AIBU to just think FUCK OFF and let me enjoy my child?!

[Flainling]

My husband is always making me (or trying at least) feel guilty for just doing basic things with my child. Even accusing me of "pushing SC out" when I've done nothing of the sort.

He is only 10 months old. He's my first and my last.

Things have included:

• Making a photo album of DS. Not some big extravagant family craft activity where DSC are forced to glue pictures of their younger sibling into an album on a Saturday. Just me, doing it myself in the evening.

• taking my son out to little places with my family / to visit family and not taking everyone with me all the time. There have been a few unexpected days recently where DSC stayed with us when they wouldn't normally and I had plans with family. I didn't immediately change these to also take along DSC so I'm awful and "making it obvious I only want to spend time with my son".

• ordering a few pictures for our bedroom of DS for a photo frame my Mum got me for my birthday and putting it up on my dressing table. There are pictures of DSC up in the house as well but apparently there are more of DS and this is terrible (it's in our bedroom which none of the kids come in ).

• apparently just generally a bit obsessive with DS and I make it "obvious" I care more about him. Fucking yes I'm a bit obsessive. He's my first baby. Am I not allowed?!

• setting up a savings account (from my own personal money) which me and my family pay into for DS when DSC don't have one, as if that's up to me?!

There are more but I can't think right now.

AIBU to just think or even say FUCK OFF now and just let me enjoy my baby in peace ffs. It's like I'm not allowed to consider this my first child at all without "pushing DSC out". I don't even know what be means by that. I'm as kind as I always have been to DSC, who absolutely adore their brother too. But I'm not their mum and don't act like it nor do I wish to (or ever have?!).

It's really starting to piss me off. It's like I can't just do anything for my son without always thinking like this.

@LuckyHindleyBells

"People who say they love their SC and even that they love them like their own children, might actually just have a lower bar for ‘love’, and particularly maternal love than others."

Rolling round in laughter at this tbh. Lovely. So actually people here are now resorting to saying SM who can't love another DC are just too full of love. But only for theirs. That's why they can't love SC...

Love is not selfish. Capacity to love increases when you share it, and when you love more. It's really simply, that the SMs having problems and encouraging each other not to love their SC here (not to be confused with SMs in general , I think most are wonderful actually) are just either projecting their dislike of the ex to the SC, or anger that they weren't the first, or anger that the DH has to be shared with another, or anger towards DH, or anger that family resources need to be shared etc... This probably is the inconvenient truth. Why not own it and not hide behind these excuses. Of course there may be exceptionally terribly behaved SC, or SC who are grown up and there's no possibility of a bond etc. But I'm not talking about those cases. I'm talking about incapability to love a little child who is part of your family accept it or not, and half of the man you love. It can really be only explained by projection, and not by the above bs of ohh I'm so full of love for my own..ffs...

Do you think everyone loves every "little child" they meet? There are actually quite a few members of my family that I don't love, I don't love my MIL. I like her, get on well etc.. but I don't have any burning love for her, certainly v don't feel the same way about her as my own mother, same with BIL and his son and so on, it's not because I'm bitter about anything or anyone. Hate to break it to you but you don't have to, and can't be expected to, love everyone you meet, yes even if they are a child..dun dun dunnn.

I think it's odd that you are expected to just love someone simply because they happen to be young in age.

@Evesgarden

Tbh the posts on here regarding the way SM treat their SC are pretty awful. I really do feel sorry the kids. I know the dementors will flock to respond to this post but some of you really need to have a word with yourselves . Why the hell would you get with a man that you really dont intend to treat his children like part of your family or your Childs sibling? Its really fucking mean.

Can I ask, genuine question as well, what is it you find so awful? What is actually mean about anything the OP has done?

She has not said anywhere that her DSC were upset about any of this, it's her husband. And in reality when you look at the actual situations discussed, what is the problem with them? Making a photo album of a new baby is pretty normal, OP already said she did it alone in her evenings. The photos are in a frame specifically relating to becoming a mother and on her bedside table, not centre of the mantle piece. The trip out is a fantastic opportunity for Dad to spend quality 1:1 time with his older children, something which MNers are often quick to say is very important. The savings account can't even be set up by OP as only a parent can do that.

