AIBU to just think FUCK OFF and let me enjoy my child?!

[Flainling]

My husband is always making me (or trying at least) feel guilty for just doing basic things with my child. Even accusing me of "pushing SC out" when I've done nothing of the sort.

He is only 10 months old. He's my first and my last.

Things have included:

• Making a photo album of DS. Not some big extravagant family craft activity where DSC are forced to glue pictures of their younger sibling into an album on a Saturday. Just me, doing it myself in the evening.

• taking my son out to little places with my family / to visit family and not taking everyone with me all the time. There have been a few unexpected days recently where DSC stayed with us when they wouldn't normally and I had plans with family. I didn't immediately change these to also take along DSC so I'm awful and "making it obvious I only want to spend time with my son".

• ordering a few pictures for our bedroom of DS for a photo frame my Mum got me for my birthday and putting it up on my dressing table. There are pictures of DSC up in the house as well but apparently there are more of DS and this is terrible (it's in our bedroom which none of the kids come in ).

• apparently just generally a bit obsessive with DS and I make it "obvious" I care more about him. Fucking yes I'm a bit obsessive. He's my first baby. Am I not allowed?!

• setting up a savings account (from my own personal money) which me and my family pay into for DS when DSC don't have one, as if that's up to me?!

There are more but I can't think right now.

AIBU to just think or even say FUCK OFF now and just let me enjoy my baby in peace ffs. It's like I'm not allowed to consider this my first child at all without "pushing DSC out". I don't even know what be means by that. I'm as kind as I always have been to DSC, who absolutely adore their brother too. But I'm not their mum and don't act like it nor do I wish to (or ever have?!).

It's really starting to piss me off. It's like I can't just do anything for my son without always thinking like this.

@BadlyFormedQuestion

Your doubt that even some stepchildren are loved and that the love is likely to be fake says a lot more about you than you think.

There are three entities here:

Dad = should absolutely treat all three of his kids equally (note I did not say identically).

OP = is obviously going to treat her child somewhat differently than stepchildren.

BUT... household (third entity) = The overall environment created in the home shared by OP and her husband. OP needs to be sensitive that her special feelings for her own child don’t result in the stepchildren feeling less valued here. (i’m not suggesting she is. I’m just pointing this out. ) It is the step children’s home also. I realize this is a vague and difficult statement.

It’s easy to dismiss preferential treatment of OP’s child in the household by saying, “oh, they have another household and a mother, so they already get equal stuff elsewhere. We don’t need to treat them the same.” But let’s examine this argument with an extreme example. You’re out for a family day at the zoo. OP’s kid gets $10 to spend. The stepchildren get $5 each “because surely their mom must’ve taken them to the zoo separately at some point, and already given them some money. OP’s child needs this made up to them.” Or some Rube Goldberg calculus scheme where everyone gets $10 but the extra five dollars can only come from dad’s wallet so that every child learns exactly who values them, that the household is made up of individual subfamilies, and how it’s critical to adults to never have to sacrifice their financial/time investment preference for their personal child. Doesn’t feel nice to have adults carving up who cares about you, down to the last picture frame. It’s not an environment any kid wants to live in.

So the question is: Is the household environment one which is equally valuing of every child? A household that doesn’t beat the stepchildren over the head with “all the equal stuff they must be getting at their mothers house?” I’m not stating that OP is doing this. I’m not suggesting she go to ridiculous lengths to compromise, such as canceling already formed plans with her family. I’m simply posing this question for her and her husband to think about, which to me is the critical one.

Your husband was married to someone who did the wife work. And now he is married to someone else who does the wife work but it's still not good enough. He needs to have a word with himself before he finds history repeating itself!

I have to add, reading the comments on this thread, I was very lucky. My stepfather loved me. He didn’t wave his hand when I had problems and say, “you have two parents and I’m not one of them, why should I be expected to love you?” He’s older now with a lot of health problems and as he ages I plan to absolutely go to equal lengths to help him, as I did for my bio father when he had terminal cancer. If he had blown me off as a child with behavior of that type, you can damn well bet I wouldn’t be to so eager to help him. (He does have a biological child (my half sister), but financially and emotionally she is unfortunately not capable of some things and my mom/stepdad have decided to make me their medical POA, not their shared child.)

