AIBU to just think FUCK OFF and let me enjoy my child?!

[Flainling]

My husband is always making me (or trying at least) feel guilty for just doing basic things with my child. Even accusing me of "pushing SC out" when I've done nothing of the sort.

He is only 10 months old. He's my first and my last.

Things have included:

• Making a photo album of DS. Not some big extravagant family craft activity where DSC are forced to glue pictures of their younger sibling into an album on a Saturday. Just me, doing it myself in the evening.

• taking my son out to little places with my family / to visit family and not taking everyone with me all the time. There have been a few unexpected days recently where DSC stayed with us when they wouldn't normally and I had plans with family. I didn't immediately change these to also take along DSC so I'm awful and "making it obvious I only want to spend time with my son".

• ordering a few pictures for our bedroom of DS for a photo frame my Mum got me for my birthday and putting it up on my dressing table. There are pictures of DSC up in the house as well but apparently there are more of DS and this is terrible (it's in our bedroom which none of the kids come in ).

• apparently just generally a bit obsessive with DS and I make it "obvious" I care more about him. Fucking yes I'm a bit obsessive. He's my first baby. Am I not allowed?!

• setting up a savings account (from my own personal money) which me and my family pay into for DS when DSC don't have one, as if that's up to me?!

There are more but I can't think right now.

AIBU to just think or even say FUCK OFF now and just let me enjoy my baby in peace ffs. It's like I'm not allowed to consider this my first child at all without "pushing DSC out". I don't even know what be means by that. I'm as kind as I always have been to DSC, who absolutely adore their brother too. But I'm not their mum and don't act like it nor do I wish to (or ever have?!).

It's really starting to piss me off. It's like I can't just do anything for my son without always thinking like this.

@TryingToBeLogical

This is an interesting place, Mumsnet, where loving someone doesn’t make you a better person. I’m gonna choose to love my stepdad for real. Although perhaps he actually sits around with other stepdads discussing the fast one he pulled over on little me with his performance, laughing at how gullible I was to presume his fake love was actually sincere and wanting to return it. Maybe that thread is over on Dadsnet. My “bio dad” was a disaster, BTW. Thank god my lovely, kind stepdad didn’t hold that against me.

There is far less expectation and stigmatisation of stepdads. In fact, they're often lauded for 'taking on someone else's child'.

It's interesting that recent posters are choosing to focus on whether step parents love their step children, rather than what was actually said, which was many step parents do not love their step children as much as their own children. Lots of step parents won't love their step children at all, which is in itself perfectly normal, but that aside, there is a BIG difference between saying a step parent must love their step child, and saying they must love them exactly as they do their biological children. It's the latter expectation that is absolutely ridiculous.

I don't love my stepchildren. I like them, but I don't love them. Not yet anyway, maybe this will grow over time but even then I can 100% say I will never love them as much as my own children.

I'm not their parent - I don't have a say in what happens in their lives, I don't make parenting decisions, I'm not involved with school or their friends or their healthcare etc...so there will always be that disconnect. They are more like the children of a close friend to me, and I don't see what's wrong with that.

I also bear in mind, if I split with their father, I'd probably never see them again.

I don’t love my stepchildren but I do care about their well-being, isn’t that enough?

I’m kind, welcoming, helpful and friendly towards them but in all honesty I could go long periods without seeing them and wouldn’t miss them. Not like my own children, who after a night or two away I miss incredibly.

I will never love my SCs as my own because

1. I didn’t grow and birth them
2. I met them when they already had well established personalities (ages 6 & 10 when I met them) which I had no hand in shaping or influencing
3. They have a very involved, loving mother so that role is happily already filled
4. I don’t see them enough to have a bond with them in the same way I do with my own children whom I raise on a daily basis
5. I have no rights to an input / say in how they’re brought up, so I don’t try to. They will grow up to be who they will be and that is out of my control
6. I don’t want to be a parental figure to them, I reserve that level of energy and care for my own biological children whom I have both a legal and moral obligation to raise.

But none of this means I’m a horrible stepmother. In fact I don’t actually want to be considered a step”mother” because I am in no way a parental figure to them.

That I am to them is another kind adult in their life who tries to help out and be considerate towards them, I just also happen to be in a long term relationship with their dad (soon to be my husband).

