Who is the default carer if DH can't do it?

[SpiderFluff]

Is it their other parent? Who is 100% all the time their parent even when it is not their contact time.

Or is it me? Who married their dad?

Basically DH has a scheduled appointment. We've been bumbling along assuming mum would look after the kids and she has assumed I will be looming after them? I have my own life, child and job to deal with she has a few hours here and there and they are HER kids!

Am I being totally unfair here? Should I be the one who takes time off for their kids?

@troper

And if that's how he asks the mother of his child for a favour, his attitude stinks. Not an ounce of gratitude or so much as a 'please' or 'do you mind'

Okay... Yes he could have been politer for sure.

But it still definitely reads more like he's asking her not that he's asked someone else.

I get it people are being pedantic because he didn't literally ask a question but it's obvious what he meant.

She could be at work or out or doing any other manner of things for all I know.

And so could the mum.....

Is a mum supposed to take annual leave for her ex to have surgery?

I'm baffled at this thread turning into a debate about whether the OP or the mum is in the wrong. The only one in the wrong is the dad

I'm not talking about this specific mum or step mum. I'm not saying that she's in the wrong either.

My original point was about the general attitude on Mumsnet that your kids are fuck all to do with you when they are with their other parent. I don't get it and never will personally. I think it's a terrible way to parent but each to their own.

And that is not saying that you have to be at your exes beck and call. If you have plans you have plans. But you do have to expect some instances like this when you'll be expected to step up in your exes time (unless you really can't). People genuinely think he should ask a babysitter before the mother of the child and I just find that really weird and nothing I've ever read on here has ever changed my mind about that.

If the mother had been asked and was free, she would probably have been happy to have them.

She wasn't asked and isn't free. The OP hasn't been asked and isn't free. The buck therefore stops with the children's father.

Luckily for all, this story has a happy ending in the form of a babysitter. Yes, he'll have to pay a few £££ but that's life. If I'm late for a meeting due to being disorganised, I have to splash for a taxi rather than paying for public transport.

So lucky that DH Ex offered to be on call for DSSs should I give birth to DD and offered to have them for several weeks if we needed even though care was 50/50. No idea why people who choose to have children with other people are not more like this.

@troper

She could be at work or out or doing any other manner of things for all I know.

And so could the mum.....

Is a mum supposed to take annual leave for her ex to have surgery?

I think if either a SM or a mum was to take annual leave because of dad's surgery it should be the Mum yes.

Not saying she has to. But out of the two of them if someone had to do it then yes.

@Throwawayy I can actually see both sides and it's open to interpretation based the rider circumstances of each co-parenting agreement:.

I'm getting frustrated that OP (and 50% of the responses) is blaming the ex instead of realising this mess has been caused by OPs DP. If she's annoyed at anyone it should be him

[quote troper]@Throwawayy I can actually see both sides and it's open to interpretation based the rider circumstances of each co-parenting agreement:.

I'm getting frustrated that OP (and 50% of the responses) is blaming the ex instead of realising this mess has been caused by OPs DP. If she's annoyed at anyone it should be him [/quote]
And that's fine. I'm not even really disagreeing with that.

I'm talking about the poster's who act like children are nothing to do with their other parent outside of their allotted time. See it all the time. It's weird.

On the subject of annual leave you mentioned how it would look on the request to your employer, in what way would it look any better for a step mum? At least as the mother they are your children. It's not unheard of to take leave because of childcare or lack of.

It is not the same as a step mum asking for the day off to look after kids who aren't even hers.

@Throwawayy I actually do agree with you,

I'm my DDs dad was having surgery I'd rather she was with me than elsewhere. But I would expect to be politely asked and thanked.

In my personal situation if my exH is unable to have Dd, his default is to ask someone else and use me as a last resort - not my choice in how it would be

@Throwawayy

On the subject of annual leave you mentioned how it would look on the request to your employer, in what way would it look any better for a step mum? At least as the mother they are your children. It's not unheard of to take leave because of childcare or lack of.

It is not the same as a step mum asking for the day off to look after kids who aren't even hers.

I had assumed the OP would be off anyway as she'd mentioned having to spend the time nursing her partner. I wouldn't expect a SM to take annual leave solely to provide childcare for her SC

[quote troper]@Throwawayy I actually do agree with you,

I'm my DDs dad was having surgery I'd rather she was with me than elsewhere. But I would expect to be politely asked and thanked.