It’s always good to remember that you reap what you sow. How you treat children now might come back to haunt you in the future when you’re the one who is vulnerable.

@LuckyHindleyBells

"So you have booked a day at the farm or baby soft play or whatever with you the baby and your parents. DSD is not supposed to be there that day, but suddenly is. Instead of her spending time with her dad, you think it's better and more enjoyable for her to come with you and the baby and your parents, to an activity that's probably not aimed at her age group?"

As reply to @noosmummy12 this doesn't make any sense. In the above scenario everyone can spend time together as a family. Why is this such a problem to take your DSD with you? I wouldn't dream of excluding her on purpose with the excuse that she should be with her dad. Let's go and enjoy together. If she doesn't want, cos it's a baby play space and she's older, that's a different matter. Give a choice.

Because it's dumb and unrealistic.

Plenty of non blended families do separate things with various children depending on age and interests.

As long as there are family days, and days when the DSC can spend time with their dad(preferably one to one) OP can take her kid to a prebooked activity on her own without being guilt tripped. Especially if the DSC shows up with no notice and/or it's booked by someone else.

Plenty of non blended families do separate things with various children depending on age and interests.

As long as there are family days, and days when the DSC can spend time with their dad(preferably one to one) OP can take her kid to a prebooked activity on her own without being guilt tripped. Especially if the DSC shows up with no notice and/or it's booked by someone else.

This. Everything else in this thread is pretty unnecessary. I often had days ou with my DDs individually, as did my late DH. When he had to retire on ill health grounds, he even took them on separate little holidays while I was still working. They loved it.

@TryingToBeLogical
Convincing an argument though that is, I don't have photos/savings account/days out with my own son in the hope that he will nurse me in my old age so I certainly won't be doing it for my DSD to make her feel obliged in any way.
For the avoidance of doubt I have photos of my sons because I love them, I opened a savings account because I have a responsibility to provide, being the legal/biological mother, I take him on days out because I am responsible for bringing him up as best I can and that is a part of it. I repeat, none of this is done so that he will take me on in my old age.
None of this is up for negotiation if DH ever thought I was being too good to my child.
None of this is my place or responsibility to a child other than my own.
It's perfectly possible to be kind a kind, caring, supportive presence without taking on a parental role that nobody wants you in and everyone rub along quite nicely. I wouldn't say I blow off DSD at all. But she knows who her mum is and it ain't me.

Youseethethingis

That’s good, it would be pretty awful if you did.

Fortunately, people can still benefit from altruistic behavior. In fact I think the universe is a nicer place when they do.

Happily, one doesn’t require the horror of an obligation to want to reward kindness.

Interesting point. The problem is that all that I and other SMs do for our DSC seems to count for nowt with some people.
For example, it wasn't out of obligation that I've collected her from her mum's house to take her to class parties that were hellish to reach without a car. Neither parent drives and I didn't want her to miss out because I care about her very much.
But it's zero to 60 in about 0.01 seconds around here and because I don't feel any particular need to muscle on on her mothers territory or financially provide for her etc, it all counts for nothing and apparently should not expect her to even pop around and visit me in my old age.
So that kindness you talk about seems to be slipping away somewhat.

@LuckyHindleyBells

"I don't think anyone is saying it's impossible to love someone else's kid, just that most people don't (especially as much as their own kids) and that is normal."

I would dispute the "most people" which normalises this. Don't think it's most people. Most I know do. Maybe most you know don't. We all live in our echo Chambers.

Also the way you speak about it harsh. "someone else's kid" . This is your DH or dp's child, whom hopefully you love, and whose child is your family. It's not a random person you just met. It's a matter of perspective. Clearly you have a different one than others. Not sure about "most" though. You can't be sure either...

My point was that most people don't ever love another kid as much as their own, notwithstanding the fact that some do adopt and feel that way. Not specific to step parents loving their step children.

You speak as though you come from a place of empathy but actually you are trying to say that something that is quite clearly very commonplace should not be "normalised", as in, people should be and feel shamed for it. It's not a good look.

Also, there's nothing harsh about the phrase "someone else's kid", that's you projecting, there's no insult in those words. Saying they are your DH or DPs child is just another way of saying they are someone else's kids, we are seperate people from our partners.

