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Original poster

AIBU to just think FUCK OFF and let me enjoy my child?!

607 replies

Flainling · 02/11/2021 07:43

My husband is always making me (or trying at least) feel guilty for just doing basic things with my child. Even accusing me of "pushing SC out" when I've done nothing of the sort.

He is only 10 months old. He's my first and my last.

Things have included:

  • Making a photo album of DS. Not some big extravagant family craft activity where DSC are forced to glue pictures of their younger sibling into an album on a Saturday. Just me, doing it myself in the evening.
  • taking my son out to little places with my family / to visit family and not taking everyone with me all the time. There have been a few unexpected days recently where DSC stayed with us when they wouldn't normally and I had plans with family. I didn't immediately change these to also take along DSC so I'm awful and "making it obvious I only want to spend time with my son".
  • ordering a few pictures for our bedroom of DS for a photo frame my Mum got me for my birthday and putting it up on my dressing table. There are pictures of DSC up in the house as well but apparently there are more of DS and this is terrible (it's in our bedroom which none of the kids come in Confused ).
  • apparently just generally a bit obsessive with DS and I make it "obvious" I care more about him. Fucking yes I'm a bit obsessive. He's my first baby. Am I not allowed?!
  • setting up a savings account (from my own personal money) which me and my family pay into for DS when DSC don't have one, as if that's up to me?!

There are more but I can't think right now.

AIBU to just think or even say FUCK OFF now and just let me enjoy my baby in peace ffs. It's like I'm not allowed to consider this my first child at all without "pushing DSC out". I don't even know what be means by that. I'm as kind as I always have been to DSC, who absolutely adore their brother too. But I'm not their mum and don't act like it nor do I wish to (or ever have?!).

It's really starting to piss me off. It's like I can't just do anything for my son without always thinking like this.

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Evelyn52 · 02/11/2021 08:00

Absolutely tell him to fuck off, hd may have multiple children and they are his responsibility, you have one child you're responsible for. Carry on and enjoy your child you've done nothing wrong. CF on the bank account, why should you be funding his kids, they already have 2 parents to do that. If he wants you to pay for them tell him you will when his ex starts contributing towards your DC.

SpaceshiptoMars · 02/11/2021 08:02

I think you're more vulnerable to this because you are SAHM. Are you planning to return to work?

Shakirasma · 02/11/2021 08:03

I can totally see both sides here. DH is clearly a loving dad who is very aware that children from a previous relationship can easily feel pushed aside when a parent starts a new family. All of these children are his and he rightly loves them all equally.

However they are not all your children and as much as you love and care for the SC it's not the same as the love you have for your own DS.

You and DH are still new to this dynamic and finding your feet. But DH needs to understand that all of his children are not all your children, they have a mum and home elsewhere. If they lived with you full time and you had to take on the mum role that would be different and they should all be treated equally by you at all times, but that isn't the case here.

I dont think telling him to fuck off for worrying so much about how his kids fit in to this new situation would be helpful, but a serious talk about roles and responsibilities would be.

AnkleDeep · 02/11/2021 08:04

He's a prick, OP.

Just ignore his whining.

Bagelsandbrie · 02/11/2021 08:07

Hmm I’m not sure. How old is dsc? If they are of an age where they know there’s a nice day out planned and they’re excluded thats wrong in my opinion. I think you should treat the children as if they are the same - savings etc as well, I think he needs to set up a savings account and save the same in that for both children as when they get older they will have huge rows about it otherwise as one will have more than the other.

Original poster
Flainling · 02/11/2021 08:11

I couldn't set them up a bank account any way as it has to be a parent. I'm not sure why it's my fault that he's never bothered to do it before. He could have, he still can. I've no problem with him doing that. I can't afford to match it by myself though AND what my family put in for DS. He can do that if he wants, I'd never stop him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Flainling · 02/11/2021 08:13

He doesn't put into DS's himself either. It all comes from my personal bank and my family (we have joint for bills and savings and separate for small amount of monthly spends).

OP posts:
Original poster
Flainling · 02/11/2021 08:13

Yes I'm going back to work part time next month

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Rainallnight · 02/11/2021 08:13

I don’t understand these men who expect women to do all this emotional labour for THEIR children

KeyboardWorriers · 02/11/2021 08:14

The bank account I agree.
The rest of it, I think you should listen hard and really think about what a good blended family looks and feels like for everyone in it but particularly for your step children.

Rainallnight · 02/11/2021 08:16

But why should she do that, @KeyboardWorriers. Why can’t their actual father do stuff like make family photo albums?

Original poster
Flainling · 02/11/2021 08:17

@Bagelsandbrie

Hmm I’m not sure. How old is dsc? If they are of an age where they know there’s a nice day out planned and they’re excluded thats wrong in my opinion. I think you should treat the children as if they are the same - savings etc as well, I think he needs to set up a savings account and save the same in that for both children as when they get older they will have huge rows about it otherwise as one will have more than the other.
They are at home with their Dad though, who can take them out as well if he wants. These (there's only been two times) have been small child focused events that my family have purchased tickets for and can't just be expected to cancel at the last minute because DSC are now staying unexpectedly. It was purposefully arranged for a day I thought they wouldn't be here to avoid this sort of thing (even though I really.dont think they'd care their 10 month old sibling is going to a farm with their step mothers parents).

Days are swapping and changing so frequently at the moment that it's impossible to keep up sometimes or make sure it's never going on when they are here.

