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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Am I being unreasonable by not wanting my partners ex in our house we are buying together?

248 replies

catmum789 · 09/11/2021 15:45

I am pregnant with my first baby and my partner has a child already with his ex wife, we are in the process of buying a house together, 50/50 bills etc and I said that I didn't want his ex wife coming in to the house, I thought this was perfectly reasonable because it's my safe space where I will be raising my baby and I don't want to be on edge constantly that it has to be spotless so she doesn't come in and judge. (Also a side note, my partner doesn't go in to his ex's and her new partners house.) My partner then got annoyed with me and said I was being unreasonable but I don't think I am. help :(

OP posts:
Thatsplentyjack · 09/11/2021 20:30

Unless there has been friction and youndont really get along, I don't see why it would make you sk uncomfortable.

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/11/2021 20:32

Do you have to justify why you don't want someone in your home? Of course not.

I probably would if it's a loved relative or friend of someone that lives there. Which this is.

Catquestion · 09/11/2021 20:36

When you have a partner with children, they need to be considered and should be the priority.

YANBU for how you feel and wanting your house to be an ex free zone but....If they children have been used to their mum coming into their home and that’s worked for them then it would be a bit harsh on them for that to suddenly change, along with the house move and having a new sibling, and I think YWBU to veto the ex coming into the house....unless there’s a massive backstory. I think these are conversations that, ideally, should be had prior to having children or buying a house with a partner who already has children.

If the children aren’t bothered about it, and it’s just for your partner and his ex’s benefit that she comes into the house then YANBU.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 09/11/2021 20:38

@MrsTerryPratchett

Do you have to justify why you don't want someone in your home? Of course not.

I probably would if it's a loved relative or friend of someone that lives there. Which this is.

If you feel you have to justify it that's up to you but nobody else has to. It's her home.
MrsTerryPratchett · 09/11/2021 20:40

It's her home.

It's the children's home too and this is their mother.

I don't like my SIL very much but she's DH's sister so yes, I'd have to justify not allowing her in the house. Children are actually human so their feelings should be considered.

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/11/2021 20:41

Is it just you that gets a veto @Getyourarseofffthequattro or can any family member unilaterally ban people?

Woodmarsh · 09/11/2021 20:43

OK so OPs justification is it makes her feel uncomfortable and quite frankly that's enough of a reason

gogohm · 09/11/2021 20:45

In my opinion unless there's abuse then it's so much easier to just chill about these things, my ex comes into my house, dps ex comes in, we've even stayed at my ex's house together... life is too short to be grumpy about these things

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/11/2021 20:47

@Woodmarsh

OK so OPs justification is it makes her feel uncomfortable and quite frankly that's enough of a reason
What if all her children's friends made her feel this? All her DH's friends and family?

At what point does one family member dictate to all the rest in THEIR home?

Mediocrates · 09/11/2021 20:47

@MrsTerryPratchett

It's her home.

It's the children's home too and this is their mother.

I don't like my SIL very much but she's DH's sister so yes, I'd have to justify not allowing her in the house. Children are actually human so their feelings should be considered.

Agree with this. Also, I'd feel like a right dick saying to my kids (or step children) "sorry guys, your other parent can't see your new bedroom/dolls house/Christmas tree because I don't really like them"

LethargicActress · 09/11/2021 20:52

What made you feel the need to say this to your DH? Is there some suggestion of her spending time there, or any reason why you’re worried about his ex wanting to come in?

Thatsplentyjack · 09/11/2021 20:54

She might not even want to comenin, but will you be the one to tell her no if the kids want her to come in and see something?

Bluntness100 · 09/11/2021 20:54

What’s brought this up op? And what’s caused you to need a safe space? Has something traumatic happened?

Woodmarsh · 09/11/2021 20:55

If it was all people that made her feel uncomfortable then that would be unusual and unreasonable. Feeling uncomfortable with your partners ex is pretty common and not unreasonable

I'd be interested in OP c coming back with more information and back ground. I'm surprised it's even a debate. My OHs ex doesn't come into our house and no one questions it, certainly not my OH

HeartsAndClubs · 09/11/2021 20:55

Is it just me who is uncomfortable with the constant use of the phrase “safe space”? Obviously unless there’s. A drip feed coming then using the term safe space is up there with “be kind” to make people think that they shouldn’t question.

