Page 13 | It would ruin my relationship if my step children ever lived with us

PickledOnionsOnToast · 2021-12-19T21:45:30+00:00

I just had to say that. Does anyone else feel that way? I don't think about it often but when I do I genuinely can't envisage ever wanting to stay in my marriage if my step children had to come and live with us full time. I could honestly not be doing with being "mum" to both my DC and my SC and all that entails and I doubt very much I would ever be happy with the situation.

motheroflions · 21/12/2021 20:17

@SpaceshiptoMars

This is why there are so many fucked up blended families because people enter families that are already made with little or no emotional intelligence.

No, no, let me put that right for you..

This is why there are so many fucked up blended families because people enter families that are already broken with no idea of the hell they are getting into.

No, I think they are well aware but the thought of settling down is too much of a prize to consider the consequences.

SpaceshiptoMars · 21/12/2021 20:18

Arguably this thinking is the problem that means a blended family will never work. The SM is always an outsider expected to slot in to this ‘ready made family’ (with the mother in charge whether she’s there or not).

Bolt on Barbaras and Interchangeable Emmas.

Luredbyapomegranate · 21/12/2021 20:19

@motheroflions fuck me that is a nasty remark to make about the huge number of people who work really hard to be good step parents. I hope you feel good about yourself.

motheroflions · 21/12/2021 20:33

[quote Luredbyapomegranate]@motheroflions fuck me that is a nasty remark to make about the huge number of people who work really hard to be good step parents. I hope you feel good about yourself.[/quote]
I know there are lots of people that work hard to be step parents. I know some!

Being a step parent is a very hard role and you need emotional intelligence in bucket loads - it is not demonstrated on many of these threads though. What is displayed in mostly women complaining and just about tolerating them/disliking their spouses kids - despite going on to have even more with him.

Are men really in such short supply women wilfully get with men even though they dont like their kids or understand that if they continue the relationship there may be a time when the father has to take on the kids full time? It really isn't rocket science.

SpaceshiptoMars · 21/12/2021 20:49

or understand that if they continue the relationship there may be a time when the father has to take on the kids full time? It really isn't rocket science.

Honeymoon period. Dad and kids can be lovely at first. Same problems as marriage no. 1.

BeyondOurReef · 21/12/2021 20:55

@motheroflions except that what many women find is that the man they thought they knew was a total lie. And he changed beyond all recognition after one or other of having children/getting married.

He went from a reasonable guy trying to set healthy boundaries for his children to Disney dad on steroids with a huge entitlement to her labour.

It’s a common tale. But out patriarchal society tells it as her tricking him and then showing her true colours once she’s got her man.

Original poster

PickledOnionsOnToast · 21/12/2021 21:04

Wait so now I must hate and / or merely tolerate my SC purely because I wouldn't be happy staying in a situation where they moved in and I ended up parenting them 100% of the time? Really?

Please show me anywhere in my posts that I have suggested I hate anyone.

People talking about emotional intelligence and then responding with emotionally fuelled projections

My SC already live here 50% of the time. I am happy with that, no one is sending them off to us to be merely tolerated, that's emotive crap frankly. I've explained several times why 100% of the time would be too much for me to be happy with.

Who knew though that unless you actively want your SC to live with you and parent them completely for 100% of the time, you must hate though. It's the only logical explanation obviously 🤣

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Original poster

PickledOnionsOnToast · 21/12/2021 21:05

Must hate them*

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Woodmarsh · 21/12/2021 21:28

If I'm honest I can only think of maybe 2 people I could live with full time. Not wanting to live with step kids full time is perfectly reasonable and quite normal. Not living with their father due to the very low likelihood that the mother might die and they need to move in would be irrational

WrongWayApricot · 21/12/2021 21:52

For crying out loud, why can't you tell your husband to look after his kids? Really, why aren't we talking about that. A ton of people have complained about black and white thinking but are also the same people to say it's understandable that your only options are martyr or divorce. They're not and it should be sorted sooner rather than later. You shouldn't be doing all the parenting now, let alone if they lived there full time.

