It would ruin my relationship if my step children ever lived with us

[PickledOnionsOnToast]

I just had to say that.

Does anyone else feel that way?

I don't think about it often but when I do I genuinely can't envisage ever wanting to stay in my marriage if my step children had to come and live with us full time.

I could honestly not be doing with being "mum" to both my DC and my SC and all that entails and I doubt very much I would ever be happy with the situation.

And now apparently if you leave your also evil.

No, no. You absolutely must leave your DH so he can focus all his time and resources on his first kids - unless their mother dies first. Then you absolutely have to stay and be their slave forever, because - will nobody think of the children?

dies first = before you get around to leaving your DH

@SpaceshiptoMars

And now apparently if you leave your also evil.

No, no. You absolutely must leave your DH so he can focus all his time and resources on his first kids - unless their mother dies first. Then you absolutely have to stay and be their slave forever, because - will nobody think of the children?

Don’t think of your own children though. Only the SC.

I find this talk of obligation from a PP though quite odd.

You can't insist someone is obliged to be happy with a situation they are not happy in. That's not how it works.

So essentially what you're saying is you think someone should be obliged to remain in a situation they are unhappy in. Which is not a sentiment I have seen anywhere else on MN actually.

And it's not just because of children either. There are poster's who are encouraged daily to leave a relationship with their OWN children involved on these boards because they aren't happy about one thing or another.

I deliberately avoided men with children for this reason,

Why did you marry a man with children???

My partner's dd has moved in, it's fine - she's his daughter so has as much right to live with us as my dd! Ok ours are at university but we went from just the two of us to 4 because they both decided to move in.

If you marry/live with a man with kids you need to accept that his children have equal billing for him

@Yuledo

I deliberately avoided men with children for this reason,

This point has been steadfastly ignored right throughout this thread.

Apparently men are an endangered species.

And so if you encounter one who has children, you must apparently snap it up. Because who know where another one might chance along?

It also strikes me how poster's honestly think that your feelings on certain things should just remain the same forever.

If you were okay to live with a 5 year old child 10 years ago when you married your husband, you should feel exactly the same now about a moody teenager, no matter whats gone on in between.

You're not allowed to change your mind. Nevermind what's gone on, nevermind if your husband has become a Disney dad, or your step child has become really difficult in teenage years, never mind if your priorities have changed since having your own children, never mind as PP and I have said already, that you've come to realise you'd likely be the one required to parent all the time if it happened and that's not what you want from your life.

Nope, X many years ago you should have foreseen every eventuality and how you may feel about it in years time.

If you marry/live with a man with kids you need to accept that his children have equal billing for him

Yes they do. I have not said otherwise. I am not required to stay if it makes me unhappy though, that's the point.

@Ozanj

Crudely put but so true. My dp has a disabled adult dd and I knew I needed to be prepared to provide care if needed. I was tempted to fetch her myself when covid broke out but her care home was brilliant and kept them safe

[quote gogohm]@Ozanj

Crudely put but so true. My dp has a disabled adult dd and I knew I needed to be prepared to provide care if needed. I was tempted to fetch her myself when covid broke out but her care home was brilliant and kept them safe[/quote]
And I'd think anyone was a twat who judged you if in years time you decided you weren't happy with the situation and wanted to leave.

You can't honestly expect people to feel the same about something for the rest of their life.

I think it's been made quite clear that this is something that has changed for me and is not how I felt when I married my husband.

@PickledOnionsOnToast

I find this talk of obligation from a PP though quite odd.

You can't insist someone is obliged to be happy with a situation they are not happy in. That's not how it works.

So essentially what you're saying is you think someone should be obliged to remain in a situation they are unhappy in. Which is not a sentiment I have seen anywhere else on MN actually.

It only applies to SP that's why. We are to have no feelings, needs or wants and if we show them then "evil step mum alert".

The bar is high for mums, but the highest bar is set for people who didn't create the children and or cause the first marriage to break.

God forbid you reproduce and baby with DH. It's been advocated on here that actually you shouldn't ever have kids in a second family because of the "damage" it will do to the first family and take away resources, money and time and general unfairness.

That's why the line is trotted out as badge of honour. I would never ever have a relationship with someone until kids are in their graves, because that's what a "good" mother does.

Basically- mental well-being, security and reproductive choices should be striped from all SM in case it impacts the kids.

