AIBU to just think FUCK OFF and let me enjoy my child?!

[Flainling]

My husband is always making me (or trying at least) feel guilty for just doing basic things with my child. Even accusing me of "pushing SC out" when I've done nothing of the sort.

He is only 10 months old. He's my first and my last.

Things have included:

• Making a photo album of DS. Not some big extravagant family craft activity where DSC are forced to glue pictures of their younger sibling into an album on a Saturday. Just me, doing it myself in the evening.

• taking my son out to little places with my family / to visit family and not taking everyone with me all the time. There have been a few unexpected days recently where DSC stayed with us when they wouldn't normally and I had plans with family. I didn't immediately change these to also take along DSC so I'm awful and "making it obvious I only want to spend time with my son".

• ordering a few pictures for our bedroom of DS for a photo frame my Mum got me for my birthday and putting it up on my dressing table. There are pictures of DSC up in the house as well but apparently there are more of DS and this is terrible (it's in our bedroom which none of the kids come in ).

• apparently just generally a bit obsessive with DS and I make it "obvious" I care more about him. Fucking yes I'm a bit obsessive. He's my first baby. Am I not allowed?!

• setting up a savings account (from my own personal money) which me and my family pay into for DS when DSC don't have one, as if that's up to me?!

There are more but I can't think right now.

AIBU to just think or even say FUCK OFF now and just let me enjoy my baby in peace ffs. It's like I'm not allowed to consider this my first child at all without "pushing DSC out". I don't even know what be means by that. I'm as kind as I always have been to DSC, who absolutely adore their brother too. But I'm not their mum and don't act like it nor do I wish to (or ever have?!).

It's really starting to piss me off. It's like I can't just do anything for my son without always thinking like this.

@Tattler2

Resilience doesn't necessarily depend on merit! So many building blocks are needed to create it. Happy childhood without the more devastating life events that can happen, reasonable nutrition, an experience of life where your actions lead to some control over your life, an education that teaches you to recognize good opportunities and to take them, and what poor choices look like and to avoid them etc etc.

Those who are resilient are usually standing on the shoulders of giants.

@Tattler2 the OP’s partner, what he says, how he conducts himself can absolutely impact / take the wind out of the sails of her experience of being a first time mum. How you say this isn’t possible is beyond me. Again, you’re just very black and white. With zero empathy.

The OP is gifted a frame from family. A family that celebrates her son. She puts photos of her/ her bump/ her son in there.
The healthy/ kind response from the partner is (at best (to compliment). At worse keep his mouth shut and sort the photos out in a way that he has a frame of a photo of his kids.

The bank account. This is the OP’s partners child, being prioritised by the Op and the OP’s family. It’s his child. Not some stranger. And family is putting money aside to help with that child’s future. Again (in my mind) the human response is to be grateful that a child is being looked after in this manner. Again, if he can’t bring himself to be grateful, then perhaps again he can even this out and open bank accounts for his other children.

My point is this. Everytime the OP’s partner has a response that isn’t based in gratitude, or praise, it will have the impact of actually tarnishing something that gives the OP happiness/ pride/ pleasure.

I’m not saying that the OP’s partner is abusive, but this is how abusive behaviour can start. It is small, insidious cuts/ slights. And for you to dismiss the impact of it is ridiculous.

What this man is doing is hideous behaviour. He’s clearly jealous and also quite a shit parent in his own right. But as opposed to working on himself/ upping his game, his modus operandi is to critique his partner. (Again, this is how abusive behaviour starts).

The OP is gifted a frame from family. A family that celebrates her son. She puts photos of her/ her bump/ her son in there.
The healthy/ kind response from the partner is (at best (to compliment). At worse keep his mouth shut and sort the photos out in a way that he has a frame of a photo of his kids.

As a FTM and SM I just wanted to say this really resonated with me. It is tricky enough sometimes thinking that I am experiencing firsts that he has experienced with someone else. If he were to turn around and tarnish my experience I would find it incredibly hard to forgive him. He got to have his experience I should be able to have mine. Lucky my DH understands this but I can't imagine how hard it must be for every action you do to be countered with but what about these other children who you will never feel the same about?

