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Original poster

AIBU to just think FUCK OFF and let me enjoy my child?!

607 replies

Flainling · 02/11/2021 07:43

My husband is always making me (or trying at least) feel guilty for just doing basic things with my child. Even accusing me of "pushing SC out" when I've done nothing of the sort.

He is only 10 months old. He's my first and my last.

Things have included:

  • Making a photo album of DS. Not some big extravagant family craft activity where DSC are forced to glue pictures of their younger sibling into an album on a Saturday. Just me, doing it myself in the evening.
  • taking my son out to little places with my family / to visit family and not taking everyone with me all the time. There have been a few unexpected days recently where DSC stayed with us when they wouldn't normally and I had plans with family. I didn't immediately change these to also take along DSC so I'm awful and "making it obvious I only want to spend time with my son".
  • ordering a few pictures for our bedroom of DS for a photo frame my Mum got me for my birthday and putting it up on my dressing table. There are pictures of DSC up in the house as well but apparently there are more of DS and this is terrible (it's in our bedroom which none of the kids come in Confused ).
  • apparently just generally a bit obsessive with DS and I make it "obvious" I care more about him. Fucking yes I'm a bit obsessive. He's my first baby. Am I not allowed?!
  • setting up a savings account (from my own personal money) which me and my family pay into for DS when DSC don't have one, as if that's up to me?!

There are more but I can't think right now.

AIBU to just think or even say FUCK OFF now and just let me enjoy my baby in peace ffs. It's like I'm not allowed to consider this my first child at all without "pushing DSC out". I don't even know what be means by that. I'm as kind as I always have been to DSC, who absolutely adore their brother too. But I'm not their mum and don't act like it nor do I wish to (or ever have?!).

It's really starting to piss me off. It's like I can't just do anything for my son without always thinking like this.

OP posts:
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SleepingStandingUp · 02/11/2021 19:31

@Tillsforthrills

I think many step-parents would try to understand at least. Hopefully other step-parents go beyond the basic kindness to their DSC and don’t feel how you do about them.
If OP came on and said "Mom brought me a becoming a Mom frame and I put photos of the step kids who I've been around for 5 years in it alongside my son and my friend said its weird, aubu" she'd be told she's massively overstepping the mark, she isn't their parent, if she divorces their Dad she'll never see them again etc.

It isn't a family frame

It's a frame about BECOMING a MOM to HER son.

Perhaps it's ops DMom who's the total cow for daring to celebrate her DGCs birth with the frame and not buying OP one to celebrate becoming a step Mom instead

YoBeaches · 02/11/2021 19:37

I think your DH is projecting. It's the DSC he's talking about it's himself. He sees them rolling about being obsessed with baby, and you being obsessed with baby and nobody obsessed with him. It's not uncommon but he needs to grow up and reevaluate the role he wants Tom play in the family. As whinging on the sidelines won't make a happy family.

Tillsforthrills · 02/11/2021 19:55

@ToastCrumbsOnAPlate

I understand what you’re saying and I actually agree on that about the money, I wasn’t referring to money of the bank account part.

mumofblueeyes · 02/11/2021 20:16

I have a blended family with children/stepchildren, adoptive and sometimes fostered kids in. Anyone who is in our home, even as a guest / friend gets the same treatment because that is the kind and polite thing to do. If an activity was age appropriate (and 7 and 10 years would like a farm park) they should be invited/included. It shouldn't matter who gave birth to who or who. I understand the plans changed last minute but surely it would have been possible to get another couple of tickets at the gate?

DameAlyson · 02/11/2021 20:29

I understand the plans changed last minute but surely it would have been possible to get another couple of tickets at the gate?

So why didn't their own father do that?

The outing was planned and booked by OP's family; it's not their responsibility to make last minute arrangements for OP's SC.

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 02/11/2021 20:33

@mumofblueeyes

I have a blended family with children/stepchildren, adoptive and sometimes fostered kids in. Anyone who is in our home, even as a guest / friend gets the same treatment because that is the kind and polite thing to do. If an activity was age appropriate (and 7 and 10 years would like a farm park) they should be invited/included. It shouldn't matter who gave birth to who or who. I understand the plans changed last minute but surely it would have been possible to get another couple of tickets at the gate?
So the step kids come to see their dad and on the rare occasion you have something else booked you think they'd rather be with you,your parents and a baby at a farm than at home with their dad?

Says a lot about the dad.

