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Original poster

AIBU to just think FUCK OFF and let me enjoy my child?!

607 replies

Flainling · 02/11/2021 07:43

My husband is always making me (or trying at least) feel guilty for just doing basic things with my child. Even accusing me of "pushing SC out" when I've done nothing of the sort.

He is only 10 months old. He's my first and my last.

Things have included:

  • Making a photo album of DS. Not some big extravagant family craft activity where DSC are forced to glue pictures of their younger sibling into an album on a Saturday. Just me, doing it myself in the evening.
  • taking my son out to little places with my family / to visit family and not taking everyone with me all the time. There have been a few unexpected days recently where DSC stayed with us when they wouldn't normally and I had plans with family. I didn't immediately change these to also take along DSC so I'm awful and "making it obvious I only want to spend time with my son".
  • ordering a few pictures for our bedroom of DS for a photo frame my Mum got me for my birthday and putting it up on my dressing table. There are pictures of DSC up in the house as well but apparently there are more of DS and this is terrible (it's in our bedroom which none of the kids come in Confused ).
  • apparently just generally a bit obsessive with DS and I make it "obvious" I care more about him. Fucking yes I'm a bit obsessive. He's my first baby. Am I not allowed?!
  • setting up a savings account (from my own personal money) which me and my family pay into for DS when DSC don't have one, as if that's up to me?!

There are more but I can't think right now.

AIBU to just think or even say FUCK OFF now and just let me enjoy my baby in peace ffs. It's like I'm not allowed to consider this my first child at all without "pushing DSC out". I don't even know what be means by that. I'm as kind as I always have been to DSC, who absolutely adore their brother too. But I'm not their mum and don't act like it nor do I wish to (or ever have?!).

It's really starting to piss me off. It's like I can't just do anything for my son without always thinking like this.

OP posts:
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Original poster
Flainling · 02/11/2021 09:22

That being said, i find it strange that as a couple you would start a savings account for one child

Nothing was done as a couple. I set it up out of my personal account and my family pay into it. I only even mentioned it to him in passing. The point of us having these personal accounts was to spend some of our money on things we want without having to explain anything. This is what I want to spend my money on.

OP posts:
Justilou1 · 02/11/2021 09:25

In other words, when he swaps with his ex, he doesn’t consult with you, but expects you to do all the childcare duties for HIS kid, gets the shits when you have other things planned, and instead of actually admitting this and being accountable, he gaslights and comes up with all kinds of other shit to try and make you feel/look like YOU’RE neglecting DSC. I think I know why he and ex broke up. He’s a lazy parent and crap partner.

kritigirl · 02/11/2021 09:25

What strikes me as a couple of others have said, is that you don't seem to be parenting the new baby together. It's all about you and your family and what you want for the baby. You are both parents, surely his opinion matters as well when it comes to bringing up the child you have together? It sounds like you have taken over how your baby is raised. The rest of it, I think is fine, you have done nothing wrong as regards the DSC.

saraclara · 02/11/2021 09:25

The SCs have their own mother who does the same things for them as you do for yours. So they're equal in that.

Have you pointed out to him that his ex will have photos of them on her room, who have made baby books? Will take them out? Is your child expected not to have those things that they're lucky enough to have from/with their mum?

And FFS, tell him to open his own savings account for his kids. It's absolutely unreasonable for him to expect YOU to provide for their financial future when they have two parents of their own to do that.

Enough4me · 02/11/2021 09:25

OP remember legally if you haven't adopted them you are not a parent and all the posters on here saying that you should treat them equally are wrong. The DSC mum has rights and responsibilities that you don't, while your DS has you as his mum. The DSC mum can also have photos of them and make scrapbooks as can their dad, it shouldn't stop you putting photos wherever you like.

Ilovetheseventies · 02/11/2021 09:26

Do you think yr DP is just jealous and feels pushed out and he's just using the SC as an excuse.
I wouldn't let him influence what you are doing for yr own DC.
I think its awful that he is being so critical of you. This maybe the start of things to come. Just be very careful he seems very mean spirited

Username817391920384747 · 02/11/2021 09:27

Tell him to f off. Absolutely nothing wrong with doting on your OWN bloody child. Your life doesn’t have to revolve around his kids Confused

sociallydistained · 02/11/2021 09:27

This is ridiculous and my DP wouldn’t do this. Of course we are going to love OUR child more and want to enjoy that time. How annoying for you.

blink1eight2 · 02/11/2021 09:27

@SpaceshiptoMars

I think you're more vulnerable to this because you are SAHM. Are you planning to return to work?
Mumsnet bingo!
NellieBertram · 02/11/2021 09:28

@kritigirl

What strikes me as a couple of others have said, is that you don't seem to be parenting the new baby together. It's all about you and your family and what you want for the baby. You are both parents, surely his opinion matters as well when it comes to bringing up the child you have together? It sounds like you have taken over how your baby is raised. The rest of it, I think is fine, you have done nothing wrong as regards the DSC.
So because he isn’t interested in taking photos, opening savings accounts or doing day trips, the mum shouldn’t do it either?
Username817391920384747 · 02/11/2021 09:29

@FortunesFave

I could not leave a step sibling out and take my own baby out for a day trip. Nope. Seems mean.

