AIBU to just think FUCK OFF and let me enjoy my child?!

[Flainling]

My husband is always making me (or trying at least) feel guilty for just doing basic things with my child. Even accusing me of "pushing SC out" when I've done nothing of the sort.

He is only 10 months old. He's my first and my last.

Things have included:

• Making a photo album of DS. Not some big extravagant family craft activity where DSC are forced to glue pictures of their younger sibling into an album on a Saturday. Just me, doing it myself in the evening.

• taking my son out to little places with my family / to visit family and not taking everyone with me all the time. There have been a few unexpected days recently where DSC stayed with us when they wouldn't normally and I had plans with family. I didn't immediately change these to also take along DSC so I'm awful and "making it obvious I only want to spend time with my son".

• ordering a few pictures for our bedroom of DS for a photo frame my Mum got me for my birthday and putting it up on my dressing table. There are pictures of DSC up in the house as well but apparently there are more of DS and this is terrible (it's in our bedroom which none of the kids come in ).

• apparently just generally a bit obsessive with DS and I make it "obvious" I care more about him. Fucking yes I'm a bit obsessive. He's my first baby. Am I not allowed?!

• setting up a savings account (from my own personal money) which me and my family pay into for DS when DSC don't have one, as if that's up to me?!

There are more but I can't think right now.

AIBU to just think or even say FUCK OFF now and just let me enjoy my baby in peace ffs. It's like I'm not allowed to consider this my first child at all without "pushing DSC out". I don't even know what be means by that. I'm as kind as I always have been to DSC, who absolutely adore their brother too. But I'm not their mum and don't act like it nor do I wish to (or ever have?!).

It's really starting to piss me off. It's like I can't just do anything for my son without always thinking like this.

@Moonface123

Why women ever get involved with men who already have kids is beyond me, can't they see they are just expected to be unpaid child minders. ? Why go in with your eyes closed ?

I'm not. If I started being an unpaid child minder my DH would be annoyed. He wants to look after his kids.

I absolutely know this feeling OP, you can’t win im afraid. If you did do all the photo albums and bank accounts for your SC that wouldn’t be right either as somebody would complain you were overstepping the mark. It sounds like It’s your DPs guilt you’re dealing with rather than anything you’ve done. Enjoy your baby and play fair with your SC it’s all you can do x

Also…I know it’s hard, but don’t tell anybody to F Off, rise above it and concentrate on enjoying your baby, you don’t want to look back on this precious time and remember it as a time fraught with frustration and anger x

in your opinion

Nope.

Statement of fact not opinion. Absolutely.

An adopted child is your child. In every way but biological. And you go into a long process of assessment etc in order to achieve this.

A stepchild is someone else’s child. They generally live with their other parent (often for much more of the time than they spend in your house). They have an ongoing relationship with that parent. That parent, and the one you are having a relationship with, have parental responsibility. They make the decisions about that child. You do not. And often your input is totally unwelcome.

It’s objectively not the same thing.

It’s actually really offensive to adoptive parents to claim that step parenting is like adoption.

@conjourbonjour it's not about loving them the same as biological children, it's about treating them the same

Ok, but your post clearly said it was about loving them the same, and you also said you found her favouring her own child "odd".

[quote aSofaNearYou]**@conjourbonjour* it's not about loving them the same as biological children, it's about treating them the same*

Ok, but your post clearly said it was about loving them the same, and you also said you found her favouring her own child "odd".[/quote]
That’s cause it is, and it’s not offensive to adoptive parents to say it’s the same. My point is that children are children, loving them and caring for them and treating them as an equal member of my family is just a given, I’m actually shocked how many women on here feel this way, I find it sad. When my “biological children” stay with their dad and his partner, I expect them to be treated as much part of them family as their “biological” children, it’s a seamless transition between both their homes. Maybe it’s different as my children and step children are shared equally between all of our houses 🤷🏼‍♀️

Agree @conjourbonjour. Attitudes are so sad on this board. Loving and treating a child the same as others in a family shouldn't be so difficult. Will never understand SMs spending a lot of their time arguing they don't, won't and can't love or even care about their dsc like it's so perfectly normal.

