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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Am I being unreasonable by not wanting my partners ex in our house we are buying together?

248 replies

catmum789 · 09/11/2021 15:45

I am pregnant with my first baby and my partner has a child already with his ex wife, we are in the process of buying a house together, 50/50 bills etc and I said that I didn't want his ex wife coming in to the house, I thought this was perfectly reasonable because it's my safe space where I will be raising my baby and I don't want to be on edge constantly that it has to be spotless so she doesn't come in and judge. (Also a side note, my partner doesn't go in to his ex's and her new partners house.) My partner then got annoyed with me and said I was being unreasonable but I don't think I am. help :(

OP posts:
Getyourarseofffthequattro · 09/11/2021 21:29

@MrsTerryPratchett

I also get to ban my SIL. Yay!!!
Well if she makes you feel uncomfortable in your own home then you probably have good reason to?
Getyourarseofffthequattro · 09/11/2021 21:30

@MrsTerryPratchett

And BIL and FIL and DH's other BF. All pains in the arse. So my home can be 'comfortable'.
I'm sure it's all those people and not you.
Wooky8 · 09/11/2021 21:37

Uf I ever split and my husband was with another person, I'd hope we could all get along or at least be civil, for the children at least. If I wasn't allowed into the house, I'd be rather offended and think that it was very immature. Unless there's been tension and upset, I don't see why you wouldn't want to have a positive relationship given that there's a child involved.

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/11/2021 21:39

Why doesn’t he care what you think? Don’t feel obliged to go ahead with the house purchase just because you’re pregnant if he doesn’t respect you’ll be an equal partner in it.

No chance in hell DH would want his ex on our footpath never mind over the door step so I’ve never had to worry about it but I wouldn’t have wanted her here either and that sort of thing isn’t up to the children, they’re not paying the mortgage, they don’t get to invite people over who the adults don’t like.

This will be OP’s baby’s only home. No need at all for this woman to ever be in it.

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/11/2021 21:40

I'm sure it's all those people and not you.

Who cares? It's my home.

jackiebenimble · 09/11/2021 21:41

Its a difficult one. I understand some of where you are coming from. However, you also have to have a set up where your stepchild feels like transitions are tension free and easy and where the adults are friendly. Thats part of what you have signed up to.
Also the reality of the front door being opened for long periods of time in the winter when you have a baby and all the heat pouring out is hard to manage. As is the stepchild saying mummy come and see my new x, bedroom, goldfish etc. And also if anyone ever asks to use the bathroom after a day trip.

I think its polite to accept your step sons mother at least into the hall. But perhaps that should be your limit. If she doesn't behave then you can take it back to the door step. I tend to be overly nice and hospital to annoy her ha!

Your stepchilds mother isnt going to hurt you or your baby. The reality is you are both probably constantly judging each other.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 09/11/2021 21:42

@MrsTerryPratchett

I'm sure it's all those people and not you.

Who cares? It's my home.

Of course, never disputed that, ban who you like.

It's just that you come on threads like this just to be difficult, presumably no different in RL.

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/11/2021 21:44

I'm a joy in real life.

😇

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 09/11/2021 21:44

@MrsTerryPratchett

I'm a joy in real life.

😇

I'm sure. Confused
Justilou1 · 09/11/2021 21:44

The fact that he is disregarding your feelings so vehemently - especially when his are so strong about YOUR ex tells me that HE might also be very controlling @catmum789.
Please think very carefully if this happens in other areas.
Are you genuinely an EQUAL partner?

SamosaSammy · 09/11/2021 21:47

Hmm. Will be interesting when sdc wants to show mummy their new brother or sister. I mean you could always dangle the baby out of a window or something so that the witch doesn't breach your 'safe space'.

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/11/2021 21:48

However, you also have to have a set up where your stepchild feels like transitions are tension free and easy and where the adults are friendly. Thats part of what you have signed up to.

Where does OP say that? It takes 2 parents to make transitions tension free, easy and friendly.

There was nothing DH could ever have done to manage that with his ex. The DC knew mum and dad weren’t friends as mum was incredibly unpleasant and inappropriate so the best he could hope for was drama free and that meant as little contact as possible and absolutely no going in each other’s houses.