Lord give me strength.

I’m not really sure how to feel when reading threads like this. I’m not a step-parent, so I haven’t been there myself, although I have a step parent and step siblings, so I also don’t think biological relation is important for making a family.

I think as long as you aren’t asking your partner to have less contact with his children for your comfort, then it’s fine to privately acknowledge that you wouldn’t necessarily want your step kids to live with you full time.

It’s fine to not want to be their mum, they have a mum. I’m separated from my son’s dad and while I would be annoyed if his (at this point mostly hypothetical) partner didn’t want my son over there, if she was saying she’d love to have him full time I’d be telling that bitch to back off. It’s a funny position to be in, for all involved.

I actually said to my (then) partner that I would never live with his kids full time. He still asked me to marry him knowing my thoughts. Is that on him or me? Who knows. My position is still the same. As for adults still living with you? No way, fuck that.

*Apparently men are an endangered species.

And so if you encounter one who has children, you must apparently snap it up. Because who know where another one might chance along?*

Yes certainly - best look for only virgin men. Because otherwise you know there might be a nutty ex in the background and you know know what your getting into if you sleep with a man who isn't a virgin. Gonna cause all trouble.

All men once procreated are now objects, owned by their previous partners, and all must be absolutely 🛎 ends if rejected/unhappy with first relationship in which they procreated. Obviously.

😅

Ignore the haters. I feel the same, my step children are here 1-2 nights a week. I can't wait for them to go home. They create so much mess, washing, cooking.
I couldn't have them live here 50% of the time let alone 100%.
It's a natural way to feel about other children. You don't love them like your own, no one can truly say they do!

It’s fine to not want to be their mum, they have a mum. I’m separated from my son’s dad and while I would be annoyed if his (at this point mostly hypothetical) partner didn’t want my son over there, if she was saying she’d love to have him full time I’d be telling that bitch to back off. It’s a funny position to be in, for all involved.

Most step parents actually are rather fond of their SC, I am even with all the things that come with it. The SC rarely are the ones causing the issues, people have been blasted on here for saying they love their SC (wrong answer) and not saying they love their SC (wrong answer).

Ultimately I would take a fairly dim view on anyone trying to replace the mum in my SC life, I wouldn't ever expect her to view me as such. However the comments on here are literally saying for SP to do just that.

It gives me the ick tbh.

@mummytotwoboys0600 make their actual parent do the work of looking after them! And why on earth should anyone be expected to love another person's kids like their own? (And then be made to feel guilty if they don't...)

@candlelightsatdawn

*Apparently men are an endangered species.

And so if you encounter one who has children, you must apparently snap it up. Because who know where another one might chance along?*

Yes certainly - best look for only virgin men. Because otherwise you know there might be a nutty ex in the background and you know know what your getting into if you sleep with a man who isn't a virgin. Gonna cause all trouble.

All men once procreated are now objects, owned by their previous partners, and all must be absolutely 🛎 ends if rejected/unhappy with first relationship in which they procreated. Obviously.

😅

What are you on about?

Men either come with children, or are virgins…?!?

Maybe step out into the real world. There’s avast swathe of middle ground.

@Mumoblue

I’m not really sure how to feel when reading threads like this. I’m not a step-parent, so I haven’t been there myself, although I have a step parent and step siblings, so I also don’t think biological relation is important for making a family.

I think as long as you aren’t asking your partner to have less contact with his children for your comfort, then it’s fine to privately acknowledge that you wouldn’t necessarily want your step kids to live with you full time.

It’s fine to not want to be their mum, they have a mum. I’m separated from my son’s dad and while I would be annoyed if his (at this point mostly hypothetical) partner didn’t want my son over there, if she was saying she’d love to have him full time I’d be telling that bitch to back off. It’s a funny position to be in, for all involved.

This is it isn't it. You shouldn't want to live with your step children full time because that's overstepping, but if you don't want to you're cruel 🤣

Mine lived with us full time. They were 8 and 12 when we met.

They’ve boomeranged back and forth. At 34 and 30 they are now like adult friends. My ds who was 5 when we met, loved growing up with them. Believe it or not I’m attached to my step kids.

I also had a friend who’s&a Dh had 2 children who lived with their mum. They ran away from her age 8 and 9 to live with their dad.

Stepchildren have 2 homes. Personally I’d make sure you’re ready to welcome them.