It's absolutely barmy reasoning to say there's nothing wrong with my husband but also if his ex dies I will have to 100% look after my step children and so I will leave the family. There's nothing in between? No communication? Not even 'look after your own kids if they ever have to live here, I don't want to do it all'?

The reason there is so much backlash is because what you should be saying is 'I know my husband isn't as supportive and pro active as I thought he was and he won't step up if we need him to' but what you wrote is 'I can't be doing with the step kids if they lived here'. If your husband wasn't a crap dad and partner it wouldn't cross your mind that you'd be unsupported if your step kids move in. Base the decision on your husbands qualities or lack thereof rather than how much your dsc are around when you decide to divorce him. It's not about them it's about him.

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 21/12/2021 22:02

Nah I don't really agree with that @WrongWayApricot. My husband is mainly a good dad but I still don't want to live with someone else's kids 100% of the time - that's the bottom line.

aSofaNearYou · 21/12/2021 22:17

@chocolatesaltyballs22

Nah I don't really agree with that *@WrongWayApricot*. My husband is mainly a good dad but I still don't want to live with someone else's kids 100% of the time - that's the bottom line.

Agreed. Substitute "don't wan't to be expected to do everything with them" with "don't want to have to spend all or the vast majority of my time with them" and you'll see that the core issue is not the DP, it's simply not wanting to live full time with the SC.

BeyondOurReef · 21/12/2021 22:17

Base the decision on your husbands qualities or lack thereof rather than how much your dsc are around when you decide to divorce him. It's not about them it's about him.

Tbh, I agree with this.

The problem with living with my SC is not really them at all. There are issues with their attitude and behaviour. Yes. But, the problem is their father and his inconsistent guilty divorced dad parenting, his sense of entitlement to having me look after his children for him (but without any authority), and his scapegoating of me.

They could be utterly lovely children to live with, if it weren’t for their father. Even their mother’s choices and values could be counteracted with decent parenting from him. The problem is him. His choices. His attitudes. His behaviour. The stepfamily situation amplifies the problematic aspects of him in ways that are infuriating.

The thing about blended families is that the flashpoints sometimes look like they might be the children. But most of the time, it’s their parents that are the issue. And it becomes untenable because the one that’s supposed to be your partner is very much not acting like he’s your partner.

That’s a perfectly reasonable reason to leave someone. And to recognise that it might be tolerable until a certain triggering event occurs. But there’s an underlying problem that you’re able to live with so long as it’s not all the time or some other mitigating factor is in play.

Mashrums · 21/12/2021 22:21

@chocolatesaltyballs22

Nah I don't really agree with that *@WrongWayApricot*. My husband is mainly a good dad but I still don't want to live with someone else's kids 100% of the time - that's the bottom line.

OP said:

Wait so now I must hate and / or merely tolerate my SC purely because I wouldn't be happy staying in a situation where they moved in and I ended up parenting them 100% of the time? Really?

I was not making a blanket statement about step mums, you really think that's what I'd say to every step mum? Why would you think I'm talking about/to you or your situation?

WrongWayApricot · 21/12/2021 22:22

^ me again 🙄

motheroflions · 21/12/2021 23:05

@chocolatesaltyballs22

Nah I don't really agree with that *@WrongWayApricot*. My husband is mainly a good dad but I still don't want to live with someone else's kids 100% of the time - that's the bottom line.

And I take it you had the conversation with him before you got married and he accepted it?

What would ever happen if their mother died? Have you discussed the children going in to care or him/you moving out to look after his kids full time?

SleepOhHowIMissYou · 22/12/2021 00:17

@BeyondOurReef why do you assume I won't believe you? People can be shit for many reasons. For example, when I was 16, my Step Mother physically attacked me because I left a footprint on a rug when I walked on it (not mud, the imprint of the sole of my DM). I went to the police to document the bruises round my neck where she got a choke hold on me. My father made me drop the prosecution though, threatened to make me homeless then banned me from going in the living room (so I would never again stand on her majesty's rug).

All people have the potential to be arseholes. I'm just curious to see what you consider "reprehensible". Is her behaviour similar to the above?

