AIBU to just think FUCK OFF and let me enjoy my child?!

[Flainling]

My husband is always making me (or trying at least) feel guilty for just doing basic things with my child. Even accusing me of "pushing SC out" when I've done nothing of the sort.

He is only 10 months old. He's my first and my last.

Things have included:

• Making a photo album of DS. Not some big extravagant family craft activity where DSC are forced to glue pictures of their younger sibling into an album on a Saturday. Just me, doing it myself in the evening.

• taking my son out to little places with my family / to visit family and not taking everyone with me all the time. There have been a few unexpected days recently where DSC stayed with us when they wouldn't normally and I had plans with family. I didn't immediately change these to also take along DSC so I'm awful and "making it obvious I only want to spend time with my son".

• ordering a few pictures for our bedroom of DS for a photo frame my Mum got me for my birthday and putting it up on my dressing table. There are pictures of DSC up in the house as well but apparently there are more of DS and this is terrible (it's in our bedroom which none of the kids come in ).

• apparently just generally a bit obsessive with DS and I make it "obvious" I care more about him. Fucking yes I'm a bit obsessive. He's my first baby. Am I not allowed?!

• setting up a savings account (from my own personal money) which me and my family pay into for DS when DSC don't have one, as if that's up to me?!

There are more but I can't think right now.

AIBU to just think or even say FUCK OFF now and just let me enjoy my baby in peace ffs. It's like I'm not allowed to consider this my first child at all without "pushing DSC out". I don't even know what be means by that. I'm as kind as I always have been to DSC, who absolutely adore their brother too. But I'm not their mum and don't act like it nor do I wish to (or ever have?!).

It's really starting to piss me off. It's like I can't just do anything for my son without always thinking like this.

It actually sounds like YABU to me. You can't just take your own child out on a day out without your stepchild, regardless of planning in advance. Stop thinking about your DH and think how genuinely left out and pushed to one side your stepchild feels, you have a duty to invite them fully into your family if you've chosen to be with a man with other children, not necessarily savings accounts but photos and days out absolutely

Honestly I think the weirdest thing about this set up is that you're paying into your baby's savings account from your money rather than the joint account!

I’ve had all this. I’ve got lots of photo books of my dd, sentimental things, memory boxes and photos in nice frames. Dh hasn’t done these things for his children and neither has his exes. Not my problem. If he’s that bothered let him spend his leisure time doing them. This sort of thing takes time, effort and love. In addition, life doesn’t stop when dsc are absent. You can enjoy as many days out with your child as you want. Ignore and carry on

To simplify things a bit - if we take the step children out of the equation for a moment OP - the other mother and the other children - do you think you and your DPs different parenting styles would have caused a problem?

Is this really all about equality, or would you two have been clashing over savings accounts and albums and 'spoiling'? Is this why he and his ex fell out perhaps?

In other words, even if this baby was his first too, i'm thinking that the two of you would have clashed on parenting styles. How would you both have worked that out?

With the bank accounts thing why don’t you suggest to him that he have a think about a financial gesture he as a father would like to do for each of his 3 children - perhaps paying for driving lessons when they are older for example. Or a set amount of money each to go towards university fees or living expenses as a student. Or some money to use as a rental deposit. A useful thing that the kids will all see and know about and that shows them he thinks of them all as deserving the same support from him as their father. Obviously this is something he should figure out himself, but he’s clearly imagining you and him as a financial unit with 3 children to think of, when actually you’re thinking is that as a blended family it’s a little more complex than that.
If the photo frame on the bedside table is going to cause you grief you could consider including one photo of your son with his siblings - so it’s still a photo collage of your son, but there’s an acknowledgement that your stepkids are part of your son’s family.

@kritigirl

What strikes me as a couple of others have said, is that you don't seem to be parenting the new baby together. It's all about you and your family and what you want for the baby. You are both parents, surely his opinion matters as well when it comes to bringing up the child you have together? It sounds like you have taken over how your baby is raised. The rest of it, I think is fine, you have done nothing wrong as regards the DSC.

