AIBU to just think FUCK OFF and let me enjoy my child?!

[Flainling]

My husband is always making me (or trying at least) feel guilty for just doing basic things with my child. Even accusing me of "pushing SC out" when I've done nothing of the sort.

He is only 10 months old. He's my first and my last.

Things have included:

• Making a photo album of DS. Not some big extravagant family craft activity where DSC are forced to glue pictures of their younger sibling into an album on a Saturday. Just me, doing it myself in the evening.

• taking my son out to little places with my family / to visit family and not taking everyone with me all the time. There have been a few unexpected days recently where DSC stayed with us when they wouldn't normally and I had plans with family. I didn't immediately change these to also take along DSC so I'm awful and "making it obvious I only want to spend time with my son".

• ordering a few pictures for our bedroom of DS for a photo frame my Mum got me for my birthday and putting it up on my dressing table. There are pictures of DSC up in the house as well but apparently there are more of DS and this is terrible (it's in our bedroom which none of the kids come in ).

• apparently just generally a bit obsessive with DS and I make it "obvious" I care more about him. Fucking yes I'm a bit obsessive. He's my first baby. Am I not allowed?!

• setting up a savings account (from my own personal money) which me and my family pay into for DS when DSC don't have one, as if that's up to me?!

There are more but I can't think right now.

AIBU to just think or even say FUCK OFF now and just let me enjoy my baby in peace ffs. It's like I'm not allowed to consider this my first child at all without "pushing DSC out". I don't even know what be means by that. I'm as kind as I always have been to DSC, who absolutely adore their brother too. But I'm not their mum and don't act like it nor do I wish to (or ever have?!).

It's really starting to piss me off. It's like I can't just do anything for my son without always thinking like this.

He’s being ridiculous and completely unreasonable. Enjoy your lovely baby as much as you can, the time goes by so quick when they’re babies. His children are not your complete responsibility they’re his, why can’t he have a special “daddy day” with them if you’ve already got plans in place for you and bubba? It doesn’t have to be that they miss out. As for the bank account, again it’s his or the kids’ mum’s responsibility to do that, not yours!

Imagine DS was the step child in another home, would you be happy with the way things are?

@Treesandsheepeverywhere

Imagine DS was the step child in another home, would you be happy with the way things are?

Yes.

Why the fuck would I want to see my step-mother's random relations?

I have enough of my own.

And yes I did have a step-mother...

Sorry I completely agree with your OH, even based on the examples you’ve given which I can bet are the watered down ones. You can absolutely love your partners children as much as your own biological children. The savings account is irrelevant really, I agree saving for another woman’s children is not your place but the rest of the things I think you’ve shown favouritism which is odd.

@Treesandsheepeverywhere

Imagine DS was the step child in another home, would you be happy with the way things are?

This is just ridiculous.

It would be totally fine. He’d be there to see his father. What his stepmum is doing with her own child is not my concern.

It’s none of my business what she puts in a photo frame in her bedroom. Nor what arrangements she makes for her child’s savings. Nor if she takes her child out with her family. Why would it be?

@conjourbonjour

Sorry I completely agree with your OH, even based on the examples you’ve given which I can bet are the watered down ones. You can absolutely love your partners children as much as your own biological children. The savings account is irrelevant really, I agree saving for another woman’s children is not your place but the rest of the things I think you’ve shown favouritism which is odd.

Jesus wept.

Why does anyone in any way expect someone else to love their children like their own?

More than likely your stepchildren have their own baby photo albums at their mother's house. I think they would feel sorry for their half-sibling if he didn't have his own photo albums at his mother's house, or get to do special things with you as they did with their own mother when they were little. How would your child feel if he grew up and didn't have photo albums of himself as a baby if your husband were able to prevent you making them?

YANBU
You are entitled to do these things for your DS. They are normal and not extravagant.
Presumably SC get attention too.

You can absolutely love your partners children as much as your own biological children.

Do you have step children you love as much as your own biological children? Sorry to break it to you, but no I absolutely can't.

@aSofaNearYou

You can absolutely love your partners children as much as your own biological children.

Do you have step children you love as much as your own biological children? Sorry to break it to you, but no I absolutely can't.

It’s just so unrealistic, isn’t it?

I cannot imagine expecting a stepmother to love my children like her own. I don’t even think that’s enormously desirable for her or any child involved.

I do not see it as a problem at all for children to grow up knowing that their parents love them best of all. And if they have a half sibling, the stepparent will love that child best of all. So long as the parent the siblings shares loves them all equally.

In fact, I think it is actively harmful for children to be brought up to expect all the adults in their lives to love them in the same way their parents do.

