Who is the default carer if DH can't do it?

[SpiderFluff]

Is it their other parent? Who is 100% all the time their parent even when it is not their contact time.

Or is it me? Who married their dad?

Basically DH has a scheduled appointment. We've been bumbling along assuming mum would look after the kids and she has assumed I will be looming after them? I have my own life, child and job to deal with she has a few hours here and there and they are HER kids!

Am I being totally unfair here? Should I be the one who takes time off for their kids?

This situation sounds like it's come about due to really bad communication on your DH's part.

The reason his EXDW thinks the DSC are staying with you when he is recovering is because your DH gave her that impression.

In telling his EXDW he couldn't look after the DSC when he is having his operation, she most likely thought he was letting her know it wasn't him personally, as you would be stepping in, because he didn't confirm. It sounds like he didn't actually say "The DC cannot come to my house at all while I am recovering."

In the absence of your DH clarifying and saying "I can't have the DC to stay while I am recovering, do you mind keeping them/swapping weekends/I make up the time later", your DH has created this stress for you.

Your DH shouldn't have assumed anything about his EXDW's time, since they are no longer married. He also shouldn't assume you are the default childcare for them unless that is a specific arrangement the two of you have made.

Personally, if I was still a DSM, I would have expected my DP to arrange things like that with his EXDW. The two of them alone would be the parents, because that's what they are. He could never have assumed me as default childcare because I refused to look after his DC alone following a couple of lying incidents.

What has your DH suggested should happen now?

And whilst you are not childcare, your house is one of your SC's two homes. Them being in the house isn't childcare. It's them being in their home.

I really dislike my DSC's mother but even I think it's a quite a reach to blame your DSC's mother in this. Unless your DH specifically asked her to have the kids or change weekends etc it wasn't her responsibility to read between the lines when DH told her he was having an operation. I don't think it's unreasonable that she's assumed (because DH wasn't clear) you will care for them either. However I do agree DH def should not have assumed you would care for them. I wouldn't be happy doing it either (with work, another child, helping your DH recover etc). This is a major DH communication issue.

You are fixating on her assumption. Over and over and over.

It is your husband's assumption that has landed you with this stress.

Yes, of course she is more responsible for her own children than you. She knows this. Would you rather she says to her dc, ' I have no idea who is looking after you when your Dad is in hospital'? Actually, sounds like you would.

Communicate with your dh. Tell him you are close to breaking point. Tell him you are going to your parents' house. Please move on from blaming the only blameless person out of your dsc's parents.

@MintMatchmaker

You obviously think she is being massively unreasonable and I don’t think anyone is going to convince you otherwise.

Exactly this!! And very very angry with the wrong person!!

@TitoMojito

And whilst you are not childcare, your house is one of your SC's two homes. Them being in the house isn't childcare. It's them being in their home.

They can't be in their home without an adult who is capable of looking after them.

Which it is up to your DH to organise for his time.

IP do you think you're misplacing your anger because DH is sick and you can't be angry with him?

You may even be angry with him for being I'll when you're struggling. Anger pops up even when your better side knows you 'shouldn't' be feeling it

Would you rather she says to her dc, ' I have no idea who is looking after you when your Dad is in hospital'? Actually, sounds like you would. yes if she doesn't. She could ask him. Not tell them it's me. Because now I have to say I can't do it.

@MrsTerryPratchett

IP do you think you're misplacing your anger because DH is sick and you can't be angry with him?

You may even be angry with him for being I'll when you're struggling. Anger pops up even when your better side knows you 'shouldn't' be feeling it

Oh I think you're right there :( it's been sooo hard and this is like the cherry on top just one more thing for me to deal with.

I agree if it's his time then he should check their mother can have them but she'd be unreasonable not to unless she has good reason IMHO.

He cannot just assume she is available as if the kids were scheduled to be with their dad then she could have made other plans.

Saying that, it's still not your responsibility l. It's up to him to make a plan.

If it was my DH I would usually have them if it was his time and he was doing something but he has them on weekends so work was never an issue.

Why not insist that your DH books a babysitter and then make the best of it by leaving all 3 kids with them and going out for the day by yourself? If you're at the end of your tether, some child-free time out might help.

