AIBU to not want to spend this time with his children?

[DontWantToThanks]

My husband has mentioned a couple of times asking someone to look after our baby (10 months) one weekend afternoon and night when we have his older children with us so we can spend some time with them without baby, take them out somewhere or something.

AIBU to say no? Honestly as mean as it probably sounds I have no desire to have someone take DS just so I can go out with DSC.

He absolutely can take them out anywhere he likes but I don't want to send my son away just so I can go along too.

He doesn't see the problem (we have asked people to have DS a few times overnight before but that was when we were completely childfree), I don't see the point if we have the children with us anyway, I'd rather DS was with me.

@FleaBagLarry I think you've hit the nail on the head there. OP gets very limited child free time. Why would she want to give it up.

@DontWantToThanks

I’m slightly puzzled as to why it was okay to have a babysitter before, but unreasonable now

The difference for me is that the times he's been away before we've been childfree, we've been able to use that time to do things for ourselves and not be "parents" constantly. To be fair I've mainly used it to soak in the bath or sleep because those things don't happen as often these days ha.

The idea of using that time to just go out and do children's activities anyway and still not get any time to myself is not how I'd choose to spend it. And I would feel unable to ask it again of family any time soon. Hence the feeling of it being a 'waste'.

Completely understand and agree!!

@OnlyFoolsnMothers

Selfish maybe but understandable when you're knackered and burnt out with a baby, that time to yourself is like gold dust understandable yes- but OP has step children, part of a larger blended family. Don’t think of it as a break, you are doing stuff as a step parent, and you can still ask for a break ie. husband takes the baby and step kids out one afternoon.

Unless it was something the SC had specifically said they were struggling with or was really important to them, I don't believe their need for days with dad and SM without the baby is anywhere close to as big as a new mother's need for time to herself, and as such it would not be a priority. As has been said, I wouldn't even view this as a pressing need in any family.

@lulujuju

You are being massively unreasonable, you could go along and actually have fun you know. It's one day or evening occasionally, maybe they miss spending time with you and their dad without the baby there... I have a teen DSS and toddler daughter and spending time with my DSS with just him is so important to me.

Tough they'll just have to get used to OP having different priorities now.

And there is lots of talk of OP being a step parent and so just having to do X or Y.

I actually think the far greater sacrifice she is making for the sake of her blended family is likely taking on all of the childcare for their joint baby whilst DH goes for these regular 1:1 outings with DSC. That is doing something for the DSC and for her DH, by allowing him to have that time with his older children whilst she takes on their shared child alone and I can't see she's complained about that once actually. It's completely overlooked and under appreciated though because she doesn't want to do more to make her husband/DSC happy at her own detriment.

How about her husband be grateful he has a wife who takes on that burden what sounds quite regularly so he can go off and have quality time with his older kids.

I actually think the far greater sacrifice she is making for the sake of her blended family is likely taking on all of the childcare for their joint baby whilst DH goes for these regular 1:1 outings with DSC I agree. This is the 'sacrifice' I make having a baby with a man with children from a previous relationship. We discussed it before baby was here and was happy to do more when the DSC are here in exchange for not being expected to do a single thing for them.

@DreadingChristmasAlready

OP here come the ‘you should sell your own child for the sake of the DSC brigade’!

Of course you’re not unreasonable.

Love this 😂😂

No I don't think your being unreasonable.
My step kids are not one bit interested in seeing me when they come. I use it to have some nice me-time especially if my own children are not around.

We do family stuff together, but one of the step children cannot handle being in a "family" and always has an attitude when we are all together - I just stay out of the way until they are back with their mum.

Seems fine here..

@FleaBagLarry

And there is lots of talk of OP being a step parent and so just having to do X or Y.

I actually think the far greater sacrifice she is making for the sake of her blended family is likely taking on all of the childcare for their joint baby whilst DH goes for these regular 1:1 outings with DSC. That is doing something for the DSC and for her DH, by allowing him to have that time with his older children whilst she takes on their shared child alone and I can't see she's complained about that once actually. It's completely overlooked and under appreciated though because she doesn't want to do more to make her husband/DSC happy at her own detriment.

How about her husband be grateful he has a wife who takes on that burden what sounds quite regularly so he can go off and have quality time with his older kids.

Completely agree and I thought the same. It sounds like OP is already more generous than I am in terms of letting her DH off the hook when it comes to doing his equal share with their child, because he has his older kids there. It's already a pretty sizeable sacrifice.

Okay so if you and your husband split up and you get a new boyfriend you would not expect him to do anything with you and your DS unless you have a child together and then that's okay. You should have just found someone without kids it would have been way easier. To anyone saying she should have the time to herself for a bath and stuff if she has free time. Surely your DH can give you that free time if needed. This is simply those kids not being important enough to spend time with at the expense of asking family to babysit. It feels like a waste and that speaks volumes.

I wouldn't hand over my child to someone else (family member or not) just so I can spend more time with DSC😂 I genuinely wouldn't be interested. However this is why I'd never date a man with a child/children!