PaintedDaisy · 02/11/2021 20:40

I understand the plans changed last minute but surely it would have been possible to get another couple of tickets at the gate? why? Their dad isn't included in this outing so why would they want to go with someone else's grandparents etc

SleepingStandingUp · 02/11/2021 20:57

I understand the plans changed last minute but surely it would have been possible to get another couple of tickets at the gate? then she could have been an evil step mother who's dragging the kids away from their father so she can play happy families with some other woman's children and make her child the focus of the event, instead of an evil step mother who has abandoned them at home with their father whilst she galavants around making her child the focus of the event.

Pontypandytaxpayer · 02/11/2021 21:08

I'm convinced some posters are taking the piss with these comments. Surely no one really believes that you would treat your own 10 month old exactly the same as 9 and 7 year old stepchildren who have their own mother.

BadlyFormedQuestion · 02/11/2021 21:13

@Pontypandytaxpayer

I'm convinced some posters are taking the piss with these comments. Surely no one really believes that you would treat your own 10 month old exactly the same as 9 and 7 year old stepchildren who have their own mother.
On MN they appear to.
fumfspos · 03/11/2021 07:54

I really don't see why it's a problem for the OP to go on a trip with her baby and her family without the stepkids. She's not saying she never does things with them as a whole blended family.
I think it's important for the stepchildren to have time with their dad on their own, without their father's wife there and now that the baby is there, without the baby too. Why can't he organize a special day out and spend the time with his children, chatting to them, listening to them and making them feel special.

I also think that children in families where the parents are still together should get time alone with each parent separately. I can remember a lot of things I did with my Dad on my own - it brought a different perspective on things and it wasn't the same as when we did things altogether as then there's a different dynamic.

OhPatti · 03/11/2021 10:01

The problem of being a step parent is that everyone asks you to treat the SC as your own while expecting to keep the distance as if you were just an aunt, distant relative or an occasional shag.

This in spades. Stepparents literally cannot win.

My DSD is grown now, but when she was small I was constantly being told I didn't act affectionately enough towards her (unfair, I'm just not a huggy-kissy kind of person with anyone really but I showed it in plenty of other ways). But when it came to voicing concerns about her development, which was a worry at one point, suddenly I was expected to accept I wasn't entitled to an opinion about the same child I was constantly being accused of not loving enough.

SnowWhitesSM · 03/11/2021 10:04

Sorry but who the fuck counts pictures?

I have no idea how many pictures of my dd there are compared to my ds or my dss. Confused

If you have to count framed photos to make sure things look equal then things really aren't equal.

I don't like photo pictures in the bedroom, or hung up on walls. I have photos on the bookcases and the side board. There's also some stuck on the fridge. I think there's more on the fridge of dss then my dc but meh, that doesn't mean I love him more than my dc, my dc havent even noticed. Why would they? They know they are loved.

Your dh has some shit to work out. He's obviously struggling and the issue isn't pictures/days out/savings. He needs to explore what he's feeling underneath it all. When I get annoyed about things my dss gets to do or doesn't have to do it's not about the clothes left on the floor - it's about not having a voice in my own home and feeling like I can't say - oi dss pick that up. I actually can say oi pick that up, but then dh finds something that my dc have left out and goes DOUBLE STANDARDS again it's not about my dc leaving something out, it's his own uncomfortable thoughts and feelings about living in a blended family.

We all grow up in a family system and then unconsciously play out what we believe the right family system should be in our homes. All families do this but in a blended family it's 10x harder.

Justilou1 · 03/11/2021 10:56

@Flainling - I came back to suggest that your DH is deflecting attention from the fact that he HASN’T set up accounts for his kids, and he doesn’t get off his arse to organize anything for them from photo albums to days out. It is not your responsibility or your family’s, it is his and he knows he is failing them, but has no fucking intention of changing this. You are his wife and the mother of this one child only. You are not his nanny, his childcare service or his whipping boy. He needs to be made accountable for the fact that he is expecting you and and YOUR family to cover for HIS inadequacy as a parent. He needs to sort that shit out for himself and stop being a man baby.

SnowWhitesSM · 03/11/2021 11:33

It's not him being consciously inadequate imo. In his head (from his family set up when younger that has installed his way of thinking whats right) he believes that it's your job to to do planning type of things for all of the DC. He is going to be feeling very resentful that you're not. He's not going to be conscious of why he is feeling like this.

I'd think about the above if I was you OP and have a chat with him about what HE can do to make HIS dc feel more included and what events/days out you can all do/he can do/you can do.

You need to look at this as a joint problem and how you can both fix it. Otherwise you're just going to be battling your husband on who's family system wins and neither of you will be happy.

SandyY2K · 03/11/2021 11:54

Does your stepchildren’s mother sit at night pasting photos of your son into a photo album alongside her own children? Does she organise days out with your child in mind? Does her family ensure they buy gifts for your son alongside their grandchildren?

This really isn't comparable. Her stepchild's mother, is not the stepmother of her child.