@SpiderFluff

She may have wondered the same thing! His failings aren’t her fault yes fair enough I shall suggest he responds similarly when she says she can't have them on x y z date.

From vyour posts though it sounds like she says "I can't have them, can you?". "yes". And he says "I can't have them". "OK". They're v different

And she's assumed that means you because you're a family. You've got too much on your plate and you can't, that's fine but it isn't her place to know you're unable to. He's inferred it's you.

OP why on earth you keep referring back to the mother to blame, despite people explaining to you, this is all on your DH.

They are his kids, it's his time to care for them and it's his operation.

he should have sorted this ages ago when he knew about the operation.
It's him who needed to make clear plans with whomever (including the mother) to care for his children.

Lay the blame at the right door and it may be the start of solving the problem, you keep making excuses for him and he will keep on being useless.

I do feel sorry for his children with regards to their fathers side of things.

I'm sorry then @SpiderFluff

It's shit and you are feeling crap about it. Blame does give us an illusion of control and if that's what you need right now, carry on.

Shitty situation.

@Goldbar

Why not insist that your DH books a babysitter and then make the best of it by leaving all 3 kids with them and going out for the day by yourself? If you're at the end of your tether, some child-free time out might help.

You are an utter genius!!!

Thank you thank you thank you!

I couldn't see the wood for the trees!

I do feel sorry for his children with regards to their fathers side of things. Don't feel sorry for them he is doing his best in an absolutely shitty situation. He will have his op and hopefully that will turn the corne.

And yet again kids are forced to be with 'step-parents' who won't accept literally anything responsibility for them.

I will never understand why anyone gets into a relationship with step children when they very clearly don't want them around. Weird.

@MrsTerryPratchett

I'm sorry then *@SpiderFluff*

It's shit and you are feeling crap about it. Blame does give us an illusion of control and if that's what you need right now, carry on.

Shitty situation.

Thank you I know I'm sorry I've ranted and I know it's not her problem. Just need a break from all the pressure heaped on me right now and it felt like that was just one more thing and I don't want to let the kids done by saying no but I just can't.

I'm going to look into the babysitter for a day idea. Genius!

@kirinm

And yet again kids are forced to be with 'step-parents' who won't accept literally anything responsibility for them.

I will never understand why anyone gets into a relationship with step children when they very clearly don't want them around. Weird.

You have no idea what my life is like right now so don't give me that

@Goldbar

Why not insist that your DH books a babysitter and then make the best of it by leaving all 3 kids with them and going out for the day by yourself? If you're at the end of your tether, some child-free time out might help.

@Goldbar for the win!!!

Yeah and if I just get a day to myself it will be easier to cope with having to look after everyone for a bit x thank you so much for the support xx

@SpiderFluff

Yeah and if I just get a day to myself it will be easier to cope with having to look after everyone for a bit x thank you so much for the support xx

I'm just about to get a child-free day myself (DH taking DC to visit BIL) and very excited about it. If you want a rest, you have to get rid of the whole bundle, I'm afraid - 2 out of 3 isn't enough !

I’m glad you’ve come around to realising your dh is entirely at fault here. She is fully entitled to assume her dc are being looked after on his contact time as it’s his contact time and he hasn’t communicated anything else. It’s not her job to interpret everything he says as whether he’s requesting to cancel contact or not. I don’t let my actual dh make assumptions about my time the way yours had assumed saying he’s not around means of course his contact is cancelled and his ex is default parenting that weekend/whatever day it is. We would say to each other not just I have a big meeting 7am Wednesday (or in dhs case 5pm), but add can you please take/pick up our joint dc from school and childcare. And either offer to do the other end of the day or explain why it wasn’t a swap. It’s called respecting each other’s time and commitments. Charitably I hope your dh is very distracted with his operation, and it’s not that he doesn’t respect either you or his ex.

@kirinm

And yet again kids are forced to be with 'step-parents' who won't accept literally anything responsibility for them.

I will never understand why anyone gets into a relationship with step children when they very clearly don't want them around. Weird.

I not infrequently don't want my own child around... does that make me a terrible mum? Sometimes it's nice not to have to run around doing meals or hearing 'Mummy!' the whole time. Doesn't mean I don't love them, just that I need some time to recharge occasionally to be a better parent.