@LuckyHindleyBells

Agree *@conjourbonjour*. Attitudes are so sad on this board. Loving and treating a child the same as others in a family shouldn't be so difficult. Will never understand SMs spending a lot of their time arguing they don't, won't and can't love or even care about their dsc like it's so perfectly normal.

I think when one parent has died or has no contact it's much easier for the step-parent to be as involved as the actual parent.

But do you really want your Ex's new partner to be as important a part of your child's life as you are?

If there is space in the car - he can go.

I can just imagine the posts on MN years from now.

"My stepmother was a nice enough woman but one of the things I really resented - still do - was if we turned up she would insist we went out with her rather than spending time with our dad. I remember one time when she insisted we come on a trip to a farm with our little brother who was a baby and her family but not dad because they had planned it and because we turned up unexpectedlt we had to go too. I felt like she didn't want us to spend any time with our dad."

I think yanbu apart from a bit with the bedroom if you mean you only have photos of ds & not dsc in there.

Congratulations on your baby but as much as possible be a family. I think you are fine not to take them out all the time with your family though

@LuckyHindleyBells

"People who say they love their SC and even that they love them like their own children, might actually just have a lower bar for ‘love’, and particularly maternal love than others."

Rolling round in laughter at this tbh. Lovely. So actually people here are now resorting to saying SM who can't love another DC are just too full of love. But only for theirs. That's why they can't love SC...

Love is not selfish. Capacity to love increases when you share it, and when you love more. It's really simply, that the SMs having problems and encouraging each other not to love their SC here (not to be confused with SMs in general , I think most are wonderful actually) are just either projecting their dislike of the ex to the SC, or anger that they weren't the first, or anger that the DH has to be shared with another, or anger towards DH, or anger that family resources need to be shared etc... This probably is the inconvenient truth. Why not own it and not hide behind these excuses. Of course there may be exceptionally terribly behaved SC, or SC who are grown up and there's no possibility of a bond etc. But I'm not talking about those cases. I'm talking about incapability to love a little child who is part of your family accept it or not, and half of the man you love. It can really be only explained by projection, and not by the above bs of ohh I'm so full of love for my own..ffs...

Ah hold no, you seemed to have missed the previous persons point. The reality is that all situations, families and children are different.

Your truth is not another's, your reality is not another's, but that doesn't mean either or wrong or right and one person is evil/defective and another is a saint.

It's harmful to deny another persons reality when you haven't lived it or walked in that persons shoes. Opinions aren't facts .

On this board people can go around denying someone else's reality and making them out to be monsters when really actually the situation requires as certain amount of empathy for all players of there game. If you can't do that for say a SM (without shaming them or saying something dumb like you know what you got into) then your letting your bias and frankly uneducated perspective show.

Critical thinking is required and the only way to truly examine a cube is to look at it from all sides.

I think that the whole SM vs DM (or SF vs DF) is entirely missing the point - perhaps they are unable to see past their own lives, but this board has been totally hijacked with other people’s agendas.
We need to focus on the SITUATION.

OP + DH
One child together. DH has two DC with EXW. OP states that EXW is loving and kids are happy, etc. There is no obvious enmity between EXW and OP.

The issues are DH changing access arrangement without consulting OP and expecting her to be responsible for 100% of the care and supervision of his children.
If the OP has something prearranged with HER family (NOT) related to these children, he expects them to either a) Take them to all of these events and pay for the entrance fees, food, etc out of their own pockets, etc. (Either OP’s savings or her parents.) OR he attempts to guilt-trip OP into cancelling the pre-arranged event so that he doesn’t have to look after HIS OWN kids that he organised to see on that date.

This clearly shows that he does not value the OP’s time, but he places importance on his own and his EXW’s. His also very happy to spend her savings and her parent’s money. Utterly disrespectful, CF of the highest order.

As for trying to guilt trip her into setting up savings accounts for HIS kids with HER money. Umm… see above CF statement. (Also not possible.)

