hurt me very much

I am also close friends with a family who lost their mum (to cancer) and whose dad started seeing an older family friend about 4-6 months later- ie replacing the spouse. Sometimes men do move on quickly, especially if there has been illness: and the rights and wrongs of that are a bit irrelevant now as it’s done

What I can say is that in that family (kids early 30s) - the 3 siblings reacted differently. Oldest daughter furious & does not accept new GF, middle son stoic but accepting - thinks dad moved on too fast but doesn’t blame new woman/actually likes her, youngest daughter thinks dad being ridiculous but again not hostile to the GF (but would not accept a marriage)

The useful thing to understand is:

• 24 & 27 is SO young. It’s just not a normal age to lose a parent, and just 2 years in it will still be raw
• Christmas is a really difficult time, old hurts are most raw & expectations high

You don’t know how next Xmas & the year after will be, IME birth of kids is the biggest thing that shifts focus

For next year: think about planning some time for your husband to be with his daughters alone (just the 3 of them), & maybe make that part of your plans for as many years as needed

Remarrying can be the right/life affirming thing to do (although I do agree it sounds a bit rushed on this case), but keeping a space for the ‘first’ family is compassionate, eve if can be tough emotionally for new spouse. You are more the adult here than his kids so I’m sure the two of you can come to a solution

President Biden always goes to visit his wife’s grave at Xmas - doesn’t make him less married to current wife

Op the wife wanted her husband to go on and be happy of course and not live out his days alone however I doubt she expected him to be online looking for another woman before her body was even cold and at the detriment to his dds. You can brush it up as you like that is appalling I doubt it was their dm wishes for their dds to be hurting like they are and effectively being replaced before the anniversary of the first year of her death.

My father died unexpectedly when I was 7 years old. My mother remarried less than a year after his death and we moved to a foreign country. A year later they had a child and I was sent to boarding school in England. It took me a long long time to come to terms with that even though my step father turned put to be the most wonderful man and I very much loved my sibling. Just because his daughters were adults it does not make the loss any easier nor his fathers remarriage any better to deal with so soon after their mother's death.

I had a feeling before I even clicked to open the thread that this would involve a stereotypical situation of a widowed man jumping into a new relationship within moments of his wife dying. Ridiculously quick time to remarry also.

Frankly the man is damn luckily his daughters still want to have a relationship with his, so of course he’s going to jump when they say jump. Blood is thicker than water.

It’s hard to believe that you seem to naive and heartless about their feelings really.

I don't see a problem with rushing into a relationship and marriage. For older couples time isn't on your side, so what's the point of waiting? I think his DDs have a right to call on their father after the sad loss of their mother, and you need to respect that. They are not demanding his attention several times a week, so you must learn to share him.

I think it's a bit pathetic of the H to say he is between a rock and a hard place tbh. He isn't really, he just needs to put in place some boundaries with either his wife or his daughters because it's clear he can't please both of them. But it's also clear he is weak and won't do that either.

And he kind of created this rock and a hard place by getting married so quickly. And you put your self in this position to OP by marrying someone so quickly after his wife's death. It seems to me that no one thought of the dds at all.

DH said he hoped I'd be happy again, but we never talked about the effect of me "moving on" on DC. We should have.

DH said he hoped I'd be happy again, but we never talked about the effect of me "moving on" on DC. We should have.

However thoughtful you are, no child actually wants a stepparent after their parent dies. Whether they are 2, 22, 32 or older. For it to work, it involves all the family in change and adaption - and sometimes a child will not even entertain the notion before their remaining parent dies.

Those dictating 'unseemly haste' in other people's relationships tend to be somewhat less particular when it comes to their own!

It seems that this family have been through hell - 5 years terminal illness and 2 years since death. That’s a huge impact which would have started when these girls were teenagers. They all have a long way to go - and you it’s seems convenient for you to assume the grieving started during the illness. However you seem to have a good relationship with the girls and I would just allow this family of 3 to work through their grief together.

@SpaceshiptoMars

DH said he hoped I'd be happy again, but we never talked about the effect of me "moving on" on DC. We should have.

However thoughtful you are, no child actually wants a stepparent after their parent dies. Whether they are 2, 22, 32 or older. For it to work, it involves all the family in change and adaption - and sometimes a child will not even entertain the notion before their remaining parent dies.