I also don’t expect my DP to parent my children, but I would if he was their dad.

It’s ok for OP to prioritise her own child, especially when making plans for her own child on times when she shouldn’t even have to consider her SC in her plans because she didn’t reasonably expect them to be present that day.

Having some personal photos of her pregnancy and biological son are absolutely fine too. I’m sure DSS’ mum has similar! Try

People need to let go of the notion that if you date / marry someone with a child it means you take on that child as your own. You don’t have to.

You simply have to be a good person in general… I treat my SCs with the same kindness and basic respect I’d treat any other human being.

Do I treat them the same as my own children though? No, not at all.
Are they cared for by their own parents and treaded with kindness by me? Yes, absolutely.

@SpongebobNoPants

I don’t love my stepchildren but I do care about their well-being, isn’t that enough?

I’m kind, welcoming, helpful and friendly towards them but in all honesty I could go long periods without seeing them and wouldn’t miss them. Not like my own children, who after a night or two away I miss incredibly.

I will never love my SCs as my own because

1. I didn’t grow and birth them
2. I met them when they already had well established personalities (ages 6 & 10 when I met them) which I had no hand in shaping or influencing
3. They have a very involved, loving mother so that role is happily already filled
4. I don’t see them enough to have a bond with them in the same way I do with my own children whom I raise on a daily basis
5. I have no rights to an input / say in how they’re brought up, so I don’t try to. They will grow up to be who they will be and that is out of my control
6. I don’t want to be a parental figure to them, I reserve that level of energy and care for my own biological children whom I have both a legal and moral obligation to raise.

But none of this means I’m a horrible stepmother. In fact I don’t actually want to be considered a step”mother” because I am in no way a parental figure to them.

That I am to them is another kind adult in their life who tries to help out and be considerate towards them, I just also happen to be in a long term relationship with their dad (soon to be my husband).

I also don’t expect my DP to parent my children, but I would if he was their dad.

It’s ok for OP to prioritise her own child, especially when making plans for her own child on times when she shouldn’t even have to consider her SC in her plans because she didn’t reasonably expect them to be present that day.

Having some personal photos of her pregnancy and biological son are absolutely fine too. I’m sure DSS’ mum has similar! Try

People need to let go of the notion that if you date / marry someone with a child it means you take on that child as your own. You don’t have to.

You simply have to be a good person in general… I treat my SCs with the same kindness and basic respect I’d treat any other human being.

Do I treat them the same as my own children though? No, not at all.
Are they cared for by their own parents and treaded with kindness by me? Yes, absolutely.

Love this! Very well put.

@SpongebobNoPants

I don’t love my stepchildren but I do care about their well-being, isn’t that enough?

I’m kind, welcoming, helpful and friendly towards them but in all honesty I could go long periods without seeing them and wouldn’t miss them. Not like my own children, who after a night or two away I miss incredibly.

I will never love my SCs as my own because

1. I didn’t grow and birth them
2. I met them when they already had well established personalities (ages 6 & 10 when I met them) which I had no hand in shaping or influencing
3. They have a very involved, loving mother so that role is happily already filled
4. I don’t see them enough to have a bond with them in the same way I do with my own children whom I raise on a daily basis
5. I have no rights to an input / say in how they’re brought up, so I don’t try to. They will grow up to be who they will be and that is out of my control
6. I don’t want to be a parental figure to them, I reserve that level of energy and care for my own biological children whom I have both a legal and moral obligation to raise.

But none of this means I’m a horrible stepmother. In fact I don’t actually want to be considered a step”mother” because I am in no way a parental figure to them.

That I am to them is another kind adult in their life who tries to help out and be considerate towards them, I just also happen to be in a long term relationship with their dad (soon to be my husband).

I also don’t expect my DP to parent my children, but I would if he was their dad.

It’s ok for OP to prioritise her own child, especially when making plans for her own child on times when she shouldn’t even have to consider her SC in her plans because she didn’t reasonably expect them to be present that day.

Having some personal photos of her pregnancy and biological son are absolutely fine too. I’m sure DSS’ mum has similar! Try

People need to let go of the notion that if you date / marry someone with a child it means you take on that child as your own. You don’t have to.

You simply have to be a good person in general… I treat my SCs with the same kindness and basic respect I’d treat any other human being.