The OP's partner cannon stop her from having whatever positive feelings and experiences that come with being a new mom oh he absolutely can.. OP doesn't live in a bubble. Have you heard the phrase "don't rain on someone's parade?" That is exactly what he's doing.

I cringe every time you say “MY baby”. Surely he is both of yours whether you do everything for him or not. I have a dsd who is 13. If she was at our house on a day where I had planned something with my family I wouldn’t for a second not take her. It’s not about her spending time with my family, but about us spending time together (her, me and the children I share with her dad), but then it’s very rare we dont do things aa a couple as opposed to one of us with our family etc

@AchyFlower exactly.

This man is behaving Terribly, not only towards his partner, but also their child. Yet because this poor Op is a SM, she’s being piled upon with wails off the ‘poooor SC’. Even though the parent who is lacking and being shit is the father.

Some people on here should be ashamed of themselves! The Op has every right to enjoy her first child. And to put that child first. It’s not her responsibility to ensure her SC have bank accounts, or a photo frame on her partners bedside table. It’s his.

It’s not her job to put her life on hold on the off chance that he changes contact arrangements without consulting her. She and her child have every right to enjoy these years, just them, with her family, without having to involve children (whom she didn’t even know would be there!)

@noosmummy12 good for you. That works for you. And? Is this now a mandate of what everyone else should do?
You want to take your SC, fine. OP doesnt? Equally fine. Her responsibility is herself and her child, over and above SC. She won’t get these years back and I (in her shoes) would be doing the exact same.

@noosmummy12

I cringe every time you say “MY baby”. Surely he is both of yours whether you do everything for him or not. I have a dsd who is 13. If she was at our house on a day where I had planned something with my family I wouldn’t for a second not take her. It’s not about her spending time with my family, but about us spending time together (her, me and the children I share with her dad), but then it’s very rare we dont do things aa a couple as opposed to one of us with our family etc

So you have booked a day at the farm or baby soft play or whatever with you the baby and your parents. DSD is not supposed to be there that day, but suddenly is. Instead of her spending time with her dad, you think it's better and more enjoyable for her to come with you and the baby and your parents, to an activity that's probably not aimed at her age group?

It's actually made me a bit teary now. It's so cruel to try and dampen OP's first time mum experience.

@noosmummy12

I cringe every time you say “MY baby”. Surely he is both of yours whether you do everything for him or not. I have a dsd who is 13. If she was at our house on a day where I had planned something with my family I wouldn’t for a second not take her. It’s not about her spending time with my family, but about us spending time together (her, me and the children I share with her dad), but then it’s very rare we dont do things aa a couple as opposed to one of us with our family etc

Firstly, OP was clearly specifying that her son was "MY baby" to separate him from the step children, who are not hers, rather than separating him as her child and not her DHs. That's just twisting her words unnecessarily.

As to the second part about it not being about them spending time with OPs family- that is literally what that day trip was. It's incredibly poor form to show up to a day trip you've organised with your family and say "oh sorry, it's not about spending time with you, it's about the kids spending time with each other and me spending time with them."

I cringe every time I see an SM berated for mundane, normal things, such as refering to her child as being her child, opening a savings account for her child, having photos of her child by her bed.
I was once told on here I was disgusting for refering to my son as "my toddler" instead of as DSDs brother. Apparently it was a sign I despise her.
It's difficult to take some people seriously.
It's so difficult to to

I was once told on here I was disgusting for refering to my son as "my toddler" instead of as DSDs brother

As if it wasn't hard enough being a stepmum and navigating a new family set up. I'm sorry this happened to you. Your son is a person in his own right and deserves to be special to their parents.

Thankfully some people adopt children and are able to love them, some step-parents do too. It’s not as impossible as some posters would have you believe!

It must be an eye opener when marrying someone with children, thinking they’re amazing, then having your own child with them, loving them with all your heart slowly realising your DH isn’t all you thought he was. Because you realise and compare and see he’s actually a shit dad which means he’s just a shit selfish person.

