AIBU to not want to spend this time with his children?

[DontWantToThanks]

My husband has mentioned a couple of times asking someone to look after our baby (10 months) one weekend afternoon and night when we have his older children with us so we can spend some time with them without baby, take them out somewhere or something.

AIBU to say no? Honestly as mean as it probably sounds I have no desire to have someone take DS just so I can go out with DSC.

He absolutely can take them out anywhere he likes but I don't want to send my son away just so I can go along too.

He doesn't see the problem (we have asked people to have DS a few times overnight before but that was when we were completely childfree), I don't see the point if we have the children with us anyway, I'd rather DS was with me.

@Magda72 I know it baffles me in regularly non divorced families one parent takes the kids without the other parent and the need for a babysitter.

It was not long ago there was a thread here where a stepmother had booked and planned a day out on a non contact day with hers and dps child with her family. Dp and ex wife then changed the contact to the day of this activity and everyone was banging on to the stepmother that she shouldn't go out without the stepchildren and how dare she treat her child different. Now here we are the other way round and she should immediately dump her child in favour of the stepchildren. No wonder there arw so many entitled people in the world with attitudes like this.

@Vie8126 Yep and also if OP was mum to all of the kids and her DH had suggested this and she'd gone "Na let's not, seems like a waste of a babysitter, let's save it for when we really need one since it's not easy for us to get baby looked after", it wouldn't even be an issue at all, since the older children are still perfectly able to go out and do things with their dad OR OP.

But because she's an SM it has to mean so much more than that and all horrible intentions and damage to the children must be involved.

In fact, the only reason OP has probably felt the need to post about it on here is because the whole SM/blended family element brings so much guilt and confusion and judgement that you can sometimes feel you don't know which way is up.

When the reality is, all of us know our own SCs and what matters to them, and make our own judgements about what would upset them or not. OP is clearly fond of her SCs and knows this will not upset them (in the same way I'd be very confident that it wouldn't upset mine, as long as I was still spending time with them in general - which OP is).

IncompleteSenten and sunshinelover69 have it IMO. I said the same earlier but it got lost in the middle of my longer post about divide and conquer being the usual strategy in non-step, full sibling families IME.

The dad wants his new wife to parent the children from his first marriage more, so he can kick back and relax on day trips and overnights, and be Disney daddy who provides special outings without putting in the work!

The older children have not asked that their stepmum finds a babysitter for their half brother so as to help their dad take them on outings - their dad has!

I'd bet OP used to do lots of childcare for him before they had a baby together and he's put out that the babysitter he married isn't doing the lions share of the grunt work during his time with his older children any more.

Why is on every post on this board especially when setting boundaries there is always someone that posts

"For the love of god think of the children) (but for reference sake this only ever applies to SC, second child can go to hell)

And "you clearly don't love your SK" and shaming comments meant to trigger guilt.

If those posters were so concerned about SK and wanting SP to feel guilty for the break up of the first family therefore have 0 needs and be put at bottom of pile. Maybe the blame should be put at the mum and DSD who broke up the family to begin with instead of SP.

My Dd is my responsibility and her dads. It's not up to SM in her life to make up for whatever is lacking otherwise. Funnily enough though even when it's usually a DH problem somehow it becomes SM problem and the guilt lands at her door.

Dad** not DSD bloody phone

@candlelightsatdawn - has anyone asked her if she's the OW yet? 🤦🏻‍♀️

If this were my DH's request, I'd probably agree. I'd be all over a family cinema trip to see a film we all liked, for example. Baby can stay home.

But if you don't want to agree, don't agree. It would not be unreasonable to say "no thanks". It doesn't have to mean you're a wicked stepmother either.

I declined parents evening last week. I just didn't feel like it 🤷🏻‍♀️

@PeeAche still time. I don't doubt someone will ask the question 😆 even though it has no relevance.

I mean that's the point right. Your not the parent so you don't have to step up to everything. It's ok to say nope not for me dear today.

@Candlelightsatdawn oh I love 'well you knew what you was getting into' yes I knew he had children. Did I know he was a Disney dad, the ex has no bounderies/was toxic etc nope because funny enough these issues don't arise until your too far in with feelings and things or living together and then you want to put the effort in to make it work so look for advice to only be bashed down and told you must be the ow, all you must do is put the stepchildren first (regardless of yours or anyone else feelings) let his ex walk all over him and you and this week the finest even let her come into your house for the best interest of the children. Well it's just a shame the two actual parents don't ever think of the 'children' and the bullshit they regularly put them through which drives people to post here for advice and end up being made to feel like crap for not caring about another womans kids as if they were her own.

@Vie8126 it's mainly deflection. No one points the finger at mum or dad but helpful wicked stepmother narrative allows everyone to escape responsibility for those who caused the issue.It also enable the bad behaviour to continue.

The only decent advice on this board is often from stepmums who actually know what it's like or DM who are able to see the situation for what it is, you can tell when the first wives club arrives because their first questions are are you the OW ect.
It's actually fairly annoying as technically I belong to the first wives club too so I realise lumping everyone under this umbrella is unhelpful but I'm as a stepmom but the bar is so much higher for stepmoms than it is actual mums and dads. Which I think is kinda bonkers.

This poor op has only said I want to be able to say no, and people are questioning if she puts step kids under the stairs. It's bonkers and unkind.

I never shipped DD out to spend time with DH and my DSSs. DH did plenty of things alone with them. A decade later, I'd ship her off to Grannies to go out for a drink with DSSs. Neither are big things. It's just day to day living.

It sounds like people on this thread are just over analysing the situation, being dramatic and catastrophising to get at the OP. It should be as simple as OP saying she doesn't fancy it and will stay behind and looks forward to hearing about it. It's as simple as that. OPs DH should be accepting of this.