In my personal situation if my exH is unable to have Dd, his default is to ask someone else and use me as a last resort - not my choice in how it would be [/quote]
I agree he could have been nicer about it. But it's perfectly obvious what he was saying. The fact he didn't say "is that alright or thank you" on the end doesn't make it less obvious. It just means people are pissed that she wasn't asked nicely which is valid in itself but I think it's ridiculous for PPs to act all "oh but it's in no way clear what he was saying" just because they don't like the way he did it. It was clear, he just wasn't very polite about it.

No one's saying you should always be available for him

Not quite. It’s being insinuated. If a poster writes you’re a parent 100% of the time and would always look after their child, no matter what, they are suggesting that the woman is the go-to i. all scenarios with an expectation that they simply manage the situation. It’s not reasonable. I am more than happy for my ex to ask for some flexibility with arrangements but he cannot expect me always to be available or to be doing something that can be cancelled or switched to another week because it suits his arrangements better. Medical procedures are more complex but quite why I should be maintaining my own household and then expected to pick up the slack in my ex’s house is beyond me.

@Sowhatifiam

No one's saying you should always be available for him

Not quite. It’s being insinuated. If a poster writes you’re a parent 100% of the time and would always look after their child, no matter what, they are suggesting that the woman is the go-to i. all scenarios with an expectation that they simply manage the situation. It’s not reasonable. I am more than happy for my ex to ask for some flexibility with arrangements but he cannot expect me always to be available or to be doing something that can be cancelled or switched to another week because it suits his arrangements better. Medical procedures are more complex but quite why I should be maintaining my own household and then expected to pick up the slack in my ex’s house is beyond me.

This.

It's up to your DH to sort childcare. He could ask his ex or you anyone else but it's his responsibility to sort something out. If his ex was in this position on her time would he automatically be expected to step in?

@Sarahplane

It's up to your DH to sort childcare. He could ask his ex or you anyone else but it's his responsibility to sort something out. If his ex was in this position on her time would he automatically be expected to step in?

Yes. He would automatically assume he was looking after them.

I agree they both need to work on communicating a bit better than their brief message exchanges.

@Throwawayy thank you. I guess also it depends on the usual relationship and what happens when one parent is unavailable.

To clarify this isn't minor surgery for like an ingrown toe that can be delayed.

Anyway spoke to DH last night and he agreed he's going to ask Ex nicely and actually ring her horray! And then if she is unavailable then a babysitter for a day it is.

And then I'll try and juggle looking after them. But only if I can have that break.

@Icenii

So lucky that DH Ex offered to be on call for DSSs should I give birth to DD and offered to have them for several weeks if we needed even though care was 50/50. No idea why people who choose to have children with other people are not more like this.

Ah yes see she offered with my little one too. We didn't need it in the end. That was back when things were calmer though.

AM just wondering what surgery means he can not look after his DCs.

I had abdominal surgery a few years ago - DCs were with me from the day I was discharged. Lot of pre planning - meals cooked, frozen, DCs taught to use microwave, do the washing etc.

All went fine - few minor mishaps but a lot of laughs. TBH unless he is having cardiac surgery - am not sure what the fuss is about.

My EX could not have the DCS - he was on a 3 month overseas posting.

[quote SpiderFluff]@Throwawayy thank you. I guess also it depends on the usual relationship and what happens when one parent is unavailable.

To clarify this isn't minor surgery for like an ingrown toe that can be delayed.

Anyway spoke to DH last night and he agreed he's going to ask Ex nicely and actually ring her horray! And then if she is unavailable then a babysitter for a day it is.[/quote]
How can a parent be unavailable for their own child because the other parent is in hospital. The birth needs to explain to her employer that she has unavoidable child care issues because dad is in hospital

just111 - vile post - the birth needs to explain.

Absolutely vile and unnecessary.

@uneffingbelievable

just111 - vile post - the birth needs to explain.

Absolutely vile and unnecessary.

I just took that as a mistake - the poster forgot to type the word mum after birth?

Sorry birth mother. Employer will understand that these things happen

Oh OP yanbu either in not helping or in thinking the mother might actually look after her own kids at a time when they might need her as they are worried BUT you are forgetting this is mumsnet and you are a step mother ........