It would ruin my relationship if my step children ever lived with us

[PickledOnionsOnToast]

I just had to say that.

Does anyone else feel that way?

I don't think about it often but when I do I genuinely can't envisage ever wanting to stay in my marriage if my step children had to come and live with us full time.

I could honestly not be doing with being "mum" to both my DC and my SC and all that entails and I doubt very much I would ever be happy with the situation.

@motheroflions

Did you tell your partner this before you had kids with him/got married?

I've said repeatedly I didn't feel this way then so no... My crystal ball was missing on both of those occasions.

@motheroflions

Did you tell your partner this before you had kids with him/got married?

No. As the OP has repeatedly explained her views have changed over time and with experience.

As have her DH’s in ways that have made it increasingly obvious that it would be untenable to live with FT with no respite. But apparently it’s fine for him to change but not for her feelings to change.

@Mumoblue you can be damn sure that your attitude to your dc's sm (that bitch) will be instrumental in ruining any potentially nice relationship your dc could develop with her & will be very detrimental to their relationship with their dad & what is now his family.
I don't say that as a sm - I say that as a dm whose dc have a sm.
Your attitude is awful.

@PickledOnionsOnToast

I think the only potential hitch is if something happened to their mum and they HAD to come live with you and then you left, they may feel responsible. But there’s so many variables in that situation it seems very unlikely to ever happen. (And personally if something happens to ME I’d much rather my son goes to one of my sisters rather than his chocolate teapot of a father!)

@BeyondOurReef

No offence but you’ve taken my post in completely a different tone that was intended. No worries it’s easily done. But it was very much lighthearted in tone. My son doesn’t even have a stepmother. And even if he did, I certainly wouldn’t expect her to do what his father should be doing. But as above, the man’s a chocolate teapot, so it’ll probably happen- but that’s on him.

@Magda72
As mentioned above, that was a joke. He doesn’t have a stepmother. And my attitude is fine, thanks. 👍 Please don’t speak on my sons situation with his non resident parent, as you’ve no idea.

I'm not really sure in my situation that I can blame DH for changing. Our situation has naturally changed like it does with many families in that I now am the part time worker who cares for our DC whilst he works FT.

Therefore, I would worry that it would just become an expectation that I'd carry on doing that but now for both our DC and my SC if they had to come and live FT with us. Since being a mother and doing this, it is clear to me that I would absolutely not want to do that for another two children who are not my own.

@LoveGrooveDanceParty i figured since people were being facetious and throwing out ridiculous statements around, I would make a equally ridiculous statement as the one previously made.

The fact you can't see the parallels is ironic 😩

@PickledOnionsOnToast

I find this talk of obligation from a PP though quite odd.

You can't insist someone is obliged to be happy with a situation they are not happy in. That's not how it works.

So essentially what you're saying is you think someone should be obliged to remain in a situation they are unhappy in. Which is not a sentiment I have seen anywhere else on MN actually.

You're referring to my post. Yes, that's correct. Although I never said you were obliged to be happy? You wouldn't leave your family if you grew to find your own children to be no longer interesting or desirable. But you would because your step children are no longer interesting and desirable now you've had your own children. If you'd made a post about how DH is not the dad you thought he'd be and that was making you doubt your future, nobody would bat an eyelid. But you didn't, you say his poor parenting will only be enough to make you leave if his children need to live in your home full time.

Leave an unhappy marriage because of your partner, fine. Why wait until the worst possible timing? Leave a marriage because you have no desire or interest in children that have already been born and have no control over their situation, bit crap tbh.

If you said the same things about your DC people would rightly call it out. But apparently you say you'd divorce your husband because SDC don't make you happy and that's apparently perfectly reasonable for an adult to say.

There is obligation in family. That's why so many women choose not to get married or have children with men that have children. You don't need a crystal ball to see a specific situation to know that if you marry someone you become their family. To know that you'll likely be obliged to take on SDC full time if his ex dies and that it won't be the most delightful time of any of your lives. It's not far fetched.

Why should my sentiment be seen elsewhere on MN? I'm an individual, one that believes family with children is an obligation and happiness within that family will not always be a given. An individual that finds the 'personal choice' language copy pasted onto every scenario and relationship worrying.

@Mumoblue apologies - I didn't see your post about it being a joke - but also, no need to get snarky with me. It was a misunderstanding.

Haven't rtft yet, but I thought this, and then it happened and actually it was fine. I'm not going to lie and say it was easy, it wasn't. But I found I had more control. I put my foot down and said if I was parenting him, I was parenting him and that was that. I did the good bits and the bad and what I said went. And dp was fine with that. It took a lot of control away from his mother which was one of our big issues so in some respects it was easier because we didn't have constant changing times, demands for cash, complaints about his behaviour etc.

Unfortunately after a couple of years his mum asked him to move back in because she needed the tax credits that came with him and he did. All the positive work we had done (getting him off report, school attendance, grades, behaviour in general) went down the drain in about 6 months.

This is a tough one because you do absolutely have the right to exercise your choice and leave, you are an adult with the agency and autonomy to do so.

However, in exercising this right, you place your child in the unenviable position that your husband's children find themselves in currently. No choice, no autonomy, no agency. They have decisions made for them regarding their living arrangements that they abide by. Once separated, this will be your child's life. Following a divorce (never fun), 50% of their childhood being split between two homes and when their father remarries, a step mother there for that 50% who tolerates them (if they're lucky). What about if you remarry? Will your new partner love your child as if they were his own? If not, that's 100% of your kid's childhood being 'tolerated' in their own home.

