AIBU to just think FUCK OFF and let me enjoy my child?!

[Flainling]

My husband is always making me (or trying at least) feel guilty for just doing basic things with my child. Even accusing me of "pushing SC out" when I've done nothing of the sort.

He is only 10 months old. He's my first and my last.

Things have included:

• Making a photo album of DS. Not some big extravagant family craft activity where DSC are forced to glue pictures of their younger sibling into an album on a Saturday. Just me, doing it myself in the evening.

• taking my son out to little places with my family / to visit family and not taking everyone with me all the time. There have been a few unexpected days recently where DSC stayed with us when they wouldn't normally and I had plans with family. I didn't immediately change these to also take along DSC so I'm awful and "making it obvious I only want to spend time with my son".

• ordering a few pictures for our bedroom of DS for a photo frame my Mum got me for my birthday and putting it up on my dressing table. There are pictures of DSC up in the house as well but apparently there are more of DS and this is terrible (it's in our bedroom which none of the kids come in ).

• apparently just generally a bit obsessive with DS and I make it "obvious" I care more about him. Fucking yes I'm a bit obsessive. He's my first baby. Am I not allowed?!

• setting up a savings account (from my own personal money) which me and my family pay into for DS when DSC don't have one, as if that's up to me?!

There are more but I can't think right now.

AIBU to just think or even say FUCK OFF now and just let me enjoy my baby in peace ffs. It's like I'm not allowed to consider this my first child at all without "pushing DSC out". I don't even know what be means by that. I'm as kind as I always have been to DSC, who absolutely adore their brother too. But I'm not their mum and don't act like it nor do I wish to (or ever have?!).

It's really starting to piss me off. It's like I can't just do anything for my son without always thinking like this.

You sound very segregated from each other you and your baby yout dh and his kids. Do you do anything together as a family unit? If not I could see why from the kids pov their brother gets to do fun things regardless if it lead from you kids don't understand.

He's being ridiculous op.

My husband isn't the father of my first two , but is he father of my third. He holds the savings account for my third child , and also keeps a photo of him on his desk. It's really no big deal to me because the house is covered with photos of all three. And my eldest two have accounts that I set up many years ago. Basically , he's fatherly towards my eldest two , but doesn't parent them as they already have a dad. And I think that's right.

I agree with pps in that your partner wants you to do the parenting for all of the kids , for him. As he can't be arsed. They have a mother , they just need you to be kind and motherly , which it sounds like you are.

You're fine op. He is the problem here.

OP had already said that these outings were booked and arranged as baby/toddler friendly activities with her DS's grandparents. It's ridiculous to expect her to cancel and let them down. The Dad's own father is at home with them, yet expects OP to take them and be the parent here?

OP enjoy your dc. As you say you'll never get that time back.
Make it clear to your dh that if he changes a day with his dc then that's on him and if you have other plans you'll stick to them.
I'm not a sm but I know that I would never love other dc like my own. Nature makes us like that so we will protect them.
The pp's on here expecting you to treat dsc like your own are ridiculous. Of course you should care about them and their welfare but the parental love will come from their mum and dad.
This is why your dh is cross, he loves his dc all the same and expects you to as well. But you never will. There's a reason they say blood is thicker than water.

DSC will be treated the same by their mother when they are at home. They don't need you to do the same.

I am exactly the same with my children and my DH hasn't said anything or made it an issue. He knows I love my SC and SC are happy when they are at our house, I don't need to be a second mother for them.

Your baby deserves to be special to you and not have to be forgotten about because of the precious SC

It's a bit of a perfect storm really isn't it?

You show your love in visible ways (pictures, physical treats)

He shows love in less visible ways.

If it was just the two of you with a baby it wouldn't matter. You can do you, he can do him and DS gets the best of both styles.

However, when step kids spend time in the house as well, more visible demonstrations/actions/artefacts, (what ever you want to call them) of love for just one of the children does start to matter.

@EvenRosesHaveThorns

It actually sounds like YABU to me. You can't just take your own child out on a day out without your stepchild, regardless of planning in advance. Stop thinking about your DH and think how genuinely left out and pushed to one side your stepchild feels, you have a duty to invite them fully into your family if you've chosen to be with a man with other children, not necessarily savings accounts but photos and days out absolutely

Of course she bloody can!

@Laiste

It's a bit of a perfect storm really isn't it?

You show your love in visible ways (pictures, physical treats)

He shows love in less visible ways.

If it was just the two of you with a baby it wouldn't matter. You can do you, he can do him and DS gets the best of both styles.

However, when step kids spend time in the house as well, more visible demonstrations/actions/artefacts, (what ever you want to call them) of love for just one of the children does start to matter.

This is something the parent needs to consider and weigh up before deciding to have another with somebody else. It isn't OPs responsibility to alter how she parents to avoid showing him up.

@Flainling

I also think he can't say he doesn't think these things are important but then moan at me for not doing them for DSC. Are they important or not? If so, why isn't he doing them?

My post was in response to this, plus posters saying the SC's mum does the stuff.

She may well do, but while they are young they might not understand why there is an imbalance at dad's.

Simply say:

"Your kids have a lovely mum who did, and does this stuff for them. DS deserves to have a mum who does them for him, too"

It isn't OPs responsibility to alter how she parents to avoid showing him up.

No, but a solution has to be reached really. Rather than just say OP is entitled to do as she pleases. OP has asked for help to resolve this after all.

Or does she literally want him to fuck off?!

