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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Am I being unreasonable by not wanting my partners ex in our house we are buying together?

248 replies

catmum789 · 09/11/2021 15:45

I am pregnant with my first baby and my partner has a child already with his ex wife, we are in the process of buying a house together, 50/50 bills etc and I said that I didn't want his ex wife coming in to the house, I thought this was perfectly reasonable because it's my safe space where I will be raising my baby and I don't want to be on edge constantly that it has to be spotless so she doesn't come in and judge. (Also a side note, my partner doesn't go in to his ex's and her new partners house.) My partner then got annoyed with me and said I was being unreasonable but I don't think I am. help :(

OP posts:

PingedPotato · 14/11/2021 18:07

This is not the matter that can be in the grey. It's fairly black and white. She's allowed in or she's not. I agree there isn't a compromise to be had on this one. Unless she is allowed to stick a foot in the door.

SpongebobNoPants · 14/11/2021 18:11

Also @Tattler2 I imagine you’ve never been threatened or verbally abused by your SC’s mother. You might feel differently about offering the courtesy of crossing your threshold.

My DP’s exgf will never enter my home because she is unpleasant, verbally abusive and looks for any reason to start an argument. I used to let her into my home (when DP and I lived separately) and she saw I had nice furniture etc and used that as a reason to demand I contribute towards things for her children.
She’s an unreasonable person, I want her nowhere near my home.

Oh also, she entered my home without either DP’s or my knowledge or permission only a few months back and was rifling through our post which was on the side in our hallway. What she didn’t realise was that my mum was at my house as she was seeing to my dogs whilst we were at work.

PingedPotato · 14/11/2021 18:12

@Tattler2 yes I think you must move in different circles to me. I can't think of a single person who would be happy for an ex partner to set foot in their home. Maybe you don't view a home in the same way?

PingedPotato · 14/11/2021 18:13

candlelightsatdawn · 14/11/2021 18:17

@Tattler2 I think because your approaching it from a place of never having a Acrimonious ex rolling around the place or never made to feel inferior or just a very different mindset.

Which is great and a place I have been in before the whole drama kicked off with my pregnancy. I couldn't have foreseen the battiness that has occurred because it just wasn't there before. Situations change and because there hadn't been any emotional bursts previously I didn't have history to think it would happen but it did and it's left me feeling v shaken.

It felt like a shark attack, in a area not known for sharks.

That view point is a privileged thinking , and not a common one in blended families. It was a humbling enough experience to find out that my thinking actually was nothing to do with how good or not good my relationships where to begin with and was never in my control. Humans seemed to be able to have emotional outbursts literally from the blue (which i suppose is human).

Your logic is fine in principal but in real life doesn't always play out like that because of emotions . It cant always be predicted. The best situations can turn on a knifes edge with enough pressure. When a pressure cooking is brewing, you do not add more fuel to the fire. You set parameters at which to contain and if possible reduce the heat aka boundaries.Good fences make neighbours and all that jazz.

Hindsight makes a fool of us all, and I hope you don't mind saying but your view points and a few of your posts and the way you view things makes me think that maybe your view point is so different because you are programmed mentally a different way (I don't mean this to be offensive in the slightest please don't take it as such, it's not my intention, it's actually a compliment as some of my favourite people are very much like you) but acknowledging that difference would probably help people understand you aren't trolling or trying to be difficult but maybe just a bit more black and white than most with less emotions rolling around the shop. My father was incredibly similar but that's why he was one hell of a lawyer but not perhaps the warm and fluffy kind.

PingedPotato · 14/11/2021 18:18

My DH's ex wife kept coming into our hallway under the pretence of dropping off her kids bags. I was tempted to leave really random things in the hallway. Haha. Anyway DH soon put a stop to that.

SpongebobNoPants · 14/11/2021 18:20

My mum literally said “What the fuck are you doing?” and pretty much shoved her out of the door.

Funnily enough when she knows we’re home she doesn’t even get out of her car at pick ups or drop offs. However, she thought the house was empty because my SD had asked to come to collect something she’d left here and I told her we weren’t home and said she was free to pop over just be mindful of the dogs.

SD let herself in, cheeky mum followed her in and was having a good nose around whilst SD was upstairs… unaware my mum was stood in our sitting room doorway.

We bought a ring doorbell after that 😂😂

SpongebobNoPants · 14/11/2021 18:25

Also to add to my last post, SD had not invited her into the house nor was she aware she’d come into the house until she heard my mum’s raised voice. She was as shocked as we were.

