Who is the default carer if DH can't do it?

[SpiderFluff]

Is it their other parent? Who is 100% all the time their parent even when it is not their contact time.

Or is it me? Who married their dad?

Basically DH has a scheduled appointment. We've been bumbling along assuming mum would look after the kids and she has assumed I will be looming after them? I have my own life, child and job to deal with she has a few hours here and there and they are HER kids!

Am I being totally unfair here? Should I be the one who takes time off for their kids?

How old are the children?

Wanting a day off from your kid(s) is totally normal. Saying you'd rather fuck off with your own 'little one' leaving the step kids with anyone but you when your 'D' husband is strange. Blaming the ex is also strange.

Why do women get married to men with children yet refuse to see those children as their responsibility?

Because the children aren't their responsibility? They're the responsibility of the parents. Step-parents have no rights in relation to stepchildren, and no responsibilities either.

The OP's DH could walk out of her life tomorrow and she would have no right to a continued relationship with her SDC.

@SpiderFluff

It doesn't matter at the end of the day, it's still his problem and not hers. it matters to me.

It may still be his problem to sort out but I'm the one who now looks bad as she has told them I am looking after them and I am not.

You won't look bad if your DH actually goes back to his EXDW himself and says actually I got it wrong, @SpiderFluff isn't available for childcare. If you are free, it would be helpful if they could stay put, alternatively A.N. Other will be looking after the DC.

You shouldn't assume responsibility for resolving a mess your DH made; ask him clearly what he plans to do rather than passively waiting to see if the DSC get dropped at your door. Suggesting that you move out so you don't have to look after the DSC is madness; presumably your DH will need someone to support him following his operation??? You all need to do more talking and less assuming.

@kirinm

Wanting a day off from your kid(s) is totally normal. Saying you'd rather fuck off with your own 'little one' leaving the step kids with anyone but you when your 'D' husband is strange. Blaming the ex is also strange.

Why do women get married to men with children yet refuse to see those children as their responsibility?

They are not my responsibility. I have enough responsibilities without taking on anymore.

@SpiderFluff

The ex-partner has assumed you and your husband have discussed among yourselves and that you are looking after the kids. well she bloody well shouldn't assume this.

But your partner shouldn't bloody well assume their mum is free to look after them without explicitly checking!

The person at fault here is your partner for his shit communication. He can't just say "I can't look after them (aka be a parent) that weekend" and expect his ex will just sort it.

@Goldbar then don't marry a man with kids. You don't have to be legally responsible for them to give a shit about them.

Charitably I hope your dh is very distracted with his operation, and it’s not that he doesn’t respect either you or his ex. thank you for thinking charitably of him. I do think this is the case. But I'm going to tell him he needs to think of the actions he is requiring from his communications. If he doesn't ask for the help people aren't going to know to offer it.

You won't look bad if your DH actually goes back to his EXDW himself and says actually I got it wrong, @SpiderFluff isn't available for childcare. If you are free, it would be helpful if they could stay put, alternatively A.N. Other will be looking after the DC. good idea yes. I'm going to speak to DH tomorrow. We've had a lovely boxing day and it was actually quite relaxed haha!!

[quote kirinm]@Goldbar then don't marry a man with kids. You don't have to be legally responsible for them to give a shit about them. [/quote]
You don't have to push yourself so far you gave a breakdown and fall apart in order to give a shit about someone.

It looks like he's not having surgery then doesn't it. Despite having months to plan child care he hasn't bothered. Given that he can't leave them alone he has no choice but to rearrange the date.

That is 100% his fault.

You seem very cross at the wrong person.

It's also bloody horrendous comparing sorting child care for a planned procedure to that of the sudden and unexpected death of a parent. They are absolutely unrelated situations.

[quote kirinm]@Goldbar then don't marry a man with kids. You don't have to be legally responsible for them to give a shit about them. [/quote]
But 'giving a shit' about them is quite different from being used as free childcare. Stepmums aren't 'mums' - if they have any family role, it's more akin to that of a caring aunt. You'd expect a sibling to offer help in an emergency (which this isn't) or as an occasional favour but you're not going to be expecting them to do the school run everyday or to babysit without asking in advance.

@lunar1 that wouldn't be in the kids best interest. He is having the surgery.

He needs to sort the childcare then doesn’t he.

@Theremoresefulday

He needs to sort the childcare then doesn’t he.

Yes we've established this thanks..

Saying you'd rather fuck off with your own 'little one' leaving the step kids with anyone but you when your 'D' husband is strange.

The OP has clearly got a lot going on at the moment so how about cutting her some slack? If her going to her parents for the weekend with her little one saves her from having a breakdown then she should be doing that.
What she shouldn’t be doing is putting childcare of her step kids over her mental health. Because believe it or not she matters, and there will always be someone else to look after them if their father tries a bit harder.

then don't marry a man with kids. You don't have to be legally responsible for them to give a shit about them.

I’m sure she does give a shit about them. She’s just not martyring herself…

Can your DH do a swap with his ex?

I would say the other parent 100% however it's courtesy for the father to have had a conversation with the mother in advance to ensure that she can be available, and not to just assume

How is he having surgery without childcare?

Well, quite obviously your DH needs to sort care, doesn't he? Are you saying if the mum had an appointment on 'her' days with the kids, it would be up to your DH to find childcare?

I dunno really.

The default position on here which the OP clearly prescribes to is that the DSC have fuck all to do with OP and she shouldn't be expected to look after them under any circumstances.

In the real world and amongst most reasonable people, it is generally assumed that a DH and a DW work together as a team to look after the DCs of both parties.

I have 3 DCs and am married to a man who is not their father. My DH looks after my DCs if required, does things for them and generally acts in loco parentis. He does so because he is part of our family unit and he cares about and loves me and them.

If I was unable to look after them for whatever reason due to work or a prior commitment, he would step up and indeed has done so on numerous occasions. If he turned round and said that these kids are nothing to do with me, sort it out yourself, I wouldn't see our marriage lasting.

We're a team, not 2 separate families co existing under 1 roof.

Some of the attitudes to DSCs on here make me cringe.

@funinthesun19

then don't marry a man with kids. You don't have to be legally responsible for them to give a shit about them.

I’m sure she does give a shit about them. She’s just not martyring herself…

How is looking after her step kids when their father is in hospital being a martyr? It is such a fucked up way to look at things.

@Goldbar why don't step families see themselves as actual families that support one another? Don't you see that referring to looking after your step kids as 'free childcare' really minimises or even dismisses that 'family' relationship. I have step parents on both sides and my DP is a step parent to my child. I'm obviously an adult now but I would've been gutted to have been dismissed as someone else's problem when I was younger.