AIBU to just think FUCK OFF and let me enjoy my child?!

[Flainling]

My husband is always making me (or trying at least) feel guilty for just doing basic things with my child. Even accusing me of "pushing SC out" when I've done nothing of the sort.

He is only 10 months old. He's my first and my last.

Things have included:

• Making a photo album of DS. Not some big extravagant family craft activity where DSC are forced to glue pictures of their younger sibling into an album on a Saturday. Just me, doing it myself in the evening.

• taking my son out to little places with my family / to visit family and not taking everyone with me all the time. There have been a few unexpected days recently where DSC stayed with us when they wouldn't normally and I had plans with family. I didn't immediately change these to also take along DSC so I'm awful and "making it obvious I only want to spend time with my son".

• ordering a few pictures for our bedroom of DS for a photo frame my Mum got me for my birthday and putting it up on my dressing table. There are pictures of DSC up in the house as well but apparently there are more of DS and this is terrible (it's in our bedroom which none of the kids come in ).

• apparently just generally a bit obsessive with DS and I make it "obvious" I care more about him. Fucking yes I'm a bit obsessive. He's my first baby. Am I not allowed?!

• setting up a savings account (from my own personal money) which me and my family pay into for DS when DSC don't have one, as if that's up to me?!

There are more but I can't think right now.

AIBU to just think or even say FUCK OFF now and just let me enjoy my baby in peace ffs. It's like I'm not allowed to consider this my first child at all without "pushing DSC out". I don't even know what be means by that. I'm as kind as I always have been to DSC, who absolutely adore their brother too. But I'm not their mum and don't act like it nor do I wish to (or ever have?!).

It's really starting to piss me off. It's like I can't just do anything for my son without always thinking like this.

A calm conversation is needed….

Your partner may be worried about his kids feeling pushed out but he can work on that himself. E.g. if you take the baby to see your family he can look at it as a opportunity to spend some ‘us’ time with his own children. And he can make sure that there are photos of his kids around the house as well as photos of the baby.

The album you can do and keep private, to yourself, as long as you are not circulating the album when someone visits, it is ok.

Having more photos of one child is off, even if all the kids were yours, it shows openly you care more about your baby than the others, which is a natural feeling but not one you have to display openly. Same number of photos per kid, even if they are all your own. Otherwise is nasty and very disconsiderate.

Bank account is ok, but again, keep it to yourself, no need to discuss it / talk about it. If he is annoyed by that suggest he, his ex and their families start one for the SC so they all can have the same.

Not changing your plans when contact has changed unexpectedly is not a problem. You shouldn’t anyway. If that doesn’t work for him she shouldn’t have agreed to the change of contact day. You stay out of it.

But most importantly, ensure your SC do not feel sidelined because otherwise you will drive a wedge between the baby and his siblings and it is very likely your partner starts compensating for your out in the open favouritism by ignoring the baby and put all his attention on the SC.

Having more photos of one child is off, even if all the kids were yours, it shows openly you care more about your baby than the others, which is a natural feeling but not one you have to display openly. Same number of photos per kid, even if they are all your own. Otherwise is nasty and very disconsiderate

In the main house this is actually the case. For every single photo of DS there is one of DSC, I made sure of it when putting them up (me not him).

It's in our bedroom the one he's talking about. My Mum got me a photo frame as one of my birthday presents a few months ago and I put a few photos of DS in it and put it on my dressing table in our bedroom which DSC have been inside about twice since we've lived here.

it sends a message to you (and over time the dsc) that you are not a family unit, where the children are equal.

I have step children and DC. We always from the outset have focused on being a family unit, on being aware of fairness. They are all very close.

My DC have a half brother. Since he was born they are increasingly unhappy at going to their dads because they can sense that they are "second class citizens' in that house.

I agree, I sort their savings (and their dad could too). I have lots of photos and photo albums.

But op needs to just reflect on whether the balance is right, on whether there are things she and her husband can do to redress this issue before it festers and splits them up.