@tootiredtospeak

Okay so if you and your husband split up and you get a new boyfriend you would not expect him to do anything with you and your DS unless you have a child together and then that's okay. You should have just found someone without kids it would have been way easier. To anyone saying she should have the time to herself for a bath and stuff if she has free time. Surely your DH can give you that free time if needed. This is simply those kids not being important enough to spend time with at the expense of asking family to babysit. It feels like a waste and that speaks volumes.

No, you've got what people are saying totally backwards.

If I had was seperated and got a new DP I would expect him to have less of an issue with spending a day with me and DD when the majority of his time is child free, but I would in no way put pressure on him to prioritise that when he is 10 months in to looking after his own baby (probably as the primary carer taking on the bulk of the work day in day out with said joint child, to be a more exact comparison.)

We're not talking about a nice bath while DH deals with the baby in the shared household, then back to it, either, we're talking about a full day and night where the baby is in another house being cared for by someone else, no listening out for the baby monitor and doing child based activities, just actual headspace. It's an entirely different experience and doesn't always come around very often.

“Nice suggestion but I don’t fancy doing that”, is all you need to say. End of conversation.

Selfish maybe but understandable when you're knackered and burnt out with a baby, that time to yourself is like gold dust

understandable yes- but OP has step children, part of a larger blended family. Don’t think of it as a break, you are doing stuff as a step parent, and you can still ask for a break ie. husband takes the baby and step kids out one afternoon

OP has stepchildren so she shouldn’t be able to choose to spend time to herself when her baby is with grandparents? Are you serious?
Since when was that a rule?

Not a chance in hell.

You either do something with ALL the children or he takes his DC out alone.

No way would I be sending my own child to a babysitter so his DC can have full attention.

@tootiredtospeak

Okay so if you and your husband split up and you get a new boyfriend you would not expect him to do anything with you and your DS unless you have a child together and then that's okay. You should have just found someone without kids it would have been way easier. To anyone saying she should have the time to herself for a bath and stuff if she has free time. Surely your DH can give you that free time if needed. This is simply those kids not being important enough to spend time with at the expense of asking family to babysit. It feels like a waste and that speaks volumes.

Literally what are you talking about?

Okay so if you and your husband split up and you get a new boyfriend you would not expect him to do anything with you and your DS unless you have a child together and then that's okay

If this were me, and I had a child with said new boyfriend I'd expect us to do things all together, It'd also be great if he, like OP does for her DH, looked after our child sometimes so I could spend some time with my older child alone too. What I wouldn't expect is him to ask his family to babysit our baby so that we could all go out together, no. I think it's quite an odd request personally especially as it's not for a specific event or a request from DSC.

And if we're doing a likely direct comparison, I certainly wouldn't expect it from him if he was tired from likely looking after a 10 month old baby solo and desperate for a break, one which he wouldn't get again for some time. No, I wouldn't think badly of him at all for thinking he'd rather spend that precious time having a break than going out with my older child. Especially if the same man allowed me to regularly take out my other child for quality time meaning he was left alone with our baby even more. In fact I'd probably think leave the poor fucking bloke alone if anyone did try and pressure him into thinking be should be jumping for joy at the idea of doing yet more kid stuff on his only time off from our baby!

This is one of those moments where I think I’m out of synch with the majority of mumsnet. I think this is a lovely thing to do for everyone involved. I have kids and step kids with a big gap so I’m speaking from experience.

@ineedsun

This is one of those moments where I think I’m out of synch with the majority of mumsnet. I think this is a lovely thing to do for everyone involved. I have kids and step kids with a big gap so I’m speaking from experience.

I guess it depends on the person and how they are feeling at the time.

If you asked me now I'd probably quite like the idea. If you had asked me when I had a very young baby, I was knackered most of the time and just looking forward to being able to wash my hair properly and face plant my pillow when anyone offered to watch the baby for me. The absolute LAST thing id have wanted to do when I felt like that and needed the break was go out to a cinema or bowling or whatever else is being suggested. Knowing full well you're not going to get the opportunity to have that free time again for a while either because it's back to the drudge the next day and now you can't (or feel like you can't) ask for help again for a while. Nope, absolutely hideous.

@ineedsun

This is one of those moments where I think I’m out of synch with the majority of mumsnet. I think this is a lovely thing to do for everyone involved. I have kids and step kids with a big gap so I’m speaking from experience.

OP doesn't want to though.

I see that she doesn’t want to, and obviously she can say no if she doesn’t want to go. I just don’t understand it and given that lots of other people have expressed how they’d feel about the situation, I though I would too.

OP, it's weird that your husband would think you'd be interested in his kids, when you've got your own baby.
I wouldn't be sending my baby to someone else to go out with kids who aren't mine. Crazy

@Toooldforthis2021 what?! Weird that her husband expects her to be interested in his children? Of course she should be!

This thread is so depressing. Don't marry a man with children if you don't want to spend time with them FFS.

@lulujuju

This thread is so depressing. Don't marry a man with children if you don't want to spend time with them FFS.

Thanks for your expertise.

I'd probably do it once or twice while encouraging the children's father to do thing with them alone frequently. Definitely wouldn't use regular babysitting credit on it though when that could otherwise be used for child free time. Also encourage dp to take baby and older kids out occasionally. A bit of variety is good!