@Mumoblue

I’m not really sure how to feel when reading threads like this. I’m not a step-parent, so I haven’t been there myself, although I have a step parent and step siblings, so I also don’t think biological relation is important for making a family.

I think as long as you aren’t asking your partner to have less contact with his children for your comfort, then it’s fine to privately acknowledge that you wouldn’t necessarily want your step kids to live with you full time.

It’s fine to not want to be their mum, they have a mum. I’m separated from my son’s dad and while I would be annoyed if his (at this point mostly hypothetical) partner didn’t want my son over there, if she was saying she’d love to have him full time I’d be telling that bitch to back off. It’s a funny position to be in, for all involved.

Deciding to leave is not telling his to see his children less.

And actually it is ok to say to him that he needs to think about how much parenting he’s willing to do (rather than expecting if his partner) and how his parenting of his children from a previous relationship affect everyone else. And to decide on how much he sees his children based on that.

If he isn’t willing to do the parenting work and feels entitled to pass it on to the woman in the house, then he’s not actually having proper contact with his children. He should admit that he just fancies a few hours of fun activities here and there and nothing else.

Similarly, if he will not discipline his children in any meaningful way and allows them to behave in ways that make everyone else miserable, he needs to consider that that choice has consequences. He’s likely to find himself in the market for a new skivvy to do the work but have no authority to improve the behaviour.

If his ex dies, he’ll have his children full time. And shouldn’t be surprised if someone who found EOW difficult decides they’re not up for FT.

It is also interesting that you want ‘that bitch’ to accommodate and care for your children but only on your own terms. That kind of attitude is hugely prevalent and it very much impacts on how the children relate to their SM. SMs are told again and again that children will know if they don’t like them so they must leave if they don’t think they are demigods. Well, they’re very much influenced by their resident parent’s attitude to their SM and they know that she thinks of her as ‘that bitch’ and stay in her assigned lane (assigned by that RP and changeable on her preferences only).

Unless the parent is prepared to make significant adjustments to that parenting style, living together as a blended family is going to be utter misery for any new partner. Many of the problems on this forum come about because the parent and their wider family are not prepared to adapt, and expect to simply bolt an additional person onto their existing family as if they were a spare part for the washing machine. lol
Excellent post & excellent point @SpaceshiptoMars.
Honestly these threads make my blood boil.
What you describe above was exactly my experience with exdp & his family & they were behaviours that were not apparent at first due to EVERYONE being on their best behaviour - initially.
We split up due to his dc, his parenting of his dc & his wider family's attitude to his dc. He knows this & while agreeing it was a problem he was not prepared to do anything about it. Or rather he was - but expected me to sit on the sidelines for another 5 years as he moved at a snails pace so as "not to upset anyone"!!!!
Even if I had stuck it out I would have walked if they had ever had to live with me full time & I was very upfront about this.
In all my dealings with exdp NO ONE, not me. not my dc, not my exh, not my family, not exdp, nor exdp's family EVER expected him to do ANYTHING for my dc bar be polite to them. And in fact if he ever did anything beyond the bare minimum he was judged, & he judged himself, for 'taking away' from his own dc!!!!
However, the reverse was that EVERYONE expected me too 'take away' from my own dc in order to tolerate & facilitate every bit of crap levelled at me and my dc by his dc & exw. And I was constantly judged for not being 'kind' & 'tolerant' enough!
Well bollocks to that!
Can all the hand wringers on here not actually see that what is expected of stepmums is completely different to what's expected of stepdads????
Men are encouraged to put themselves & their ('first') dc first but women are CONSTANTLY shamed for doing similar!
If anything had happened to my exh & my dc were will me 100% NO ONE would have judged exdp for walking away - in fact he'd be praised for it & told he was prioritising his children. But make no mistake I was judged for walking away & would have been judged even more if I'd walked away from a full time blended situation. I'd have been spoken about by all and sundry the way certain people are talking about op on here. NO value or merit would have been put on the prioritising of MY dc or MY mental health!
There will NEVER be equality between the sexes while these ridiculous outdated notions of what a woman is supposed to be/do are still being perpetuated by the type of emotional dinosaurs that lurk on here, & in Society in general.
And as an aside @Ozanj you truly are disgusting & I don't say things like that about people lightly.

Did you tell your partner this before you had kids with him/got married?