Plus - if I ever dare to do anything thoughtful for SC before I had my children, I got horrible messages from their mum to be told I am not their mum and I shouldn't do things like that.
Fair enough, I understood the message and won't bother doing it!

To resolve a conflict you have to be able to see/acknowledge a problem.

I made a photo album of our DS and didn't include my DSC. Evil witch that I am. But then I didn't include my OWN DC in it either...

I had an argument with my DP recently about how I wouldn't look after his kids when he wanted to go out. I told him to ask their mother. They have two perfectly good parents, and I'm sure they'd rather be with her than me when he's not around.

@Flainling

I also think he can't say he doesn't think these things are important but then moan at me for not doing them for DSC. Are they important or not? If so, why isn't he doing them?

He thinks they are important - providing someone else is doing all the planning and work.

@Laiste

To resolve a conflict you have to be able to see/acknowledge a problem.

That goes for dad too, surely? In my mind he is the issue here. He wants equality but he doesn't want to do anything at all to achieve it.

Your husband is being a twat. I have 5 children (all with my husband) and it's my babies turn for me to do all those sorts of lovely things and I'm loving enjoying him as a baby.

I do things that are age appropriate with my older children.

I was the only child of a second marriage. My mum was very kind to my step sisters but obviously I was her daughter and she gave me much much more. They had their own mum. Financially I don't think that you are saying that your husband shouldn't contribute to his first marriage children. Arguably anything he puts in savings for them a similar amount should be put in by him for your child but I know some people would do it on household income (in which case you would be indirectly saving for his children).

Too late now op but this is exactly why I would never have children with someone that already has them with someone else. So much hurt. My dad died guilty I think.

I would write my husband a letter putting forward how you feel. It's far to easy for things like this to escalate and you may well end up resenting your step children if your husband carries on this path.

I can also see both sides here. I am stepmother to two girls, and when I fell pregnant with DS (the girls were 15 and 14 at the time) there was some appprehension, the younger one particularly I think felt worried (they both lived with us). We treaded carefully to make sure there was a balance (DS, my only biological child, was a very much wanted late "last chance" baby after multiple miscarriages, but I was careful from the outset to continue to make a lot of effort in my relationships with the DSDs). I would certainly put my hand on my heart to say I do not believe I love the DSDs any less than I love DS, but I think that may have been affected by the fact that I brought them up, not their mother, so it is a diffferent situation from many.

I had an argument with my DP recently about how I wouldn't look after his kids when he wanted to go out. I told him to ask their mother. They have two perfectly good parents, and I'm sure they'd rather be with her than me when he's not around.

Well done! Contact time is for him and his kids and not for you and his kids. So many men want to lump all the parenting on to the next woman.

OP, you’ve done absolutely nothing wrong. Is it possible your DH is just irritated because he’s actually ashamed that the efforts you’ve put into doing these things for your joint DC make him look a bit shit, as he hasn’t bothered to do them for DSC? If so, he needs to take a long hard look in the mirror, stop picking at what you’re doing and start concentrating on his own actions and what he can do to improve.

@Laiste

It isn't OPs responsibility to alter how she parents to avoid showing him up.

No, but a solution has to be reached really. Rather than just say OP is entitled to do as she pleases. OP has asked for help to resolve this after all.

Or does she literally want him to fuck off?!

Yes, the solution is HE needs to see he's the problem here and his expectations are unreasonable.

Why on earth does he expect you to love his kids the same as your own?

Totally different relationship, especially as their mother is alive, well and dedicated to them!

And as pp said, no need to say fuck off (although don't blame you for thinking it!) But he needs a few things pointing out to him.

I think you’re being entirely reasonable to want to enjoy special things with your baby and to be thinking ahead financially . The only part of it that I’m not so sure about is the photos on the wall. Just make sure each child is evenly represented because 1) it’s the sc’s home as well as yours and 2) it’s the kind of thing a child can easily count and conclude that you like them less because there are less photos of them and 3) don’t let your bedroom become a shrine to the youngest because I guarantee the older ones will snoop and it might feel weird to them if there’s an obvious imbalance.

As for the other stuff: of course sc should have savings accounts if baby does. Their dad can arrange it. Of course you can’t magic up more tickets, or can cancel, if sc suddenly appear on a day where you have plans. What you can do is involve them in the planning stage. ‘Hi kids, we’re planning to feed the ducks one day with baby and my parents. Do you want to join us or shall we arrange for a day when you’re not going to be around?’ If their plans then change but you offered them chance to come , and your arrangements can’t be changed, then it’s fine.

@MamDancer

I had an argument with my DP recently about how I wouldn't look after his kids when he wanted to go out. I told him to ask their mother. They have two perfectly good parents, and I'm sure they'd rather be with her than me when he's not around.

Well done! Contact time is for him and his kids and not for you and his kids. So many men want to lump all the parenting on to the next woman.

Exactly - plus, I have three children of my own, two of which I share 50/50 care with their father. When they come to me, I want to be able to spend my time with them.

I will maintain forever that if he cannot look after his kids for whatever reason, the next person in line to ask is their other parent.

"hands off Dad" sounds like a lazy arse. Is this why his previous marriage ended?

There is absolutely nothing stopping him framing pictures of his other children or setting up bank accounts for them. What he is actually saying is that he doesn't like being shown up and wants all his children to accept the same low standards.

Why are he and his ex switching and swapping dates without any consideration for you or discussion with you? Yes obviously emergencies arise at times and everyone has to muck in but he is expecting you to both put up with constant changes and then complaining when your plans don't work for his children.

I would start putting down some boundaries around all the plan changes and stop bending over backward to accommodate a slacker.