His “I’m not a Hands-On Dad” parenting manifesto is a very clear statement about what he expects from everything. He wants other people to do it for him. He knows that his kids are included in the photo frame because he has eyes. He is trying to guilt-trip OP into doing more photos of HIS kids. He is trying to guilt-trip her into doing photos albums of HIS kids too. He expects her to feel bad and say, “Oh, I’ll do that, too.”
Fuck that shit…
I bet he parents by saying “Daddy’s too tired - ask Mummy/SM.”

This has absolutely NOTHING to do with OP being a SM.
This is 100% the DH

Spongebon = absolutely.
Care about them but not love them.

@LuckyHindleyBells

"People who say they love their SC and even that they love them like their own children, might actually just have a lower bar for ‘love’, and particularly maternal love than others."

Rolling round in laughter at this tbh. Lovely. So actually people here are now resorting to saying SM who can't love another DC are just too full of love. But only for theirs. That's why they can't love SC...

Love is not selfish. Capacity to love increases when you share it, and when you love more. It's really simply, that the SMs having problems and encouraging each other not to love their SC here (not to be confused with SMs in general , I think most are wonderful actually) are just either projecting their dislike of the ex to the SC, or anger that they weren't the first, or anger that the DH has to be shared with another, or anger towards DH, or anger that family resources need to be shared etc... This probably is the inconvenient truth. Why not own it and not hide behind these excuses. Of course there may be exceptionally terribly behaved SC, or SC who are grown up and there's no possibility of a bond etc. But I'm not talking about those cases. I'm talking about incapability to love a little child who is part of your family accept it or not, and half of the man you love. It can really be only explained by projection, and not by the above bs of ohh I'm so full of love for my own..ffs...

Yeah that post really did go WAY over your head, didn't it. So many flat out false assumptions here, as well.

There are no SMs here encouraging each other not to love their step children, there are just posters who are aware it doesn't always happen and aren't tearing each other apart for it. You clearly prefer it when people do do that, yet you dress it up as moral superiority.

And no, not loving your step child is not automatically to do with projecting anything, nice ironic piece of projection from you there! My stepson just isn't my child so he isn't naturally endearing to me and a lot of his behaviour is very, very irritating as a result. I care about him but I don't love him. I don't love any small children who aren't mine, why do you assume being a child makes you more lovable? It usually makes you more challenging to be around.

Why do you think being related to the man you love would make someone more loveable? I don't love anyone else in my DPs family. Do you feel overcome with love for people just because they are related to your DP/DH? It's strange logic that gets brought out on here all the time, it makes zero sense.

A partner should always be free to express their opinion even if it is not in agreement with your opinion. Not being able to that implies that they should only speak when they are in agreement with you. In essence your opinion would then control the dialogue in your home.

Even when disagreeing with your opinion , your partner cannot force you to do anything that you do not wish to do.

If you allow your partner's opinions to control your feelings on any subject or experience, that is not him controlling you ,instead that is you willingly ceding control of your feelings. Fixing that situation means changing your responses rather than his opinions.

As an adult, you are in control of your responses. When my children were infants, there was not a single thing that anyone else could have said or done that would have diminished the love, pleasure, and enjoyment that I experienced when interacting with my babies. The first time experience is experienced between you and your baby; it is not an experience that someone else permits you to have.

Oh come on @Tattler2

Yes everyone is entitled to their opinion but there are contexts in which expressing them can make you a dick, and have an unfairly negative affect on the people around them.

It's very tiresome that posters are having to constantly explain this pretty basic fact of life to you.

my children were infants, there was not a single thing that anyone else could have said or done that would have diminished the love, pleasure, and enjoyment that I experienced when interacting with my babies I'm sure if someone had told you were a shit parent while you were struggling to look after them that would have dampened your enjoyment somewhat

If you allow your partner's opinions to control your feelings on any subject or experience, that is not him controlling you ,instead that is you willingly ceding control of your feelings. this is a really off way of looking at things. If someone says something hurtful to you how is it your fault for feeling hurt?

@aSofaNearYou
Not everyone is so self absorbed or insecure that they need validation from those around them in order to have a perfectly normal experience without making it the responsibility of others to ensure they ability to have a normal yet simple experience.

Women are other so infantilized on this site. There is always someone suggesting that women lack the ability to control their own responses or that they need to be protected from an ex.

