AIBU to not want to spend this time with his children?

[DontWantToThanks]

My husband has mentioned a couple of times asking someone to look after our baby (10 months) one weekend afternoon and night when we have his older children with us so we can spend some time with them without baby, take them out somewhere or something.

AIBU to say no? Honestly as mean as it probably sounds I have no desire to have someone take DS just so I can go out with DSC.

He absolutely can take them out anywhere he likes but I don't want to send my son away just so I can go along too.

He doesn't see the problem (we have asked people to have DS a few times overnight before but that was when we were completely childfree), I don't see the point if we have the children with us anyway, I'd rather DS was with me.

@OnlyFoolsnMothers

Why arrange a baby sitter to go and see a film if OP doesn't want to see it because that’s being a parent, or step parent. Blimy I didn’t want to sit through angry birds with my niece and nephew years back, I did it to treat them and let them know they were important to me. I agree a whole night is ott but a couple of hrs doesn’t seem like a big ask.

It is not essential in being a stepparent.

@OnlyFoolsnMothers

Why arrange a baby sitter to go and see a film if OP doesn't want to see it because that’s being a parent, or step parent. Blimy I didn’t want to sit through angry birds with my niece and nephew years back, I did it to treat them and let them know they were important to me. I agree a whole night is ott but a couple of hrs doesn’t seem like a big ask.

Is it? I've never known anyone book a sitter so that BOTH parents could go and watch a kids film, if anything that would be the opposite of being a parent...

I do understand your husbands point of view. We have a 10 month but I also have a 6 year old and my partner has a 10 and 8 year old. There are things we can't do anymore, I miss being able to enjoy a day out with my 6 year old, having dinner out etc. Our 10 month old wouldn't enjoy and would be a pain tbh.
I think if they were your children you would 100% see his point of view.
If this is just a one off request then go and make your husband happy, ultimately he's not asking this for once a week.
Or just send your husband and you stay at home. Would be a shame for your husband if he went alone.

Or just send your husband and you stay at home. Would be a shame for your husband if he went alone. presumably he had a good time on his own with his child before OP was in the picture.

I actually think it's really self centred to think that someone who is not your child's parent should actively want to spend time with them, without their own children.

If I split with dp, there's no way I would expect a new partner to leave his own child at home to spend time with mine.

Why would I?

@mummytotwoboys0600

I do understand your husbands point of view. We have a 10 month but I also have a 6 year old and my partner has a 10 and 8 year old. There are things we can't do anymore, I miss being able to enjoy a day out with my 6 year old, having dinner out etc. Our 10 month old wouldn't enjoy and would be a pain tbh. I think if they were your children you would 100% see his point of view. If this is just a one off request then go and make your husband happy, ultimately he's not asking this for once a week. Or just send your husband and you stay at home. Would be a shame for your husband if he went alone.

According to this thread you should ship your youngest off and go spend time with your boyfriend's kids.

Is it? I've never known anyone book a sitter so that BOTH parents could go and watch a kids film, if anything that would be the opposite of being a parent to be honest I don’t know anyone with such big age gaps between their own children so perhaps that’s why. It’s a request to make her husband happy, I really don’t see the giant ask. Like I said a couple of hours is nothing

@OnlyFoolsnMothers

Is it? I've never known anyone book a sitter so that BOTH parents could go and watch a kids film, if anything that would be the opposite of being a parent to be honest I don’t know anyone with such big age gaps between their own children so perhaps that’s why. It’s a request to make her husband happy, I really don’t see the giant ask. Like I said a couple of hours is nothing

Ah so it's not anything to do with the happiness or wellbeing of any kids, she should do it to make her husband happy?

So his feelings matter and hers don't?

As they are your step children they are your family and you will most likely have a life long relationship with them. Admittedly you did not give birth to them, I get that. But they are people who are currently small-ish but will remember when they are adults how they felt around you now. Isn’t doing nice things with them when they are young part of building that relationship? It sounds like a day out not a week away somewhere so I would do it. I would do that for a niece, nephew or god child too.

If my DP had basically told me when our child was born that to do stuff with my son on our own was a waste of his time now he had a child of his own he would not have been my DP anymore. It would have screamed selfish uncaring and unkind

And if my DP, knowing how much time I have dedicated to our shared 10 month old, taking on the bulk of the work, and how much I need and relish a break, expected me to WANT to instead spend that time with his kid (who I see all the time anyway, just not exclusively), then he wouldn't be my DP anymore. It would have screamed selfish, uncaring and unkind.

See, it isn't just parents with the power to have dealbreakers and issue ultimatums.

[quote kateg27]@Getyourarseofffthequattro it's not bizarre though is it. If my older children wanted a paintball party, I wouldn't take the little ones. It's not suitable. Even if it was DSDs birthday. I'd still go because I'd want her to feel like I cared. There aren't many activities that are suitable for teens and a baby. It's not every weekends, it's occasionally. Every weekend would be too much obviously. [/quote]
I would agree with you if it was a birthday (or any special occasion) in OP's post. Of course it would be totally reasonable to get a babysitter for that reason.

However, just for any old day because dad thinks it would be nice (or more likely is getting fed up of entertaining his 2 older kids alone)? I probably wouldn't bother if it wasn't easy for me to sort and we still spent a lot of time all together.