Because she’s a pain in the arse he’s always done all of the driving despite her moving away, bar two incidents when he was just out of hospital or broken his foot, so even less reason for her to be anywhere near our home, or our child.

GoIntoTheLight · 09/11/2021 21:49

I think the children should be considered first here. If they want to show their mum their room or toys that should take precedence over your wants.

Senseofsomething · 09/11/2021 21:52

I’m an ex wife. Not evil. I consider myself nice as it happens.

Wouldn’t want to go in the house of my ex husband and his wife without good reason. I guess good reason might be if my DD wanted to show me something, or if we were having a conversation related to co-parenting. Or maybe just be be friendly. That might be nice. I don’t personally see the reason for an absolute ban on the ex wife EVER going in, unless she is actually a cow bag.

Ethelfromnumber73 · 09/11/2021 21:52

@GoIntoTheLight

I think the children should be considered first here. If they want to show their mum their room or toys that should take precedence over your wants.
Agree. And if the child is fairly young, I'd expect their mum to want to know where they'll be staying. As for the ex being 'controlling'....that's what they all say isn't it? Hmm
mobear · 09/11/2021 21:53

I have the same rule but DSC are adults. I think it becomes a bit trickier when children are involved.

SpaceshiptoMars · 09/11/2021 21:54

@GoIntoTheLight

I think the children should be considered first here. If they want to show their mum their room or toys that should take precedence over your wants.
OK, children's wants take precedence over the wants of the owner of the house...... Got it.

Your kids are going to be putting you in YOUR box soon enough. You do realize that?

pinkblood · 09/11/2021 21:55

Why does any ex need to go in the house. The answer is no she doesn't. Ppl saying they want to show off their new sibling or new room to mum why do they. Stick to your boundary OP, I'd be the same and the answer would be no.

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/11/2021 21:56

The thing is @Getyourarseofffthequattro it's not about being a spanner. That was me being facetious.

For me it's that the children have a home too. And their parents have decided to have a whole load of issues with each other. That means the children can't have their mum see their room. And that's really sad.

Magda72 · 09/11/2021 21:56

No it should not!
Yet another thread with a woman being told that she has NO right to her feelings & NO right to boundary her own home!
F**k that!
The world does not revolve around kids - step or own - & I'm sick to death of women being told on here that they are the Sh*t on the shoes of blended families!
Sorry for being crass but this attitude makes my blood boil.
The dc will survive without mum having to see inside their home with dad & op!!!

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 09/11/2021 21:56

@SamosaSammy

Hmm. Will be interesting when sdc wants to show mummy their new brother or sister. I mean you could always dangle the baby out of a window or something so that the witch doesn't breach your 'safe space'.
Why does that ever need to happen Confused I mean dps ex wanted my baby to die so of course she never met him but I can't imagine why she would need to even if we were civil.
Getyourarseofffthequattro · 09/11/2021 21:58

@MrsTerryPratchett

The thing is *@Getyourarseofffthequattro* it's not about being a spanner. That was me being facetious.

For me it's that the children have a home too. And their parents have decided to have a whole load of issues with each other. That means the children can't have their mum see their room. And that's really sad.

It might be sad, but it's the reality. It's also sad that someone should have to accept having someone in their home who makes them uncomfortable.

The kids get to go home to their mum. The op has only one home.

Magda72 · 09/11/2021 21:58

It's not really sad @MrsTerryPratchett! They have rooms at their mums & I'm sure they understand that they have two houses!
What would be really sad is them living in tents in a refugee camp having lost their home!

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 09/11/2021 21:59

Absolutely not, put your foot down.

SamosaSammy · 09/11/2021 22:03

OK, children's wants take precedence over the wants of the owner of the house...... Got it

Children's wants?!

Mummy and daddy split up then they both decide to marry/shack up with another person that you didn't choose but who you have to live with too, then there's a new sibling that you don't live with...

All completely beyond their control and none of those events are to do with the child's wants, usually the very opposite and they simply have to lump it whether they like new step mum or dad or not.

The very least the adults in these scenarios can do is consider their feelings if they want to show mummy their new bedroom or whatever. It's pretty minimal compared to what they've had to accept.