Who is the default carer if DH can't do it?

[SpiderFluff]

Is it their other parent? Who is 100% all the time their parent even when it is not their contact time.

Or is it me? Who married their dad?

Basically DH has a scheduled appointment. We've been bumbling along assuming mum would look after the kids and she has assumed I will be looming after them? I have my own life, child and job to deal with she has a few hours here and there and they are HER kids!

Am I being totally unfair here? Should I be the one who takes time off for their kids?

MN is really weird about this imo.

In my opinion you are a parent all of the time, not in sectioned out slots of contact time.

If you'd come on here and said the Mum was having an operation and their Dad was refusing to have them because it wasn't "his time" and she should get a babysitter instead, he would be the worst Dad in the world.

I believe whether you're separated or not, the book stops with BOTH parents. If one can't do it for a genuine reason i.e. a medical thing like this, then the other parent steps up just as they'd have to if they were still together. Your romantic relationship may end but your parenting one doesn't. And yes, even if that means taking time off work or rearranging social plans. It's part of parenting and I'd say the same if it was Mum going for an operation.

People here though would sooner your husband ask a stranger he found loitering on the street corner than the children's mother when it's "his time" though. I find it incredibly bizarre. My child is my child. If his Dad cannot look after him for a genuine reason then it is down to me. If I genuinely couldn't do it then perhaps we'd look at other options like grandparents or whatever but I absolutely would expect it to be assumed that if I could do it then I'd be the first port of call regardless as to who's day it technically is. Unlike a lot of parents on here I don't think my son is fuck all to do with me outside of my allotted time.

@dammit88

If it’s in his contact time it’s up to him to arrange childcare. It may be that he asks her but I wouldn’t just assume!

Exactly this.

He could ask her
He could ask you
He could ask someone else
He could and probably should (unless it's urgent) re-schedule - particularly as he only has her part time

If my exH had an appointment I wouldn't even know unless he'd asked me if I could have our DD so there would definitely be no assumption it should be the DM.

@kirinm. The primary responsibility to care for the children rests with their parent. In practice, the step-parent may help out and assume a parental role towards the children but they can choose the extent to which they do that. You do not become an unpaid nanny simply because you marry someone with children.

@TitoMojito

And whilst you are not childcare, your house is one of your SC's two homes. Them being in the house isn't childcare. It's them being in their home.

This is also something people say a lot on here which I think is utter crap.

Yes it's their home, but like every other child who is too young to take care of themselves, they can only be in their home if there is suitable adult supervision or childcare whichever you want to call it, available in that home. So yes. It's childcare, regardless as to where they are. They are a child, requiring care due to their age. Them being at home has no bearing.

If you asked your Mum to come over and watch your children at your house whilst you went out would it not class as childcare because they are at home? If you get a babysitter to come round it's not childcare?

I’m sure I recognise posters on here who are the first to remind step mums that contact is for the DC to see their dad, not the woman he happens to be married to.

Always fascinating to see how the story changes if that best suits giving a poster a righteous kicking when she’s already struggling.

How is looking after her step kids when their father is in hospital being a martyr? It is such a fucked up way to look at things.

I guess you’re just going to focus on this post and ignore my other one about the op.
It is martyring herself if she decides to put the step kids first at all costs especially when she’s going through a tough time.

And also think it's completely reasonable to assume that when she replied "okay" to him saying he can't look after them that weekend that she was agreeing to have them herself.

People will act like it's not so that they can pretend it's your husbands fault (because mothers of step children are never wrong).

If my son's Dad text me and said he couldn't look after him that weekend because of X or Y, I would not think that meant he'd asked someone else to do it. To me that says "he can't come this weekend because I'm not here" which I think any normal person if they were being honest would think too.

If I couldn't do it I wouldn't just reply ok. I'd reply and say sorry I'm not free either, you'll need to ask someone else.

[quote Goldbar]@kirinm. The primary responsibility to care for the children rests with their parent. In practice, the step-parent may help out and assume a parental role towards the children but they can choose the extent to which they do that. You do not become an unpaid nanny simply because you marry someone with children.[/quote]
But equally, if you have an agreed contact schedule with your DCs parent, you can't assume they will be available every time you need cover.

OP has said there has been months of notice so you'd like to think the DC's mum would have had her DC with her if: 1) she was asked, and 2) she was given notice to make the required arrangements

It doesn't seem like DC's mum necessarily has an issue with the extra time with her DC, it's more that he ex didn't ask her so she wasn't aware that it was required.

