AIBU to just think FUCK OFF and let me enjoy my child?!

[Flainling]

My husband is always making me (or trying at least) feel guilty for just doing basic things with my child. Even accusing me of "pushing SC out" when I've done nothing of the sort.

He is only 10 months old. He's my first and my last.

Things have included:

• Making a photo album of DS. Not some big extravagant family craft activity where DSC are forced to glue pictures of their younger sibling into an album on a Saturday. Just me, doing it myself in the evening.

• taking my son out to little places with my family / to visit family and not taking everyone with me all the time. There have been a few unexpected days recently where DSC stayed with us when they wouldn't normally and I had plans with family. I didn't immediately change these to also take along DSC so I'm awful and "making it obvious I only want to spend time with my son".

• ordering a few pictures for our bedroom of DS for a photo frame my Mum got me for my birthday and putting it up on my dressing table. There are pictures of DSC up in the house as well but apparently there are more of DS and this is terrible (it's in our bedroom which none of the kids come in ).

• apparently just generally a bit obsessive with DS and I make it "obvious" I care more about him. Fucking yes I'm a bit obsessive. He's my first baby. Am I not allowed?!

• setting up a savings account (from my own personal money) which me and my family pay into for DS when DSC don't have one, as if that's up to me?!

There are more but I can't think right now.

AIBU to just think or even say FUCK OFF now and just let me enjoy my baby in peace ffs. It's like I'm not allowed to consider this my first child at all without "pushing DSC out". I don't even know what be means by that. I'm as kind as I always have been to DSC, who absolutely adore their brother too. But I'm not their mum and don't act like it nor do I wish to (or ever have?!).

It's really starting to piss me off. It's like I can't just do anything for my son without always thinking like this.

I think @SophieKat1982 hit it on the head. This is a dh issue and he sounds resentful/jealous of attention being given.

He sounds like a child

The only thing I think sounds potentially unreasonable is not taking the step kids on a trip out.

The DSC parents keep swapping and changing contact days, why should OP constantly change her pre arranged plans to accommodate this?

With the days out, DH and his ex are always switching or swapping regular days, it would be impossible for me to guarantee that every time I plan something DSC definitely won't end up being around.

Why are they always doing this? It sounds incredibly confusing and unsettling for the DSC. I think this is more of a problem than you having the odd day out with DS.

The children are not equal to you and I'm not convinced that it's reasonable to pretend they are. They should be equal and treated as equal by their shared father. If he can't be bothered treating his children as well as you do your child then that's entirely on him. Your childs experience shouldn't be watered down to the lowest common denominator.
As an aside, my DSDs mother made it very clear I wasn't to be doing any mothering of her child (not that I had the slightest inclination to do so) so I'll be damned if I started just because I had a child of my own.

Enjoy your baby. I’m in the same boat with a toddler of my own and two older steps with a big age gap.

I’d be appalled if DH was behaving like this, it’s not inevitable at all.

@TheFoz

It sounds like your DH wants you to do the heavy lifting for his kids as well as your own. You are doing nothing wrong. He needs to parent his own kids.

Yep.

@thisplaceisweird

I can sort of see both sides, although leaning towards yours OP. I wonder if he feels pushed out of the 'you and baby' time and is slightly projecting?

Can he not be more involved so you do things as a couple for the baby, or you do things together with the baby? It sounds like it's just your baby.

Hmm I'll explain a little bit about this as I think it's relevant and it may even make me seem unreasonable to some too but I think it's important to explain...

He has always had a bit of a different parenting style to me. I knew that even before we had DC. He is much more hands off than I plan to be / would want to be in the sense that he doesn't think things like savings are important. Isn't big on spending money on big trips out, happy to settle for a nice walk instead that kind of thing. Would never have thought about a photo album or things like that, doesn't think kids need to be spoilt, he thinks parents pander far too much these days etc... His parents are very similar with him and his siblings, love them of course but not any big displays of this or overly affectionate. I on the other hand come from a very full on family who see each other all the time/very involved and lovey with each other.

I want to be really involved in my DCs life, I want to consider their financial future by trying to save now for them, I want to do the big days out and make memories with them and yes even bloody spoil!

Admittedly I never pushed to do all this with DSC before because frankly I never felt it was my place to change the way my husband parents and it never (rightly or wrongly) bothered me.

DSCs mother and her family is very like me though, very affectionate and lovey and definitely spoil them so I don't know. I don't think the children are parenting hugely differently, it's just the mothers of the two lots of kids happen to not be the same person.

I highly suspect it will be me mainly doing the trips out, buying treats for etc... My son. I know and accept this. I don't mind. I just don't like the pressure I'm now feeling to do exactly the same with DSC when I know DH won't if that makes sense.

He is projecting massively. He feels guilty because he isn't much of a dad to his first children so instead of stepping up he's trying to beat you down. Twat. Can never love your children too much.

He’s lazy!

He can’t be bothered to open a savings account for his own children, make photo albums or take them on days out.

He wants you to either stop doing nice things for your child so he doesn’t look/feel bad about not bothering for his.
Or, he wants you to do his job for him.

The only thing he doesn’t want to do is do it himself.

Instead of you for example cancelling your trip out with the baby, he should have taken his kids to the cinema or bowling or some “grown up” day out the baby couldn’t do.

I highly suspect it will be me mainly doing the trips out, buying treats for etc... My son. I know and accept this. I don't mind. I just don't like the pressure I'm now feeling to do exactly the same with DSC when I know DH won't if that makes sense.

