Am I being unreasonable by not wanting my partners ex in our house we are buying together?

[catmum789]

I am pregnant with my first baby and my partner has a child already with his ex wife, we are in the process of buying a house together, 50/50 bills etc and I said that I didn't want his ex wife coming in to the house, I thought this was perfectly reasonable because it's my safe space where I will be raising my baby and I don't want to be on edge constantly that it has to be spotless so she doesn't come in and judge. (Also a side note, my partner doesn't go in to his ex's and her new partners house.) My partner then got annoyed with me and said I was being unreasonable but I don't think I am. help :(

You can consider a child's feelings whilst having firm boundaries in place. Children are not stupid.

This makes me quite sad actually, I'm still with the father of my child and maybe I'm just being naive but the thought things could be so hostile when my child could live half there is a bit meh really. Life is too short for that sort of drama. I would like to think if we both went our separate ways we could maintain a good relationship for the sake of our child. I certainly ly would never ban him from my house even if I was with someone else, how awful for the children involved I think.

But yes I know I'm being naive

Would you really just keep her on the doorstep if it was pissing down and she was trying to tell you something about the kids? Or if one of the kids asked her to see their new room etc?

@GoIntoTheLight

I think the children should be considered first here. If they want to show their mum their room or toys that should take precedence over your wants.

Load of absolute bollocks.

And how far does this theory go? Woman leaves abusive man, she’s managed to protect the kids so they don’t know what dad’s really like. He’s allowed contact and the kids want to invite dad in to see their rooms, does that wish trump mum’s right to keep her abuser out of her home?

Of course it bloody doesn’t.

What children want only counts for so much. The feelings and needs of adults matter too. Yes, even lowly step mums.

@MrsTerryPratchett I agree. It doesn’t seem massively mature if there isn’t a back story about why the ex wife would be unsafe/unwelcome - apart from general ex wife vibes. And to make it a blanket rule “never in my house” seems to invite drama - I’m sure she wouldn’t be coming over loads anyway, but on occasion maybe her children want their mum to see their bedroom, or there might be a particular reason, say school issues, that there needs to be a conversation about the DSC over a cup of tea rather than standing on the doorstep.

Why get worked up over that - surely it’s part and parcel of being a step-parent?

(As long as ex wife isn’t abusive - and the update that the reason being she allegedly read her exH’s mail when they were together doesn’t meet the bar to me, especially considering he is fine with her in the house)

The very least the adults in these scenarios can do is consider their feelings if they want to show mummy their new bedroom or whatever.

I'd consider their feelings and then say no. A want is not a need. Creating fuzzy boundaries is definitely not in their best interests. Good fences make good neighbours.

@whistleryukon

Would you really just keep her on the doorstep if it was pissing down and she was trying to tell you something about the kids? Or if one of the kids asked her to see their new room etc?

Sounds like that’s what the ex in this set up would do as dad isn’t allowed into her and her new boyfriend’s place. They’re allowed boundaries but OP’s not?

It's not a race to the bottom though is it in terms of pettiness

@SamosaSammy

OK, children's wants take precedence over the wants of the owner of the house...... Got it

Children's wants?!

Mummy and daddy split up then they both decide to marry/shack up with another person that you didn't choose but who you have to live with too, then there's a new sibling that you don't live with...

All completely beyond their control and none of those events are to do with the child's wants, usually the very opposite and they simply have to lump it whether they like new step mum or dad or not.

The very least the adults in these scenarios can do is consider their feelings if they want to show mummy their new bedroom or whatever. It's pretty minimal compared to what they've had to accept.

100% this.

The kids from his previous relationship are clearly bottom of the heap when it comes to this house. They can't even invite their mum in to see their bedrooms/new whatever?

It's not the kids being childish here.

Abuse apart, the least the adults who have caused this fragmented life for the kids (and I'm not saying they shouldn't have, but it is what it is) should at least consider them when it comes to this sort of thing.

@saraclara op didn't cause their parents to break up, did she? So why are you blaming her?

This thread is a brilliant advert for what people actually think of step mums.

Your Dh has a child with his ex so yabu, massively. She will always have a relationship with him, she is the mother of his child, there may be times when they need to talk/ drop off and picks up.