Youseethethingis*

I’m sorry that is happening. Even
when kindness is given with no expectation of reward, it’s sad to observe the recipient
not recognizing that a kindness existed, that energy or effort was spent. It makes the world feel run down and random. There are some philosophies that believe no kindness is ever wasted, that they all register
somewhere - even the secret ones, the ones gone unnoticed and unappreciated, the ones trampled on by insensitive and unaware people. (It would be nice to think so.)

In any case, please do a small kindness for yourself today, one that you know will count!

@Flainling I’ve just read all your posts (not rtft though). You sound like a great mum and step mum. You also, come across as a person who is level headed with healthy boundaries. Yanbu.

@Bagelsandbrie

Hmm I’m not sure. How old is dsc? If they are of an age where they know there’s a nice day out planned and they’re excluded thats wrong in my opinion. I think you should treat the children as if they are the same - savings etc as well, I think he needs to set up a savings account and save the same in that for both children as when they get older they will have huge rows about it otherwise as one will have more than the other.

What complete nonsense ! If the OP has a day planned with her baby and her family like fuck she should alter her plans ! It's for her DH to take the day off and amuse HIS children. Bank accounts ???? What ? With her own income .No way !! If her step children's father and mother choose to do this then they can crack on !

@TryingToBeLogical

I know of step-parents like your step-father. The love wasn’t insincere it is genuine. Refreshing to hear and disproves a lot of what some posters say.

I don’t think anyone would begrudge the OP the precious time with her son and she shouldn’t feel guilty at all about it.

I think some of us find the attitude to step children really cold and phases such as ‘they have their own mum for that’ come across as excuses, not in all cases, but some.

[quote Tillsforthrills]@TryingToBeLogical

I know of step-parents like your step-father. The love wasn’t insincere it is genuine. Refreshing to hear and disproves a lot of what some posters say.

I don’t think anyone would begrudge the OP the precious time with her son and she shouldn’t feel guilty at all about it.

I think some of us find the attitude to step children really cold and phases such as ‘they have their own mum for that’ come across as excuses, not in all cases, but some.[/quote]
You know that a single anecdote (or even a collection of them) doesn’t disprove anything about other people’s experiences. That’s not how it works.

Plus, systematic research shows quite clearly that most stepparents do struggle. Again, anecdote does not disprove data.

Given your very obvious position in the subject, I would suggest to you that no one you know would ever even hint to you that they did not love their stepchildren. People only admit that when they have a safe space to do so.

@BadlyFormedQuestion

Oh no, as I’ve said I know it’s rare.

So according to you, the love I’ve witnessed between a step parent and their two step children is just a ploy to satisfy me and trick others but they secretly don’t like their step kids. Got it.

[quote Tillsforthrills]@BadlyFormedQuestion

Oh no, as I’ve said I know it’s rare.

So according to you, the love I’ve witnessed between a step parent and their two step children is just a ploy to satisfy me and trick others but they secretly don’t like their step kids. Got it.[/quote]
No. What I’m saying is that you have no idea what’s actually going on there. Because people rarely make their struggles as a stepmother known because it’s so socially unacceptable.

They might love their stepchildren. They might be faking it. You just do not know.

It’s actually an issue for researching this. People will often not admit - even anonymously - that they don’t love or actually dislike their stepchildren because the evil stepmother/won’t anyone think of the children? narrative is so strong in society. It’s a huge taboo to say: I don’t like my husband’s children.

Also, loving your stepchildren doesn’t mean you are a better person than the people struggling with theirs.

Mostly it means the stars aligned and you got a confluence of good circumstances that mean you can love your stepchildren. You’re not struggling with a Disney dad who scapegoats you, or a vicious, interfering ExW, or children caught up in loyalty binds so tight they might strangle everyone, or all the other things that leave lovely, kind women feeling like evil hags because they cannot love or even like their stepchildren.

@Tillsforthrills ok so I have said I love my DSD in past and it's true but it's not the same love I have for my DD. It's more akin to the love I have for a niece say. The same intensity sure but not the same.
It's also the exception to the rule.

I can happily say this and say at times I actively really disliked my DSD especially when we have to rehome family dog as he was being hurt by DSD and was frankly cruel and acting in a 0 empathy space. This was witnessed by her mum and she lied about it and it was honestly chilling. She was far to old for this to be put down to not knowing right from wrong. We have had some down right disturbing conversations but now I see it as a quirk to just manage.

