It would ruin my relationship if my step children ever lived with us

[PickledOnionsOnToast]

I just had to say that.

Does anyone else feel that way?

I don't think about it often but when I do I genuinely can't envisage ever wanting to stay in my marriage if my step children had to come and live with us full time.

I could honestly not be doing with being "mum" to both my DC and my SC and all that entails and I doubt very much I would ever be happy with the situation.

Let's hope it does not happen because the position your DP would be in - is so appalling and morally wrong - it really makes me cringe.

Am sure it can work out wonderfully for some... It was a disaster for all our children, for DH & for me... Despite not rushing anything, talking everything through, trying to think of the implications of everything/trying to look after all of them - our DC's all knew each other... Twenty years later - only one child out of five has a relationship with both of us as a couple. All our 'efforts'/motives/actions were viewed negatively/with suspicion by each other's DC's eventually. Am sure we DID get much wrong - but they were all very loved and looked after (we thought) but NOTHING was right for any of them or us... It was like being in a permanent state of being surrounded by people who think you're rubbish... Not what we envisaged of course, and I wish we'd never ever have moved in together - not for ONE day...

@PickledOnionsOnToast

I can't understand how people can be so cruel

What is cruel about it? It's not cruel to say you wouldn't want to live with someone. Nor have I said anywhere that I'd be unkind to anyone.

It is cruel to think of your step children as a horrible burden that would break up your marriage, it is cruel to potentially put your husband in a position that he would have to choose between his children. You knew when you got with him that he had kids, that means there is always a possibility for his children to live with him full time.

These 'someones' are your husband's children, who I hope he really demostrates his love and affection for, they're not random strangers you are talking about!

People can be unwelcoming and unkind in their actions and attitutes not just in their words.

Maybe it just me, but I come from a culture that see's children as blessings and not as burdens. Also we would have large families, with multi generations living together and looking after the 'familys' children was shared by all. If any was orphaned there was no question that the uncle's/aunts would take them in.

That's my cultural background so I suppose I can't relate to this idea of thinking that children would be burdens.

@uneffingbelievable

Let's hope it does not happen because the position your DP would be in - is so appalling and morally wrong - it really makes me cringe.

What position?

I assume you're thinking it would be a choice that I would literally put to him of SC don't move in or I leave?

No, that wouldn't happen. My husband would do, with my support and encouragement, whatever his children needed. But yes I would then leave if that situation made me unhappy.

It is cruel to think of your step children as a horrible burden that would break up your marriage

We'll have to agree to disagree. I don't believe saying you would struggle (or find it a burden whichever you want to say) to suddenly have to be a full time parent to two children who aren't your own (the fact they are my husband's children and not a stranger's is irrelevant) is cruel. Just factual.

I'm not here to be all nicey nice and pretend like I don't have any actual feelings about anything for the sake of the children. I'm just here to be honest about how I would feel in that situation. It's allowed.

I love my SD and would be happy for her to live with us full time. Both she and my DCs live with us 50% though. My DH and I don’t have shared children so that maybe makes a difference. I like my child free time (a lot) so I guess I’d miss that, but that’s not specific to my SD.

but that’s not specific to my SD

It's nothing specific about my SC either. They are lovely children. But I just don't want to live with them 100% of the time. It wouldn't matter who they were, it's nothing specific about them. I do not want two more children in my life 100% of the time.

I don’t blame you for feeling that way OP.

Which is why having a child or children is a complete deal-breaker in a potential partner for me.

I find these threads boggling.

@LoveGrooveDanceParty

I don’t blame you for feeling that way OP.

Which is why having a child or children is a complete deal-breaker in a potential partner for me.

I find these threads boggling.

It would be for me now too. I wouldn't call it a mistake, I love my husband and I love our life how it is now. But I wouldn't do it again knowing how I feel now.

One of the silliest comments on here is that OP shouldn’t have had DC with him if she wouldn’t want his full term. She wasn’t a parent until she had her own. At the point that she had her own to care for, be responsible for, she had much less time and energy. That’s what happens. At that point the reality of her own plus her DH’s full time will have hit home in a different way. Perfectly normal.

As most will agree, parenting can be hard, step parenting can be a whole other ballgame. And you don’t know the difference till you have your own if you became a step parent first.

Really you shouldn't have married and had children with a man with existing children if this was the case.

This is always going to be a possibility. Especially as the Dc age it might end up being more convenient for them to spend more time at their dad's. They should always feel welcome and know they have a home there.

You are putting your DH in a shitty position. Okay you say you wouldn't make him choose but you are making him choose. If one of his DCs asks to live with him full-time and he knows you will leave, what does he say. No, which is shitty to his older Dc. Yes, which is splitting up the parents of his younger DC.