Dh can surely make his own album? Take his own dc out? He needs to recognise he also has a baby. And all dc need to spend time with dm and df. Together and apart!! Or is he going to tell his ex she can't take the dc out?
My now exh's ex told us we couldn't take dsd on holiday as it wasn't fair she wouldn't get to share the holiday with dsd. Nuts man nuts.

But most importantly, ensure your SC do not feel sidelined because otherwise you will drive a wedge between the baby and his siblings and it is very likely your partner starts compensating for your out in the open favouritism by ignoring the baby and put all his attention on the SC

Thing is, I feel I act with DSC how I've always acted with them. No I don't roll around on the floor playing with them (they are too old anyway!) or kiss them all the time, cuddle them on the sofa or whatever. But I've never done that and they'd look at me like I had two heads if I began trying 😂 I've never treated them that way and we get on really well and always have. Always been more a "friend" or "fun aunt" type that overly motherly with them, that's not changed.

You've done nothing wrong. He is massively overthinking it. The more he makes an issue of it the more likely the kids will pick up on it and then it will become an issue. It is the norm for a mum to care more about their own children than someone else's. As you said it would be ridiculous of you to be sorting out photo albums etc of your DSC to the same extent you so your own child, many people would accuse you of overstepping if you did too much.

No way should any of your earnings go towards your DSC's savings unless you want them to. They have their own parent(s) to sort that out.

He is going to cause problems. Fair enough you should try and do things with all of you occasionally but he needs to back off.

And half the time it's DSC rolling on the floor playing with DS. They are obsessed with him too! It's really nice how they are with him. It feels like it's actually only DH who can see some imaginary issue.

Every child deserves to feel special to their parents. Don't let this stop you wanting to do the best for your own child.

@Flainling

And half the time it's DSC rolling on the floor playing with DS. They are obsessed with him too! It's really nice how they are with him. It feels like it's actually only DH who can see some imaginary issue.

Yes it does sound like he is over compensating

@Bagelsandbrie

Hmm I’m not sure. How old is dsc? If they are of an age where they know there’s a nice day out planned and they’re excluded thats wrong in my opinion. I think you should treat the children as if they are the same - savings etc as well, I think he needs to set up a savings account and save the same in that for both children as when they get older they will have huge rows about it otherwise as one will have more than the other.

I don't think it's wrong. My DH often goes on trips with just the DSC, I take DD out with my family. If you don't make a big deal of it it's not a big deal

Savings. Up to DH to set up a savings account for his own children. If he can't be bothered that's on him. I'm not financing his kids. I already pay for a bigger house than I would have done without them. That's enough.

Can we all stop pretending that all the children can be treated ‘equally’ in a blended family just like they might be in a nuclear family?

They have different family make ups and completely separate extended families on one side. There will always be differences in presents and treats and days out and ultimately any inheritances they’re likely to get. There will be differences in expectations and cultures between house. There will always inevitably be all kinds of differences. Those differences cannot be wished away.

Each parent should try to treat their own children equally insofar as possible (but it’s not always possible because the other parent variable is not in their control). But they need to remember that their partner is not a parent to all their children.

It can just as easily lead to resentment between half siblings if some of them are denied the relationship and experiences with their mother that the others get (or if that’s only allowed when their half siblings are not there) as it might if the nonresident stepchildren are left with dad while their stepmother spends time with her child. The outcome most likely will depend on how their father handles the complexities of his children only being half siblings.

I think everything you have said is fine.

I think the things you are doing make him realise he may have 'dropped the ball' a bit with his children.

He could have set up photo albums, he could have set up savings accounts from his personal money, he could have changed his plans on unexpected days to do something age appropriate, he could have a picture of this children next to his bed. He hasn't done any of these things and it's he's now trying to get you to do them. WTF!

Some posts here are ridiculous!

Firstly, this man has hands and money and choice.

1. what’s stopping him getting a small frame and putting up photos of his children to ‘even’ things out?

2. it’s not the OP’s issue that her/ her family have set up savings account for her child. Good for them and it’s super kind and generous. The SC have two parents (and I assume two wider sets of families) who are more than capable of doing the same. As opposed to reacting from a place of jealousy (which is where this seems to come from), why doesn’t the DH open accounts now and start putting something away? It’s not like the Op has a monopoly on the idea FGS.

