It would ruin my relationship if my step children ever lived with us

[PickledOnionsOnToast]

I just had to say that.

Does anyone else feel that way?

I don't think about it often but when I do I genuinely can't envisage ever wanting to stay in my marriage if my step children had to come and live with us full time.

I could honestly not be doing with being "mum" to both my DC and my SC and all that entails and I doubt very much I would ever be happy with the situation.

Because they’re functioning perfectly well as a family 50% of the time. She spends as much time with them as their mother does. She’s making the sacrifices, compromises, investments in children who aren’t hers for half of their lives.

Thinking aloud on an anonymous forum that 50/50 is enough for her and she’d struggle with more doesn’t make her a cruel heartless witch or make them as a unit not a proper family.

Maybe their mum doesn’t want them full time. Does that make her and her kids not a proper family?

I'd work my butt off to to make it work before I called it a day. These are children and although it might be tricky I'd do everything it took to blend the families. If I met a man who already had children it would always be a possibility.

This is not quite the same but my husband thinks that in the event where his niece was orphaned she would come to live with us. I already have one child and pregnant with a second, I cannot handle any more. I know the extra laundry, cooking, help with homework, driving to activities and everything else would fall to me, while my husband would stay at work until 7pm like he does now and continue taking overnight business trips leaving me in charge. If he insisted on his niece living with us I would leave him to raise her by himself and move elsewhere with our two children.

I don’t want to be nasty but I think women like us don’t want the extra children because they’ll be put upon us personally while our husbands change nothing. We don’t see why we should take the extra child at a detriment to ourselves. If he wants to raise that child then he should do it himself.

Why did you marry him?

This is why I am never living with my other half of 3 years. Well not until his kids are 18 anyway. We get by with seeing each other only on his non-dc days. My kids are older so although technically he spends about the same number of evenings with my kids as he does his, they aren’t around much. But I don’t have kids with my OH so it’s not a problem. And the only reason we live like this is because bringing up kids together would change our relationship and that’s not what I want. But you’ve got younger kids together so why would it change things much if your sc were with you full time?

@Thatsplentyjack

Why did you marry him?

Really?

You don't have to want to parent someone's kids just because you married them. I purposely waited until my eldest SS was about to go to uni before we moved in together. In hindsight I wish I'd waited until all the kids had left home.

I can’t understand why you got involved with, let alone had dcs with him.

@Alayalaya

This is not quite the same but my husband thinks that in the event where his niece was orphaned she would come to live with us. I already have one child and pregnant with a second, I cannot handle any more. I know the extra laundry, cooking, help with homework, driving to activities and everything else would fall to me, while my husband would stay at work until 7pm like he does now and continue taking overnight business trips leaving me in charge. If he insisted on his niece living with us I would leave him to raise her by himself and move elsewhere with our two children.

I don’t want to be nasty but I think women like us don’t want the extra children because they’ll be put upon us personally while our husbands change nothing. We don’t see why we should take the extra child at a detriment to ourselves. If he wants to raise that child then he should do it himself.

And yet your DH works to keep a roof over your child, his stepchild? Or do you maintain financial independence and full financial responsibility for your older child?

I notice how al the nasty comments are from the usual suspects and aren't in all likelihood step parents 😅

Also we are back to the "think of the children" when this post was actually about the SP feelings and what actions they would take, to stay or go. Shockingly predictable. To stay your evil, to go your evil. Jesus wept.

Also I don't believe OP or anyone acknowledging that a massive shift in a family dynamic (whatever they might be)
might or could lead you questioning whether you stay in a marriage or go. You would be naive to think that your marriage wouldn't be impacted by external forces no matter how strong you think your marriage is. First families failing and second families are proof of that.

Regardless situations vary greatly. What you say on a Internet forum maybe very different when confronted by RL

Pal of mine said that she wouldn't be able to stay if SC came full time to her house, mum died (drug overdose v sad actually) and actually the marriage flourished and so did the kids. Probably because they didn't have their mum messing with their heads

I can't understand how people can be so cruel

What is cruel about it? It's not cruel to say you wouldn't want to live with someone. Nor have I said anywhere that I'd be unkind to anyone.

GutsInMay my children are both my husband’s children, we have no step children.

