AIBU to not want to spend this time with his children?

[DontWantToThanks]

My husband has mentioned a couple of times asking someone to look after our baby (10 months) one weekend afternoon and night when we have his older children with us so we can spend some time with them without baby, take them out somewhere or something.

AIBU to say no? Honestly as mean as it probably sounds I have no desire to have someone take DS just so I can go out with DSC.

He absolutely can take them out anywhere he likes but I don't want to send my son away just so I can go along too.

He doesn't see the problem (we have asked people to have DS a few times overnight before but that was when we were completely childfree), I don't see the point if we have the children with us anyway, I'd rather DS was with me.

Yanbu @DontWantToThanks. I would not do this at all.

Can I ask (sorry if I've missed it), but is there a chance he's asking you because he finds doing this stuff with his own children boring? I find it very telling that the SC haven’t asked for this, he has.

This isn’t about the kids, bluntly they will love the 121 time with their dad. This is about him.

@lulujuju

This thread is so depressing. Don't marry a man with children if you don't want to spend time with them FFS.

You’ve quoted nearly every single step mum bingo comment! You claim to be a step mum, I call BS!

You are not being ugly by stating and owning your particular truth. What comes with the statement of your truth should be the willingness to accept your partner's equality truthful reaction and response.

The outcome or consequences that come with and from the statement of your truth may not be the outcomes or consequences that you like or expect, but as adults we all know that our partners may or may not agree with or share our perspectives. That is both the blessing and the risk involved in honesty in a relationship.

Correction: equally truthful.

He needs to accept that they’re there primarily to see HIM - not YOU and him, and not you, him & baby. His priorities are weird.

This thread is so depressing. Don't marry a man with children if you don't want to spend time with them FFS.
@lulujuju NOWHERE on this thread has op said she doesn't want to spend time with sc. She has REPEATEDLY said the sc are with them half the week and she sees them then.
What she HAS said is that she doesn't want to get a babysitter or give up time with her (still very young) son in order to spend MORE time with the sc!

Like most mums her time with her baby is precious as is her me time.
Furthermore she is happily encouraging 1-1 time with their dad which on here in THE NO 1 THING all mothers of first children bang on about the dc needing when a half sibling comes along!
Ffs - WHEN are people going to actually start reading threads instead of just jumping down the throats of every sm who posts? And WHEN are people going to stop criticising every single thing sms do, especially when on one thread they'd be 'yelling' at X sm to do exactly what they are criticising Y sm for doing on a different thread!
Sms just CANNOT win on here & this thread is a perfect example of double standards.

@lulujuju

This thread is so depressing. Don't marry a man with children if you don't want to spend time with them FFS.

OP does spend time with them (FFS)

@DreadingChristmasAlready I have been a step mum for 13 years and I have a toddler so I know how important it is to make my DSS feel included and that involves spending time with him without my DD there.
Again, don't get involved with a man with children if you aren't willing to put in the effort.

[quote lulujuju]@DreadingChristmasAlready I have been a step mum for 13 years and I have a toddler so I know how important it is to make my DSS feel included and that involves spending time with him without my DD there.
Again, don't get involved with a man with children if you aren't willing to put in the effort. [/quote]
My step kids are absolutely fine with out me having to ditch my own child to spend time with them.

@Magda72 of course that's what she is saying. She has said in her OP that she doesn't want to spend time with them and give up time with her DS!
Clearly this board is used by pissed off step mums to make themselves feel better about their treatment of their step children. Where is the empathy for the children on this thread.

@cowburp how do you know that? And the OP isn't "ditching" her child, I assume they would be looked after by a trusted family member...

[quote lulujuju]@cowburp how do you know that? And the OP isn't "ditching" her child, I assume they would be looked after by a trusted family member...
[/quote]
OP isn't ditching her stepchildren, I assume they would be going out with a trusted family member (their Dad).

[quote lulujuju]@cowburp how do you know that? And the OP isn't "ditching" her child, I assume they would be looked after by a trusted family member...
[/quote]
How do you know yours feel included and don't feel like..why do we always have to spend time with @lulujuju?

[quote lulujuju]@cowburp how do you know that? And the OP isn't "ditching" her child, I assume they would be looked after by a trusted family member...
[/quote]
Explain that to a 10 month who just wants their parents.

Where is the empathy for the children on this thread

The empathy for what exactly? Why does this equal poor treatment of a stepchild to you?

They get lots of quality time with their father, arguably the most important thing, and they haven't even asked OP to go anywhere with them.

You're making out like these kids have begged her to go somewhere specific with them and she's turned around and spat 'God no I'm not going there with YOU'. They probably aren't even aware that this vague suggestion by their Dad has even been made.

@lulujuju there is plenty of empathy for ‘children’ on these threads/ this thread/ this board.

What I would like to point out is that this is something the husband has asked. Not the children. For all we know the right amount of ‘empathy’ for the children is continuing to let them have focussed 121 time with their father. Especially (as @Magda72 has rightfully pointed out), this is the number piece of advice given to SM’s on here when a half sibling arrives.

There are also an astounding amount of parents (men in the main on these boards) who are putting unreasonable expectations on current wives/ partners/ families for their children. I don’t think it’s in anyway reasonable for the OP’s DH to ask his wife to leave their child with a babysitter so she can go out with him and his children - especially since the children haven’t asked for this. The blunt reality is that there are far too many men who find the reality of contact time hard work/ tedious/ not as enjoyable as they would like. Therefore, if they can, they will try and manoeuvre situations such that their needs are met (but they pretend it’s about the children). In reality, they want some adult company/ another pair of hands to help out.

Also, having ‘empathy’ for someone/ a situation should not come at the cost of ignoring your own needs. In actual fact you could say this SM has plenty of empathy for her husbands children given he does plenty of 121 with them, leaving her (quite literally) holding the baby.

