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Original poster

Am I being unreasonable by not wanting my partners ex in our house we are buying together?

248 replies

catmum789 · 09/11/2021 15:45

I am pregnant with my first baby and my partner has a child already with his ex wife, we are in the process of buying a house together, 50/50 bills etc and I said that I didn't want his ex wife coming in to the house, I thought this was perfectly reasonable because it's my safe space where I will be raising my baby and I don't want to be on edge constantly that it has to be spotless so she doesn't come in and judge. (Also a side note, my partner doesn't go in to his ex's and her new partners house.) My partner then got annoyed with me and said I was being unreasonable but I don't think I am. help :(

OP posts:
Skeumorph · 09/11/2021 15:47

No.

Your boundary.

He doesn’t go into her house either? Then the problem is…?

I would be perfectly prepared to put the stops on the house buying if he won’t respect you on this.

Fl0w3ry · 09/11/2021 15:52

I know a few people separated in this way and they always keep the ex on the doorstep for the same reasons you have.
YANBU

ANameChangeAgain · 09/11/2021 15:55

You mentioned safe space, so I'm assuming there has been drama?
I always think its a nice thing if exes can at least be on sitting to have a coffee together, especially if a handover chat it needed, but your home your rules.

ANameChangeAgain · 09/11/2021 15:55

So many typos, but you get the gist!!

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 09/11/2021 15:59

YANBU- unless they have a current handover plan that you’d be asking them to change? Does she currently come in to discuss child related things when she does pick up / drop off? I guess asking them to change that might not work, although you’re certainly not unreasonable to feel the way you do. Slightly different, but I’ve never allowed my ex or his new partner into my new house, and intend to keep it that way.

5thnonblonde · 09/11/2021 16:03

How old is his DC? Might be difficult if his child wants to invite their mum into their new home.

cstaff · 09/11/2021 16:05

If the same rule applies at her house I don't see why there would be an issue. Whatever about your dp she definitely has no right to question it.

Pumpkinsonparade · 09/11/2021 16:07

Remind him who his partner is supposed to be..

Skeumorph · 09/11/2021 16:20

Really important to show him - now that you are buying a home together - that he does not call the shots on stuff like this. It's your home too, you have a veto (as he would also have a veto on who HE was not comfortable having in his home).

As for being unreasonable - 'Sorry, I don't agree. That's my boundary, we can't buy a home together unless that's clear.'

He just wants an easy life and not to have to say no to an ex who fully intends to come in and have a nose around, I suspect?

Then even more important that you make one thing clear- it's not ever going to be easier and less hassle for him to give in to her and piss you off instead. Never :)

Flat no.

Your surname for your baby, I hope, not the guy you're not married to - yes?!

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/11/2021 16:25

There's a huge amount of information missing. What was the great up like, why would you need safe space? How old is the child and is the ex dropping off solely to you or always to dad?

FlaggRF · 09/11/2021 16:39

Why would she need to enter the house?

SylvanianFrenemies · 09/11/2021 16:52

It seems odd for your partners children's mother to be banned from your house unless there us a big backstory.

Nowomenaroundeh · 09/11/2021 17:35

I didn't do this but wished I had. We rented a house together and would invite the ex wife in if there were any delays with her children. She would accept but make a point of barely acknowledging me when there.

My partner was not welcome in her house but I thought this was irrelevant and her perogative.

Then one day when my child was only a newborn I had agreed to help her daughter (my DSD) with something and was in the garden waiting for them to arrive. She pulled up in the car, got out barely waved hello and strode into the house before being invited. I followed her in, she walked around all of the downstairs rooms before nodding rudely at the unwashed dishes and asking me in a nasty tone if I was struggling to keep on top of things. I said in as neutral a gone as I could muster that yes I was today as I was doing some freelance work on contract, the baby had me up most of the night and I'd spent a large part of the day preparing the work for her daughter. I said her daughter had agreed to mind the baby for an hour in exchange for the favour I was doing her and I planned to clean up then.

She said nothing and walked out. After myself and teenage DSD had finished together (it took a few hours) I asked her would she watch the baby as agreed for an hour. She smiled, said no and that her mum had reminded her she wasn't unpaid childcare for us.

My partner then told her to please wait in the car in future.

SpongebobNoPants · 09/11/2021 18:06

Might be difficult if his child wants to invite their mum into their new home
Why? Just say no, it’s not difficult and even young children understand boundaries.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 09/11/2021 18:12

@MrsTerryPratchett

There's a huge amount of information missing. What was the great up like, why would you need safe space? How old is the child and is the ex dropping off solely to you or always to dad?
There isn't. Anyone can simply say they do not want anyone in their home. There doesn't have to be a backstory.
Theunamedcat · 09/11/2021 18:14

When you and he are welcomed into her house then she and her partner will be welcomed into yours

Woodmarsh · 09/11/2021 18:23

Of course you aren't being unreasonable, she has no need to be in your home

@sylvanianfrenemies it's not odd at all, quite common in fact.

Jabvribt · 09/11/2021 18:28

We do all the running about for DSD so luckily I’ve not had to face this one but her mum keeps us on the doorstep 90% of the time and it’s never occurred to me to be bothered; it’s her space and when we have been in I do naturally (subtly) glance around and it’s totally get right if she doesn’t want that

Universeandeverything · 09/11/2021 18:30

I don’t think she needs to come in your house at all so I agree with you.

cowburp · 09/11/2021 18:36

Why does she need to come in the house?

candlelightsatdawn · 09/11/2021 19:52

Odd the amount of people questioning why op needs a safe space and doesn't want the ex nosing around. I also wouldn't want various other people nosying around my house either esp one with 0 entitlement to do that. The ex doesn't live there, so the ex has no right to enter the house.

If the facilitation of contact now stops at the door, even if before ex had free roam of the house. She will have to deal with it as she is never was entitled to it (such as you have no entitlement to go into her house and roam). Change happens and it's about fairness of both houses. You can't say one rule for one and one rule for another this soon.

The ex is a ex for a reason, dynamics change and now it's not just her wants to be nosy that trump everything.

Be careful though op - Your DP seems to be making noises the ex will become a jointly owned monkey you have to please not just him. Say no he needs to handle whatever eppie comes his way, as that monkey belongs to his circus alone. You are the partner and he should be putting your needs/wants above the ex.

Trust me it's all about the small boundaries being crossed to begin with, that set the tone later on. Please please honestly i wish I had been warned before.

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/11/2021 20:16

Odd the amount of people questioning why op needs a safe space and doesn't want the ex nosing around.

Well she hasn't bothered coming back and saying.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 09/11/2021 20:25

@MrsTerryPratchett

Odd the amount of people questioning why op needs a safe space and doesn't want the ex nosing around.

Well she hasn't bothered coming back and saying.

She doesn't need to. Do you have to justify why you don't want someone in your home? Of course not.
Mediocrates · 09/11/2021 20:28

I hated having my DH's ex-W in our house (but an issue now DSCs are adults), but on the other hand my DCs have taken their dad upstairs to show him their bedrooms/Christmas trees/whatever. Their home too, so I've never said no.

Mediocrates · 09/11/2021 20:28

Should say NOT an issue now