It would ruin my relationship if my step children ever lived with us

[PickledOnionsOnToast]

I just had to say that.

Does anyone else feel that way?

I don't think about it often but when I do I genuinely can't envisage ever wanting to stay in my marriage if my step children had to come and live with us full time.

I could honestly not be doing with being "mum" to both my DC and my SC and all that entails and I doubt very much I would ever be happy with the situation.

@funinthesun19

Okidoki. Your posts don’t at all indicate what you think the op should do. The whole point of giving advice is to say what you think a person do to help themselves. It’s not actually telling them what to do. Or else what’s the point in support forums or ringing your friend when you’re upset and need help? Opening up to people might bring opinions and advice you don’t like or agree with or want to hear, but that’s because we’re all different. Op might think I’m talking a load of crap and that’s fine.

Op is an an expert on her own life I agree with you on that one.

I would disagree. It's the difference between sympathy and empathy. Sympathy, you think about how you would feel in the situation, you feel sorry for the person. Empathy, you recognise how the situation affects that person, how it makes them feel (not you).

Empathy empowers the person as they find their own way through their problem. Sympathy simply confirms that the person is a victim, reducing them to a person that should be pitied.

My EXDP had horrible experiences with stepmums during his childhood. Instead of going through therapy and working through those emotions, he projected his experiences of stepmothers onto me and my relationship with EXDSS.

With the absolute clarity of hindsight, I agree with you OP. My EXDP was also a Disney Dad of the highest order (which EXDSS) took full advantage of. I remember EXDSS asking me why we'd been to a toy shop on a weekend he wasn't with us, and that we should have waited. Before I could answer, instead of shutting this line of enquiry down, EXDP endorsed it and was very quick to state it was me who took the two little DC (both with EXDP as Dad), and he hadn't gone out. I then find myself having to justify to a 10 year old that life goes on when he wasn't there (EOW), however we could go to a toy shop any time (if I was mean I could've pointed out that his dad could do so at any time).

I would not have wanted to have EXDSS with us full-time given the golden DC status he had, and the way EXDP treated our DC as second class citizens (and they are all his biological DC!).

I will be glad when my DC get a stepmum, and would not threatened by it at all. My DC know who their parents are, if I was to meet a new partner. Saying that, I wouldn't move a new partner into a house with my DC as I've read too many stories on MN about how challenging blending can be. To be honest, if I'd read the step-parenting board before I met EXDP, I certainly wouldn't have progressed the relationship to the point of having DC with him, and would have continued searching for a childless man!

@Holly60

I think part of the problem is that this is a women’s board and 99% of the posts are massively in favour of and supportive of women. Then you get a post like this where the OP has clearly stamped all over the heart of another woman. Imagine being those step children’s mother and knowing (or suspecting) that you regularly have to send your children into a home where they are merely tolerated by one of the responsible adults. It would break my heart to have to send my children off knowing that the adult I am sending them to sees them as second to her own children, and is really just looking forward to getting rid of them again. The thought of it makes me feel sick actually.

What is this goady nonsense? OP has stamped all over the heart of another woman??? Are you in the midst of writing some sort of fantasy novel, as this is truly ridiculous hyperbole.

I'll hold my hands up and say I haven't RTFT, only the first few pages. So this may have already been mentioned.

I think the vast majority of people go into any marriage with love and hope for a long and happy future. I think circumstances can and do change, which is why the divorce rate is as high as it is.

Let us be realistic that anyone's marriage could end due to circumstances changing; whether that be stepchildren coming to live with them permanently; or their ageing parent or in-laws. Their own sibling may pass away leaving them as the guardian for their children. Serious physical illness or mental illness.

I think this thread tries to acknowledge the challenges that having bereaved children moving in full time would bring and this should be a safe discussion to have. I have seen very similar threads in AIBU about husband's ageing parent moving in and funnily enough, nobody was jumping on them calling them a dreadful person. In fact, most of them would LTB naturally. Only here on the Stepparent board would it turn into a bashing...

I stumbled upon this thread after a very stressful evening with SC that has left me feeling totally inadequate and inept as a SM (although DP reassures me I’m not). We have SC EOW + 1 evening midweek and half of school holidays. My DC are both adults.

So when I first read the OP I was like “hell yeah, I’d be straight out of there”. However, on reflection I’ve realised it depends on an array of factors that you can’t possibly know until it actually happens to you.

Someone commented early on that they were a teacher and they felt that this would help them. I was a teaching assistant for 10 years, as a SENCO assistant, as a childminder, respite career for social services, worked in a children's home and have a degree in Professional practice, children's services. My dissertation was on nurturing secure attachments. I now work in mental health - however none of that training, life experience or professional experience prepared me for the emotional rollercoaster of step parenthood - especially with a toxic BM and a guilt feeling Disney dad. There is no guidance or training (and little support) for empathetic, caring, concerned women to navigate the trials and tribulations of raising children, in your home, with a partner you adore, who aren’t your own. Hence why I have a first therapy session booked for tomorrow…
I care about (all) people. I’m naturally empathetic. I’m kind. I’m loving - but those values aren’t enough when faced with the intricacies and dynamics of a blended family. The fact I care is often what spirals me into dysregulation and distress because often I feel I’m the only adult in these SC lives who can see the bigger picture without the rose tinted glasses that parenthood give you.

