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Original poster

AIBU to just think FUCK OFF and let me enjoy my child?!

607 replies

Flainling · 02/11/2021 07:43

My husband is always making me (or trying at least) feel guilty for just doing basic things with my child. Even accusing me of "pushing SC out" when I've done nothing of the sort.

He is only 10 months old. He's my first and my last.

Things have included:

  • Making a photo album of DS. Not some big extravagant family craft activity where DSC are forced to glue pictures of their younger sibling into an album on a Saturday. Just me, doing it myself in the evening.
  • taking my son out to little places with my family / to visit family and not taking everyone with me all the time. There have been a few unexpected days recently where DSC stayed with us when they wouldn't normally and I had plans with family. I didn't immediately change these to also take along DSC so I'm awful and "making it obvious I only want to spend time with my son".
  • ordering a few pictures for our bedroom of DS for a photo frame my Mum got me for my birthday and putting it up on my dressing table. There are pictures of DSC up in the house as well but apparently there are more of DS and this is terrible (it's in our bedroom which none of the kids come in Confused ).
  • apparently just generally a bit obsessive with DS and I make it "obvious" I care more about him. Fucking yes I'm a bit obsessive. He's my first baby. Am I not allowed?!
  • setting up a savings account (from my own personal money) which me and my family pay into for DS when DSC don't have one, as if that's up to me?!

There are more but I can't think right now.

AIBU to just think or even say FUCK OFF now and just let me enjoy my baby in peace ffs. It's like I'm not allowed to consider this my first child at all without "pushing DSC out". I don't even know what be means by that. I'm as kind as I always have been to DSC, who absolutely adore their brother too. But I'm not their mum and don't act like it nor do I wish to (or ever have?!).

It's really starting to piss me off. It's like I can't just do anything for my son without always thinking like this.

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BadlyFormedQuestion · 09/11/2021 10:19

But what about where those differences of opinion are fundamentally incompatible? In a family, there are often all sorts of trade offs that have to be negotiated because you have to share space and resources. This is often even more the case in a blended family.

I just do not think that it’s reasonable to diminish the enormous life event that is becoming a mother for the first time by insisting that it’s a kind of first for your husband’s ex too. Frankly that ‘first’ is a minor point, and really not relevant to the new mother in any meaningful way.

SpaceshiptoMars · 09/11/2021 10:54

I just do not think that it’s reasonable to diminish the enormous life event that is becoming a mother for the first time by insisting that it’s a kind of first for your husband’s ex too. Frankly that ‘first’ is a minor point, and really not relevant to the new mother in any meaningful way.

I think there is a common ideal that first motherhood should be a protected space, like nothing else in life. It sets the tone for family life from then on. Of course, it often doesn't work out that way and that can be very, very hard.

BadlyFormedQuestion · 09/11/2021 11:26

@SpaceshiptoMars

I just do not think that it’s reasonable to diminish the enormous life event that is becoming a mother for the first time by insisting that it’s a kind of first for your husband’s ex too. Frankly that ‘first’ is a minor point, and really not relevant to the new mother in any meaningful way.

I think there is a common ideal that first motherhood should be a protected space, like nothing else in life. It sets the tone for family life from then on. Of course, it often doesn't work out that way and that can be very, very hard.

Regardless of any ideal, it is a huge identity shift for most people. And it matters. It’s not ok for people to brush that aside and make out you’re being ridiculous because you’re a stepparent.

This kind of thing is an example of the many totally unnecessary losses and disappointments that come with being in a relationship with a man with a previous family. Why should she have to give up the joy of first time motherhood because he already did that with someone else? Why should her family not be able to celebrate her first child (possibly their first grandchild/niece/nephew) because of that?

Let them buy picture frames and her display them in her bedroom. Let her make photo albums. Let them set up savings accounts. None of it actually takes anything away from her stepchildren (who have a mother who could do these things if she chooses). But her husband’s stance is taking that joy of being a mum away from her.

Nor is how your husband’s ex feels about a change in her status relevant to it. That’s her problem and shouldn’t affect the new mother at all.

SpaceshiptoMars · 09/11/2021 12:04

Nor is how your husband’s ex feels about a change in her status relevant to it. That’s her problem and shouldn’t affect the new mother at all.

It is as if she thinks the blended family is a wolf/monkey pack with herself as the alpha female. Only the alpha female gets to breed and all other pack members are co-opted to raise the offspring of the alpha couple...

BadlyFormedQuestion · 09/11/2021 12:05

@SpaceshiptoMars

Nor is how your husband’s ex feels about a change in her status relevant to it. That’s her problem and shouldn’t affect the new mother at all.

It is as if she thinks the blended family is a wolf/monkey pack with herself as the alpha female. Only the alpha female gets to breed and all other pack members are co-opted to raise the offspring of the alpha couple...

That is an excellent summary of how so many people seem to see blended families.
funinthesun19 · 09/11/2021 14:05

For the ex ,this is the first time that her children have a sibling to whom she did not give birth.

And whatever emotions she feels about that are hers to deal with quietly. It’s not about her.

candlelightsatdawn · 09/11/2021 15:29

It is as if she thinks the blended family is a wolf/monkey pack with herself as the alpha female. Only the alpha female gets to breed and all other pack members are co-opted to raise the offspring of the alpha couple.

This is interesting isn't it, because if you think about it the first wife once was the alpha female, for whatever reason that she's no longer it, it makes sense that there will be various land grabs for "dominance" aka money/space/time and fear that she on some level is being replaced especially when a new baby is on the way because it threatens the not only the perceived resources of her children but also her status.

I kinda see now why the first wives club act like they do. Not all of them btw before I get jumped on because not all feel the need to be the alpha female and retain control in all elements that no longer belong to her. You wouldn't know which type your dealing with either. It seems moving on with new partners doesn't lessen that need but having a baby increases the likely good of attack and need to reassert position

Certainly explains the hideous attacks going down on some posts on the board.

What's weird here though is it's DH that's doing the attacking, probably after feeling guilty at failing to do what the op has done and put that guilt at her door

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