You should be greatful he is nice to his ex as he may be nice to you if you also split up, it says a lot about how they treat the new mother of their children

@bjjgirl

Your Dh has a child with his ex so yabu, massively. She will always have a relationship with him, she is the mother of his child, there may be times when they need to talk/ drop off and picks up.

You should be greatful he is nice to his ex as he may be nice to you if you also split up, it says a lot about how they treat the new mother of their children

This is balls. Conversations do not need to take place inside ops home.

there may be times when they need to talk/ drop off and picks up.

It's 2021. Phone, email, zoom.

[quote Getyourarseofffthequattro]@saraclara op didn't cause their parents to break up, did she? So why are you blaming her?

This thread is a brilliant advert for what people actually think of step mums.[/quote]
I'm actually one of the first to defend step mums on here. Feel free to search.

But I can't imagine telling a child who wants their other parent to see something in their bedroom, that the parent isn't allowed in their home. At all. Not even for the minute it takes to show them their new duvet cover or the picture they painted which is on their wall. That's no way for a child to live.

I would say you're obviously quite lucky then @saraclara if you literally can't imagine it.

@SamosaSammy I completely agree with your post. I wonder how many of us have been that child and had a new step parent and that’s why we view it in a certain way. It’s a tricky thing to go through. I’m sure being a step parent or a parent with a new partner/spouse is tricky too but it’s different when you’re a child. No judgment on your particular situation op as I don’t know you or the people involved, and I can’t judge whether you’re being unreasonable or not. Just an observation that blended families can be hard for children who obviously have less/no say in the situation and maybe adults can endure a bit of uncomfortableness (to a certain extent) to keep their worlds a little less confusing.

My DC (4) was v sick recently with a bad virus and missed contact with their DF. He popped round with a magazine and bag of toys and ended up coming in to sit by them on the sofa and go through them until they dozed off. My DH was here, it’s his house he owns outright and he didn’t make a peep- he was glad DC saw their DF and perked up a bit. He’s not fond of my ExH as there was infidelity on his part but it never crossed his mind to be anything but welcoming because clearly the child’s needs were most important to all the adults at that point.

I’m an ex and also a SM.
My ex comes into my home with DP because we’re friendly to both DP and I.
He has never been up to DS’s bedroom as I feel going upstairs in my home is crossing a boundary I’m not comfortable with. I do allow him in to the kitchen or living room though if he’s waiting for DS to put his shoes on for example.

DP’s Ex is not allowed in our home though. She’s rude, hostile and verbally abusive to DP and I.

She also massively took advantage when DP let her use his washing machine when hers was broken when we still lived separately. She was letting herself in using the kids’ keys whenever she felt like it for weeks… moved items around, rifled through post and we also suspect she stole some expensive hair straighteners of mine.

His kids aren’t stupid and are aware of how their mum behaves so have never asked if she can come in. If they want to show her their new bedding / wallpaper or whatever then they’re free to FaceTime her, but she is not welcome inside our home.

@SamosaSammy

OK, children's wants take precedence over the wants of the owner of the house...... Got it

Children's wants?!

Mummy and daddy split up then they both decide to marry/shack up with another person that you didn't choose but who you have to live with too, then there's a new sibling that you don't live with...

All completely beyond their control and none of those events are to do with the child's wants, usually the very opposite and they simply have to lump it whether they like new step mum or dad or not.

The very least the adults in these scenarios can do is consider their feelings if they want to show mummy their new bedroom or whatever. It's pretty minimal compared to what they've had to accept.

100%

@Yuppie20

This makes me quite sad actually, I'm still with the father of my child and maybe I'm just being naive but the thought things could be so hostile when my child could live half there is a bit meh really. Life is too short for that sort of drama. I would like to think if we both went our separate ways we could maintain a good relationship for the sake of our child. I certainly ly would never ban him from my house even if I was with someone else, how awful for the children involved I think.

But yes I know I'm being naive

Not naive at all. It's perfectly possible.

