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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

It would ruin my relationship if my step children ever lived with us

393 replies

PickledOnionsOnToast · 19/12/2021 21:45

I just had to say that.

Does anyone else feel that way?

I don't think about it often but when I do I genuinely can't envisage ever wanting to stay in my marriage if my step children had to come and live with us full time.

I could honestly not be doing with being "mum" to both my DC and my SC and all that entails and I doubt very much I would ever be happy with the situation.

OP posts:
Aries77 · 21/12/2021 18:03

@candlelightsatdawn thank you.
It’s a really stressful situation and I am mentally drained to the point where I blow up at H over the slightest thing. We had a big blow up a few weeks ago and not speaking. We are in counselling but nothing seems to get through to H that if 1. He saw me as an equal partner and not a nobody and 2. He stopped prioritising Dss (often misguidedly) above everybody else then we’d be fine. Just goes to show what havoc is wrought when one parent absent and the other is falling over themselves to please the kids, whilst everyone else ignored.

candlelightsatdawn · 21/12/2021 18:04

@ZeroFuchsGiven

I haven't RTFT and have no intention to but these threads are becoming more and more apparent where posters (always the same ones) start 'innocent' threads about how hard done to as step parents they are.

I am sure some step parents are hard done by, Ive been there but these are a different class, its slagging off step kids in the guise of 'innocence' and 'stepparent bingo'.

I see through you all and I'm disappointed in how the step parent board has turned out.

Yes I'm a Parent
Yes I'm Step Mum
Yes my Stepson lives with me full time.

It's almost as if you just did a drive by post. Not to offer perspective, not to offer advice and just came on to shame people and added a gem of TLDR.

The step parenting board is for advice on difficult situations, it's not a board for pretty picture of kittens and clear you didn't read the thread because this post isn't about the SC at all, let alone the OP making nasty comments about hers. Let alone grasp what the board is here for.

The step bingo is played because people like to come on here and derail posts and not offer any advice and it is always the same people not offering advice just kicking a random person asking for help when they are down. You may not acknowledge that but it is what it is.

I would think about the real motives of why
you felt it was ok to come along and say I didn't read the post and actually sounds like you all complaining about your step kids and you should be ashamed.

It says more about the type of person you are that you think that was ok or even grounded in any type of rational thinking.

BeyondOurReef · 21/12/2021 18:14

[quote SleepOhHowIMissYou]@BeyondOurReef what makes your Step kids mum "reprehensible"? Can you give an example?[/quote]
So many reasons. She is a thoroughly awful person.

But clearly you don’t believe that judgement based on my own experience of the woman and her children.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 21/12/2021 18:22

I read 4 pages and that was enough for me, no I didn't read the other 2, so no tldr from me, I read enough.

I have been here many years and the stepparrenting board used to be awful, really bad for step mums being slated for no reason,we're you the ow was a daily occurance but what is happening lately is the opposite you are all making yourselves look like fucking loons with these posts, the hatred towards your step kids are shining brighter than Christmas ffs. This is not the only post I've noticed many over the last few months.

aSofaNearYou · 21/12/2021 18:23

I see through you all and I'm disappointed in how the step parent board has turned out.

We see through you too Biscuit

ZeroFuchsGiven · 21/12/2021 18:31

@aSofaNearYou

I see through you all and I'm disappointed in how the step parent board has turned out.

We see through you too Biscuit

Thanks, remember back in October when I was taking my stepson to his mums funeral? You were supportive then. Well this isthe internet after all. I did appreciate it BTW.
motheroflions · 21/12/2021 18:31

My advice is to up front and honest with her husband about how she feels about his kid. He then can decide if he wants to be with OP.

I wouldn't want to continue being with some one who felt like this. Then maybe OP would experience it from the other side when her kids dad meets some one else.

funinthesun19 · 21/12/2021 18:34

the hatred towards your step kids are shining brighter than Christmas ffs.