Also...you know that having photos of your children in the bedroom is a bit odd? How can you enjoy sex with your kid looking at you!?

I’m sorry, what ?! 😂 what a freak
DoraMaude · 02/11/2021 09:29

Not once have you said 'our son'. In every post you say 'my son'. This is not a healthy dynamic for anyone.

Original poster
Flainling · 02/11/2021 09:31

I don’t really understand couples with children having separate finances, though

Most of our money is joint, we just have a small set amount as our own spending money in personal accounts. I was in an abusive situation previously, including financially, I like to have some personal money for this reason.

OP posts:
FreeBritnee · 02/11/2021 09:32

Does your stepchildren’s mother sit at night pasting photos of your son into a photo album alongside her own children? Does she organise days out with your child in mind? Does her family ensure they buy gifts for your son alongside their grandchildren?

EatSleepRantRepeat · 02/11/2021 09:32

It's absolutely a good idea to start saving now for your child's future. Ultimately, if you and DH ever split up do you think you'll see the DSC again? Apart from in the car at pickup? Frankly I'd be focusing on my own family when it comes to savings and investments, given the DSC could disappear overnight and you don't have parental rights to see them again.

FreeBritnee · 02/11/2021 09:33

@FortunesFave

I could not leave a step sibling out and take my own baby out for a day trip. Nope. Seems mean.

Also...you know that having photos of your children in the bedroom is a bit odd? How can you enjoy sex with your kid looking at you!?

Grin

Post of the day 🤣

Tigersauros · 02/11/2021 09:33

I think all the other things you said are OK and normal but this one would be distasteful to me: ". There have been a few unexpected days recently where DSC stayed with us when they wouldn't normally and I had plans with family. I didn't immediately change these to also take along DSC so I'm awful"

I would take along dsc + DH too (unless he had other plans) . You are now an extended blended family. By taking him along, you're giving him a message of unity. By not taking him the message is, my family, my child, me, a seperate family within family. Of course also depends on how long you're together etc but assuming long, given you're married.

SparrowNest · 02/11/2021 09:34

@Flainling ah, fair enough then

FreeBritnee · 02/11/2021 09:35

@Tigersauros

I think all the other things you said are OK and normal but this one would be distasteful to me: ". There have been a few unexpected days recently where DSC stayed with us when they wouldn't normally and I had plans with family. I didn't immediately change these to also take along DSC so I'm awful"

I would take along dsc + DH too (unless he had other plans) . You are now an extended blended family. By taking him along, you're giving him a message of unity. By not taking him the message is, my family, my child, me, a seperate family within family. Of course also depends on how long you're together etc but assuming long, given you're married.

Has the OP even said what she the SC are? There will be some a activities that are solely geared for little ones and really wouldn’t suit older children. Equally the OP’s parents want to spend time with their grandchild. That’s a nice thing! Directly other children come out for the day the dynamic changes instantly.
FreeBritnee · 02/11/2021 09:35

*what age

BungleandGeorge · 02/11/2021 09:36

Can see both sides. Obviously you’re going to feel differently about your child. However they aren’t just ‘his kids’. If you become a family with a partner with children. The children become your family. I don’t think children make distinctions your child will consider them siblings. Children can’t always be treated exactly the same but this ‘my child’, ‘your children’ isn’t really going to work

Yogaandcocoa · 02/11/2021 09:36

OP YANBU

And of course you can have an account that you and your family pay into for your child without doing that for DSC.

Your DSC have two parents who can do that for them.

I have just had my first baby and I have older SC. I plan to set up an account for DS paying in as much as I can afford and of course I can't match that for DSC. DH won't be paying in for DS as I earn a lot more and I don't think it is my responsibility to do it for his children.

EatSleepRantRepeat · 02/11/2021 09:36

@Flainling

I don’t really understand couples with children having separate finances, though

Most of our money is joint, we just have a small set amount as our own spending money in personal accounts. I was in an abusive situation previously, including financially, I like to have some personal money for this reason.

Again, this is a great idea - none of the couples I know use a joint account for all income and expenditure, its quite normal to have personal ones too. That financial freedom is very important, especially if you're part time or at home.
Staryflight445 · 02/11/2021 09:37

‘ taking my son out to little places with my family / to visit family and not taking everyone with me all the time. There have been a few unexpected days recently where DSC stayed with us when they wouldn't normally and I had plans with family. I didn't immediately change these to also take along DSC so I'm awful and "making it obvious I only want to spend time with my son".’
^^

Surely you can see here that spending time with your family with your child is more important to you than your child spending more time with their siblings?

Staryflight445 · 02/11/2021 09:38

I feel a bit sorry for the step children in this scenario.