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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

It would ruin my relationship if my step children ever lived with us

393 replies

PickledOnionsOnToast · 19/12/2021 21:45

I just had to say that.

Does anyone else feel that way?

I don't think about it often but when I do I genuinely can't envisage ever wanting to stay in my marriage if my step children had to come and live with us full time.

I could honestly not be doing with being "mum" to both my DC and my SC and all that entails and I doubt very much I would ever be happy with the situation.

OP posts:
SpaceshiptoMars · 21/12/2021 09:57

I have said think of your own child and the impact this will have on them. Use your experience as a Step Mum to decide if this is what you want for your child. After all, it's the thought of caring 100% of the time for step kids that makes the OP want to leave but in return she'll lose 50% of the time she has now with her child due to shared custody so what's the gain?

If you post this advice on the Relationships board in response to the chorus of LTB, I don't have an issue with it. However, if you save it up just for the benefit of step-parents, and you're not a step-parent.....

SleepOhHowIMissYou · 21/12/2021 11:05

@SpaceshiptoMars

I have said think of your own child and the impact this will have on them. Use your experience as a Step Mum to decide if this is what you want for your child. After all, it's the thought of caring 100% of the time for step kids that makes the OP want to leave but in return she'll lose 50% of the time she has now with her child due to shared custody so what's the gain?

If you post this advice on the Relationships board in response to the chorus of LTB, I don't have an issue with it. However, if you save it up just for the benefit of step-parents, and you're not a step-parent.....

To clarify. My advice would remain the same because the situation would be the same. I reiterate, no one should be expected stay in an abusive relationship.

My opinion comes from my own lived experience, which may differ from other's experience.

I haven't been a Step Mum. However, my lived experience as a step child tells me that this wouldn't work for me so it's not something I would do.

candlelightsatdawn · 21/12/2021 11:14

Tbh I'm not sure as a SM why I would fear my child having a SM ?

As a child of a blended family, it also wouldn't give me pause.

However the control element you have in a 2.0 family is different to a 50/50 split.

I suppose then it comes down to the person you created a baby with and do you trust their judgement to pick a future partner that would be a good SM and do you trust his parenting skills.

It's not about the SM really that's a red herring, it's whether you trust the person you created life with enough to leave the control in his hands.If you don't, well that's something you should think on.

Obviously I'm not including people who were coerced into having children with a abusive partner, that's a different ball game with a different set of dynamics at play.

funinthesun19 · 21/12/2021 12:31

SleepOhHowIMissYou

I do think using the OP’s child as a reason why she should stay with husband a bit off, yes.
And it’s not just about me and my own experience. It’s widely accepted that staying together with your partner/husband for the sake of the kids is a bad idea.

And is it really about the OP’s child, or is the OP’s child just being mentioned to sway her towards staying with her husband to keep everyone else happy apart from herself?

funinthesun19 · 21/12/2021 12:35

And by everyone else, I mean the DSCs and her husband. Like I said, she’s entitled to not want to live her life with them. Her child shouldn’t be used as a reason to put/keep her in her place.

SleepOhHowIMissYou · 21/12/2021 13:16

@candlelightsatdawn it depends on your experience whether you would fear your child becoming a step child or not.

It's role reversal. You go from being Step Mum putting up with the evil ex-wife to being the evil ex-wife that your own child's Step-mother has to tolerate. Whether you use the experience of being the Strep Mum married to the Father to make your child's experience different for this new partner remains to be seen. I would guess you'll get a whole new perspective on the ex-wife position and (given the bingo mentioned previously) start to realise why ex-wives feel the way they do and act the way they do.

SleepOhHowIMissYou · 21/12/2021 13:22

@funinthesun19

And by everyone else, I mean the DSCs and her husband. Like I said, she’s entitled to not want to live her life with them. Her child shouldn’t be used as a reason to put/keep her in her place.
Of course she is! She absolutely has that choice. Her child however doesn't get to choose.

My own experience tells me to never put my children in the position I was in during my childhood. It has coloured my whole life.

And I will repeat again, I am not advocating that anyone stays in a relationship that is abusive.

aSofaNearYou · 21/12/2021 14:03

@SleepOhHowIMissedYou

My DP has now been living with me and our DD as a family unit for longer than he ever did with DSS and his mother. Meanwhile, there has never been any hint of DSS coming to live with us full time. As such, the risk of my DP deciding to leave his ex because he was unhappy in the relationship has already proven to be greater than the risk of DSS coming to live with us, causing me to become unhappy enough in our relationship to want to leave it.

There is always the risk when you have a child with someone that you or their other parent could end up making them a child of seperated parents. Thus far, it has not been the case that DSS coming to live with us full time is something so likely to happen I need to operate under the assumption that it is definitely going to happen. No more so than DPs ex, or DP himself should have operated under the assumption that he was going to one day leave.

aSofaNearYou · 21/12/2021 14:04

Sorry, got your username wrong there.