So if OP decides she doesn’t want to live with them full time it must mean she hates them?
She can like them but still have her limits.
If she lived with them full time when she doesn’t want to, then that will be going beyond her limits. Acknowledging that now before it ever happens isn’t her saying she hates them, it’s just a healthy way of ensuring that she isn’t ever in that position. Good for her and good for the kids, surely?

aSofaNearYou · 21/12/2021 18:42

Thanks, remember back in October when I was taking my stepson to his mums funeral? You were supportive then. Well this isthe internet after all. I did appreciate it BTW.

Yes, and for some reason now you've decided it's time to make baseless accusations. It's ridiculous to suggest not wanting to live with someone full time equates to hating them. It's an extreme reach.

Holly60 · 21/12/2021 18:48

@AnneLovesGilbert

You don’t seem like a family at all.

Oh FGS Hmm

No I agree. It doesn’t feel like they are a family. It sounds incredibly sad to me.
Holly60 · 21/12/2021 18:50

@funinthesun19

the hatred towards your step kids are shining brighter than Christmas ffs.

So if OP decides she doesn’t want to live with them full time it must mean she hates them?
She can like them but still have her limits.
If she lived with them full time when she doesn’t want to, then that will be going beyond her limits. Acknowledging that now before it ever happens isn’t her saying she hates them, it’s just a healthy way of ensuring that she isn’t ever in that position. Good for her and good for the kids, surely?

No you are right, it sounds much more like she tolerates them. And that is so much better. I love it when I feel like someone is tolerating me Hmm
candlelightsatdawn · 21/12/2021 18:54

the hatred towards your step kids are shining brighter than Christmas ffs.

I'm really confused by this on this post for this comment to happen. Of all the posts this one ? For once I'm baffled as this has nothing to do with the SC . On every single post without fail, someone always post leave your DH and you have a choice and the kids don't, so leave if unhappy.

But a post about a SP saying if a situation arises that may make them unhappy and make the SC unhappy/miserable if the SP doesn't leave people, are up in arms saying that's selfish to actually leave.

That we hate our SC.
When this post isn't about SC at all.
And we are loons. Right.

Am I missing something. Step families exist because the former family broke up. Is this a new golden rule that only exists for second families ? Never to leave until the grave you depart but only second families?

Personally I thought people would be thrilled at the thought of a SP leaving their DC with their parent and butting out. Something that is regularly encouraged on again nearly every post (and sometimes warranted)

The OW thing still happens 🙄 just because there's people who actually post without being verbally attacked at every comment and some people actually post constructive criticism now the board is all just daisies and flowers 🤦🏼‍♀️

Holly60 · 21/12/2021 18:56

I think part of the problem is that this is a women’s board and 99% of the posts are massively in favour of and supportive of women. Then you get a post like this where the OP has clearly stamped all over the heart of another woman. Imagine being those step children’s mother and knowing (or suspecting) that you regularly have to send your children into a home where they are merely tolerated by one of the responsible adults. It would break my heart to have to send my children off knowing that the adult I am sending them to sees them as second to her own children, and is really just looking forward to getting rid of them again. The thought of it makes me feel sick actually.

Cherrytart23 · 21/12/2021 19:00

The reason I didn't date men with children.

Cherrytart23 · 21/12/2021 19:03

@PickledOnionsOnToast

No I'm sure it's not a fair or nice situation to be in. But it's honestly how I feel.

I'd never let his kids go into care though, I'm not a witch. It wouldn't be a choice.

You wouldn't let them go into care tho how nice off you does dh not get a say then?
SpaceshiptoMars · 21/12/2021 19:15

It would break my heart to have to send my children off knowing that the adult I am sending them to sees them as second to her own children, and is really just looking forward to getting rid of them again.

And yet, every school day, you send those children off to be looked after by teachers who certainly see them as second to their own children, and are mightily relieved to be shot of them at the end of a long day!

You don't have a problem with teachers being human, so why are step-mums expected to be angels in disguise?

candlelightsatdawn · 21/12/2021 19:20

@Holly60 I really don't know where OP has stamped over the heart of any women ?

She's also repeatedly said how she feels about her SC and hasn't ever said they are second best or she tolerates them. She actively said she loves being around them, and it sounds very much like she's got a DH problem who would dump all the parenting at her door so would like to leave DH not DSC.