Yes, you have a choice, does your child though?

But you would because your step children are no longer interesting and desirable

You are either deliberately or accidentally twisting what I have said.

I have not said my step children are not interesting or desirable. That would be personal about them, this is not. Me saying I have no desire or interest in being their mother or full time parent is absolutely nothing like saying they are not interesting or desirable people.

Do you think because you have no interest in playing mum to your neighbours child that it means that child specifically is not interesting or desirable? No, of course not. It's just that you don't want to be her Mum. Which is a perfectly normal thing nor is it personally insulting.

The thought of my DD who existed first , being treated like an interloper and unwelcome by some witch makes me want to always work on my marriage .
Op & others have repeatedly not said they would treat a child as an interloper. What HAS been said is that they would choose to leave or live apart - totally different.
Again I repeat that a stepdad would not be judged for leaving & putting himself & his dc first but a stepmother is!

NCFail Used my earwax post name to reply 🤦‍♀️😂 but still, my point still stands

@Magda72 No worries, tone is hard to gauge over text and someone else also misunderstood so I clearly didn’t word it that great. Also apologies I’m snarky by nature!

I do think it’s a strange line to walk for step parents between not overstepping and not being accused of being disinterested. It’s something I do try and keep in mind for when my kid does get a step parent.

Yes, you have a choice, does your child though?

Does any child when their parents separate? It's not a new thing. I'm not suggesting it's an easy thing either and it of course would not be a simple or easy decision.

But really, is living with a miserable unhappy parent much better? Regardless of why the parent is unhappy, people are always told it is better for DC that their parents be happy and not simply 'staying for the children', it is rightly said on many threads that staying simply for the children's sake when you are miserable is terrible advice.

@Veeveeoxox

Thank you for this post whenever me and OH are having troubles I sometimes fantasise about leaving. The step parenting boards never fail to make me think clearly . The thought of my DD who existed first , being treated like an interloper and unwelcome by some witch makes me want to always work on my marriage .

And your children and any potential future women thank you because the attitude you have towards any "futures witches" would damage your children.

And as a current "witch" I'm for one sick of parents being completely blind to the damage they do to their own children because they can't manage their own feelings and out those feelings on children.

@Veeveeoxox

Thank you for this post whenever me and OH are having troubles I sometimes fantasise about leaving. The step parenting boards never fail to make me think clearly . The thought of my DD who existed first , being treated like an interloper and unwelcome by some witch makes me want to always work on my marriage .

You're welcome

I'm not sure..

We only see my step kids every other weekend and half every holiday and those days are always extremely intense!!

I really struggle because it seems these strangers (even though their not), come into my house, take the piss and leave again.

While they are here, I stay out of the way because I can't discipline them they are teens.

However if they lived here, there dad would be a lot less "disney" and they'd have to follow our house rules - they have zero rules at their mums house. So although they'd be here more, I'd actually be able to manage the household.

Whereas now every 2 weekends my house is a dump, I loose my DP to his kids and feel shoved out of my own home. 🙄🙄

But it's not for long so...

Oh and I also have my own 2 children that live with us full time and I'm pregnant!

@Veeveeoxox

Thank you for this post whenever me and OH are having troubles I sometimes fantasise about leaving. The step parenting boards never fail to make me think clearly . The thought of my DD who existed first , being treated like an interloper and unwelcome by some witch makes me want to always work on my marriage .

In all seriousness though, in the situation I've described, what difference does it make to your DD if her dad's wife left? She'd still be living with and being parented by her Dad, his wife and her leaving is irrelevant. She doesn't have to stay to parent your DD, providing your husband did that is the most important thing isn't it?

My step children currently live with me 50% of the week, I have never complained about that nor would I. I have never attempted to lessen that or make them feel unwelcome. Me saying here that I wouldn't want that to change to 100% of the time hardly makes me a witch.

However if they lived here, there dad would be a lot less "disney" and they'd have to follow our house rules - they have zero rules at their mums house. So although they'd be here more, I'd actually be able to manage the household.

Or it would just be like that 100% of the time instead of EOW. But obviously then you couldn't leave if that made you unhappy because you chose to marry him so you are of course obliged to stay for the rest of your life... Obviously.

[quote Mumoblue]@Magda72
As mentioned above, that was a joke. He doesn’t have a stepmother. And my attitude is fine, thanks. 👍 Please don’t speak on my sons situation with his non resident parent, as you’ve no idea.[/quote]
Oh yeah hilarious. I feel sorry for anyone who has to get involved in your family if you think that's a joke.

Or it would just be like that 100% of the time instead of EOW. But obviously then you couldn't leave if that made you unhappy because you chose to marry him so you are of course obliged to stay for the rest of your life... Obviously.

It's weird advice to stay regardless, a expectation to stay from first families considering the reason the second family was created was because the first split.

Odd, like my marriage didn't work so this one SM your chained to him till death do you part.

Am I the only one seeing this as ironic.

@Getyourarseofffthequattro

That’s fine 🤷‍♀️
The OP seemed to understand the point I was making (aka “don’t want your step kids full time?! You’re cruel! Want your step kids full time?! You’re trying to replace their mum!”).
I think it’s important that both step parents and ex partners can be honest about the reality of sharing a kid, which is that sometimes it’s a hard line to walk. You can feel however you like about it. I’m actually optimistic about my son getting a stepmother.