3. Outings. Perfectly reasonable. These are pre planned to ensure that the OP gets to enjoy quality time with her child and family. Specifically when the DSC are not meant to be at hers. Surely the onus here is on the DH to collaborate more with his wife and ask her about her plans before he agrees to the DC coming over?

IMO nothing here is problematic @Flainling. You are more than entitled to enjoy your child. What this is (and it’s a repeated theme on these boards) is an inherent entitlement that some parents seem to have regards their offspring. They must be considered in every eventuality, they must come first, and you (as someone who got together with a man with children) should have known that.

Yes this man loves his children equally. Well then HE can step up and ensure he does what is needed to ‘equal’ things out. He also needs a cold sharp shock to realise that his other children are not the OP’s children. And all he is doing is driving a wedge here, not the OP.

All of this is perfectly solvable, by him. However once again the onus is being put on the SM to solve. Because heaven forbid the father is held accountable to anything. 🙄

I think your DH has got a problem. He isn’t putting the time into working out exactly what it is, and is just reacting to stuff which he finds hard... maybe through guilt, maybe through resentment.

But if he fails to identify and be open about what’s eating him, all you CAN do is tell him to fuck off, which frankly isn’t helpful.

It’s going to be a challenge for you to negotiate a complicated family set up with someone who is out of touch with their feelings and flailing around angrily.

I think you are going to end up having to work really hard to sort this out.

It sounds like your DH wants you to do the heavy lifting for his kids as well as your own. You are doing nothing wrong. He needs to parent his own kids.

Your DSC’s mum probably has 5 albums with their pictures, set up them bank account already and take them regularly to places. Now it’s your DS’s turn to get all these.
I have no personal experience of blended family but it doesn’t look for me like you are doing something wrong. I would be careful about balance of photos in the house but again having your child’s photo on your dressing table in your bedroom doesn’t look like “pushing DSC out” for me.
Why couldn’t your DH take his children elsewhere when you took DS to see grandparents? And I’m sure he can set up saving accounts for all his children if he wants.

There are no 2 sides. OP, you are 100% right. SC are not your children, not your responsibility and you personally don't have to include them in every activity.

I'd just reply to him "I'm sorry that all of the things I'm doing with and for our child are highlighting where you arent doing them for you and xwifes children"

Are you sure that it’s not your DH himself who is jealous of the attention you (quite rightly) need to give to the new baby?

You’ve done nothing wrong. Enjoy your baby.

The problem of being a step parent is that everyone asks you to treat the SC as your own while expecting to keep the distance as if you were just an aunt, distant relative or an occasional shag.

Just balance out the number of photos, no need to remove the ones of your baby, just add more of the SC.

It is stupid to assume you need to be rolling on the floor with older children to make things equal, children have different needs at different ages so roll on the floor with baby but continue doing nice things with the SC.

The only thing I think sounds potentially unreasonable is not taking the step kids on a trip out.

The photo album, photo on your dressing table and savings account all seem perfectly reasonable. As you say there’s nothing stopping him setting a savings account up the other children.

As long as there’s photos of all the children around the house, I don’t think the photo of the baby on your dressing table is likely to upset the older ones.

With the days out, DH and his ex are always switching or swapping regular days, it would be impossible for me to guarantee that every time I plan something DSC definitely won't end up being around. So what do I do? Just expect my family and myself to change plans or cancel at the last minute every time because DH and his ex have decided the days are changing?

@SophieKat1982

Are you sure that it’s not your DH himself who is jealous of the attention you (quite rightly) need to give to the new baby?

You’ve done nothing wrong. Enjoy your baby.

That is a good point, too.

I know that my H was/is jealous of the time and attention a baby needs. He makes all kinds of ridiculous arguments (many of which centred around his children from a previous relationship) but ultimately he simply cannot cope if he is not the centre of attention and everything is organised to suit his whims.

I can sort of see both sides, although leaning towards yours OP. I wonder if he feels pushed out of the 'you and baby' time and is slightly projecting?

Can he not be more involved so you do things as a couple for the baby, or you do things together with the baby? It sounds like it's just your baby.