SleepOhHowIMissYou · 21/12/2021 14:23

@aSofaNearYou

Sorry, got your username wrong there.
That's okay. I suppose the question is, were it to happen and you had step son full time, would you feel the same as the OP and have to leave? Or, would you say, ah well, childhood is short, I'll stick it out (like I would because of my own experience)?
SleepOhHowIMissYou · 21/12/2021 14:38

@funinthesun19

And by everyone else, I mean the DSCs and her husband. Like I said, she’s entitled to not want to live her life with them. Her child shouldn’t be used as a reason to put/keep her in her place.
No-one's saying she must stay. She has the freedom to choose. When weighing up that choice part of the consideration ought to be the affect these actions will have on your own child (step children too as you mentioned but they're not going to be your priority if they're actually the reason you're leaving).

Divorce is damaging for all parties. Only the individual can decide if it's worth the cost. Again, to clarify, we are not talking about abusive relationships.

aSofaNearYou · 21/12/2021 14:52

That's okay. I suppose the question is, were it to happen and you had step son full time, would you feel the same as the OP and have to leave? Or, would you say, ah well, childhood is short, I'll stick it out (like I would because of my own experience)?

It would really depend on a lot of things tbh. If it happened now when DSS is still under 10, I think it could spell the end, because I wouldn't be happy living with him full time and it's still such a long time. But if he were a couple of years from moving out, or had matured to the point I found his company more enjoyable and less overwhelming, it might be different.

But the point is, it isn't happening now. There are no signs of it happening in the future and it would be a logistical nightmare for everyone if it did so would be unlikely to happen unless his mum died. So I don't think it's any more selfish towards my DD for me to have got in the relationship knowing that there's a remote possibility something could happen that could cause me to leave. That's true of any relationship, and in fact proved to be more true of the one that my DSS came from.

candlelightsatdawn · 21/12/2021 16:03

[quote SleepOhHowIMissYou]@candlelightsatdawn it depends on your experience whether you would fear your child becoming a step child or not.

It's role reversal. You go from being Step Mum putting up with the evil ex-wife to being the evil ex-wife that your own child's Step-mother has to tolerate. Whether you use the experience of being the Strep Mum married to the Father to make your child's experience different for this new partner remains to be seen. I would guess you'll get a whole new perspective on the ex-wife position and (given the bingo mentioned previously) start to realise why ex-wives feel the way they do and act the way they do.

[/quote]
Mmm @SleepOhHowIMissYou I am a ex wife. My DD does have a SM and tbh any issues I have I take to my ex and have a normal discussion as parents. I get on with SM and my ex despite actually a rather nasty break up and aftermath.

Does she do everything I would do, no, that said would I expect her too ? Also no

Is she kindly to my child and makes sure me ex isn't a 🛎 end. Absolutely.

We are all different and I'm grateful for one she's in my DD life.

The only side I don't have is a DH perspective or my ex as I can't as I'm a female.

It's not advisable assume things. I have explained the bingo thing and I won't do it again. Spend some time on the board then come back to me and tell me that my comments weren't justified.

BeyondOurReef · 21/12/2021 16:48

[quote SleepOhHowIMissYou]@candlelightsatdawn it depends on your experience whether you would fear your child becoming a step child or not.

It's role reversal. You go from being Step Mum putting up with the evil ex-wife to being the evil ex-wife that your own child's Step-mother has to tolerate. Whether you use the experience of being the Strep Mum married to the Father to make your child's experience different for this new partner remains to be seen. I would guess you'll get a whole new perspective on the ex-wife position and (given the bingo mentioned previously) start to realise why ex-wives feel the way they do and act the way they do.

[/quote]
You assume that we aren’t already ‘evil exes’.

Loads of us are stepchildren, and exW/Ps, and stepmothers, and mothers, and wives. Our children have nonresident fathers and stepmothers.

Maybe you actually don’t have the slightest inkling of your audience here.

BeyondOurReef · 21/12/2021 16:52

That's okay. I suppose the question is, were it to happen and you had step son full time, would you feel the same as the OP and have to leave? Or, would you say, ah well, childhood is short, I'll stick it out (like I would because of my own experience)?

You have no idea what you’d do in that situation. Whatever you think you would based on your childhood.

Because you have no idea what being a stepmother living with a particular NRF and particular SC.

Childhood is not that short. And the SC don’t magically disappear at 18 either (as people love to remind SMs on here). A decade of misery is a a decade of misery.

It’s very easy to make claims about what you would do in a situation you have no real experience of. I’ll reiterate, having been a stepchild does not mean you know anything about what it’s like to be a stepparent.

BeyondOurReef · 21/12/2021 16:56

It’s also worth noting that living with nonresident step/half siblings whose father treats them preferentially, allows them to behave horribly towards you and around you, and marginalises and scapegoats your mother is a fairly awful situation for the resident children to live in.

You have absolutely no way of knowing that staying in a relationship is best for any of the children. But you assume it must be.

SleepOhHowIMissYou · 21/12/2021 16:57

@BeyondOurReef

That's okay. I suppose the question is, were it to happen and you had step son full time, would you feel the same as the OP and have to leave? Or, would you say, ah well, childhood is short, I'll stick it out (like I would because of my own experience)?

You have no idea what you’d do in that situation. Whatever you think you would based on your childhood.