@conjourbonjour

Sorry I completely agree with your OH, even based on the examples you’ve given which I can bet are the watered down ones. You can absolutely love your partners children as much as your own biological children. The savings account is irrelevant really, I agree saving for another woman’s children is not your place but the rest of the things I think you’ve shown favouritism which is odd.

Then OP's husband can love his children and make them photo albums , take them on days out and whatever else. Not expect the woman to do it all for him, otherwise she's showing favouritism. If he gave a real fuck he'd do it,

@conjourbonjour

Sorry I completely agree with your OH, even based on the examples you’ve given which I can bet are the watered down ones. You can absolutely love your partners children as much as your own biological children. The savings account is irrelevant really, I agree saving for another woman’s children is not your place but the rest of the things I think you’ve shown favouritism which is odd.

Well you’d be a bit daft to do so. Because if you and your partner split up ( 30-50% chance ) you will likely never see you step kids again. So you are setting yourself up for a broken heart.

You are more like an unpaid nanny than a parent. All the work and responsibility but no legal rights and none of the fun bits of parenting.

You enjoy your time with your baby.

I've never heard such cfuckery as the comments from your dh on your child's savings account! Point out he and their mother are entitled to do the same for their kids.

You dh needs to understand you aren't your dsc parent and can do things with your own child

This bollocks bores the life out of me - as a stepparent we are often expected to equal or even better their parents behaviour.

Enjoy your son - you don’t have to include Your step kids in everything - they have parents who should be making those considerations. As long as you are kind and look after them when they are in your care, then that’s fine. I have more pictures of my kids around my house than I do my stepson because they are my kids and my automatic thought is of them and I now feel this way quite freely without making myself feel guilty. I look after my stepson when he is in my care and he has a lovely home with us here, but I won’t feel bad for doing things with my kids on my own, nor will I feel bad for being a mother to my kids and putting pictures up of them when I want to. If his dad wants pictures of his kids up, I’m sure he can manage being a grown adult.

As for the savings - one CF!!!!

@FortunesFave

I could not leave a step sibling out and take my own baby out for a day trip. Nope. Seems mean.

Also...you know that having photos of your children in the bedroom is a bit odd? How can you enjoy sex with your kid looking at you!?

So, what happens if she arranges something with the DSC and their parents switch the days again?

The OP clearly isn't consulted about their arrangements so it's perfectly reasonable she sorts out herself and her DS and adds the DSC if she knows definitely they're around

@aSofaNearYou

You can absolutely love your partners children as much as your own biological children.

Do you have step children you love as much as your own biological children? Sorry to break it to you, but no I absolutely can't.

Yes, I do. That’s why I can say it. It’s not about loving them the same as biological children, it’s about treating them the same - that’s what matters. I also have an adopted child who I love and treat the same.

I don't expect I shall love my own brothers children (if and when he has any!) as much as my children. I'm sure I will love them so much, as my family and as part of the brother who I adore, certainly, but they won't be mine and I won't be responsible for them.
Would it be reasonable to expect me to love my nieces/nephews the same way as my sons? Do all you aunties out there feel that way about your siblings children? Talking the beyond the moon and stars, "I can't believe someone so magical exists, aren't their eyelashes the most perfect eyelashes of any child in history, I'd die before I let anything hurt you" type love one feels for one's own babies. Is that easily replicated and transferred to other children in your family?
Is it reasonable to expect to feel that way about a partners child, who you may only have met at the age of 5, 8, 10? Another woman's child, who doesn't live with you and the only link you have is that you are in a relationship with their father right now?

Adoption is a completely separate thing.

And you just cannot treat SC exactly the same as your DC. This is the sort of thing people say, but in practice there is no way you could achieve it. Even if it were desirable and I don’t think it is.

They have two parents who are responsible for them and to whom you have to defer. They almost certainly don’t want a third parent. They live elsewhere much (often most) of the time and have a completely separate life.

@BadlyFormedQuestion

Adoption is a completely separate thing.

In your opinion.

Why women ever get involved with men who already have kids is beyond me, can't they see they are just expected to be unpaid child minders. ?
Why go in with your eyes closed ?

In the option of the law.
Not to mention human emotions. An adopted child is your child. My DHs ex GFs child is her child. Not mine.

In your opinion. It absolutely 100% is a different thing and adoption has nothing to do with this unless OP has adopted her stepchild!

There is ZERO legal obligation or responsibility involved in being a step parent. They are legally nothing to a step parent. If you want to leave anything in a will to them you have to be explicit as they are not included as your "Children". You get no say in a stepchilds life. No parental responsibility. They could walk your life tomorrow.

I don’t get some of the replies on her OP. Keep doing what you are doing. Your step kids already have a mum