BeyondOurReef · 22/12/2021 07:17

Why do you need to know what terrible things she’s done. She’s not violent to me (although she has attacked my husband - and in public). The particular awfulness of my SC’s mother is not relevant here. Do you could just take my word for it (based on my experience of the woman and the dreadful stunts she pulls) that she’s reprehensible.

Original poster

PickledOnionsOnToast · 22/12/2021 07:21

I've said already that the set up our family is currently in would likely lead to that. I am the main caregiver to our DC and I work less because of that. If SC moved in tomorrow, that wouldn't necessarily change. I'd just be doing it for 4 children instead of 2.

I don't know what the answer is because it would be shit either way. I tell my husband to parent his own kids and I end up losing the time with mine because he'd have to swap roles with me to make it work or I stay doing what we are now but accept that means I'll have to do the same for SC as I do DC in terms of daily parenting.

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PickledOnionsOnToast · 22/12/2021 07:25

And I guess it is partly DH too because I know he'd never want to swap roles. He loves his job and I'm happy with that meaning I get to spend more time with DC.

Even if I said I'd swap with him it would cause arguments I imagine because he'd not want to.

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SpaceshiptoMars · 22/12/2021 07:53

In reality, if bereaved or abandoned children arrive on the doorstep, people deal with that in the moment. Whatever you might think in advance, what you actually do is governed by the circumstances of the day. Bashing people because of what they fear might happen is all kinds of crazy - better to do what you can to calm the fears - take out some insurance perhaps, to give yourself options if it happens.

(I had a pretty tragic early childhood, got personal experience).

SleepOhHowIMissYou · 22/12/2021 08:55

@BeyondOurReef

Why do you need to know what terrible things she’s done. She’s not violent to me (although she has attacked my husband - and in public). The particular awfulness of my SC’s mother is not relevant here. Do you could just take my word for it (based on my experience of the woman and the dreadful stunts she pulls) that she’s reprehensible.

I was curious to what constitutes "evil ex-wife" behaviour. You mentioned you're also an ex-wife/partner so perhaps there's another step mother ranting about your reprehensible behaviour somewhere on social media. It's very subjective isn't it?

What all the parents mentioned on here so far do have that my father lacked is fierce loyalty to their children. This loyalty may make life difficult for step mothers who view this as preferential treatment born out of guilt, but it's no different to how you feel about your own kids really. Plus he is supposed to put his kids first, that's what non sociopathic parents do. Why on earth would you want a man who places you above his children, that's a massive red flag that you're dealing with a narcissist?

SleepOhHowIMissYou · 22/12/2021 09:04

@PickledOnionsOnToast

I've said already that the set up our family is currently in would likely lead to that. I am the main caregiver to our DC and I work less because of that. If SC moved in tomorrow, that wouldn't necessarily change. I'd just be doing it for 4 children instead of 2.

I don't know what the answer is because it would be shit either way. I tell my husband to parent his own kids and I end up losing the time with mine because he'd have to swap roles with me to make it work or I stay doing what we are now but accept that means I'll have to do the same for SC as I do DC in terms of daily parenting.

It would change either way if the situation arises because the amount of one to one time with your own children would be split between you and him.

You may perhaps also have to work full time to fund your new home depending on your circumstances.

Did you ever experience divorce as a child?

Original poster

PickledOnionsOnToast · 22/12/2021 09:11

Did you ever experience divorce as a child?

Yes. And if you'd read my posts you'd see I'm also a step child.

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PickledOnionsOnToast · 22/12/2021 09:17

You wouldn't let them go into care tho how nice off you does dh not get a say then?

🤣🤣 Fuck off with your twisting.

Another poster mentioned care, not me. I was responding to them asking if I'd expect my husband to place them in care instead of coming to live with him. My reply was basically no of course I fucking wouldn't, that would never happen. I would never stand by and let my husband do that for my sake (not that he would).

You seem to be assuming that I'm some horrid cow who would literally give my husband the ultimatum of put your kids in care or I'll leave. That is not the case. Believe it or not I do want what is best for them. And, if what I envisage happening were to be true, I doubt that is living with me who wouldn't be happy with the situation and so I would bow out in that scenario, not expect them to obviously.

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