Because you have no idea what being a stepmother living with a particular NRF and particular SC.

Childhood is not that short. And the SC don’t magically disappear at 18 either (as people love to remind SMs on here). A decade of misery is a a decade of misery.

It’s very easy to make claims about what you would do in a situation you have no real experience of. I’ll reiterate, having been a stepchild does not mean you know anything about what it’s like to be a stepparent.

No idea what a NRF is. I wouldn't be in the situation because I wouldn't put myself there in the first place. I was asking what YOU would do in your current situation should everything change tomorrow and you found you had your step son full time. Would you walk away like OP said she would?
funinthesun19 · 21/12/2021 17:13

Would you walk away like OP said she would?

You do seem to have a real issue with her walking away (from the SCs?).

SleepOhHowIMissYou · 21/12/2021 17:14

@BeyondOurReef

It’s also worth noting that living with nonresident step/half siblings whose father treats them preferentially, allows them to behave horribly towards you and around you, and marginalises and scapegoats your mother is a fairly awful situation for the resident children to live in.

You have absolutely no way of knowing that staying in a relationship is best for any of the children. But you assume it must be.

Not at all. But before walking away I would weigh up the damage and consider whether my own happiness should come at a cost to my child. If my child was unhappy with the living arrangements too then that would actually tip the scales towards me leaving.
BeyondOurReef · 21/12/2021 17:16

Nonresident father - NRF

You want to know what would happen here if the SC’s mother died?

Well in principle, you might hope it would improve because they no longer have a reprehensible human being as the dominant influence in their lives. So you’d think that not having that would give some hope that their attitudes and behaviour would improve. And you might hope that their father would become more reasonable and less of a nightmare if he didn’t have the divorced dad guilt because he now lived with them all the time.

But what I know would happen would be that their mother would become a saint in death and my husband would just get worse. His children would now be ‘motherless victims’ and it would be a complete nightmare. The other children would suffer. My life would be beyond intolerable.

I once told a friend that my SC’s mother might be truly awful but I wish her a long life. Because the alternative is too dreadful to imagine.

SleepOhHowIMissYou · 21/12/2021 17:16

@funinthesun19

Would you walk away like OP said she would?

You do seem to have a real issue with her walking away (from the SCs?).

The step kids are not her concern. They're the reason she would leave in fact.

It's the cost to her own child that should be considered.

As a step child I would have thrown a party if my Step Mother left. I despised her.

Aries77 · 21/12/2021 17:23

Been in this situation.
Married to H for 6 years. We have a ds aged 4. 4 years into the marriage dss aged 9 and dsd aged 16 were effectively dumped on us due to their mother abandoning them and relocating abroad. They have not seen their mother for over 2 years, though I understand that there are sporadic phone calls.
What has this meant for our marriage? From the get go H has prioritised DSS to the expense of the whole family’s happiness and well being. Rather than talking with everyone about housing arrangement and how we dealt with everything, Dh decided that the dss and dsd would share a bedroom despite the disparity in age and different sex. He shared a room with our son. He would not listen to my advice that we should move somewhere cheaper and bigger so that we could all have our own space on the grounds that it would be too much upheaval for dss. Now dsd is off to uni and dss has own room whilst Dh sleeps in living room…we are both working parents and it would be ideal to have a live in nanny for both boys, but we don’t have the space. Dh still refuses to sell now that house prices have plummeted due to Covid .
We were planning on a nice family holiday last October in the Cotswolds, at the last minute, H decided he would rather we visited his daughter and stay in her uni town…we then stayed in a Airbnb replicating home whilst we only saw dsd twice!!

H does everything out of guilt for his kids (especially dss) whilst he doesn’t go to the same lengths for our joint ds, on the grounds that ds has his mother around.

Dss wets the bed regularly snd has some behavioural issues but I am totally ignored when I say he needs help.

This is just the tip of the iceberg but we have do many problems following the dsc moving in full time that we are on the brink of divorce . Accept that this is due to H’s attitude towards kids and me, but it illustrates the havoc having dsc full time can cause for everyone if steps are not taken to make everyone comfortable snd happy. I have tried for years to make it work but sadly for my ds, I’m not sure we will and I think H is of the sake view.

SleepOhHowIMissYou · 21/12/2021 17:27

@BeyondOurReef what makes your Step kids mum "reprehensible"? Can you give an example?

candlelightsatdawn · 21/12/2021 17:42

@Aries77 I'm so sorry that sounds just horrific, and actually the stuff of nightmares tbh.

I have no advice but please as a child of a blended family, I would never have wanted my parents to stay together if either way unhappy. 💐

ZeroFuchsGiven · 21/12/2021 17:51

I haven't RTFT and have no intention to but these threads are becoming more and more apparent where posters (always the same ones) start 'innocent' threads about how hard done to as step parents they are.

I am sure some step parents are hard done by, Ive been there but these are a different class, its slagging off step kids in the guise of 'innocence' and 'stepparent bingo'.

I see through you all and I'm disappointed in how the step parent board has turned out.

Yes I'm a Parent
Yes I'm Step Mum
Yes my Stepson lives with me full time.