Am I being unreasonable by not wanting my partners ex in our house we are buying together?

[catmum789]

I am pregnant with my first baby and my partner has a child already with his ex wife, we are in the process of buying a house together, 50/50 bills etc and I said that I didn't want his ex wife coming in to the house, I thought this was perfectly reasonable because it's my safe space where I will be raising my baby and I don't want to be on edge constantly that it has to be spotless so she doesn't come in and judge. (Also a side note, my partner doesn't go in to his ex's and her new partners house.) My partner then got annoyed with me and said I was being unreasonable but I don't think I am. help :(

The dp doesn't go in the ex wifes house though, so presumably she feels the same. So why is ok for her to have that boundary and not op?

I think you are right to hold boundaries, OP and you need to be in agreement with your DP before you sign on the dotted line for that house.

However, you do need to consider that there maybe situations that require she enters the house. My relationship with my ex is full of animosity and unpleasantness and I would say that usually, I wouldn’t enter his home or have him over my doorstep. I can think of two occasions where it was necessary - when my children were with dad for an extended period over the summer and my mum died. And when our youngest child was diagnosed with a life changing illness/disability and the other two had had to go to dad’s overnight whilst he was rushed off in an ambulance. In neither of those cases was it appropriate to have those discussions anything other than face to face inside.

The suggestions here that all an ex wants to do is ‘poke around’, ‘snoop’ or ‘nose’ just serve to ramp up ill-feeling. I can assure you that I have no interest in my ex’s home or belongings.

The suggestions here that all an ex wants to do is ‘poke around’, ‘snoop’ or ‘nose’ just serve to ramp up ill-feeling. I can assure you that I have no interest in my ex’s home or belongings.

The problem here is that reasonable people cannot imagine the chaos that unreasonable people can wreak. Plenty of heartbreaking stories on this forum to see what I mean. Even previously reasonable people can do astonishing things when placed in a most uncomfortable and unfamiliar situation.

The blended family setup is anything but comfortable. If a couple failed to sort out their differences when married, why do you expect them to magic up the skills to then deal admirably with the mega complexities of blended family existence? At this point, the workable solution is to nail down the boundaries and give everyone space. You might not like that you don't get the tour of your exes new place, but it's small stuff. Most people don't entertain at home - that was back in the 50s. We have an abundance of cafes for that these days.

I remember during the first year of seeing OH when the ex was in full on crazy mode and desperate to split us up she went into OHs house when dropping something off. One of his and my friends was there at the time, she took a picture of herself and the friend in OH kitchen and posted it on Facebook tagging them both and saying how it was just like old times

DH has an old gf from (many!) years ago. It didn't work out, his kids all hated her. We'd not been together long, and she happened to see us out together. A few days later, she called round to DH's house, apparently desperate for the loo. The rest of the story I heard from one of his kids. She poked her head around the doors upstairs, and bumped into one of them. Clearly embarrassed at being caught out, she immediately went on the attack. Looking DSD up and down disparagingly, she said 'You need to go to Weightwatchers' and then stormed off. Charming!

This wasn't even an exw with concerns about her own children. I wasn't even there, but my existence had become something to her that had to be checked up on and policed. So, sadly, 'poking around' in the new home does have to be factored in.

The suggestions here that all an ex wants to do is ‘poke around’, ‘snoop’ or ‘nose’ just serve to ramp up ill-feeling. I can assure you that I have no interest in my ex’s home or belongings.

This maybe a truth for you but not a universal one. Everything was happy and dandy with us with the ex( with a few hiccups) until we invited SD mum into house and then the jealousy kicked in and there was talk of my wage being taken into account to maintenance because my house was nice and she said openly she deserved what I have 🤯

Humans are prone to emotions and ex or not those emotions can lead to actions being taken based on what is seen.

Boundaries keep the lines non blurred and stop this type of thing snow balling.

@SamosaSammy

Hmm. Will be interesting when sdc wants to show mummy their new brother or sister. I mean you could always dangle the baby out of a window or something so that the witch doesn't breach your 'safe space'.

She doesn’t get to show mum her new sister. A photo will do. The baby isn't a toy to show off.

@GoIntoTheLight

I think the children should be considered first here. If they want to show their mum their room or toys that should take precedence over your wants.

And if children had wanted their parents to stay together then maybe that shouldq have taken precedence over the parents wants? Then they could have seen their room every day. See..see how stupid it is to say the kids wants come first. There is no way I am happy for the ex wife to put a foot in my door. She won't even "allow" me to join DP for pick ups/drop offs

@candlelightsatdawn sorry what? She wanted your income to count towards her maintenance! What a joke!

@cowburp I'm not the first and it would seem not the last that this has happened to. It had its own thread and everything.

I never thought I would be in the same boat though. Weird as I said used to get on with the ex really well.

@cowburp
It is much more reasonable to say that partners' wants and wishes matter equally particularly as relates to a property for which they are paying equal shares. If one or the other were purchasing this separately, they would be entitled to a complete statement about its intended use and purpose, but as a joint investment , they should have equal say.