She's really nothing to the OPs child.

I don't think you should be expected to set up a savings account for you SC. It's very cheeky to suggest you should.

I see no issue with you going to visit your family with your son either.

I can see his he may feel upset about the pictures, but it's easily solved by him getting a photo of his older child and putting in his bedroom to balance things if he wants to.

SleepingStandingUp · 03/11/2021 12:03

I also think that children in families where the parents are still together should get time alone with each parent separately exactly. Acting like you're one whole family sometimes means doing things separately. DS and I have theatre booked, no one would expect me to take toddler DTwins. In a few years, I'll take them and DS won't be vaguely interested. Should I not take them because he doesn't want to go or is it OK because they're from the same parents

funinthesun19 · 03/11/2021 12:25

This really isn't comparable. Her stepchild's mother, is not the stepmother of her child.

She's really nothing to the OPs child.

It is comparable in the sense that they are two different women with their own respective children. The ex’s children aren’t the OP’s no matter how you try to dress it up.

OP might be stepmum to the ex’s children, but it still doesn’t alter the fact that she is a mum to her own and that is a whole other relationship. the OP deserves to be just as much of a mum to her own child as the ex does.

SandyY2K · 03/11/2021 13:19

@THisbackwithavengeance

I get your concerns.

But you have to want to make this work. It's all very well people saying your DH is a prick, ignore him, but that surely is a route to divorce with both partners feeling increasingly resentful.

It's all about compromise and stepping back and seeing what is actually reasonable and fair.

This is a very sensible post. The OP can well ignore him, but I doubt that will make a happy home for everyone.

Added with this saying...yes he can fuck off...leave him etc...okay... then OPs kid becomes her SS in a couple of years.

In the end, it's best to compromise and talk through things logically. Get to a place where he can see your POV as far as having experiences with your child. You're a mother of one, not two. They're shouldn't be a single restriction on what you do when SS isn't there and if you have preplanned something, you shouldn't have to make last minute changes to include SC. He comes to see his dad... it's dad too lazy to put the effort into actually spending quality time with his kid?

He sounds like do many dads. They expect the woman to do things like photo frames and scrap books. They're happy when it's done but can't be bothered to do it themselves. This line of thinking crosses other areas in parenting...they are slackers.

funinthesun19 · 03/11/2021 13:55

Unfortunately, when men are slacking, conversations usually fall on deaf ears or promises are made and then are broken. Been there done that, ended the relationship.

Bogeyes · 03/11/2021 17:33

This is making me angry! What's his problem? You have the best gift anybody can have. Enjoy while you can. Is he jealous? Is he a child? I'm surprised he isn't having a tantrum.

Hertsgirl10 · 03/11/2021 17:41

Tell him and his kids Mum to set the kid an account up if it bothers him so much, why hasn’t he done it? You’ve got 1 side of the family putting money in with him and he’s family, that would be 2 so should be better off.

Nothing wrong with what you’re doing, enjoy it cos it don’t last long.

CatNoBag · 03/11/2021 18:05

He's being ridiculous - does the mother of your DSC take your child on outings when she takes her children somewhere? If you're expected to take your DSC everywhere you go, then surely she should take your DC along too!

Buffs · 03/11/2021 18:09

@GrandmasCat

The album you can do and keep private, to yourself, as long as you are not circulating the album when someone visits, it is ok.

Having more photos of one child is off, even if all the kids were yours, it shows openly you care more about your baby than the others, which is a natural feeling but not one you have to display openly. Same number of photos per kid, even if they are all your own. Otherwise is nasty and very disconsiderate.

Bank account is ok, but again, keep it to yourself, no need to discuss it / talk about it. If he is annoyed by that suggest he, his ex and their families start one for the SC so they all can have the same.

Not changing your plans when contact has changed unexpectedly is not a problem. You shouldn’t anyway. If that doesn’t work for him she shouldn’t have agreed to the change of contact day. You stay out of it.

But most importantly, ensure your SC do not feel sidelined because otherwise you will drive a wedge between the baby and his siblings and it is very likely your partner starts compensating for your out in the open favouritism by ignoring the baby and put all his attention on the SC.

Very sensible advice
Mirw · 03/11/2021 18:12

DSC are DH's responsibility and he should be doing the needful with them re bank accounts, outings, etc. Tell him to get the finger out...

As for enjoying your bairn. Go ahead. DSC are not part of your family per se, they do not need to be included in all visits to grandparents, aunties, friends..unless you are the reason they don't live with both their parents, i.e the home wrecker.

But even if you were the homewrecker, you can still enjoy your child you just need to include DSC so they don't miss out on things they would have had with 2 parents living in the same house.

Your call....