It would ruin my relationship if my step children ever lived with us

[PickledOnionsOnToast]

I just had to say that.

Does anyone else feel that way?

I don't think about it often but when I do I genuinely can't envisage ever wanting to stay in my marriage if my step children had to come and live with us full time.

I could honestly not be doing with being "mum" to both my DC and my SC and all that entails and I doubt very much I would ever be happy with the situation.

@SpaceshiptoMars

Walking away from their father will have an impact on them

Not so much of a negative impact if he is hyperfocused on his children from the first family, I'd guess. Not so much of a negative impact if the older children are bullying her DC either.

Just as parents get very pissed off if a childless person tries telling them how to parent, step-parents get very pissed off being dictated to by those who have never step-parented. If you don't have the lived experience, don't expect to be listened to with much reverence.

You don't know that though do you? The only person who can answer any of these questions is the OP and then she doesn't have a crystal ball either.

You're letting your own bias get in the way so that all step parents are good and hard done by, all ex wives/partners are evil and all step children are ruined by pernicious birth mothers. Well, everyone has the potential to be an asshole y'know.

You're letting your own bias get in the way so that all step parents are good and hard done by, all ex wives/partners are evil and all step children are ruined by pernicious birth mothers. Well, everyone has the potential to be an asshole y'know.

I'm pointing out to you that this is not a debating society at uni. This is a support forum for step-parents by step-parents. You're welcome to your opinions, but in this field, you do not have the lived experience to speak with any authority.

Nor is it appreciated if damaged step-children wade in and use this forum to find therapy dolls and human punch bags. If you do this to a new poster who is nearly suicidal here, expect to be jumped on from a great height.

I could have mine full time-I love them-but there would be a lot of loooooong dog walks when they start fighting which they do at the moment all the live long day....

Seems a bit harsh that you would break up your own family and leave your husband and disrupt your child's life because of something you know might very well happen one day (the step kids living with you full time) probably shouldn't of had children with someone who allready has children if you can't handle the possibility of them living with you full time, not fair on your own child that you had with your partner or your partner.

@SpaceshiptoMars

You're letting your own bias get in the way so that all step parents are good and hard done by, all ex wives/partners are evil and all step children are ruined by pernicious birth mothers. Well, everyone has the potential to be an asshole y'know.

I'm pointing out to you that this is not a debating society at uni. This is a support forum for step-parents by step-parents. You're welcome to your opinions, but in this field, you do not have the lived experience to speak with any authority.

Nor is it appreciated if damaged step-children wade in and use this forum to find therapy dolls and human punch bags. If you do this to a new poster who is nearly suicidal here, expect to be jumped on from a great height.

Have you seen me do that? No. No you haven't. The reason for this is because I haven't offered any step-parenting advice. I have asked if she has considered the affect that her actions would have on her own child? Parent to parent advice. Nothing about her step kids.

As I say, your bias is blinding and you, and no-one else here, has any right to say that I cannot post on a public forum.

[quote SpaceshiptoMars]**@WrongWayApricot, @SleepOhHowIMissYou

Let me challenge you to a thought experiment. Imagine you are a child in a nuclear family where the mother suddenly dies. You have various uncles and aunties with their own families. Benefits are not available, so Dad has to work despite having a bunch of small children under 5. There is no insurance payout. What happens to you now? What thoughts do you imagine are running through the heads of the various aunts and uncles? (Blood relatives, remember, so some moral obligation there).[/quote]
I don't know, hopefully helpful and kind thoughts? When my dad died my aunts, uncles and older cousins invited us round more, had me stay over, babysat me very often, helped mum out with money and fixed our car loads of times. I'd do the same for them or more if I had to. We don't talk often to any of the extended family these days (moved further apart etc.) so I don't imagine they'd ask me to take on their kids but I would if they did. I guess it also depends on what support is actually required, that would be different for a lot of parents and families.

Tell him how you feel now so he can decided whether to continue the marriage with you.

So HE is allowed to make decisions about what he wants in life but the OP isn’t allowed to do the same. Now why does that not surprise me?