I cannot believe how much projection & ridiculous hypothesising about duvet covers and standing around in the rain there is on this thread!
I'm an exw & exh and I use these amazing mobile phone contraptions to communicate about our dc! Neither of us has any interest in hanging around in driveways discussing our kids & I have no interest in going into their house and disrupting their evening routines. If dc ever wanted to show me something they had in their dads house (very rare) they'd take a photo.
When my dc were small I walked them to exh's front door in the rain if I had to. I wore a rain coat - no need to head in out of the storm for a bit of shelter!
I would never impose on my dcs sm but if she thought I was and had asked me to stop I would have, as that's her prerogative and if she wanted a fresh space for herself I would have respected that.
If op is feeling the need to protect her space then it's a fair assumption that the exw is being pushy & therefore it is actually the exw causing any distress to the dc by not being respectful enough of op's boundaries.
Furthermore my dc have a home with me & have never felt the need to show me their rooms at dads as they have rooms with me & vice versa.
We all get on just fine but we have good basic boundaries which has only served to benefit the dc.

I would not make a purchase of any kind with anyone who thought it reasonable to tell me who I could or could not admit in a property for which I was paying half. I would expect that if we had s difference of opinion we would discuss it and try to reach an agreement. If we could not reach an agreement, I would take that as a serious indicator that perhaps we should not live together. I would certainly not purchase a property together.

Absent some serious history of physical abuse /domestic violence, I would expect my partner to be mature enough to handle a 3 to 5 minute exchange in our home.

OK I get the coming to the door with small DC who need help with bags and coats but surely most children can walk to and from a front door to a car parked on a driveway?! If the adults need to talk surely that's best away from the DC if something major or if its about parties/activities for the weekend it could be discussed via text during the week?

There is also a massive disparity in people's attitudes I have had my exh new dp and her daughter in my hallway waiting for my children and my exh came to the door recently after I had my ds and asked if everything went well and if he could see ds for which he came in and saw the baby and commented how he looks like his siblings. However my dps ex is not the same. She doesn't wish us well or want to get on for the sake of the children. In fact she withholds contact tells her dd lies and things she definitely shouldn't be saying to a 5 year old. I wouldn't want her anywhere near me or my ds my other children or my home.

It's the same with other people isn't it I might not like a family member or one of dps friends but can accept them into my home becayse of who they are but if said person had form for bad mouthing me making me feel uncomfortable and being generally toxic my DP would be backing me in saying I don't want them in the house. My mils partner is an example of that and we're nc with him but not her.

Op, there is nothing wrong with your request you do not have to tolerate shit you're not comfortable with because he has an ex and kids with her but you do need to iron these things out pronto. Do not listen to the 'you knew what you was getting into' brigade who insist the stepchild come way way above you in the pecking order and everything just must revolve around them regardless of your feelings to your DCs feeling.

[quote Allsorts1]@MrsTerryPratchett I agree. It doesn’t seem massively mature if there isn’t a back story about why the ex wife would be unsafe/unwelcome - apart from general ex wife vibes. And to make it a blanket rule “never in my house” seems to invite drama - I’m sure she wouldn’t be coming over loads anyway, but on occasion maybe her children want their mum to see their bedroom, or there might be a particular reason, say school issues, that there needs to be a conversation about the DSC over a cup of tea rather than standing on the doorstep.

Why get worked up over that - surely it’s part and parcel of being a step-parent?

(As long as ex wife isn’t abusive - and the update that the reason being she allegedly read her exH’s mail when they were together doesn’t meet the bar to me, especially considering he is fine with her in the house)[/quote]
The bar for what is considered abusive by the ex wife changes dramatically when it's abuse received by step mum, it would appear.

As a mum if my ex and new partner moved in and he said can we do front-door drop offs, I would be ok with it because I respect boundaries and it's also her home too and I respect her 🤷🏼‍♀️

I don't think giving birth to a child means I get to poke around in someone's house/post for next 18 years.

Why would I want to agitate the situation further ? There's enough disruption I want calm for my DD and if she wants to show me something send me a photo, zoom ect

@AnneLovesGilbert

My comment relates only to this scenario, where there is no abuse mentioned. not every situation. Of course I don’t think that children’s wants trump everything, you got all indignant over something in your head.