How do so many women manage to live in worlds were their ability to have a positive experience is predicated on someone else reaction or someone else's ability to shield or protect them.

A woman has a child and she loves, bonds, and experiences it and that is the first time birth experience. It is not something that requires permission or agreement from anyone else.

@Tattler2 most people don't just experience one emotion at a time and shut out all those they aren't wanting to experience. You can be absolutely in love and bonding with your own child while at the same time being disappointed your partner is making it all about his other kids.

It's really really unhealthy to try and bottle up negative emotions and pretend they don't exist

[quote Tattler2]@aSofaNearYou
Not everyone is so self absorbed or insecure that they need validation from those around them in order to have a perfectly normal experience without making it the responsibility of others to ensure they ability to have a normal yet simple experience.

Women are other so infantilized on this site. There is always someone suggesting that women lack the ability to control their own responses or that they need to be protected from an ex.

How do so many women manage to live in worlds were their ability to have a positive experience is predicated on someone else reaction or someone else's ability to shield or protect them.

A woman has a child and she loves, bonds, and experiences it and that is the first time birth experience. It is not something that requires permission or agreement from anyone else.[/quote]
Frankly Tattler, your logic on this is just really weird.

Women are not being infantalized, it's not about needing validation or praise from others it's about the fact that unsolicited, hurtfully expressed criticisms can hurt. This is a very basic fact of life and your patronising denial of this is, as a PP pointed out, very much low level victim blaming. It makes it impossible to ever ackowledge that someone's behaviour and methods of communication can be poor.

If someone said "you look hideous in that dress" to their wife would you really just think "they should be able to express their opinion to their partner at any time, what a child that woman is needing validation, he hasn't been hurtful she has immaturely CHOSEN to be hurt"? It's bizarre, and not how relationships work.

@aSofaNearYou
In this situation , we are talking about a partner expressing what may be his strongly felt opinion about the treatment of both of his children in his home. I am not agreeing or disagreeing with his opinion but I feel strongly that he should have the right to express his opinion. His opinion is just his opinion ; it does not become law or a mandate because he states it. The OP too is free to express her opinion and free to act as she chooses.

In your example of the dress, a partner can and should be able to tell you that he finds an outfit to be less than flattering without being offensive.

Hopefully, adults can manage to both share their honest thoughts and respect each others differing opinions without feeling that they are being cheated or denied the opportunity to experience their own individual reactions and response.

You do not have a first birth experience because someone else agrees with or permits you to do so. Your partner is the one person with whom you should be able to be completely honest without fear of censorship. Being honest does not mean being offensive, but it does mean that you can openly state your thoughts without hesitation or fear.

@Tattler2 Oh crack on, nobody will ever change your mindset but to the majority of people, it is very obvious that you should not have total freedom to repeatedly express your feelings, whatever they are, to your spouse, and it's very obvious that people can be responsible for their words upsetting others, rather than the other person being a needy, whiny mess for being at all bothered.

@Tattler2 Correct me if I'm wrong but you literally started out on this forum complaining about your DP coming to you with complaints about your kids, ie, expressing his adult feelings with his partner.

Your opinion here is seeming pretty hypocritical with that in mind...

@Tattler2 Besides that, you are just once again slipping from your usual off piste but broadly well intentioned commentary to something actually extremely patronising and unpleasant.

I sincerely hope you never talk to anybody that has experienced abuse with your views on people being "mature and responsible for their own responses".

At what point , do you become a mature equal who is responsible for your own reactions rather than someone who has to be managed like a fragile plant that has to be carefully handled?

Survivor of emotional domestic abuse here.. pretty insulted by this comment to be honest. Reminds me a lot of when my ex would say "you're being too sensitive" just after he had crushed my confidence.

@cowburp

At what point , do you become a mature equal who is responsible for your own reactions rather than someone who has to be managed like a fragile plant that has to be carefully handled?

Survivor of emotional domestic abuse here.. pretty insulted by this comment to be honest. Reminds me a lot of when my ex would say "you're being too sensitive" just after he had crushed my confidence.

Completely agree, it's really quite a shocking attitude.

@aSofaNearYou ah didn't notice your comment just above mine.