I personally don't think it's an unreasonable ask from the dad if childcare is easily come by, but it doesn't sound like it is, so for that reason I don't think OP is unreasonable not to do this.

I feel like a lot of these comments are responding as if OP never spends time with her SCs?? She does.

So his feelings matter and hers don't? I don’t think it’s a big enough ask to warrant unhappiness in the OP. In your relationships and family do you only do things that 100% suit you?

@Getyourarseofffthequattro

I actually think it's really self centred to think that someone who is not your child's parent should actively want to spend time with them, without their own children.

If I split with dp, there's no way I would expect a new partner to leave his own child at home to spend time with mine.

Why would I?

It's not 'her' child, it's 'their' child.

He is just seeing this as time spent with HIS older children not his only children 🥴

@cowburp

Or just send your husband and you stay at home. Would be a shame for your husband if he went alone. presumably he had a good time on his own with his child before OP was in the picture.

But they are a couple now and sometimes we do things for one another 🤷🏻‍♀️

@OnlyFoolsnMothers

So his feelings matter and hers don't? I don’t think it’s a big enough ask to warrant unhappiness in the OP. In your relationships and family do you only do things that 100% suit you?

If I'm only going to get one day off from DD in a few months and this is it, then yes it would be a very big ask.

If I'm only going to get one day off from DD in a few months and this is it, then yes it would be a very big ask there’s an issue - one day off, make it two and everyone’s happy

@OnlyFoolsnMothers

If I'm only going to get one day off from DD in a few months and this is it, then yes it would be a very big ask there’s an issue - one day off, make it two and everyone’s happy

If you're relying on other people for childcare though that's the thing, you can't just be like 'oh it's fine I'll just have another day without DS next week', that's the whole point. OP doesn't get much time without her baby, so when she does she doesn't want to spend it doing this.

If I had a rare break from my DC I'd be pissed at having to spend it sat watching the new spider-man movie or whatever. That's the only time I get to myself to do things for me. Selfish maybe but understandable when you're knackered and burnt out with a baby, that time to yourself is like gold dust.

*If you're relying on other people for childcare though that's the thing, you can't just be like 'oh it's fine I'll just have another day without DS next week', that's the whole point. OP doesn't get much time without her baby, so when she does she doesn't want to spend it doing this.

If I had a rare break from my DC I'd be pissed at having to spend it sat watching the new spider-man movie or whatever. That's the only time I get to myself to do things for me. Selfish maybe but understandable when you're knackered and burnt out with a baby, that time to yourself is like gold dust.*

This, absolutely. OP has said she doesn't feel she can ask for many days of childcare close together.

Selfish maybe but understandable when you're knackered and burnt out with a baby, that time to yourself is like gold dust understandable yes- but OP has step children, part of a larger blended family. Don’t think of it as a break, you are doing stuff as a step parent, and you can still ask for a break ie. husband takes the baby and step kids out one afternoon.

I wouldn't waste a babysitter night on spending time with any children. Step children or own children 😂😂

Life is stressful enough with a baby that I value the time so much as it is very rare. I would be gutted if this precious time was spent not doing something for myself or what I wanted to do.

I hate to break it to you but a walk to the park is not what a teenager wants to be doing

I'm not suggesting it is. It was in response to a poster who said I want to spend zero time with them. The point wasn't about the park, it was that we do spend time together, lots of it in fact as they live here 50% of the time. If we do anything which is baby friendly I come and we enjoy it. Their Dad also then takes them out on his own quite regularly. I don't see the need for some big DSC orientated evening/night where I have to find alternate care for my baby so I can go.

Maybe it's just a difference in the way certain families work, my parents were definitely of the divide and conquer variety. There's no way my older sibling would have been sent off to my Nan's so both my parents could come to soft play at the same time with me. One would go and the other would stay with the other. Birthdays are different imo and not really comparable to just a random night out.

@OnlyFoolsnMothers

Selfish maybe but understandable when you're knackered and burnt out with a baby, that time to yourself is like gold dust understandable yes- but OP has step children, part of a larger blended family. Don’t think of it as a break, you are doing stuff as a step parent, and you can still ask for a break ie. husband takes the baby and step kids out one afternoon.

Well that's exactly it isn't it. It's NOT a break. OP probably desperately needs one but instead the only chance she has at one is used up doing yet more child focused stuff. I'm not surprised she hates the idea.

If I knew my baby wasn't at home and this was the one night in a while that I wouldn't have him, I'd probably spend the whole time thinking 'ffs I could be in bed now catching up on the sleep I've not had for the last 10 months!'

You are being massively unreasonable, you could go along and actually have fun you know. It's one day or evening occasionally, maybe they miss spending time with you and their dad without the baby there... I have a teen DSS and toddler daughter and spending time with my DSS with just him is so important to me.

you can still ask for a break ie. husband takes the baby and step kids out one afternoon
At last someone has said it. I bet OP is picking up the lion's share of babycare, hence baby free time is as such a premium that she doesn't want to waste it doing stuff for another child.
It seems to be a common theme across boards. If the man isn't doing his share then he can't then complain when his DW isn't going the extra mile.