Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

Am I being unreasonable by not wanting my partners ex in our house we are buying together?

248 replies

catmum789 · 09/11/2021 15:45

I am pregnant with my first baby and my partner has a child already with his ex wife, we are in the process of buying a house together, 50/50 bills etc and I said that I didn't want his ex wife coming in to the house, I thought this was perfectly reasonable because it's my safe space where I will be raising my baby and I don't want to be on edge constantly that it has to be spotless so she doesn't come in and judge. (Also a side note, my partner doesn't go in to his ex's and her new partners house.) My partner then got annoyed with me and said I was being unreasonable but I don't think I am. help :(

OP posts:
cowburp · 10/11/2021 12:08

There is no absolute right or wrong ; there is only that which you can and are willing to tolerate in your particular situation. it should be easier to tolerate not having someone in your home than having them in your home when you don't want them there.

Youseethethingis · 10/11/2021 12:10

Also true. Far better for the partner to have yet another child he doesn't live with than to tell his ex and elder children "no".

BeyondOurReef · 10/11/2021 12:11

@Youseethethingis

Also true. Far better for the partner to have yet another child he doesn't live with than to tell his ex and elder children "no".
Strangely, quite a lot of people seem to think this is the case.
cowburp · 10/11/2021 12:14

@Youseethethingis

Also true. Far better for the partner to have yet another child he doesn't live with than to tell his ex and elder children "no".
It's like "No" is the worst word you can ever say to the DSD but shared DC are going to hear it so many times. No DC, you can't go to DSD's home. No DC, you can't have horseriding lessons even though DSD does. But the moment it's the other way round!
excelledyourself · 10/11/2021 12:14

If he doesn't see it as an issue that he's not allowed in ex's house, fine. Doesn't mean he has to have the same stance. That is completely separate to OP's feelings on the ex in their house.

cowburp · 10/11/2021 12:15

Ah obviously I have a DSD sorry for poor formatting of that post. Posted in RAGE!

Tattler2 · 10/11/2021 12:16

Far better for people who cannot reach mutual agreements not to live together. The OP's partner knows that he is capable of managing a life where he spends only part of the time with his child. That is the condition (I am assuming) under which the OP met him. What he may be less capable of managing is a life in which his partner gets to make unilateral decisions about the house rules in a property for which he is expected to be an equal contributor.

cowburp · 10/11/2021 12:19

He should just mutually agree not to have her in they house. Much simpler. It's like if one person wants to do a tandem cycle. If the partner doesn't want to join in then best they don't.

cowburp · 10/11/2021 12:21

Default should be no ex in the house. It's up to DP to convince OP she should be allowed in and under what circumstances. If he doesn't manage this then tough she can stand on the doorstep.

Youseethethingis · 10/11/2021 12:32

Ahhhh so if OP paid an extra fiver towards the rent/mortgage then she would be allowed to reject people who would make her uncomfortable in her own home?

Tattler2 · 10/11/2021 12:34

There need not be a default. Neither of these people should have to start off living in a situation with you they do not agree. They are not married and have not yet purchased any property. They can remain together but live in circumstances under which they are most comfortable. The partner may want a life with civility and some measure of maturity. The Op needs to feel in total control of her environment. Neither is wrong and they can have both situations by living apart

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 10/11/2021 12:36

@Tattler2

There need not be a default. Neither of these people should have to start off living in a situation with you they do not agree. They are not married and have not yet purchased any property. They can remain together but live in circumstances under which they are most comfortable. The partner may want a life with civility and some measure of maturity. The Op needs to feel in total control of her environment. Neither is wrong and they can have both situations by living apart
So the effect that has on the baby is fine then? Because doesn't the create a whole load more problems?
NovemberRain2 · 10/11/2021 12:38

Depends on the relationship. It's your DP's house too so he should get a say on who's invited.

My XH often pops in for a cuppa or even a meal when picking up or dropping off DC. My current DH is very comfortable with this and the three of us chat about family, mutual friends, current affairs etc.

It's also my DC's home and, unless there is a history of toxicity or abuse, I don't think it's fair to ban his parent from entering his home.

BeyondOurReef · 10/11/2021 12:40

@Tattler2

Far better for people who cannot reach mutual agreements not to live together. The OP's partner knows that he is capable of managing a life where he spends only part of the time with his child. That is the condition (I am assuming) under which the OP met him. What he may be less capable of managing is a life in which his partner gets to make unilateral decisions about the house rules in a property for which he is expected to be an equal contributor.
At what point does her husband have a responsibility to consider things from his partner (and cowner’s) perspective and to recognise that she feels she needs her home to be a space his ex does but enter.