Those dictating 'unseemly haste' in other people's relationships tend to be somewhat less particular when it comes to their own!

Its true. It can be difficult to accept at any point.

However, doing it all under 2 years was likely to make it infinitely more difficult for anyone to adapt to. They didn't even they chance to adapt to their Mums death.

He didn't give himself chance to adapt to his wife being dead, no longer being a carer, living alone. Didn't even give himself a chance to get used to dating someone else. Just jumped in and got married.

Op hasn't said they have a problem with her. Just that 2 people in their 20s are struggling, on what is only the 2nd Christmas she has been gone.

And likey he wanted to be there for her. And maybe didn't really want a Christmas as with a new family and wanted to grieve as well.

Your last paragraph makes no sense. If people want to make difficult situations more difficult and Complicated, like the op and her dh has....then they need to accept it was be complicated.

@SpaceshiptoMars
The OP herself says that she was divorced for 6 years, out of a subsequent 3.5 year relationship and married to this new partner within a year. That is by anyone's reckoning a woman who moves with unusual haste.

@Tattler2

The OP has carried her own DDs with her in her journey, so must be taking feelings into account generally. To organize and publish the wills so quickly demonstrates a rare degree of sensitivity and ability to construct acceptable compromises.

Her DH was apparently alone for 6 months before getting involved with the OP, as it appears that his DDs had their own lives and partners away from the family home. Six months, with the memories of a beloved wife deteriorating, suffering, dying can be an absolute eternity. Especially without a job to dilute that, or young children to snap you back into the present.

The situation isn't easy for anyone, but the judgement here is insane.

@SpaceshiptoMars
I wasn't making a judgement only measuring the time. Within 6 years the OP got a divorce, engaged in a 3.5 year relationship and then met a married another man .

That is not a judgement but rather an acknowledgement of her active timeline. Saying that she acts with haste is accurate rather than judgemental.

I really don't think it's true that no child (or adult child) ever wants a step parent after their parent dies. My mum was nothing but delighted that her dad found love again. Her new step mum was loving and kind and most of all she cared for my grandad, which took a lot of pressure off my mum. DM is now widowed herself and would love to find a new partner. Odds are against her, but I'd honestly be so happy for her if it happened.

I was a bit older than the DDs in the OP's situation when my dad died, but it's definitely not been a case of my mum supporting me with the loss of my dad - much more me and DSis supporting my mum with the loss of her husband. I think people are being a bit harsh on the husband to suggest his main focus should be on the needs of his adult DDs - why should it? any more than their focus be on supporting their widowed dad?

Just my personal view but I do think that when you are a parent, that is a forever deal - however old your children get, you are their mum or dad and their well-being should be at the heart of your decisions. That's not to say that their wants come ahead of parental need or that they get their own way no matter what. But, when something major happens, like losing their other parent, as the remaining parent you should consider their feelings and not rush into new marriages before they've had time to adjust to the loss. The precise timing of these things will vary from family to family but by most peoples reckoning this has been done too soon.
I get that a lot of men in particular are trying to recreate the happiness they felt when married but to the kids it feels like their mum was replaceable.

Firefliess they dm had a terminal illness from when they were still teenagers and untilmately died its clear they had afew difficult years even they needed their mom.the most.

You have no insight do you and precious little empathy.

I feel so sorry for his daughters. The pair of you acted with indecent haste. So disrespectful.

I think op is getting a hard time here. All she is asking is that, if she and dh have plans, the dd don’t barge in and disrupt them. Common courtesy. At no time as she said her dh should stop seeing them.

Yes, she did meet and marry her dh relatively quickly, but that’s done and dusted now. It wasn’t a shotgun wedding, and dh voluntarily went on dating sites relatively quickly.

As so often on mn, she has a dh problem here. He needs to put in boundaries. Be there for his adult dd, but if op and dh had planned a night out with friends, not be afraid to say that it’s not convenient that dd and them meet up that night.

I think op is getting a hard time here. All she is asking is that, if she and dh have plans, the dd don’t barge in and disrupt them
As long as that goes for ops dds as well though. She has to tell them they can't come over when they want with out the dhs approval.