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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

It would ruin my relationship if my step children ever lived with us

393 replies

PickledOnionsOnToast · 19/12/2021 21:45

I just had to say that.

Does anyone else feel that way?

I don't think about it often but when I do I genuinely can't envisage ever wanting to stay in my marriage if my step children had to come and live with us full time.

I could honestly not be doing with being "mum" to both my DC and my SC and all that entails and I doubt very much I would ever be happy with the situation.

OP posts:

harryclr · 19/12/2021 21:49

Same

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 19/12/2021 21:53

Yep same here.

Luredbyapomegranate · 19/12/2021 21:59

Mine do live with us a lot if the time, but happily I love them.

Can quite understand that many people wouldn’t want that though.

candlelightsatdawn · 19/12/2021 22:03

Same but I wonder if that's because my SC are older. The expectations and behaviours have now been set and I think to expect my SD to adjust again at her age to one house full time with v different rules and lifestyle without a escape to her "normal" would be a task I couldn't have performed her age.

Depends also the circumstances of how that came to be too. Maternal death I would 100% try, but I'm not sure if any other way would work tbh.

Just10moreminutesplease · 19/12/2021 22:04

If the situation arose and your stepchildren needed to live with their dad full time for any reason, you’d be well within your rights to leave. No one is obligated to stay in a relationship… but doesn’t knowing your marriage relies on something like that make you feel like you’re settling anyway?

Are you happy in general?

I can’t imagine a situation where I’d leave my husband because he’s my family and I love him (other than if he did something awful deliberately, I suppose). It feels sad that a change of circumstance would end your marriage.

Would you feel the same if he had an accident and became disabled? Or something that would similarly impact on your life?

I’d use this knowledge to assess whether your relationship is actually working for you.

Original poster

PickledOnionsOnToast · 19/12/2021 22:04

Maternal death I would 100% try, but I'm not sure if any other way would work tbh

Try yes but only because I'd feel moral pressure to. I can't imagine it would work for me long term though still. I would be utterly miserable I am sure.

OP posts:

Original poster

PickledOnionsOnToast · 19/12/2021 22:07

Would you feel the same if he had an accident and became disabled? Or something that would similarly impact on your life?

Oddly no. I'm not quite sure how to explain it but it would feel like a complete take over of my home, in a situation where I was also having to take on more responsibility, I would feel pulled away from my own DC and I do not have any desire to spend any energy mothering DC who aren't mine taking that time and energy away from them. It seems like the one situation that would be insurmountable for me.

OP posts:

GutsInMay · 19/12/2021 22:11

@PickledOnionsOnToast

Would you feel the same if he had an accident and became disabled? Or something that would similarly impact on your life?

How does your DH feel about living in a household where he spends more time with your kids than he does with his own?

Kshhuxnxk · 19/12/2021 22:13

Crikey you better hope that nothing happens to you and someone else doesn't feel the same about your DC.

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/12/2021 22:15

That’s fair enough. Does your husband know how you feel? Has it come up?

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/12/2021 22:16

@Kshhuxnxk

Crikey you better hope that nothing happens to you and someone else doesn't feel the same about your DC.

What she could do about that even if it was something that worried her?

doodleygirl · 19/12/2021 22:16

Aged 14, my SD came to live with us permanently, she did not get on with her mum at all. We had some issues to start with but then it was fine. She is now 25 and we are very close.

Original poster

PickledOnionsOnToast · 19/12/2021 22:19

How does your DH feel about living in a household where he spends more time with your kids than he does with his own?

My DC are shared DC with DH sorry I didn't make that clear.

Crikey you better hope that nothing happens to you and someone else doesn't feel the same about your DC.

I don't feel anything particularly negative about DSC, I just do not want to live with them all of the time.

OP posts:

Original poster

PickledOnionsOnToast · 19/12/2021 22:21

DSC actually live here 50% of the time. But I do not think I could handle that being my life 100% of the time. I am happy when they are here but I'm also happy knowing I have the other 50% of my time when they aren't here.

OP posts:

Covidclaire · 19/12/2021 22:26

I don’t think you should have got married if I’m honest. What if something happens to their Mum? Or they decide they want to live with their Dad full time? So you’ll make him chose between you and his kids?

It’s like you married expecting him to commit to being with your kids the majority of the time (I assume they mainly live with you) but you wouldn’t let him spend the majority of time with his own kids.

You don’t seem like a family at all.

Covidclaire · 19/12/2021 22:27

My DC are shared DC with DH sorry I didn't make that clear

That makes it even worse.

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/12/2021 22:27

You don’t seem like a family at all.

Oh FGS

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/12/2021 22:27

@Covidclaire

My DC are shared DC with DH sorry I didn't make that clear

That makes it even worse.

No it doesn’t. Don’t be daft.

Original poster

PickledOnionsOnToast · 19/12/2021 22:28

So you’ll make him chose between you and his kids?

No of course not. But it's not a situation I'd feel able to stay in I don't think. I do imagine it would eventually bring about the end for us because it would be too much for me. It that case I'd leave and let him get on with it not make him choose.

OP posts:

Original poster

PickledOnionsOnToast · 19/12/2021 22:29

@Covidclaire

My DC are shared DC with DH sorry I didn't make that clear

That makes it even worse.

In what way?

OP posts:

Ozanj · 19/12/2021 22:30

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

toomanyplants · 19/12/2021 22:31

Ruined mine. SD came to live with us full time, 2 years later we were getting divorced.
He was very much a Disney dad who couldn't cope with the consequences of her being punished (nothing drastic) if she behaved badly, she knew this and it spiralled out of control.
Our biological children were well behaved with clear boundaries.
Ten years later, she is still behaving like a delinquent teenager.

bubbleblower85 · 19/12/2021 22:31

@Kshhuxnxk

Crikey you better hope that nothing happens to you and someone else doesn't feel the same about your DC.

This!!!!!!!!!

I can't understand how people can be so cruel-even in their thinking towards children.

in general even if people are not able to love their step children, surely you would still be kind and welcoming as you'd want to your child treated with kindness.

I hope your step children's mum has a long and healthy life so they never have to live with you OP, and I hope their father is fierce in his love for them.

Covidclaire · 19/12/2021 22:32

@AnneLovesGilbert

You don’t seem like a family at all.

Oh FGS

I’m not sure why you say that. OP has basically just said she would make her husband chose between her and his children with her and the children he has from a previous relationship.

Covidclaire · 19/12/2021 22:35

Would you leave and take your joint children with you?

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