I actually disagree. I don't force him to do things he doesn't want to do. But I also don't see why that means I can't do them if I want to? I have accepted if I want to do the days out and things like that then it's likely not going to be with him but either by myself or with my family instead because it's not how he does things.

@EvenRosesHaveThorns

It actually sounds like YABU to me. You can't just take your own child out on a day out without your stepchild, regardless of planning in advance. Stop thinking about your DH and think how genuinely left out and pushed to one side your stepchild feels, you have a duty to invite them fully into your family if you've chosen to be with a man with other children, not necessarily savings accounts but photos and days out absolutely

Why didn’t the dad take his child out since stepmum already had plans? Seems odd you expect the actual parent to just get some free time and the stepmum to do the last minute childcare

The title of the thread sums you up quite a bit as well.
‘fuck off and let me enjoy MY child’

@shylatte

I can totally see his point and yours. Imagine if you are the one with previous children and you had a new baby. Your dp sits in the evening making an album of his baby, takes his baby off to visit family alone, sets up a savings account for his baby. Nothing wrong with that per se, it's his first baby and obviously he is more attached to it. However, it sends a message to you (and over time the dsc) that you are not a family unit, where the children are equal.

You should totally expect that sort of behaviour and should in no way be upset by your partner not viewing your children as you do.

I would take along dsc + DH too (unless he had other plans) . You are now an extended blended family. By taking him along, you're giving him a message of unity. By not taking him the message is, my family, my child, me, a seperate family within family. Of course also depends on how long you're together etc but assuming long, given you're married.

Whereas I'd expect DH, who was in part repsonsible for the change of arrangements, to take his kids. do something with them, have a nice time with them without stepmum and sib. Dad an kids time.

I am not sure why anyne would expect OP and her family to constantly change their arrangements to accommodate the seemingly ever changing decsions by DH and his ex.

Why is it always the stepmum that has to do the extra mileage? She is allowed to love her own child far, far more than stepkids. Allowed to want to have all the usual pfb moments without anyone laying on a guilt trip!

Well, there was a reason his relationship with dsc Mum ended. Is that reason because he is a knob?

He has always had a bit of a different parenting style to me. I knew that even before we had DC. He is much more hands off than I plan to be / would want to be in the sense that he doesn't think things like savings are important. Isn't big on spending money on big trips out, happy to settle for a nice walk instead that kind of thing. Would never have thought about a photo album or things like that, doesn't think kids need to be spoilt, he thinks parents pander far too much these days etc...

This is what’s eating him then. Your parenting styles are conflicted. Did you discuss these differences before your DC came along and work out a way of compromising?

Others on here are saying he’s a lazy parent. Do you think that’s true?

Or does he put energy in, but in a different, less showy way?

You are going to find it an uphill battle if you have got conflicting parenting styles as DC gets older. Once they are 2/3 and pushing boundaries if you aren’t working as a team it’s going to be confusing for your kid if they get different rules from each of you, and kid may well start trying to play you off each other, learning how to manipulate.
You have a window now to think ahead and get some kind of compromises thought through.

@Staryflight445

The title of the thread sums you up quite a bit as well. ‘fuck off and let me enjoy MY child’

Yes!

A woman who has one child, will only ever have one child who wants what every other mother has. Time to be that first time mum with her pfb.

Her DH has had that time. He doesn't get to prevent her from having it. And if he is as hands off as she says, then yes, HER child!

@Staryflight445

‘ taking my son out to little places with my family / to visit family and not taking everyone with me all the time. There have been a few unexpected days recently where DSC stayed with us when they wouldn't normally and I had plans with family. I didn't immediately change these to also take along DSC so I'm awful and "making it obvious I only want to spend time with my son".’ ^^

Surely you can see here that spending time with your family with your child is more important to you than your child spending more time with their siblings?

No, both are important. And we do lots of both.