I don't have experience of blended families but it's quite sad from reading rbis. It's quite obvious you are not interested in his children as much as your own, I guess that's natural and normal, and that's life.

But sad in a way that if I ever break up with my ex I know my children's new step mum will like them but she won't love them. She won't do what's best for them, she'll do what's best for her child.

And knowing that kids will spend up to 50% time at the other house, and whatever they get at that house is not in their best interests but in the interests of the new baby there, well that's just

If I feel like some bonding with SD might be needed, I do something like bake cookies with her, or do something in the house with her for a little bit and have a nice chat with her. I don't send her smaller siblings to a babysitter, that's not necessary.

@laurenGame

I don't have experience of blended families but it's quite sad from reading rbis. It's quite obvious you are not interested in his children as much as your own, I guess that's natural and normal, and that's life.

But sad in a way that if I ever break up with my ex I know my children's new step mum will like them but she won't love them. She won't do what's best for them, she'll do what's best for her child.

And knowing that kids will spend up to 50% time at the other house, and whatever they get at that house is not in their best interests but in the interests of the new baby there, well that's just

Just because something includes the new baby, doesn't mean it's not in the SC's best interests. When a family has mixed ages I think it's normal to do activities that work for ALL the children. Actually, it may even be SC do more activities which are specifically aimed at their age groups on the days they are with their other parent. If they lived with OP full time they may end up with actually fewer days out etc specifically aimed at their age group alone, purely because they are part of a family with kinds of varying ages.

That is hypothetical, obviously. But the fact that they are there half of the time doesn't necessarily mean they get fewer experiences specifically aimed at their age group.

I do think it's odd to push a SC, SM and DP day without DC for the sake of it - however some one to one time between each pair of individuals in the house would probably be good for those relationships. It never hurts to give a little individual attention once in a while!

@laurenGame separation/divorce IS sad but the decision to split is made by parents & the decision to co parent well or badly is also made by parents. The level of blame heaped on stepparents (especially sms) on here is not justifiable.
Stepchildren will rarely be a stepparents top priority - just as they in turn will rarely be their stepchildren's top priority, & it is parents specifically and Society in generals total lack of acknowledgment of this very basic biological fact that causes so many issues in blended families. As humans we love our own dc the most. End of. And why sdc have to be 'protected' from this very natural thing is beyond me.
If people don't want their dc to exist in a blended situation then they should put up & not separate/divorce, or stay single post divorce.
There's no point in splitting up, moving on & then blaming the blended situation for everything that goes wrong with your ex &/or dc.
Parents really need to own their s**t.

I feel like there's a lot of non step moms in this area and it's ridiculous and frustrating seeing the same old s*%% saying: Oh. But you have to love them as if they're yours cause you married a man with children bla bla bla bla

F8%= that!

You are not being unreasonable!!! It's your time with your child. I wouldn't give up a second of my time with my child to spend time with someone else's kids.

I support you fully, OP!

But sad in a way that if I ever break up with my ex I know my children's new step mum will like them but she won't love them. She won't do what's best for them, she'll do what's best for her child. that's something for you to weigh up when deciding to leave your partner. And there's nothing about OP's scenario that suggests leaving DC behind is best for the SDC.

All mothers put their children first, or if they don't they aren't very good mothers*
Would anyone say it was "sad" for her own child if her DSC were the centre of her world?
Does anyone think that the "first wives club" should find some other kids to prioritise as God forbid they should prioritise their own?
Honestly the entitlement of it! "This woman loves her own children above all others oh my poor babies how awful for them boohoo"

*This doesn't mean in all things at all times if they have any interest in bringing up balanced human beings, but overall.

Honestly the entitlement of it! "This woman loves her own children above all others oh my poor babies how awful for them boohoo" I know! It would screw the DSC up surely if they had that kind of weird relationship with their stepmum and half sibling.

She won't do what's best for them, she'll do what's best for her child.

If that means insisting they eat proper meals, get sleep and clean their teeth - like her own dc - is that such a bad thing? Think about how your DH parents your child alone - and ask yourself whether you might be happier if a reasonable woman got stuck in with the grungier bits.

If you trust your partner enough with your child then it shouldn't matter what a stepmum does. Your then expartner is still their parent so trust them to make sure they are looked after

To be honest IDGAF if it would screw the DSC up or not. It would screw my own child up if he was second peg to me and that's my priority.
This idea that if your husband got someone pregnant by before you, you are wrong to expect to be a mother like any other and feel for your babies like any of other... It's just poisonous and it seems to be leaking on thread after thread.
The family set up will always be different than a nuclear family and different daily shuffles and decisions made, of course.
But at the heart of it, yes, I love my babies above all others, they are my pride and joy, my absolute favourites, and I do think I have more of a responsibility to them than to DSD, legally, morally, emotionally, practically. Etc etc.
And I don't think it is at all "sad" to say that I am a mother just the same as DHs ex.

@laurenGame divorce is sad. But that's not anything a SP is involved in.

I fought for my SD to get medical diagnosis that she needed to thrive in school. She went from academically failing to a straight a student. Just because her parents refused to acknowledge she was a bit different and needed support. I got called a evil stepmom but even both sides of the family said eventually omg thank god you did that. She's really happy.

Just because people don't have the warm and fluffy doesn't mean that a step parent won't try and help drastically improve the SC in situation.

@Youseethethingis true. I was trying to see from a 'first mum's' point of view. Basically it's in no one's interest for the stepmum to feel forced to prioritise her DSC over her own child. There is no one this benefits.

Other than dad if he can't be bothered to spend time on his own with his own child I guess.