Sorry, but I think you should have thought of this before you had DC. Hour DH has DC qnd unfortunately there's a reasonable chance that they might end up living with you full time, and you've had DC with a man knowing you would leave in that scenario?

The fact they are your husbands children is not irrelevant. They are the children of the person you have chosen to spend your life with, someone you love and existed when you made that choice. My nephews are not the same as strangers children are they?

@uneffingbelievable someone excising the right to leave if a situation makes them unhappy makes you cringe 🤯 ? Aren't you always on here advocating for just that if SM is unhappy.

@bubbleblower85 I don't think OP is suggesting that at all tbh, she's not mentioned the SC being a burden. She's saying that she has x amount of capacity, and would have to contemplate leaving if that capacity was reached as it would make her unhappy.

Children are blessings given to the parents that created them. However resources are not unlimited and people have limits.
The maternal death element is a interesting one because a lot of blended families have two women playing a split divide mothering elements and time wise towards children, in which they may have different styles approaches which causes conflict between the parental roles but also the children

It works when the whole village approach is there same but it rarely if the village has different attitudes of what is acceptable. Maternal death removes this conflict.

I'm not a step parent but my bf of over 3yrs has a child. We don't live together and I honestly don't ever want to live with a child who isn't mine. I get on with his dc fine but have absolutely no bond of any kind and no desire to build one. I'm not sure why because in theory, I think kids are great but I've never really been around them (except mine). Anyway, in short, I can see where you're coming from.

But OP you would make him choose -
keep his wife and some of his DCs - abandon 2 DCS ( irreparable damage to 2 DCS)
Attempt to keep all his DCS and then lose wife and 2 DCs. ( irreparable damage to 2DCS and damage to two others)

There is no good solution for him, the emotional damage to either set of DCs he effectively abandons and that is how they would view it would be immense.

It is morally wrong

@bubbleblower85 that might be your cultural background, but it’s still not blended families - where the children have another family and a mother who is often antagonistic to some degree at being usurped.

Children are a burden. That’s true in any kind of family. In a first family that burden is balanced out with joy in ways that is often much harder to find in a blended family. Not because they’re full of horrible mean people, but because the dynamics are often hugely complex and difficult in ways you clearly cannot imagine.

The OP is not a terrible person for feeling that she would be forced to leave if her SC’s mother died and they came to live with her father permanently. The whole situation would probably take its toll on the children who weren’t bereaved in all sorts of ways. So the PP trying to guilt trip the OP over it are not necessarily right that they’ll be annoyed she didn’t stay and support their half siblings. Given the difficulty of that kind of situation, they may well feel thankful their mother left so that they could have a home that wasn’t dominated by the fallout of their half siblings’ bereavement.

Maybe stop to actually consider the situations you are commenting on - which are complex - before weighing in with moralising stuff about your (superior) cultural background.

@AnneLovesGilbert

One of the silliest comments on here is that OP shouldn’t have had DC with him if she wouldn’t want his full term. She wasn’t a parent until she had her own. At the point that she had her own to care for, be responsible for, she had much less time and energy. That’s what happens. At that point the reality of her own plus her DH’s full time will have hit home in a different way. Perfectly normal.

As most will agree, parenting can be hard, step parenting can be a whole other ballgame. And you don’t know the difference till you have your own if you became a step parent first.

It’s not silly at all.

Too many people go into these situations with their eyes clamped shut. And then the chickens come home to roost.

You don’t need searing insight or a crystal ball to know that living with children who aren’t your own is going to be challenging. You don’t need to be a parent yourself to know this.

More people need to question the reality of this before going into it. It would benefit everyone - not least the children themselves.

@uneffingbelievable

But OP you would make him choose - keep his wife and some of his DCs - abandon 2 DCS ( irreparable damage to 2 DCS) Attempt to keep all his DCS and then lose wife and 2 DCs. ( irreparable damage to 2DCS and damage to two others)

There is no good solution for him, the emotional damage to either set of DCs he effectively abandons and that is how they would view it would be immense.

It is morally wrong

No I'm sorry your choosing to ignore the very glaring point.

This post wasn't about SC or OPs DH, it's about OPS limits and acknowledging them and her walking away if she chooses too.

Exercising her right to choose, period.

Anyone is entitled to leave a relationship for whatever reason they want. Her DH can disagree with her until the cows come home but that until locking someone in your basement indefinitely is no longer frowned upon she had the right to walk, as does he. At any point.

@uneffingbelievable

But OP you would make him choose - keep his wife and some of his DCs - abandon 2 DCS ( irreparable damage to 2 DCS) Attempt to keep all his DCS and then lose wife and 2 DCs. ( irreparable damage to 2DCS and damage to two others)

There is no good solution for him, the emotional damage to either set of DCs he effectively abandons and that is how they would view it would be immense.