Sometimes we all need to see our partner’s perspective and recognise that the trade offs might be much greater for them in your preferred course of action than they are for you in theirs.

Here the OP is talking about her home, where she’ll live with a newborn baby. Not allowing his ex into the house doesn’t prevent him having contact with his ex or coparenting effectively (especially not since his ex doesn’t let him in her house either). So there is no compelling reason that he needs to stick to his preference.

Whereas his partner is concerned about feeling that her home is her own and feeling safe their with her baby. Whether he agrees or not, insisting on letting his ex in will have a negative effect on her.

Your stance here is very strange. It’s like telling someone with a severe allergy to peanuts that they should respect their partner’s preference to eat peanuts at home. Rather than that the partner could recognise that their preference is much less important and they could agree to only eat peanuts if they’re away from home and won’t be seeing their partner afterwards. Compromise based on empathy and consideration rather than some sort of demands based all of nothing negotiation.

NovemberRain2 · 10/11/2021 12:44

OP is not allergic to the ex wife FFS

BeyondOurReef · 10/11/2021 12:48

No. But she feels strongly that having her in her house will affect her negatively. And the baby.

The children are not harmed by their mother not letting daddy in her house. There’s no reason why they need to have her in the house the OP lives in. So why can’t handovers just happen on the doorstep?

BeyondOurReef · 10/11/2021 12:49

Why is it ok for the ex to ban the children’s father from her home, but not the other way around?

There is no actual need for it.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 10/11/2021 12:52

@BeyondOurReef

Why is it ok for the ex to ban the children’s father from her home, but not the other way around?

There is no actual need for it.

Because she is a real mum and op is a lowly step mum who doesn't have feelings you see.
NovemberRain2 · 10/11/2021 12:54

@BeyondOurReef

Why is it ok for the ex to ban the children’s father from her home, but not the other way around?

There is no actual need for it.

Not saying that's okay either.

But I think OP should consider some compromise for her DP and SC. When you enter a relationship with someone who has kids, compromises need to be made.

Unless there is a lot of history, I can't see why this is a problem.

Children can gain a lot from seeing healthy relationships and being reassured that just because their parents aren't together, they still have a healthy and friendly relationship.

Modelling good relationships is incredibly important for child development.

Youseethethingis · 10/11/2021 12:54

There was a time where the mention of DHs ex name caused my heart to pound. Even if my DH sighed huffily or glowered at his phone, it would beat out of my chest waiting to be told what the next fucking drama was.
I was allergic to that woman and under no circumstances be would I have had her in my home*

  • All fine now and I would not have a problem with her coming in now. But 4 years ago...
Getyourarseofffthequattro · 10/11/2021 12:55

I would burn my house down before I let dps ex in it. She has let herself in before though with dss key.

cowburp · 10/11/2021 13:02

@Youseethethingis

Ahhhh so if OP paid an extra fiver towards the rent/mortgage then she would be allowed to reject people who would make her uncomfortable in her own home?
Yes that must be right.
SpaceshiptoMars · 10/11/2021 13:03

Regardless of history, an about-to-be-first-time-mum deserves more than a smidgen of consideration. In a blended situation, this time is the most dangerous for the whole setup. If the ex is ever going to have a massive wobble and go off the rails, this will be that time.

Her DP should be listening to her. Her gut feelings are telling her this is not a safe situation. We ignore the gut feelings of those we love at our peril.

cowburp · 10/11/2021 13:05

@Tattler2

There need not be a default. Neither of these people should have to start off living in a situation with you they do not agree. They are not married and have not yet purchased any property. They can remain together but live in circumstances under which they are most comfortable. The partner may want a life with civility and some measure of maturity. The Op needs to feel in total control of her environment. Neither is wrong and they can have both situations by living apart
There is a default. The ex wife is not currently in the house. This is the default position. Then ex wife turns up at door and she has to be let in or turned away. She doesn't live there.

I don't think living apart because OP doesn't want the ex in the house is a good message to send the baby as they grow up.

KurtWilde · 10/11/2021 13:09

It’s like telling someone with a severe allergy to peanuts that they should respect their partner’s preference to eat peanuts at home.

This is so silly. She's not allergic to the exw. Also people who have severe allergies avoid the cause themselves, they don't expect everyone around them to do the same. I'm allergic to a certain food but I've never stopped my DC from eating it because it's not their job to manage my allergies ffs.

There's a big trend at the moment about feeling 'uncomfortable'. I do many things that make me uncomfortable but I still have to do them, as do most of us. I don't get this whole every little discomfort must be pandered to. What if the OPs step DC feel uncomfortable being around her newborn, will she keep the baby separate from them to stop their discomfort or tell them that sometimes we all have to come to terms with the fact that not everything revolves around our comfort.