I don’t want to be nasty but I think women like us don’t want the extra children because they’ll be put upon us personally while our husbands change nothing. We don’t see why we should take the extra child at a detriment to ourselves. If he wants to raise that child then he should do it himself

There is this worry yes. I don't necessarily think my husband would change nothing or leave everything to me, but say for example it happened tomorrow, I work part time to care for our DC, so naturally I imagine it would be expected that I'd just include two extra DC in thst. I have no desire to play mum to two more children 100% of the time. Absolutely not. It would make me miserable. That's just a fact unfortunately.

I love being a Mum to my DC because they are my children, as lovely as my SC are it would be a chore to do the same for them 100% of the time.

I think it’s absolutely fine to feel like that, I wouldn’t want to either but I’m not sure it’s fair to bring further kids into the relationship in that case. If their mum was unable to look after them or they decided they wanted to live with their Dad you’d be putting your children together through a relationship break up. Or you’d be emotionally blackmailing their Dad not to take responsibility for his first set of kids? His choice would be put the first set of kids in care and continue as a family with you or take responsibility for them and be responsible for breaking up the family if his second set of kids. I don’t think that’s very fair.

Surely you considered and discussed this was a possibility before you married.

No I'm sure it's not a fair or nice situation to be in. But it's honestly how I feel.

I'd never let his kids go into care though, I'm not a witch. It wouldn't be a choice.

@Twolostsoulsswimminginafishbow

Surely you considered and discussed this was a possibility before you married.

Yes. But things change, people change, circumstances change. Thoughts, feelings and situations don't stay the same forever. As it is now, it's not something I could be happy living with.

I think you’ve had a bit of a hard time on here OP. Be aware though, that if you were to force a choice between you and his children, you would probably lose and then you’d end up seeing your own kids 50% (or whatever) of the time. And your kids might question why you didn’t fully welcome their bereaved half siblings, and think less of you. It’s possible, anyway.

A PP (the one with the niece) makes a cogent point about most of the grunt work falling on the woman. That’s why I’m not quick to accuse posters like the OP of selfishness on threads like these. Because we all know who’s most likely to be dealing with the children’s meals, laundry, homework, medical/dental appointments, haircuts etc etc etc don’t we.

Because we all know who’s most likely to be dealing with the children’s meals, laundry, homework, medical/dental appointments, haircuts etc etc etc don’t we

Yes, and this is what would be the issue for me I think. I do not want two more children. I do this for my children because they are my children, I've no interest or desire to do this sort of thing for anyone else.

@BungleandGeorge

I think it’s absolutely fine to feel like that, I wouldn’t want to either but I’m not sure it’s fair to bring further kids into the relationship in that case. If their mum was unable to look after them or they decided they wanted to live with their Dad you’d be putting your children together through a relationship break up. Or you’d be emotionally blackmailing their Dad not to take responsibility for his first set of kids? His choice would be put the first set of kids in care and continue as a family with you or take responsibility for them and be responsible for breaking up the family if his second set of kids. I don’t think that’s very fair.

The thing is as adults anyone can leave a relationship for any single thing. Why does moralising only seem to come into sharp play with the females less men ?

As women the child rearing defaults to us and everyone is entitled to their line in the sand.

I think if a parent has created children (with two different women) he has a responsibility to look after all of his children, regardless of marital status, and the women shouldn't be morally bound or otherwise to raise children they didn't create or stay in situations which make them unhappy. They can chose to do that, as a active choice.

The people saying that they would absolutely take on another person's children 'because they're children' have in all likelihood never had to do this.

I don't blame you OP. My SC live with us full time. I love them to bits and they are great kids but it is seriously seriously hard work and life would be much easier and we'd had more freedom and autonomy if they weren't living here. That's just the truth however we do our best and I do really love having them around but it's seriously draining sometimes. I feel bad for looking forward to the times they go to their mum's so we get some time without them. I love my partner to bits and there's loads I love about our life but if I had a magic ball that had shown me this was going to be our future I don't know if I'd have chosen it. It's not just having the kids, but having to deal with their mum and the effects of her behaviour on the children (which is why they now live with us).

Being a mum is draining and tiring, but being a stepmum is draining in a different way that I don't think people can fully understand unless they've been in that position and there's nothing wrong with needing or wanting a break from it or not wanting to do it full time.

Too many plants I had a similar experience to yours. Dh wouldn't say no in any form to his 3 older teens and one of my children almost ended up in hospital. They weren't happy living with me and I wasn't happy living with them.

They are now adults living elsewhere thank goodness, dh and I live with my two adult children and all is well, although he still finds it impossible to say no to any request.