I have said from the outset, consider the impact this will have on your own children. Walking away from their father will have an impact on them

I’m sure OP has considered it.
But she also needs to consider how she will be HER BEST SELF for HER CHILD. If she will be stressed and feel bogged down because she’s a full time stepmum then that will have a huge impact on herself and her child and that isn’t fair on both of them. Better to have a clear mind and focus on building a happy life for her and her child rather than plod along unhappily.

@jimmyjammy001

Seems a bit harsh that you would break up your own family and leave your husband and disrupt your child's life because of something you know might very well happen one day (the step kids living with you full time) probably shouldn't of had children with someone who allready has children if you can't handle the possibility of them living with you full time, not fair on your own child that you had with your partner or your partner.

As I've said, it's the problems or issues I imagine it would cause in my relationship not solely the SC moving in.

@funinthesun19

I have said from the outset, consider the impact this will have on your own children. Walking away from their father will have an impact on them

I’m sure OP has considered it.
But she also needs to consider how she will be HER BEST SELF for HER CHILD. If she will be stressed and feel bogged down because she’s a full time stepmum then that will have a huge impact on herself and her child and that isn’t fair on both of them. Better to have a clear mind and focus on building a happy life for her and her child rather than plod along unhappily.

OP doesn't have a crystal ball. Neither do you, and you are less informed that the OP. You are stating as fact something that no-one can know.

The only 'fact' is that her leaving will change her child's life. For better? For worse? I repeat, no-one know, not her, not you, not me. However, the fact that this change will occur should be considered.

Presenting that OP will walk away and suddenly be free and skipping through lollipop land is really far less helpful isn't it?

And you seem to think it’s fact that her children will be doomed to a lifetime of unhappiness if she splits with her husband. That’s not helpful.

Nothing about my post suggests lollipop land and unicorns and rainbows. It’s fucking hard. What I am saying is that she is entitled to focus on her and her child if that’s what she wants to do if things go wrong. As do many mums on here who have split with their children’s fathers.
Should second wives sit and wallow in it when they get a divorce, while first wives get to move on and build a life for themselves?

@funinthesun19

Tell him how you feel now so he can decided whether to continue the marriage with you.

So HE is allowed to make decisions about what he wants in life but the OP isn’t allowed to do the same. Now why does that not surprise me?

Well OP has already said it will end the marriage if they have to move in full time. She already has made the decision. She just needs to let her husband know then he can prepare.

Imagine something catastrophic happening and him having to take the kids in full time, then OP drops 'well actually I am off if they come'. Its not fair.

The likelihood of step kids moving full time is pretty low in most situations though?

Yes I do agree she needs to tell him and have that conversation with him. He might decide to end it which he would be very entitled to do as there is always that possibility his children will move in. He needs to not be offended by it all though, and be respectful of the OP’s feelings. It will no doubt sting a bit but he’d need to be realistic and get in with it.

get ON with it. Not in.

Where does it say this is a step parent support forum for step parents and supported by step parents.

Have to say I have learned a lot from older step DCS on this forum, ex step parents, DMS who have negotiated the path etc. So much posted on this forum makes assumptions about other parties and why they do things and say things and it spirals into a bitch fest - all on a few words.

I don't think it does but its a given, no one would dream of going on to the single parent boards and bashing struggling posters the way they do on this one

Where does it say this is a step parent support forum for step parents and supported by step parents.

Are you also giving it large on the Multicultural Families or Parents of Adult Children forums if you have no experience of either?

And if so - why?

Ahh that was a whole other thread but we told her about pregnancy and said look we aren't sure if it's going to pan out because issues have been picked up and it might mean baby isn't compatible with life... she was lovely fine and supportive.

When we told her few months later actually baby will live just might be quite poorly at birth and need ops after ... it suddenly dawned on her there will be another baby on the way and suddenly started kicking off about SD being pushed out because we need to manage risk infection/Covid and follow hospital guidance post birth and summarising her words "she didn't think it would be a issue because DSC would be a only child still and baby would dead so no need to isolate."
She doesn't believe in Covid and started asking to have maintaince upped to take into my income because DSC would lose the financial benefits she gets from both me and DH and threatened contact. We hadn't suggested reducing maintaince, these are just extras I pay for because I can for DSD by choice, which I never said would stop even thought to 😵‍💫

Basically she had a dream that DSD would remain a only child for rest of her life and because we had waited respectful amount of time to have a baby together she thought it was off the cards completely. She said to us later on because of all my issues with infertility that she just assumed that I would be grateful for what I had. Ignoring the fact DSD and DH have been bugging for a sibling for god knows how long. I was the one dragging my feet.