Christ when I posted on here that I loved my DSC I got ripped a new one, saying it wasn't my place, I was over stepping in my feelings and that I would be breaking their mums heart to say that and I must hate her and trying to replace her.

All because I said I loved my SC and that said my feelings however aren't in line with the majority of posters, because we are all different with different set ups.

What I do notice is that actually regardless of someone's feelings on their SC, someone somewhere will take offence. It is the internet we won't all agree but this is new level BS.

BeyondOurReef · 21/12/2021 19:23

@SpaceshiptoMars

It would break my heart to have to send my children off knowing that the adult I am sending them to sees them as second to her own children, and is really just looking forward to getting rid of them again.

And yet, every school day, you send those children off to be looked after by teachers who certainly see them as second to their own children, and are mightily relieved to be shot of them at the end of a long day!

You don't have a problem with teachers being human, so why are step-mums expected to be angels in disguise?

Also the adult she’d be sending them to is not their SM. It’s their father. Who presumably loves them and sees them as equal to any other children he might have (and any other children that are not his as secondary to him).
funinthesun19 · 21/12/2021 19:28

No you are right, it sounds much more like she tolerates them. And that is so much better. I love it when I feel like someone is tolerating me hmm

That’s also another big leap.
She sounds like she’s fond of them under the current circumstances and doesn’t tolerate them at all. Her posts indicate that likes them.
But she is also saying that if that changed, she wouldn’t be able to cope with the big change in dynamics that the full time living arrangements will bring. Why are you so offended by that and why is that stamping all over another woman’s heart? Confused

motheroflions · 21/12/2021 19:35

@SpaceshiptoMars

It would break my heart to have to send my children off knowing that the adult I am sending them to sees them as second to her own children, and is really just looking forward to getting rid of them again.

And yet, every school day, you send those children off to be looked after by teachers who certainly see them as second to their own children, and are mightily relieved to be shot of them at the end of a long day!

You don't have a problem with teachers being human, so why are step-mums expected to be angels in disguise?

This is why there are so many fucked up blended families because people enter families that are already made with little or no emotional intelligence.

Can you imagine if they said ' oh by the way, now we are going steady I just want you to know, I dont want your kids to live us and I can just about tolerate them at best. No I can't ether. Perfectly happy to pretend all his well until they are living in the same house and new fresh babies come along - then the mood changes dramatically.

Cuckoo in the nest syndrome

Ginger1982 · 21/12/2021 19:58

"First of all, my DP did not have a family, he had a son. He has a family now."
@aSofaNearYou what an offensive comment.

SundaysinKernow · 21/12/2021 20:00

I have my step kids f/t. It is a lot of work and I don’t have any of my own. I think if the parents are able to amicably co-parent then 50/50 is ideal - everyone gets a break that way! In our situation I think having them f/t makes my life easier as having a HC mum involved would be a nightmare. At least this way I get to parent them instead being in the weird limbo position in my own home.

SpaceshiptoMars · 21/12/2021 20:02

This is why there are so many fucked up blended families because people enter families that are already made with little or no emotional intelligence.

No, no, let me put that right for you..

This is why there are so many fucked up blended families because people enter families that are already broken with no idea of the hell they are getting into.

aSofaNearYou · 21/12/2021 20:03

@Ginger1982

"First of all, my DP did not have a family, he had a son. He has a family now." *@aSofaNearYou* what an offensive comment.
Not really. You know nothing of the circumstances. DSS is obviously part of his family but EOW visits fraught with issues did not a whole family make.

I disagree with the whole sentiment that when you date someone with a child you are "entering a ready made family" as many put it.That is simply not the dynamic for many, many people.

BeyondOurReef · 21/12/2021 20:10

disagree with the whole sentiment that when you date someone with a child you are "entering a ready made family" as many put it.That is simply not the dynamic for many, many people.

Arguably this thinking is the problem that means a blended family will never work. The SM is always an outsider expected to slot in to this ‘ready made family’ (with the mother in charge whether she’s there or not).