Thankfully some people adopt children and are able to love them, some step-parents do too. It’s not as impossible as some posters would have you believe
I did not adopt DSD when I married her father. Her mother would have had s thing or two to say about that, I'm sure.

@AchyFlower
It was fine, it gave everyone on the thread a laugh. Too stupid to be taken to heart.

Thankfully some people adopt children and are able to love them, some step-parents do too. It’s not as impossible as some posters would have you believe!

I don't think anyone is saying it's impossible to love someone else's kid, just that most people don't (especially as much as their own kids) and that is normal.

Thankfully some people adopt children and are able to love them, some step-parents do too. It’s not as impossible as some posters would have you believe!

When you adopt a child, it's yours for life.
When you have a step child, it's yours for as long as you're in a relationship with its parent. Letting yourself love them is a massive risk. Because one day that child you love like your own could disappear from your life overnight.

Psychologically, however much you might like and care about a step child, if your subconscious is doing its job, you don't love them like your own, or the child you adopted for life.

You can't really compare adopted children with step children. Adopted children are with you 100% of the time and usually have no outside input from their birth parents. My step children have a mother who has held a vendetta against DH since he found out about her affair and ended their marriage. Poor dsd has really struggled with the guilt of loving her dad and liking me. Dss weathered it better but as adults they both still suffer from anxiety. It's affected my relationship with them as I was always wary of what their mum might do if she got jealous of our relationship

A mother does something nice for her child
A father doesn't do something nice for his child

Therefore it's the mother's fault?

MN is on glue.

"I don't think anyone is saying it's impossible to love someone else's kid, just that most people don't (especially as much as their own kids) and that is normal."

I would dispute the "most people" which normalises this. Don't think it's most people. Most I know do. Maybe most you know don't. We all live in our echo Chambers.

Also the way you speak about it harsh. "someone else's kid" . This is your DH or dp's child, whom hopefully you love, and whose child is your family. It's not a random person you just met. It's a matter of perspective. Clearly you have a different one than others. Not sure about "most" though. You can't be sure either...

"Letting yourself love them is a massive risk."

Loving anyone is a risk really as anyone can hurt you or leave you. Including your own children.

"So you have booked a day at the farm or baby soft play or whatever with you the baby and your parents. DSD is not supposed to be there that day, but suddenly is. Instead of her spending time with her dad, you think it's better and more enjoyable for her to come with you and the baby and your parents, to an activity that's probably not aimed at her age group?"

As reply to @noosmummy12 this doesn't make any sense. In the above scenario everyone can spend time together as a family. Why is this such a problem to take your DSD with you? I wouldn't dream of excluding her on purpose with the excuse that she should be with her dad. Let's go and enjoy together. If she doesn't want, cos it's a baby play space and she's older, that's a different matter. Give a choice.

Kids could have 3/4/5 SMs all "loving them like their own" before they turn 18. Only one Mum though. That's the difference. Sucks to be the child if they are loving all these hypothetical women like their own mother, too.
Any child who isn't mine is someone else's child. It doesn't matter whose child they are, unless they are DS then they aren't my child and therefore someone else's. That's not harsh, it's a neutral statement of the fact of the matter.

@LuckyHindleyBells

"I don't think anyone is saying it's impossible to love someone else's kid, just that most people don't (especially as much as their own kids) and that is normal."

I would dispute the "most people" which normalises this. Don't think it's most people. Most I know do. Maybe most you know don't. We all live in our echo Chambers.

Also the way you speak about it harsh. "someone else's kid" . This is your DH or dp's child, whom hopefully you love, and whose child is your family. It's not a random person you just met. It's a matter of perspective. Clearly you have a different one than others. Not sure about "most" though. You can't be sure either...

You are unlikely to know which of your friends does not love or even dislikes their stepchildren. Because it’s the sort of thing that people do not share because the world (totally unfairly) judges you as an ‘evil stepmother’. And many stepmother’s internalise this and feel guilty for not adoring someone else’s children.

You would probably be surprised what people who claim to love their SC (like their own) actually feel but do not share.

If you haven't got or had DSC then you've absolutely no idea how complex any issue is. It's a minefield and it never ends!