I talked about this thread to DP and said to him I’m not sure whether I’d stay if his kids came to live with us full time and he was fully understanding and empathetic. Because it would change everything we know and built up. When I met him and when we chose to live together- we made that commitment based on our life circumstances at the time. It would disrupt everything that makes our relationship what it is. It already does with the current set up EOW. We can say that from a place of love and respect for each other, for each other’s sovereignty and autonomy. Likewise my DP also acknowledged it’s not something he’s sure he could cope with easily himself- but he would, because he loves his kids. That doesn’t make him a bad person or a bad dad. It’s being honest.
His ex gave up her career to raise their kids (although he wanted to). So he’s worked hard on his career. He’s now in senior management in a job that involves frequent Uk travel and intense working days. When they separated he ensured he paid off their mortgage so they had a secure roof over their head forever. He pays significant maintenance. He’s had to move further away as he can’t afford to live in their area. He has come out of it with a small sum that would in no way support them should he have to give up/change his job should they end up living with them. All of their lives would be upturned significantly (this is without me being in the picture).

Another point to add. For those who stated repeatedly “you knew what you were getting into”…
When I had my DC. I was “happily”(!) married to my ex husband. I didn’t foresee at the time how our relationship would pan out. How he would become abusive, controlling and turn to drugs. When I chose to have kids with him, I did so believing he was my future and we would be a nuclear happy family.
Likewise, when I had DS (my eldest) he was a calm, easy baby/toddler. So we tried for another child. Little did I know that DD was going to come along and be such a challenge to everything I experienced previously as a parent! If I’d had DD first I’m certain I wouldn’t have had another and thus eventually I was faced with juggling two kids and a toxic marriage, alone! That wasn’t what “I knew I was getting into”…

So just because the OP knew her DP had kids, like I know my partners has kids, doesn’t mean you know what it’s like for them to live with you EOW, let alone full time. As soon as you blend new family dynamics form and there is no way of foreseeing what impact that will have on each individual psychologically and behaviourally. Only time and experience together will show that.

I might thrive as a full time SM. Equally it might destroy me! Until faced with it (hopefully not!). I won’t know.

My partner has 3 children we have one together. I very much felt our lives would be ruined in his kids ever decided to live with us full time.
This year his daughter 15 did ask due to a major breakdown with her mum and stepdad I wasn't happy but when cards were on the table there was no option. However she already had her own bedroom here etc and she's generally a lovely girl and no trouble.

My partner was worried how I would adjust as he works a lot and is out the home a lot, I was clear on my boundaries a few months after she has been here and I said I would throw myself into this for him and her but if either one or both of his sons asked it would have to be a no because I could it cope with more here permanently and this work mean my son losing a room and having to sleep with us full time things I'm not willing to budge.

Mum does not financially support the daughter with us even though we do for the boys so I made it clear I cannot commit financially or emotionally to more people full time.

FYI daughter left because her and the step dad do not see eye to eye and mum 100% choose step dad and disregards daughter. Both sons get on well with step dad so it should not be an issue however our house is a lot more free and easy then mums so I wanted to preempt this and make my feelings clear in case they felt like they could move to enjoy more freedom too etc

@squishy20 💐 you aren't alone and well done for being the support you need. Don't use MN as a bench for how well your doing as a mum or SM. Half the drivel that's spouted on here wouldn't ever be said in real life.

@mommabear2386 thank you for sharing this. It was a really kind and insightful post and when your a SM struggling and people utter those words, sometimes we need to hear exactly what you put. Thank you ❤️

Our younger (adult) DSCs lived with us for several years before flying the nest. My worry was if DH died, and then I would have sole responsibility (special needs) - that led to some intense discussion and the taking out of insurance policies. It also led to some very hands on career training, CV and interview prep. Gruelling, mega tantrums and unhelpful opposition from the wider family, but ultimately we won out and DSC are pretty much independent now.