@Justilou1

In other words, when he swaps with his ex, he doesn’t consult with you, but expects you to do all the childcare duties for HIS kid, gets the shits when you have other things planned, and instead of actually admitting this and being accountable, he gaslights and comes up with all kinds of other shit to try and make you feel/look like YOU’RE neglecting DSC. I think I know why he and ex broke up. He’s a lazy parent and crap partner.

This seems to me to be the most accurate summary of the situation.

I meant fuck off guilt tripping me for enjoying my first child. Not literally fuck off as in leave.

@Igneo

He has always had a bit of a different parenting style to me. I knew that even before we had DC. He is much more hands off than I plan to be / would want to be in the sense that he doesn't think things like savings are important. Isn't big on spending money on big trips out, happy to settle for a nice walk instead that kind of thing. Would never have thought about a photo album or things like that, doesn't think kids need to be spoilt, he thinks parents pander far too much these days etc...

This is what’s eating him then. Your parenting styles are conflicted. Did you discuss these differences before your DC came along and work out a way of compromising?

Others on here are saying he’s a lazy parent. Do you think that’s true?

Or does he put energy in, but in a different, less showy way?

You are going to find it an uphill battle if you have got conflicting parenting styles as DC gets older. Once they are 2/3 and pushing boundaries if you aren’t working as a team it’s going to be confusing for your kid if they get different rules from each of you, and kid may well start trying to play you off each other, learning how to manipulate.
You have a window now to think ahead and get some kind of compromises thought through.

With regards to parenting styles I'd say we are actually pretty similar when it comes to behaviour we expect and how to deal with it, rules in the house etc... but I am definitely more affectionate than him, and I will enjoy spoiling DS more than he would, taking him out places etc.. I never really considered it a problem. I accepted it would likely just be me doing these things with DS because he doesn't want to/enjoy it like I do but in terms of the rules/boundaries etc.. we are quite similar.

@SpaceshiptoMars

I think you're more vulnerable to this because you are SAHM. Are you planning to return to work?

What? Her baby is 10 months old, I'd assume she's on maternity leave, which is fine.

He can't expect you to feel the same about your step child as your child... it's completely unreasonable.

Presumably when his other children were born, their parents did all these things, or had the opportunity to do them if they wanted.

Don't let his lack of engagement with his other kids prevent you from enjoying yours.

Sounds like everyone is happy in your family except DH. Carry on OP. You seem to have a good relationship with DSC and it's great that they love their little brother.

You should not limit savings or photos in your space of your DC - of course your most precious thing!

As for the day out - even in non blended families if one parent had tickets for an activity with youngest while the older ones had plans, which then changed, the other parent would find something for them to do together. Ridiculous to suggest you should have taken them when he had agreed to the day change and was there to spend time with them.

He sounds like hard work why is he having children when he clearly doesn't want to parent them

Changes plans and expects you to drop everything and prioritise him and his children over existing plans

Doesn't think about the future

Trying to drag you down to his level instead of raising his game and matching yours

He is right the children will notice and he will be the one they look down on not you

I also think he can't say he doesn't think these things are important but then moan at me for not doing them for DSC. Are they important or not? If so, why isn't he doing them?

I think go ahead and tell him to fuck off with the comments. If you’re making him feel bad because he’s not doing these things for his dc then he could fix that by starting rather than taking it out on you, and if he and ex didn’t constantly rearrange the schedule then you could plan better but they do and you are doing the best you can, you’re a good mum, you do a lot for the sdc but you didn’t grow them and they have a great mum.
I’d literally just say all that.

Surely you can see here that spending time with your family with your child is more important to you than your child spending more time with their siblings?

What a weird comment. Hate to shock you but spending time with my family IS more important than my child spending time with their sibling, to me. It isn't to my DP but there isn't anything unusual about time with OP's family being more important to her than time with her DH's.

In this case, she made pre booked plans with her family when her DSC were not arranged to be there. She can't bring them along at the last minute, that's how it goes with step children, you have to arrange ahead of time when they are going to be in each house or they will likely miss out on things that have been planned.