@Tattler2, I am one divorce down. One post divorce relationship down. I am older and much much wiser.
What I will say is this. I understand the point you are trying to make. At the core, you are talking about having deep levels of resiliency, knowing your mind, having faith in your direction and effectively giving zero f**s as to what anyone else (including your partner) thinks. In such circumstances, the partner should be able to say ‘xyz bothers me.’ The OP should be able to take it on and do what is right for her - adapt slightly/ disregard and continue as is. She has choices once her partner has been honest.
Tbh, how you’ve described reactions is exactly how I now operate. I’m clear about who I am, what I am looking for and my exp was free to say how he felt about xyz. I was then free to react as I wished. I could feel bad about myself or take on board his comments and make changes and/ or a myriad of other options. What I chose to do was end the relationship as we both clearly wanted very different things. Fine. By the time I ended it I had detached to such an extent, the ending of the relationship made very little difference to my day to day.
That’s the black and white covered.
The years leading up to my teaching this point however were not that clear cut or remotely straightforward. I would describe It as death via a million cuts. My exp could say some deeply cruel things to me; as regarded how I showed up to the relationship and how involved I was with his children. They are comments we see time and again on these boards.
I loved him. So hearing those sorts of comments from someone you love? It hurts - I imagine it would hurt most people. It can make the sanest person question themselves. Their reality. Their own feelings and sense of right/ wrong. It can be a very disorientating experience actually.
I would say that the realm of attempting to ‘Step parent’ is without doubt the hardest thing in my life I have ever had to navigate (and I’ve dealt with some shit).
You’re right though. My expartner had every right to voice his needs. I had a choice every time I stayed. Or engaged in another argument. Or listened to the passive aggressive comments designed to take the wind out of my sails.
The only way I got to the place that you describe? Is through therapy. Really working on myself to understand what I wanted. Detaching massively from my partner. To such an extent that when words left his mouth? I disregarded them in their entirety. About a week before I ended the relationship, we had a ‘discussion’. Where he said some not very nice things? My response? I laughed. And meant it. Nothing he said even touched the sides. I had moved to operating in the manner you describe so well, I owned my actions, reactions and feelings.
That’s when I realised that the relationship was over. Why? I didn’t wish to exist in a relationship where that’s what was happening. I think most people don’t. We want the ones we love to care and put thought into their actions and words. We want them to think about us and our needs, in amongst theirs/ the children etc. We want to feel supported and cared for. Not told that our core ways of showing love and cherishing what is important to us is somehow wrong. And when the inevitable happens (where there is a disagreement), we still want to believe there isn’t something bubbling away underneath, causing real dysfunction in the relationship. Something out of our control? Like jealousy. Or guilt. Or Disney dadding. Or just myopic obsession over the children from the previous family.
My journey from where I was to where I am, was deeply hurtful. I don’t think I’ve ever had someone hurt me as much as in my past relationship. I take full responsibility for allowing it as I had a choice and could have left years ago. What’s my point?
Words hurt. Especially from those you love and who are close to. Humans are deeply complicated. We carry with us our own traumas and baggage.
I can hear you when you say what you say. But very few people in these situations (struggling) get there overnight.
For you to think and see the world this way? You are either this sort of personality type. Or you’re very fortunate in your current relationship. In so much that you can trust your husband/ partner is coming from a good / healthy place, minus any dysfunction. And have these conversations in a very straightforward way.
Most people aren’t there. I would take that into account when you post your views.