The only person at fault here is the OP's DP but she seems hell bent on blaming the ex

Your romantic relationship may end but your parenting one doesn't. And yes, even if that means taking time off work or rearranging social plans

That’s way too simplistic. As a single person who has to support a household alone, taking time off work for an ex’s operation simp,y isn’t realistic. I am already having to take time off for my own I’ll es and that of my children. Where does it stop? Just imagine having to write that on your leave request. It’s totally unreasonable.

I also believe that in all but the most dire emergency, I should be able to rely on my ex having the children when he says he will - which means I will book concert or theatre tickets sometimes months in advance. Again, there is no insurance you can take out that will cover cancellation because the ex is ill so it is 100% up to him to come up with an alternative. You can’t expect an ex to put their life on hold for months whilst you await an operation date.

@Throwawayy

And also think it's completely reasonable to assume that when she replied "okay" to him saying he can't look after them that weekend that she was agreeing to have them herself.

People will act like it's not so that they can pretend it's your husbands fault (because mothers of step children are never wrong).

If my son's Dad text me and said he couldn't look after him that weekend because of X or Y, I would not think that meant he'd asked someone else to do it. To me that says "he can't come this weekend because I'm not here" which I think any normal person if they were being honest would think too.

If I couldn't do it I wouldn't just reply ok. I'd reply and say sorry I'm not free either, you'll need to ask someone else.

Interesting as I'd assume the opposite. My ex often sends DC to grandparents during his contact time, so my default would be that he's giving me a heads up that he won't be about.

I also wouldn't accept "I won't be able to have them" if he was expecting me to have them, I'd be expecting a "please can you do me a favour?" "Is it okay with you or do you have plans?" And a bit of gratitude if I was being expected to "cover" his contact time

But equally, if you have an agreed contact schedule with your DCs parent, you can't assume they will be available every time you need cover

But I don't think it's that unreasonable 1) to expect there to be some flexibility in contact, life is not black and white it would totally unreasonable to never ever expect there to be any occasion where you both may need to alter things as parents and 2) that if you've text the other parent to say I'm not available on this day because of X or Y and they say "okay" that they are agreeing as that child's other parent to have them instead.

My ex often sends DC to grandparents during his contact time, so my default would be that he's giving me a heads up that he won't be about.

I guess it depends if you're bothered about being clear on who's looking after your kids. Most people if they were actually just giving you a heads up would say "I'm not free because of X but my mum's going to have the kids". Then you'd reply okay.

Otherwise I'd think it would be the normal thing to do to clarify that you were not free either rather than just "okay".

@troper. Completely agree! I said up-thread it was the DH's responsibility, especially since not an emergency (where the other parent should really help) but a scheduled appointment.

Generalising slightly, but my experience is that a lot of men (even generally decent ones) have a tendency to try to weasel out of certain childcare and household responsibilities when they become inconvenient by pretending that those responsibilities belong by default to someone else in their life, usually a woman (the ex wife, the stepmum etc.). I guess it's tough sometimes realising that, as the parent, the buck stops with you if you're used to being able to unload your responsibilities onto others.

@Sowhatifiam

Your romantic relationship may end but your parenting one doesn't. And yes, even if that means taking time off work or rearranging social plans

That’s way too simplistic. As a single person who has to support a household alone, taking time off work for an ex’s operation simp,y isn’t realistic. I am already having to take time off for my own I’ll es and that of my children. Where does it stop? Just imagine having to write that on your leave request. It’s totally unreasonable.

I also believe that in all but the most dire emergency, I should be able to rely on my ex having the children when he says he will - which means I will book concert or theatre tickets sometimes months in advance. Again, there is no insurance you can take out that will cover cancellation because the ex is ill so it is 100% up to him to come up with an alternative. You can’t expect an ex to put their life on hold for months whilst you await an operation date.

No one is suggesting you put your life on hold for months.

I even went onto say that if the other parent can't do it either then you then look at other arrangements. But what I don't think is unreasonable is asking the other parent. I'm my sons mother, if his dad can't look after him then unless I really can't, I'd expect to be the next one in line.