PingedPotato · 14/11/2021 18:26

Good on your mum and SD. I'd feel so violated.

Tattler2 · 14/11/2021 18:34

@PingedPotato
My step kid's mom has been in my home on several occasions and I have been in her home on several occasions. She and her husband have also been guests in my ex's house. No one riffles through anyone's belongings and all behave in a civil.and social. manner.

We are all.mature adults, none of whom have any Interest in each other's past and all of whom want positive things for all of the kids with whom we interact. None of that has created any situations that lead to feeling unsafe or any need to ban each other from our homes.

I have many divorced friends and I have never heard any of them say that they have ever banned or been banned from their ex's home. I quite honestly did not know that this was such a common place experience.

SpongebobNoPants · 14/11/2021 18:36

That’s the crux of it @Tattler2 you’re naively expecting all exes to behave reasonably. Unfortunately many don’t, which has been the experience of myself and most of the posters on this board.

Twolostsoulsswimminginafishbow · 14/11/2021 18:39

Is DH forbidden from his ex’s home or has it just not occurred to him to go inside?
I open DH’s mail (and he mine. It depends who gets to it first. If it’s addressed to the DC neither of us would open it.) I don’t think that’s necessarily controlling in most marriages.
I couldn’t leave someone on the doorstep in the rain that I knew unless there was a reason to but I think it’s lovely when children see all their parents (and step parents) getting along if that’s possible.
I wouldn’t leave her alone to go snooping but it might be an opportunity to forge stronger links for the children’s sake.

PingedPotato · 14/11/2021 18:41

@Tattler2 you've been lucky then. I can be as mature as I like she'd find something to critise.

I left the packaging from a fancy gift OH got me in the recycling area and my word she kicked off when she saw it.

PingedPotato · 14/11/2021 18:42

I couldn’t leave someone on the doorstep in the rain if they have a car they can wait in that. Or just make sure the kids are ready bang on time so there's no waiting.

Pumpkinsonparade · 14/11/2021 19:02

Personally I could leave my ex standing in a pot of boiling oil.

BlindMum · 14/11/2021 19:21

Nope Your house is your safe place so no She shouldn’t come anywhere closer than the front step

This is a rule we have after we bought together but to be fair she has no reason to come anywhere near our house she does not do drop-off or pick up

Starseeking · 14/11/2021 23:00

You are not being unreasonable OP. If you don't feel comfortable having your DH's ex in your house your DH should respect that.

I don't allow my EXDP to come in my house as he is incapable of respecting boundaries. My house is my safe haven, and I'd be damned if I'd let him come in and fling himself on the sofa or root through the fridge as if he owned the place, as he is quite likely to do.

Your DH having a brief chat with his ex at handover in the porch should be sufficient.

Porcupineintherough · 15/11/2021 16:25

Threads like this make me so grateful that all the adults in my disjointed family acted like adults. It made life a lot easier for all us kids, siblings and steps alike.

KurtWilde · 15/11/2021 16:28

@Porcupineintherough

Threads like this make me so grateful that all the adults in my disjointed family acted like adults. It made life a lot easier for all us kids, siblings and steps alike.

Same here.

RedWingBoots · 15/11/2021 18:36

@Porcupineintherough

Threads like this make me so grateful that all the adults in my disjointed family acted like adults. It made life a lot easier for all us kids, siblings and steps alike.

Unfortunately some adults don't understand appropriate boundaries.

As a kid I had to deal with a step-mother who did have appropriate boundaries and a father who didn't, and then a step-mother who didn't. Now as an adult I'm dealing with the latter again....

SickOfCrap · 24/11/2021 15:58

My house, my rules!
My husband's ex wouldn't dream of setting foot in here, unless it's an emergency, like she really needing the bathroom. Still I make sure I don't even see her.

Tattler2 · 25/11/2021 12:01

@SickOfCrap
If you are jointly purchasing a home with someone else and they are an equal contributor shouldn't the saying be "Our House, Our Rules?" Shouldn't the "equal partner" get an equal say?

Confusedteacher · 29/11/2021 14:53

Unless there is a huge backstory I don’t see an issue. When we bought our house together, we deliberately arranged for DH’s exW to come in when she picked up the kids so that they could show her round. They were excited to show her their new bedrooms. My exH nearly always comes in when he picks up the kids, because they are usually late getting their stuff together. We’re all adults, we’ve all moved on.

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