It is morally wrong

It is NOT morally wrong to protect yourself in a situation like this. The fact that you cannot see beyond how the husband might feel is really telling here.

She wouldn’t be asking him to choose at all. She’d be making the choice herself on the basis that the situation was intolerable for her and making her miserable.

Her husband can still have a relationship with all her children. But no one should ever be guilt tripped into staying in a relationship that’s making them miserable.

You also fail to grasp that she may well be acting in her children’s best interests. Because living in a house dominated by everyone feeling they must compensate their half siblings for the loss of their mother could get hugely detrimental to the OP’s children. Let’s face it, in many blended families - especially ones already marked by divorced dad guilt - the bereavement may well only amplify a whole set of tendencies and problems that put the resident children at the bottom of the list. Them all being resident but some of them being bereaved could very easily be awful for the non-bereaved children. Especially since (as this thread shows) the entire world will treat the bereaved children like they are made of glass (and just assume the other children should just be grateful they have a mother).

It is morally wrong to pretend the situation is simple. Or to vilify someone who chooses not to stay in very difficult circumstances.

[quote BeyondOurReef]@bubbleblower85 that might be your cultural background, but it’s still not blended families - where the children have another family and a mother who is often antagonistic to some degree at being usurped.

Children are a burden. That’s true in any kind of family. In a first family that burden is balanced out with joy in ways that is often much harder to find in a blended family. Not because they’re full of horrible mean people, but because the dynamics are often hugely complex and difficult in ways you clearly cannot imagine.

The OP is not a terrible person for feeling that she would be forced to leave if her SC’s mother died and they came to live with her father permanently. The whole situation would probably take its toll on the children who weren’t bereaved in all sorts of ways. So the PP trying to guilt trip the OP over it are not necessarily right that they’ll be annoyed she didn’t stay and support their half siblings. Given the difficulty of that kind of situation, they may well feel thankful their mother left so that they could have a home that wasn’t dominated by the fallout of their half siblings’ bereavement.

Maybe stop to actually consider the situations you are commenting on - which are complex - before weighing in with moralising stuff about your (superior) cultural background.[/quote]
Can it with your condensing and patronising attitude!

How the hell do you know that this is a situation I can't imagine? You don't know a thing about me.

Maybe the women and men who willing partner up with people who have kids, but don't want anything do with said kids/want to keep them at arms length need to do "stop and actually consider the situation...which is complex" before they put themselves in this situation!

It is a moral issue, potentially creating a situation in which a person has to choose between their kids!

And your snarky comment about a culture that believes children are blessings is beyond pathetic.

Plus it’s not a choosing between his kids situation. It’s a woman choosing for herself rather than martyring herself to her husband.

She is very clear that she would never be asking him to choose. She’s be choosing for herself. And he just has to live with that.

It is abhorrent that anyone would guilt trip someone into remaining in a living situation that they find intolerable.

@PickledOnionsOnToast
I understand what you’re saying now. Before you got married/ had children with him you imagined that he might take a more active role, but now you see that you’d most likely be doing the majority of parenting for all of them. Yep, mistake lots of us make, can’t blame you for that. I’m a step on and am very clear that I don’t want young step children in any future live in relationship. Benefit of hindsight and all that!

@PickledOnionsOnToast

Oddly no. I'm not quite sure how to explain it but it would feel like a complete take over of my home, in a situation where I was also having to take on more responsibility, I would feel pulled away from my own DC and I do not have any desire to spend any energy mothering DC who aren't mine taking that time and energy away from them. It seems like the one situation that would be insurmountable for me.

I am not yet a step-mum, but one in the making as my partner and I plan to live together and are slowly blending our families. I can only envisage a tragic or traumatic situation leading to him having full custody (it’s 50:50 now) but I would 100% not leave the relationship if he did.

What stands out to me is that you don’t want to take away time and energy from your biological children. As someone who always wanted to adopt and who, as a teacher, has always highly valued being a positive/instrumental person in the lives of children who are not biologically mine, I don’t recognise that feeling. However, I don’t think you are by any means alone, wrong or unusual to feel that way.

If you now say all cultures believe children are blessings then why the need to be snarky about my cultural background?

And no, just because I don't have your negative attitude towards step children and blended families doesn't mean I don't know what I am talking about.
Your blended family might have not have worked but that doesn't apply to all. It's narrow minded to think your experience is the only experience there is, and thinking any one who isn't negative about step children and blended family is smug says a lot about you.

And you are doing quite a bit of smug moralising yourself.