Of course there may be reasons why you can't do it either but people act like it's some cardinal sin to ever ask your child's other parent on...your contact time dun dun dunnnn. I work together with my son's Dad for his sake, not his dad's. Sometimes that means swapping things around, sometimes it means he goes to grandparents because I can't. But I see it as both our responsibility if one of us isn't around for a genuine reason.

Honestly just imagine if a mother posted that she needed an operation but her children's dad was refusing to have them because it wasn't his weekend. IMAGINE the replies on that. He would be slated to high heaven and poster's know it.

I even went onto say that if the other parent can't do it either then you then look at other arrangements. But what I don't think is unreasonable is asking the other parent. I'm my sons mother, if his dad can't look after him then unless I really can't, I'd expect to be the next one in line.

We're not saying it's unreasonable for him to ask with sufficient notice, and given the circumstances, most mums I know would be agreeable.

However, HE DID NOT ASK

Suddenly it's all "they are his children all the time not just some of the time". But never works that way when it's dad's contact time that needs rearranging... Funny that, but not at all surprising.

@troper

I even went onto say that if the other parent can't do it either then you then look at other arrangements. But what I don't think is unreasonable is asking the other parent. I'm my sons mother, if his dad can't look after him then unless I really can't, I'd expect to be the next one in line.

We're not saying it's unreasonable for him to ask with sufficient notice, and given the circumstances, most mums I know would be agreeable.

However, HE DID NOT ASK

He said he wasn't available because he was in hospital and she said okay. If you are honestly saying that you wouldn't read that as a form of him asking and her agreeing then I do think you're a bit ridiculous personally.

@Throwawayy

But equally, if you have an agreed contact schedule with your DCs parent, you can't assume they will be available every time you need cover

But I don't think it's that unreasonable 1) to expect there to be some flexibility in contact, life is not black and white it would totally unreasonable to never ever expect there to be any occasion where you both may need to alter things as parents and 2) that if you've text the other parent to say I'm not available on this day because of X or Y and they say "okay" that they are agreeing as that child's other parent to have them instead.

100% Agree there should be some flexibility but HE DID NOT ASK

Most mums (myself included) would be flexible if asked

The root cause of this whole situation is OPs DPs poor communication

He said he wasn't available because he was in hospital and she said okay. If you are honestly saying that you wouldn't read that as a form of him asking and her agreeing then I do think you're a bit ridiculous personally.

Not if there is a SM on the scene

My ex took the utter piss and sacked off his contacted time with no notice for spurious reasons and he would tell me he was (for eg) working - and I didn’t get the option to say no that doesn’t suit me I’ve already got plans.

It was as if I was expected to be always available for him and that I couldn’t rely on having a weekend to do my own thing.

I think assuming that reads as he's asked someone else to have them is more of a leap than assuming he's asking their mother. And I do think if people were being honest they would read it like that as well. But obviously that wouldn't fit the narrative.

There are of course politer ways to have said it. But I don't at all think it reads like he's asked someone else and he's just telling her.

And if that's how he asks the mother of his child for a favour, his attitude stinks. Not an ounce of gratitude or so much as a 'please' or 'do you mind'

@troper

He said he wasn't available because he was in hospital and she said okay. If you are honestly saying that you wouldn't read that as a form of him asking and her agreeing then I do think you're a bit ridiculous personally.

Not if there is a SM on the scene

Each to their own. I wouldn't just assume my husband's partner would look after my son. Why would I? She could be at work or out or doing any other manner of things for all I know. She has no responsibility for my child and unless it's explicitly said that she had offered, I wouldn't assume.

@Theremoresefulday

My ex took the utter piss and sacked off his contacted time with no notice for spurious reasons and he would tell me he was (for eg) working - and I didn’t get the option to say no that doesn’t suit me I’ve already got plans.

It was as if I was expected to be always available for him and that I couldn’t rely on having a weekend to do my own thing.

No one's saying you should always be available for him.

@Throwawayy

I think assuming that reads as he's asked someone else to have them is more of a leap than assuming he's asking their mother. And I do think if people were being honest they would read it like that as well. But obviously that wouldn't fit the narrative.

There are of course politer ways to have said it. But I don't at all think it reads like he's asked someone else and he's just telling her.

If he was hand decent at communicating, nobody would need to make any assumptions.

I'm baffled at this thread turning into a debate about whether the OP or the mum is in the wrong. The only one in the wrong is the dad

Classic MN of it turning into a SM vs mum debate instead of realising it's actually the dad causing the issues