This actually happened to me. We are not married. I own the home. My fiancees ex wife had a cyst in her brain that caused her to nearly pass away. She now is permanently mentally disabled and lives in a nursing home. This literally happened over night, and I had no choice and felt pressure to take my step kids in. I didn't know them well yet, just saw them weekends. but soon discovered they were dreadful. No structure, no boundaries, entitled, overly attention seeking and obnoxious. At the time they were 7, 4 and 3. Now they are 8, 6 and 4 and I am miserable. I have a 17 year old daughter and was done raising young kids. I never wanted a gaggle of children. But these kids? It's been well over a year and a half and dad just let's them run the house. I own the home and worked myself to the bone to buy it before my fiancee entered my life. Now his kids have taken over and it doesn't feel like my home anymore. I avoid being in my own house because I cannot stand to be around them most times. Every waking moment of our lives is consumed by his overly demanding and entitled kids. And I have no escape. They live here 24/7. This was a situation nobody could have predicted. They started living here because I felt obligated to allow it since they basically lost their mother and their home. But I'm losing my mind, my happiness, well being, patience and my home. All for what? Rude, ungrateful, self centered children that are not mine and I never planned to or would have every hoped to live with full time. I love my fiancee deeply but this tragic event has changed everything. I feel overwhelming guilt and anxiety because I know that he knows this situation is not working out for me and I am miserable. I can't stand his kids. I tried, but at the end of the day they are not my responsibility and I am obligated to do nothing for them. After over a year of rude, ungrateful and destructive behavior in my own home I'm getting to the point where I have no choice but to call it quits. Which breaks my heart. I love my fiancee deeply, but I just don't love or even like his kids now that they are here full time. It's soul sucking. I go back and forth on ending it just don't know what to do anymore.

I think this is one of those things that a lot of people probably feel but don't admit to. I could never date a man with kids full stop, never mind live with them and being on MN has further solidified my stance. I just don't have it in me to be a step-parent.

@Catallica22 That sounds awful for you. I think you need to either leave or put your foot down big time about their behaviour. It's your house and you shouldn't have to live like this. I know you say you live your partner but it sounds like he needs to step up and parent his kids.

Then your relationship with your DP is not fair or equitable. You expect him to live with your DCS but will not give him and his DCS the same respect.

@Catallica22 I'm so sorry you are struggling with the way things are.
What is your partner's parenting like and does he back you up when you discipline the children? Is he always on your team? The next 15 years is going to be a very long time to wait things out unless your partner can really, drastically change how he parents, and you can commit to seeing the kids as your step-kids. If you can't do that, I think you need to ask him to move out.

@uneffingbelievable I am assuming DCS means my bio child. I'm still learning this acronyms. Well, funny you mention that. My 17 year old moved out of state to live with her dad a year ago. She was having a lot of mental health issues and I was becoming concerned she would be a danger to herself and those in this house. Her father and I both agreed to have her move in with him. Hardest decision I ever made but was for her benefit. My DP's oldest son shows very concerning and dangerous behavior and traits. He has no empathy, no remorse. He is extremely manipulative, lies, steals, cheats, blame shifts, is violent, is destructive and is completely self centered and entitled. Natural consequences for ill behavior do not seem to be resonating with him. His son has threatened me, screamed at me, and said he hates me. I don't feel completely safe with him in my home and his behavior is particularly damaging to his siblings. My own daughter no longer lives with me because her mental states became threatening. Yet my step son is still here. Still taking over my home and creating chaos wherever he goes. I have had endless discussions with his father about it. He agrees it needs to be addressed. Agrees on how it should be addressed. Is great for a bit but then falls back and gets lazy with it. Parenting his kids needs to be his top priority at all times. Yet, it is not. I have told him I will not allow children who behave this way to live in my home. And I understand it takes time. However he is too inconsistent and they still walk all over him. He either doesn't understand how to provide the structure they need or doesn't want to I'm not sure. Either way, I struggle daily with how to handle this. All I know is, what he is currently doing is not working. I am suffering because I chose to help him and his kids in their time of need. And there is zero appreciation or respect for that fact. I owe his children nothing. And have no desire to do or provide anything for them anymore because of their terrible behavior.

It almost did ruin my relationship. Dh was scared to back me up in case they voted with their feet and went back to mum.. and they took full advantage, behaving hideously. Shot our pet with a pellet gun and plenty more.

Long gone thank goodness but I'm still resentful.

I'm shocked at the language you've used to describe an 8 year old who will have been traumatised by having to move home overnight and his mum becoming disabled and having to live in a nursing home. The poor child.

You accuse him of no empathy. Where is your own?

That child deserves better.

If you lived with him you would understand. He was that way before this happened to his mom. I just didn't see the full extent until they moved in full time. And it doesn't matter the reasons for his behavior. The behavior is still there, still escalating and was still not being addressed by his father. It has been damaging to everyone else in the home. Including his 2 younger siblings who went through the same trauma. I gave these kids a good try. But when I feel threatened in my own home by a kid I'm not obligated to allow to live there? Just no. He will not be an 8 year old kid forever. Violent and disturbed 8 year old kids can quickly turn into violent and disturbed teenagers. I had great empathy for these kids. And what happened to their mother is terrible. But that still does not obligate me to allow them to live in my home and terrorize my life. I didn't sign up for that. I gave it a try, and it didn't work. It was never my burden to bear. Yet his whole family seemed to feel it was. Putting up boundaries does not make me a bad person. Pointing out disturbing personality traits this child has does not make me a bad person. Please do not attempt to shame me. These kids are their father's priority, but they are not mine. And that should never have been expected of me to begin with.