I actively dislike children/adult that lie or are cruel, that applies to all kids/adults but with SC you can't say that because you would get jumped on. That shame keeps women from telling how they feel and that in turn makes the problem larger

Lots of people get confused with disliking a situation to disliking a child because they are put in that they have no control or ability to fix and supposed to smile through the pain.You can put out all the usual shaming comments you like "oh you knew what it would be like" but no one is mystic Meg. This lack of control and overt positivity in the face of hardship is a common dislike in all humans.

You can love and be kindly to them still and dislike/sometimes hate someone at the same time. This rule doesn't vanish in blended families.

I would also argue that I haven't been able to be the best SP because I haven't been objective enough and letting my personal feelings SD cloud my judgement. Meaning SD didn't get what really she needed and got away with really extreme behaviour for far to long.
This had to happen when I had my hands literally tied by RP who was happy to pretend her DD was some type of angel and that hurting a dog repeatedly was kinda what kids do 🤯 and would not get DD the help she so so needed.

If I ever found the ability to reset history I would nacho more and probably have warm feelings for her but not to the level where it effects my vision as a SP. My vision is effected now though.

If you haven't walked in the shoes SP with a high conflict ex or difficult child or Disney dad it's hard to empathise.

That's why it's so clear to anyone who are the step parents on this thread and who are people with step parenting issues projecting because they don't understand the nuances of step parenting so cannot and sometimes flat out refuse to acknowledge.

@TryingToBeLogical what a beautiful thing to read

So does he expect the stepchild's mother to do all these things for your child, as well as the SC? I bet he doesn't!

@Rainallnight

I don’t understand these men who expect women to do all this emotional labour for THEIR children

This.

This is an interesting place, Mumsnet, where loving someone doesn’t make you a better person. I’m gonna choose to love my stepdad for real. Although perhaps he actually sits around with other stepdads discussing the fast one he pulled over on little me with his performance, laughing at how gullible I was to presume his fake love was actually sincere and wanting to return it. Maybe that thread is over on Dadsnet.
My “bio dad” was a disaster, BTW. Thank god my lovely, kind stepdad didn’t hold that against me.

@TryingToBeLogical

This is an interesting place, Mumsnet, where loving someone doesn’t make you a better person. I’m gonna choose to love my stepdad for real. Although perhaps he actually sits around with other stepdads discussing the fast one he pulled over on little me with his performance, laughing at how gullible I was to presume his fake love was actually sincere and wanting to return it. Maybe that thread is over on Dadsnet. My “bio dad” was a disaster, BTW. Thank god my lovely, kind stepdad didn’t hold that against me.

What dramatics. That's not what a single person has said.

No it doesn't make you a better person if you love your step child like your own child. It doesn't make you better than someone who doesn't feel the same way about their SC. Providing you are still kind, considerate, welcoming and encouraging of their relationship with their parent, you do not have to love step children like your own child and it doesn't make you any less than another person who is able to do that.

There are so many differences in everyone's situation and I think people struggle to accept that when it comes to blended families.

I also have a step dad, a really lovely one, one who's always treated me warmly and I really enjoy having in my life. I don't really care whether or not he "loves me like his own child", he probably doesn't, he's always been a positive in my life regardless though so does it matter?🤷‍♀️

He isn't my Dad though, who is very involved in my life and a good Dad all round. I don't love my SD like my father, we don't have the same relationship and that is fine, I've never wanted him to treat me like a father and he hasn't. That's just the way our family works. No one is better than us because theirs works differently.

And no one has said everyone who says they love their SC is faking it, again that's dramatics. They suggested some people would never say if they didn't because society makes it such a taboo not to (ridiculous). It's impossible to actually know what another person feels at the end of the day.

I have step children, they have an involved mother. I have never gotten the impression from them that they wanted that in me. I was not going to force some maternal relationship with children who didn't want it. It's developed naturally into a relationship that works for us, not mother and child but it works and they are happy. No I don't love them like I love my DC, personally I think that would be impossible for me (notice I say me, not everyone before you start with the dramatics again).

@TryingToBeLogical
Do you think your DSD would have done everything exactly the same if your bio dad had been up to the job?