That was fun. That time period. God knows what will happen at birth.

I can't stress enough how much this floored me.

I’m so so sorry you’ve been through all this
She sounds absolutely awful. Making herself look nice and caring when secretly she was glad. Yuck. At least you’ve seen her for who she truly is now and you can keep your distance. I know I would.
And if she wants it to be just dsd then she can choose not to have any more children herself, and focus on her own life with dsd. She doesn’t get to thrust that ideal on to you.

Wishing you lots of happiness for the future with your little one. Congratulations!

@funinthesun19

And you seem to think it’s fact that her children will be doomed to a lifetime of unhappiness if she splits with her husband. That’s not helpful.

Nothing about my post suggests lollipop land and unicorns and rainbows. It’s fucking hard. What I am saying is that she is entitled to focus on her and her child if that’s what she wants to do if things go wrong. As do many mums on here who have split with their children’s fathers.
Should second wives sit and wallow in it when they get a divorce, while first wives get to move on and build a life for themselves?

I've said my experience was a poor one. OP has been a step child too so will no doubt use her own experience to decide on what's best for her child.

You said...

"Better to have a clear mind and focus on building a happy life for her and her child rather than plod along unhappily."

Biased advice. You don't know that this option is better. No-one, OP included, knows how it will pan out as we can't see into the future.

It's very blue sky thinking that ignores that one set of problems will be replaced with another as now OP is the "evil" ex and her children become potentially 2 other people's step children if both her and her husband find new partners. Regardless, an absolute given is that OP's children will be spending a portion of their time away from their mother going forward as custody will be split between parents. Who knows what "reprehensible" behaviour will ensue as a result of this?

@SpaceshiptoMars

Where does it say this is a step parent support forum for step parents and supported by step parents.

Are you also giving it large on the Multicultural Families or Parents of Adult Children forums if you have no experience of either?

And if so - why?

No, but I could. Both these caveats apply to me, but, even if they didn't, I still could. This is a public forum after all.

No I don’t know which option is the right one, but to me it’s the logical one and it’s the advice I would give over the on the relationships board if a woman was unhappy in her marriage and didn’t see it ever improving. Whether that is because of stepchildren moving in or another reason.

Being with someone when you don’t want to be can be soul destroying over time, and the “think of the children” mantra is so unhelpful.

Look, I’m not saying break ups are easy. You seem to think I’m making out to be unicorns and rainbows when it’s not. I went through a very messy break up 2 years ago because my ex made it difficult. When I was going through it, people said do NOT go back to him. I would rather have listened to the realistic advice they gave to me than the advice you would have given to me about children needing their parents together.

Maybe your advice is biased too? OP can read both and decide for herself.

And so what if op becomes the ex? First wives don’t stay with their husbands out of fear of becoming the ex. Why should op? I don’t even think that way at all.

Sorry OP if I’m waffling on now. My advice is there and I hope it helps if you ever need it one day. If not, please just ignore it.

@funinthesun19 my advice would only be biased if I had said "this is out of the frying pan and into the fire, you are going to be so much worse off if you leave" which I haven't done.

I have said have you considered the consequences of these actions? Totally different.

One is telling the OP what to do (or what not to do in this case) while the other is pointing out that the actions mentioned come with their own set of different problems so they can then weigh up the pros and cons themselves.

The OP is the expert on her own life, not us.

Okidoki. Your posts don’t at all indicate what you think the op should do.
The whole point of giving advice is to say what you think a person do to help themselves. It’s not actually telling them what to do. Or else what’s the point in support forums or ringing your friend when you’re upset and need help? Opening up to people might bring opinions and advice you don’t like or agree with or want to hear, but that’s because we’re all different. Op might think I’m talking a load of crap and that’s fine.

Op is an an expert on her own life I agree with you on that one.