Do I treat them the same as my own children though? No, not at all.
Are they cared for by their own parents and treaded with kindness by me? Yes, absolutely.

Nailed it.

Yep. Nailed it.

Tbh, I think that posts imagining that loving their stepchildren makes someone a better person are similar to the logic of people who think that having a well paid job makes them a better person.

The well paid person might be sitting there thinking: I worked really hard to get here, made sacrifices, moved away from my family, etc etc. Other people could do the same if they just worked hard and made good choices like me. They lack my willpower, work ethic, motivation…. Whatever.

In just the same way that people are seeing someone not loving their stepchildren as someone kind of moral deficit relative to them.

Except in both cases, the fact is that it’s a standard case of the social ‘winner’ congratulating themselves on being the ‘best’ and not recognising the confluence of factors and events that have come together to make it possible for them to win. (Just as winning an Olympic medal doesn’t actually mean you are the best out of everyone in the world; it means that you are the best of all the people who’ve had the support and the opportunities to train and compete for many years. It’s still an achievement but you don’t know that you’d be the best if everyone else had been able to do all the things that got you there).

So a little bit less smugness and self congratulation and a bit more empathy might be useful in general. It’s not a lack of being a nice person or even trying that means that some people find themselves tearing their hair out and dreading the thought of their SC coming again.

Kind of related to this is that there may also be another interpretation of what is happening. People who say they love their SC and even that they love them like their own children, might actually just have a lower bar for ‘love’, and particularly maternal love than others.

It’s not beyond the realms of possibility that those who are perplexed and say they cannot imagine loving a SC like their own child, just love their children much, much more fiercely than other people.

Again, this is not about moral superiority. But we have no idea at all what anyone else really means when they say they love or do not live a child. No idea how their experience of that might differ from our own. One person’s love might be another’s feeling quite warm towards people. People might just be talking across each other to some degree.

@BadlyFormedQuestion
I think that was a very brave post posing questions that people may feel awkward considering, but those are often the questions most worthwhile asking of ourselves.

The extra photos can be a huge sticking point OP. I had a picture of my youngest two on my dressing table. My eldest asked ( with a huge age gap) asked why she wasn't on their too.

Not taking SC on days out when unexpected visit - I can see why that bothers him. Its his child he doesnt want them to miss out after all his brother is going..

If your family save up its nothing to do with him.

Remember this is his precious first born too. he will feel exactly the same as you do about your son

[quote Youseethethingis]@BadlyFormedQuestion
I think that was a very brave post posing questions that people may feel awkward considering, but those are often the questions most worthwhile asking of ourselves.[/quote]
Well, I’m absolutely certain that lots of people will respond badly.

I agree though. There are a whole set of uncomfortable questions in and around this. And they are important.

But more than that, I really hope people might reflect a bit on where they are lacking empathy about stepmothers in general. It’s a huge problem on this board. And ironically a complete lack of empathy for SMs is often couched as empathy for stepchildren. That makes it worse really.

he will feel exactly the same as you do about your son
Obviously not, or he would have printed the photos and framed them, set up the savings account, been glad of the bonus one to one time with the kids instead of trying to palm them off on OP and her parents.

Not taking SC on days out when unexpected visit - I can see why that bothers him. Its his child he doesnt want them to miss out after all his brother is going..

But you've gone so far as to acknowledge that their visits are unexpected, how can you then not see that that can make taking them a practical impossibility?

@Evesgarden

The extra photos can be a huge sticking point OP. I had a picture of my youngest two on my dressing table. My eldest asked ( with a huge age gap) asked why she wasn't on their too.

Not taking SC on days out when unexpected visit - I can see why that bothers him. Its his child he doesnt want them to miss out after all his brother is going..

If your family save up its nothing to do with him.

Remember this is his precious first born too. he will feel exactly the same as you do about your son

Then why is HE not doing all these things for his precious first born?

Remember this is his precious first born too. he will feel exactly the same as you do about your son

And he also needs to accept that he chose to have children with more than one partner so he can’t have the nuclear family set up that he seems to think should be happening, and he can’t expect the OP to feel the same way as he does about his precious first born.
I’m not judging him for his choice to have children with more than one woman. That’s up to him.
But if he wants his first born to be thought of when it comes to photos like his second child has been then he needs to put the effort in rather than leaving it to OP who isn’t his mum.