OP posts:
Bagelsandbrie · 02/11/2021 08:17

@Flainling

He doesn't put into DS's himself either. It all comes from my personal bank and my family (we have joint for bills and savings and separate for small amount of monthly spends).
This seems odd to me. You seem like separated parents with your own finances rather than a family- almost as if it’s him and his dd and you and your dc and your family.
Beamur · 02/11/2021 08:17

@Shakirasma

I can totally see both sides here. DH is clearly a loving dad who is very aware that children from a previous relationship can easily feel pushed aside when a parent starts a new family. All of these children are his and he rightly loves them all equally.

However they are not all your children and as much as you love and care for the SC it's not the same as the love you have for your own DS.

You and DH are still new to this dynamic and finding your feet. But DH needs to understand that all of his children are not all your children, they have a mum and home elsewhere. If they lived with you full time and you had to take on the mum role that would be different and they should all be treated equally by you at all times, but that isn't the case here.

I dont think telling him to fuck off for worrying so much about how his kids fit in to this new situation would be helpful, but a serious talk about roles and responsibilities would be.

This is spot on. Yes, you are perfectly entitled to enjoy your baby seperately to your SC. I say this as someone who has been in exactly the same position. DD is my one and only, and I have and do treat her differently to my SC. DH has 3 kids. He loves them all.
sweetheartyparty · 02/11/2021 08:17

Enjoy your time with your baby! Your DH and his ex are welcome to do the same for their child

Original poster
Flainling · 02/11/2021 08:18

@Rainallnight

But why should she do that, *@KeyboardWorriers*. Why can’t their actual father do stuff like make family photo albums?
I think it would look really odd actually if I just started making a photo album of DSC. I think their mother probably already has those. She's very involved and a great Mum who dotes on them herself.
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shylatte · 02/11/2021 08:18

I can totally see his point and yours. Imagine if you are the one with previous children and you had a new baby. Your dp sits in the evening making an album of his baby, takes his baby off to visit family alone, sets up a savings account for his baby. Nothing wrong with that per se, it's his first baby and obviously he is more attached to it. However, it sends a message to you (and over time the dsc) that you are not a family unit, where the children are equal.

Korbah · 02/11/2021 08:19

He’s being ridiculous. Your family can save for DS if they want, they’re allowed to give money to a relative without giving the same to strangers. You can take your DS out, it’s not your responsibility to provide care for step kids. Contact time is for your DH to spend with his kids, not for you to spend with them. And if he thinks you’ll love his kids the same as your own flesh and blood he needs to give his head a wobble!

Original poster
Flainling · 02/11/2021 08:21

This seems odd to me. You seem like separated parents with your own finances rather than a family- almost as if it’s him and his dd and you and your dc and your family.

I wouldn't say that. I just never wanted to lose my freedom completely when it comes to my wage. Most things are joint, savings that pay for our holidays are all joint etc... I just keep a small amount in my personal bank to spend on things for myself in the month. Sometimes that may include days out with everyone, treats for all the kids or whatever. Other things are like a beauty / audio book subscription, my son's savings etc.. I don't like the idea of having every single penny in a joint account but I have been in an abusive situation before where I had to explain every penny I spent (not with DH) so that's probably why.

OP posts:
gindreams · 02/11/2021 08:21

@shylatte

Nah sounds perfectly reasonable to me

Bagelsandbrie · 02/11/2021 08:22

@Flainling

This seems odd to me. You seem like separated parents with your own finances rather than a family- almost as if it’s him and his dd and you and your dc and your family.

I wouldn't say that. I just never wanted to lose my freedom completely when it comes to my wage. Most things are joint, savings that pay for our holidays are all joint etc... I just keep a small amount in my personal bank to spend on things for myself in the month. Sometimes that may include days out with everyone, treats for all the kids or whatever. Other things are like a beauty / audio book subscription, my son's savings etc.. I don't like the idea of having every single penny in a joint account but I have been in an abusive situation before where I had to explain every penny I spent (not with DH) so that's probably why.

Does your partner have similar / equal spending money to you?
Original poster
Flainling · 02/11/2021 08:23

@shylatte

I can totally see his point and yours. Imagine if you are the one with previous children and you had a new baby. Your dp sits in the evening making an album of his baby, takes his baby off to visit family alone, sets up a savings account for his baby. Nothing wrong with that per se, it's his first baby and obviously he is more attached to it. However, it sends a message to you (and over time the dsc) that you are not a family unit, where the children are equal.
Well I wouldn't expect him to make a photo album of my kids, or make them a bank account (which he wouldn't even be able to do), or take them off to see his family without me either.

I couldn't really blame someone else if I hadn't done all of the above things for my own child could I?

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Original poster
Flainling · 02/11/2021 08:23

Does your partner have similar / equal spending money to you?

Yes, we both get the same amount per month.

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Sally872 · 02/11/2021 08:23

You are allowed to love your own dc more!

Also dsc are here to see dad mainly so why would they rather visit your family than spend time with their own father. He should make it special dad time if he was worried they would be lift out. Was he going to also join? Or was he just wanting to hang on to his child free afternoon while you took all the kids?

Also savings is his responsibility he should be saving for all his children. And a photo album??? That is insane. Dsc may not even be interested in that anyway.

FlorenceNightshade · 02/11/2021 08:24

Totally agree with you @Flainling! It’s your first baby of course he’s the centre of your universe! It sounds like you’ve been more than fair by arranging things on days when SC aren’t usually about.
I can understand your DH being sensitive of his DCs feelings but he doesn’t appear to be making much effort. Also your feelings are just as important!
I’m sure you’re not doing anything with your DC that hasn’t been or could’ve been done for your SC at that age. No need to feel guilty enjoy it!