Just say that you are respecting his parenting choices for his children. You disagree, so you are doing something different with your child.

Surely contact days are for dsc to spend time with their father? They are not OP's responsibility. She sounds like an excellent step parent. Is Dh's ex expected to spend equal time and money on OP's new baby?
He is being childish and unreasonable.

@Flainling I see your point. If the plans change last minute, and you’re doing something it’s not possible to include the older kids in, you should absolutely go ahead.

I thought you meant activities where you potentially could take them along too.

Are you sure that it’s not your DH himself who is jealous of the attention you (quite rightly) need to give to the new baby? You’ve done nothing wrong. Enjoy your baby.

I was wondering this. You sound like a good DM and DSM. Time for him to do a bit more for all his children, maybe.

The thing is your DSC have a mother. You are quite rightly an important role model. Things do not have to be equal all the time. Your DSC have their mother, their father and both sets of their grandparent in the mix so why shouldn't your baby have your side?

One of my aunts had DSC and whilst they were treated fairly by my DGPs it wasn't always equal because they had their own mother's family which quite rightly the biological DGC didn't have access to.

Too much talk of 'my son' and 'his children' on this thread. You need to find a compromise with your DH. They are all his children. It's not mine and his. You need to find an answer somewhere in the middle where he feels all his children are being treated equally and you feel able to treat your son in a way that is comfortable to you without having to defend yourself.

That being said, i find it strange that as a couple you would start a savings account for one child and not the others. It doesn't feel like you are a family. It feels like 'my child, my money' and 'his children, his money'.

@50ShadesOfCatholic

He is projecting massively. He feels guilty because he isn't much of a dad to his first children so instead of stepping up he's trying to beat you down. Twat. Can never love your children too much.

This is how I feel in a way. I feel if I ever look back and think I didn't do X or Y with DS because of DHs insecurities regarding DSC I'll regret it massively. I won't get another go at this.

Yeah, sounds like he’s feeling bad coz you’re doing more for your shared child than he is for his kids. So he’s trying to make it your fault rather than facing up to it and making more of an effort with his children. He’s perfectly capable of making a photo album, saving or taking them on a fun day out.

That being said, i find it strange that as a couple you would start a savings account for one child and not the others. It doesn't feel like you are a family. It feels like 'my child, my money' and 'his children, his money
They didn't do it as a couple. As a mother, OP made a financial decision for her child. As a father, her DH is free to do the same.

@DoraMaude

Too much talk of 'my son' and 'his children' on this thread. You need to find a compromise with your DH. They are all his children. It's not mine and his. You need to find an answer somewhere in the middle where he feels all his children are being treated equally and you feel able to treat your son in a way that is comfortable to you without having to defend yourself.

That being said, i find it strange that as a couple you would start a savings account for one child and not the others. It doesn't feel like you are a family. It feels like 'my child, my money' and 'his children, his money'.

He is treating his children equally by not doing anything with any of them by the sounds of it! He can’t expect the OP to parent down to his level OR parent his children for him.

@Flainling do you largely have separate finances, then? If so, I agree it’s unreasonable to expect you to spend your money to e.g. take your stepkids to the zoo as well as your own child.

I don’t really understand couples with children having separate finances, though. I’m currently a SAHM and my husband has never thought of his salary (and I never thought of my income) as anything other than family money since we got married. If you’re not working at the moment, how does it all work?

And OP, read the title of your thread again. If that's really how you feel about your DH then you should be reconsidering your relationship. You want him to fuck off? It's his child too.

I could not leave a step sibling out and take my own baby out for a day trip. Nope. Seems mean.

Also...you know that having photos of your children in the bedroom is a bit odd? How can you enjoy sex with your kid looking at you!?

Take the emotion out and briefly state facts as he benefits when he throws emotions in to unbalance the conversation and to try to guilt-trip you into taking responsibility for his DC.

The day trip was planned, so you could have said, "it was already planned", if he'd said DSC feel pushed out you could have said "you plan the next group day then". If he repeats his moan, you repeat that he can plan another day.

With money, again say "I arranged this, you can arrange similar" and repeat very briefly no emotions.

Same with the photo and book, "I did this, you can do your own".

By putting his responsibility back on him, briefly and unemotionally, you assert that his DC are not your responsibility.

He needs to step up and do things for all of his kids. It's definitely not up to you to start a savings account for his children. They have two parents and presumably other relatives who can do that if they want to. And I'd be telling him that. There is nothing stopping him doing it.

The trip out thing - I don't see a problem at all with you going for a trip out with your child and your family without the DSC - especially as they weren't supposed to be there that day anyway. DH could have taken his children out and spent time with them on his own. The point of them being there is that he has contact time with them and he's responsible for making it an enjoyable time for everyone, not you. I do think there should be trips where all of you go out together of course but I don't see why it's a problem to have separate trips too. It sounds like he can't be arsed to organize anything himself and expects you to do it.

It's him who isn't doing enough for his own children, what you are doing is not over the top or obsessive.
Time to have a long discussion with him I think.

@FortunesFave

I could not leave a step sibling out and take my own baby out for a day trip. Nope. Seems mean.

Also...you know that having photos of your children in the bedroom is a bit odd? How can you enjoy sex with your kid looking at you!?

That’s the weirdest post I’ve read on here for a while