If he was single then I doubt he would have any photos up of his children which is why this grates so much. As soon as he sees his second child in a nice photo he suddenly thinks it’s super important for his first child to have a photo put up too. But before his second child was born and before OP started framing photos of their joint child he probably didn’t even give a toss about stuff like that. Suddenly it’s the OP’s job to frame some photos of his first born too. He’s had years to be getting on with that.

@BadlyFormedQuestion that is a great post. Given me a lot to think about thank you.

And he also needs to accept that he chose to have children with more than one partner so he can’t have the nuclear family set up that he seems to think should be happening

It's like the opposite side of "you knew he had kids" thrown at SMs so often. So did he.

I just had to get it in
But in all seriousness, I think in his case it’s fully acceptable to tell him he knew what he was getting himself in to when he starts expecting a nuclear family dynamic when he doesn’t have one.

Oh I agree 100%

@aSofaNearYou

Not taking SC on days out when unexpected visit - I can see why that bothers him. Its his child he doesnt want them to miss out after all his brother is going..

But you've gone so far as to acknowledge that their visits are unexpected, how can you then not see that that can make taking them a practical impossibility?

If there is space in the car - he can go.

Tbh the posts on here regarding the way SM treat their SC are pretty awful. I really do feel sorry the kids. I know the dementors will flock to respond to this post but some of you really need to have a word with yourselves . Why the hell would you get with a man that you really dont intend to treat his children like part of your family or your Childs sibling? Its really fucking mean.

If there is space in the car - he can go.

It's a ticketed event that he wasn't invited to by the rest of the group. Two solid reasons there they might not be able to go.

@Evesgarden

Tbh the posts on here regarding the way SM treat their SC are pretty awful. I really do feel sorry the kids. I know the dementors will flock to respond to this post but some of you really need to have a word with yourselves . Why the hell would you get with a man that you really dont intend to treat his children like part of your family or your Childs sibling? Its really fucking mean.

Great input 🙄

"People who say they love their SC and even that they love them like their own children, might actually just have a lower bar for ‘love’, and particularly maternal love than others."

Rolling round in laughter at this tbh. Lovely. So actually people here are now resorting to saying SM who can't love another DC are just too full of love. But only for theirs. That's why they can't love SC...

Love is not selfish. Capacity to love increases when you share it, and when you love more. It's really simply, that the SMs having problems and encouraging each other not to love their SC here (not to be confused with SMs in general , I think most are wonderful actually) are just either projecting their dislike of the ex to the SC, or anger that they weren't the first, or anger that the DH has to be shared with another, or anger towards DH, or anger that family resources need to be shared etc... This probably is the inconvenient truth. Why not own it and not hide behind these excuses. Of course there may be exceptionally terribly behaved SC, or SC who are grown up and there's no possibility of a bond etc. But I'm not talking about those cases. I'm talking about incapability to love a little child who is part of your family accept it or not, and half of the man you love. It can really be only explained by projection, and not by the above bs of ohh I'm so full of love for my own..ffs...

@LuckyHindleyBells

"People who say they love their SC and even that they love them like their own children, might actually just have a lower bar for ‘love’, and particularly maternal love than others."

Rolling round in laughter at this tbh. Lovely. So actually people here are now resorting to saying SM who can't love another DC are just too full of love. But only for theirs. That's why they can't love SC...

Love is not selfish. Capacity to love increases when you share it, and when you love more. It's really simply, that the SMs having problems and encouraging each other not to love their SC here (not to be confused with SMs in general , I think most are wonderful actually) are just either projecting their dislike of the ex to the SC, or anger that they weren't the first, or anger that the DH has to be shared with another, or anger towards DH, or anger that family resources need to be shared etc... This probably is the inconvenient truth. Why not own it and not hide behind these excuses. Of course there may be exceptionally terribly behaved SC, or SC who are grown up and there's no possibility of a bond etc. But I'm not talking about those cases. I'm talking about incapability to love a little child who is part of your family accept it or not, and half of the man you love. It can really be only explained by projection, and not by the above bs of ohh I'm so full of love for my own..ffs...

I think my point has flown a long way over your head.