It is not unreasonable for the OP to say that she will neither live in nor invest in the property if the ex is allowed to enter. The OP has a complete and absolute right to determine what she invests in and where she lives. Her partner cannot force her to make an investment or live under conditions with which she does not agree. However, she too cannot force him to do that with which he does not agree.

Fortunately for both of them, they are neither married nor have they made the investment. They have a significant indicator of an area of incompatibility. Incompatibility does not prevent you from having a child together, but it should prevent you from living together.

There was a thread last week about an OP going through a divorce having kittens because her teenage children had allowed their dad into their home and he had then proceeded to root around in her private documents under the pretence of looking for his spare car key.
Fascinating how the tone of the thread changes when it's an SM asking if her boundaries should be respected.

@Youseethethingis
The OP's partner is not suggesting that his ex be allowed to root around in the house. No one, regardless of their status or relationship, should be allowed to root around in someone else's home. That is not a step issue that would be true in any home situation.

Have you heard of the word ‘compromise’ @Tattler2?

It’s generally accepted that the ability to compromise is a useful skill in a successful relationship.

@Tattler2
I'm not suggesting that was suggested.
I'm suggested if one woman is allowed to say the childrens father should not be in her home as it's crossing her boundaries then so should another.

Fascinating how the tone of the thread changes when it's an SM asking if her boundaries should be respected.

where in her post has OP said the exw will be rooting through her things through? Nowhere. The thread you're talking about is not the same as this scenario.

In a shared home, it's not just down to one partner to say who can and can't come inside, especially when there are existing children in the mix.

@KurtWilde

Fascinating how the tone of the thread changes when it's an SM asking if her boundaries should be respected.

where in her post has OP said the exw will be rooting through her things through? Nowhere. The thread you're talking about is not the same as this scenario.

In a shared home, it's not just down to one partner to say who can and can't come inside, especially when there are existing children in the mix.

She is worried that she will, isn't she? I mean personally I don't think she needs a reason. Who decides what is a good enough reason?

There is no need for this woman to enter her home.

Yes there's no need for it. There is absolutely no reason for her to be in the house.

I'd not think much of my DH if he unilaterally decided that someone I'm uncomfortable with being in my home should be in my home, whenever suits everyone else.
She can't be half in half out, it's one or the other. The person who doesn't want it gets the veto IMO.

• one wants a baby the other doesn't
• one wants to sell the house and move to Oz, the other doesn't
• one wants his ex in the house, the other doesn't

@Getyourarseofffthequattro
The OP has every right to set boundaries for both her investments and her home. The problem arises because her partner has exactly the same rights.

If they cannot reach some agreement related to the issue, they should probably neither invest together or live together. They can remain in a relationship, but they obviously have different expectations related to civility and perhaps maturity. No right or wrong just a different approach to the mano in which they want to live. Neither owes it to y the other to have to unilaterally accept the others point of view, and they may both be equally committed to their particular point of view.

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@Tattler2 in this case the right to not have someone in OP's home trumps the right for he partner to have the ex in their home. I am yet to hear one good reason why she needs to come in.

Maybe where the child can't leave the bed without mum assisting or they are injured and can't leave the house. Apart from that, no.

[quote Tattler2]@Getyourarseofffthequattro
The OP has every right to set boundaries for both her investments and her home. The problem arises because her partner has exactly the same rights.

If they cannot reach some agreement related to the issue, they should probably neither invest together or live together. They can remain in a relationship, but they obviously have different expectations related to civility and perhaps maturity. No right or wrong just a different approach to the mano in which they want to live. Neither owes it to y the other to have to unilaterally accept the others point of view, and they may both be equally committed to their particular point of view.

,[/quote]
But he's contradicting himself. He wants his ex in his house, but isn't allowed in his exs house. How can he argue he is right?
Your solution isn't really a solution is it.

There is no need for this woman to enter her home.

When there's children involved it's never as cut and dry as this in my experience.

I don't particularly want my exh in my home, it was supposed to be my sanctuary after escaping our abusive marriage where abuse was done directly to me, and yet with shared DC of course there have been occasions when I've let him in for one reason or another, usually when one of the DC is ill.

The DPs exw doesn't appear to have personally given OP a reason to feel threatened by her, it seems to stem from OPs childhood. It would be unfair imo to be so rigidly against something that in reality might only happen on rare occasion anyway.

Obviously OP has the right to feel safe in her own home. That goes without saying. But why does she get to be the only one to make a decision about this and trump the other person on the tenancy/deeds?

It might be a non issue, or it might cause tension between two co-parents. You could say that her DP shouldn't want something that will knowingly distress OP as he loves and cares for her feelings, you could also say OP shouldn't want to insist on something that might upset her relationship and the co-parenting of her DP who she also loves and cares about. I think there's a few ways of looking at it tbh.

@Youseethethingis
In this case, the veto can be to not purchase the property together and/ or to not live together. The OP is not being compelled to do either thing.

People have different views about the manner in which they choose to conduct their lives. These people have a different view on what they deem to be appropriate. Neither should be trying to force the pov on the either. Reasonable adults would have a discussion and reach an agreement or decide that these are conditions under which they are unwilling to live. There is no absolute right or wrong ; there is only that which you can and are willing to tolerate in your particular situation.