I’ve seen this more and more on threads recently. Last night there was even one asking for a “safe space” to discuss telling her 2 and 4 year olds that Santa isn’t real. Hmm

Re the ex coming in, no I don’t think the OP and the OP alone have complete say on this. The house is the children’s home too. If the OP tells them their mother can’t come in, then surely that means they should be allowed to ban any relative of the OP’s that they don’t like from entering their home?

I am an ex and I have no desire to set foot in my ex’s house. It wouldn’t even occur to me tbh. But my ex has been in my house. Not regularly, and usually he specifically stays at the door. But there have been occasions when he’s been in, and it wouldn’t even occur to me to ask my DP’s permission to allow him in. It’s not as if I’m asking him to stay the night is it? When he comes in it’s for the benefit of the DC. The DC whose home it is as much as it is mine.

KurtWilde · 09/11/2021 20:56

@MrsTerryPratchett

It's her home.

It's the children's home too and this is their mother.

I don't like my SIL very much but she's DH's sister so yes, I'd have to justify not allowing her in the house. Children are actually human so their feelings should be considered.

Agree with this. I'm not a fan of my exh but if our DC want to show him something new they've got etc there's no way on Earth I'd say no he can't go into your room and look at it Confused
sandy354 · 09/11/2021 20:57

@Getyourarseofffthequattro so would it be okay for OPs DP to ban one of her friends from coming in the house for no reason?

So I'm not sure saying OP doesn't have a justifiable reason, we don't know. But if a house is owned 50/50 both parties should have an equal say. Otherwise it's a bit controlling imho

SpaceshiptoMars · 09/11/2021 21:05

Bit of a difference between an exh and an exw. And since when did the step-kids pay the mortgage?

Many of the step-mums on this forum own the home that the new family live in. The DPs name is not on the deeds.

Original poster
catmum789 · 09/11/2021 21:09

Hello, sorry I am new to this and didn’t know how to reply to a post!

To add some more information: I referred to the term safe space as I have come from a background where I didn’t feel safe in my own home with my parents so I want to have that for my children. My DPs ex wife was very controlling when she was with him also, she used to open his post and was very jealous and controlling so I want our home to be somewhere where we can be comfortable and I am not worrying about posting one of his letters on to the fridge and her looking.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 09/11/2021 21:21

YANBU at all. We all need our home to feel comfortable and safe.

Have you pointed out to him that he's not allowed in her house and if so, what did he say?

You say she's controlling. It may very well be that he is still sort of subconsciously conditioned to not tell her no or to have any kind of confrontation with her. Or is he afraid that she will stop him from seeing their DC?

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 09/11/2021 21:25

[quote sandy354]@Getyourarseofffthequattro so would it be okay for OPs DP to ban one of her friends from coming in the house for no reason?

So I'm not sure saying OP doesn't have a justifiable reason, we don't know. But if a house is owned 50/50 both parties should have an equal say. Otherwise it's a bit controlling imho [/quote]
His friend presumably wasn't in a relationship with him. It's clearly different Hmm

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 09/11/2021 21:27

@MrsTerryPratchett

Is it just you that gets a veto *@Getyourarseofffthequattro* or can any family member unilaterally ban people?
Any adult can, obviously. Why would you want your partner to feel uncomfortable in their own home Confused
MrsTerryPratchett · 09/11/2021 21:28

His friend presumably wasn't in a relationship with him. It's clearly different

I'd better tell my BF her DH isn't allowed in my house since I snogged him 30 years ago. Oh, and my other friend. And my DH's BF's DW's sister. She's out too.

However, since the OP has clarified that the ex is controlling and exhibits worrying behaviour, there's her reasonable reason.

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/11/2021 21:28

I also get to ban my SIL. Yay!!!

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/11/2021 21:29

And BIL and FIL and DH's other BF. All pains in the arse. So my home can be 'comfortable'.