Time and again on here, SM’s are meant to be some sort of martyrs. Where’s the OP’s downtime? If I was going to book/ pay/ and leave my 10 month old with a babysitter, I would want adult company. A lie in. A massage. Something for me. I’ll be damned if I’m leaving my own child with a babysitter to then spend time with someone else’s children!

The person who needs more empathy in this situation (once again) is the man. He has a wife to a small baby (that is the very definition of exhausting.) a wife and baby who have to share his time/ attention with another set of children. Think that’s a walk in the park?

Tbh I think he’s a prize bellend. Once again these men and their inability to parent/ spend time with their children alone, makes me wonder why so many of them bother. Instead they try and push the work onto the new woman in their lives and when those women are frustrated by the unreasonable demands and come on here, they’re met with a torrent of very myopic advice, designed to make them feel bad for feeling the way they do.

When I’m actual fact, it is perfectly natural that a mother to a young child will not want to leave her baby with someone to spend time with someone else’s child. End of.

@FleaBagLarry

Where is the empathy for the children on this thread

The empathy for what exactly? Why does this equal poor treatment of a stepchild to you?

They get lots of quality time with their father, arguably the most important thing, and they haven't even asked OP to go anywhere with them.

You're making out like these kids have begged her to go somewhere specific with them and she's turned around and spat 'God no I'm not going there with YOU'. They probably aren't even aware that this vague suggestion by their Dad has even been made.

This. It's so ironic to talk of empathy when you are constantly looking for ways to paint a SM as mistreating her SK and call her selfish, no matter how much the thing in question would cost her and no matter how bothered or unbothered the SK actually are.

I know what is required to make my DSS feel included and frankly it has fuck all to do with me and DP both spending time with him without DD there. This isn't something he's ever mentioned, ever, and if we did do it he would probably just be asking where DD was.

By "have empathy" for the SC it's very clear people mean dance around them making sacrifice after sacrifice just in case they MIGHT have a bad feeling about something, always assume they do and that you need to go to any lengths to prevent the imaginary upset, or be called selfish and that you should never have got involved. It's very clear that what it doesn't mean is "pay attention to their actual needs and weigh them up against your own in terms of seriousness."

There is a lack of empathy, but it is coming from the people looking at unbothered SC next to a tired new mum in need of some rest and concluding she's not doing enough and should be chastised.

Oh, the irony...

@lulujuju I'm not a sm, let alone a 'pissed off one' - I'm a dm & I know that while my dc love their sm & love spending time with her & their half siblings they love more the times they get to go away or do something more grown up with just their dad.
You are wilfully misinterpreting what op has said to suit your own agenda whatever that may be.

Does he take them out for the day by himself?

I'm just wondering if this is really let's have some time just with my kids or if it's you need to come to make it easier for me.

I think the dad can't be arsed looking after them by himself so he's expecting you to tag along. Don't do it. Expecting you to send your baby to a babysitter for this reason is just a bit bizarre.

If the OP didn't have am issue with it she wouldn't be posting about it but she does and doesn't want to participate. Her dp is in the wrong to push it further. She doesn't have to participate either if she doesn't want to. I have an adult son with a landmark birthday and also have a baby with new dp we're booked to go to a fancy restaurant to celebrate I could take baby but I prefer to not take him so I can enjoy myself with my older son. If my DP said he would rather look after the baby instead of him going to nanny's meaning dp couldn't join for dinner I wouldn't be bothered or think he hated my older child at all. I'd go and enjoy the time 121 with my older child. This is no different. The same with my dsd if dp wanted to take her to an activity that didn't include baby id encourage him to go solo with her. Child free time and babysitting opportunities are few and far between so I wouldn't want to waste one either. The OP said the baby is 10 months so I would assume she's also coming to the end of mat leave or back at work which makes the time at weekends even more precious. If op and partner split up she wouldn't see the kids again they come to see their dad and spend time with their dad. They will still see op and can come back and tell her all about what fun they had on their time with dad. If my childrens step mother doesn't join them and their dad on an activity I don't thibk oh she must hate them I think oh they actually got some time alone with their dad that's nice. I don't really see why people are making this an issue 🙄

I've just shown this thread to my 19 yo son who's home from uni for the weekend & he's actually sat here eye rolling & laughing at the apparent neglect of and lack of empathy shown to these dc by their sm!
"Do these women not get that the op is a new mother & is going to want to spend time with her baby or resting, especially as she sees the sdc during the week anyway & sdc get that & she's actually showing a lot of respect by encouraging the dad spend some time alone with his other dc?" - his exact words.
His own sm often left them to their own devices with their df as she has two smallies, yet he still has a really good relationship with her. (despite this neglect ). For eg. he sat down last weekend & had a glass of wine with her while his df was out with friends.
Again, the hand wringing & lamentations on this thread are just ridiculous to anyone with an ounce of common sense.

Ffs - WHEN are people going to actually start reading threads instead of just jumping down the throats of every sm who posts? And WHEN are people going to stop criticising every single thing sms do, especially when on one thread they'd be 'yelling' at X sm to do exactly what they are criticising Y sm for doing on a different thread!

AMEN @Magda72.

OP has repeatedly said she spends loads of time with her SCs, yet people are continuing to blindly accuse her of not doing this.

If she had posted that she felt it was important that she attended things with SCs and had offered to get a sitter for their baby, people would say she was inserting herself and that SCs would prefer time with their own dad without her around.

Just unbelievable the amount of shit SMs get on this board, no matter what they do. There is no angle where you can win - something is always wrong.

Absolutely. If op had suggested this, she'd get accused of trying to be their mum. Stepping on mums toes. Told that they need to spend every weekend alone with their dad.

It's ridiculous.