@LuckyHindleyBells

Agree *@conjourbonjour*. Attitudes are so sad on this board. Loving and treating a child the same as others in a family shouldn't be so difficult. Will never understand SMs spending a lot of their time arguing they don't, won't and can't love or even care about their dsc like it's so perfectly normal.

The replies have been really gutting to be honest, I’m genuinely shocked. Literally sitting here snuggling up to my SC considering the fact that I really DO love them every bit the same as the ones that came out of my foof 😂

I think it's sad that some people begrudge children being special to their own mothers.
I guess we are all different.

@BadlyFormedQuestion

It’s actually really offensive to adoptive parents to claim that step parenting is like adoption.

I agree

@Youseethethingis

I think it's sad that some people begrudge children being special to their own mothers. I guess we are all different.

Same here.

Literally sitting here snuggling up to my SC if I did that they would wonder what the hell was going on.

I've never been a step-parent, nor are my DD's step-children. But if I'm honest, I'd feel pretty annoyed if they were, and their step-mother claimed to love them as much as I do. I'd want her to like them, I'd want her to treat them well. But if they claimed to love them as much as me? Actually I'd be really pissed off. They're MY children.

@Youseethethingis

I think it's sad that some people begrudge children being special to their own mothers. I guess we are all different.

Sorry and what part of this approach stops the SC being special to their own mothers 😂

So many men seem to expect their partners to be the default parent for their step-children too.

Op, you have the foresight to see that you will regret kowtowing to H. Don’t do it.

Sorry and what part of this approach stops the SC being special to their own mothers 😂

Why should OP not make an album of her baby (including pics of him with his half siblings)? He is special to her. It’s not her job to make albums for DSC, that’s their parents’ job.

Sounds like he wants you to step up and parent his DC. Typical bloke who marries someone else and is pissed off they are not acting like a mother to his DC. As he wants to step back and leave the womans work to the woman. Especially now you have a joint DC.

It is perfectly normal to have a photo album of a new baby. All my DC have their own photo album. It is normal to feel overwhelmed with love for your own DC. It is normal to have individual DC photos in frames in your home.

It is for your DH to ensure he steps up and parents his DC, he ensures he spends time with them and doesnt make them feel side lined.

@saraclara

I've never been a step-parent, nor are my DD's step-children. But if I'm honest, I'd feel pretty annoyed if they were, and their step-mother claimed to love them as much as I do. I'd want her to like them, I'd want her to treat them well. But if they claimed to love them as much as me? Actually I'd be really pissed off. They're MY children.

More love and care won't hurt children. Surely the biological mum should be happy their DC are in a loving home when not with them? Mine was. I realise some may feel jealousy, but let's not argue its the right thing to do. Also don't think the mum's feelings should detriment the sm from loving their dsc, if the intention was there. It's their own seperate relationship with them.

Sorry and what part of this approach stops the SC being special to their own mothers
If you say you love and treat another woman's children exactly the same as your own, then your own aren't that special as you can just manufacture your feelings for them and dole then out to the offspring of your current romantic partner.

Really @Mirw ‘homewrecker’ 🙄🙄

@conjourbonjour My step son is around every other weekend, and that's without going into detail about the various challenges when he is actually here. If I had come to love him as much as I love my own DD during that time, then I wouldn't love my DD very much.

It's just not even close to being the same relationship or experience.

Thank you for that conjourbonjour! I have an SM whom I snuggled to, and feelings are and were very much reciprocal. Very rarely I see examples like this on these boards. Maybe because mostly people who have issues are posting, rather than those who are happy and bonded. Let's hope it isn't representative.

@conjourbonjour I've been an unmarried step parent before and I loved my sdc in a maternal way. Not as much as my own dc but yes they were cuddly dc, we snuggled and watched films, they even got in bed with us. I also got on very well with their dm and it was like one big happy family. Sounds similar to your set up. I still see them as I'm still friends with their dm. Our dc still go over each others houses, they still hug me even though they are late teens. I love them like I imagine I would love my nieces and nephews if I had any.

I don't have this now. I have a dh with dad guilt and a very high conflict ex and a step son with emotional problems. These problems impact on my dc. It's a very different situation when dad guilt and awful exes comes into play.

Maybe because mostly people who have issues are posting, rather than those who are happy and bonded. Let's hope it isn't representative My DSC and I are perfectly happy with our relationship without snuggling.