AIBU to just think FUCK OFF and let me enjoy my child?!

[Flainling]

My husband is always making me (or trying at least) feel guilty for just doing basic things with my child. Even accusing me of "pushing SC out" when I've done nothing of the sort.

He is only 10 months old. He's my first and my last.

Things have included:

• Making a photo album of DS. Not some big extravagant family craft activity where DSC are forced to glue pictures of their younger sibling into an album on a Saturday. Just me, doing it myself in the evening.

• taking my son out to little places with my family / to visit family and not taking everyone with me all the time. There have been a few unexpected days recently where DSC stayed with us when they wouldn't normally and I had plans with family. I didn't immediately change these to also take along DSC so I'm awful and "making it obvious I only want to spend time with my son".

• ordering a few pictures for our bedroom of DS for a photo frame my Mum got me for my birthday and putting it up on my dressing table. There are pictures of DSC up in the house as well but apparently there are more of DS and this is terrible (it's in our bedroom which none of the kids come in ).

• apparently just generally a bit obsessive with DS and I make it "obvious" I care more about him. Fucking yes I'm a bit obsessive. He's my first baby. Am I not allowed?!

• setting up a savings account (from my own personal money) which me and my family pay into for DS when DSC don't have one, as if that's up to me?!

There are more but I can't think right now.

AIBU to just think or even say FUCK OFF now and just let me enjoy my baby in peace ffs. It's like I'm not allowed to consider this my first child at all without "pushing DSC out". I don't even know what be means by that. I'm as kind as I always have been to DSC, who absolutely adore their brother too. But I'm not their mum and don't act like it nor do I wish to (or ever have?!).

It's really starting to piss me off. It's like I can't just do anything for my son without always thinking like this.

@Tigersauros

""They said their pictures don't have any great emotional meaning to them, not the children themselves."

I can only laugh at this! If someone from your family has great emotional meaning to you, you'd give them one place in a family frame, not make a ridiculous excuse like this.

You didn't even reply to my comment explaining why this is stupid, so who's really ridiculous...

I have photos of my sons beside my bed because they are my baby boys, I gave birth to them and I love them more than my own life and seeing their beautiful little faces before I go to sleep fills my heart with joy and I just can't believe how lucky I am to be their mum.

What a lot of utter nonsense to suggest that I am wrong to not feel like this about another woman's child, and that in the privacy of my own bedroom I still should pretend that I do.

Why shouldn’t the OP use her photo frame how she likes? It’s hers!

The OP sounds like she does what she can, plays a positive role in her SCs lives and supports her partner. He should support her and the two of them should enjoy their baby. Over time little inequalities and irritations will come out in the wash if things are more or less going in the right direction. What will scupper it is people weighing everything up and getting antsy every time anyone sees a possible injustice.

@Tigersauros

""They said their pictures don't have any great emotional meaning to them, not the children themselves."

I can only laugh at this! If someone from your family has great emotional meaning to you, you'd give them one place in a family frame, not make a ridiculous excuse like this.

At least read the thread before calling others ridiculous please. It's not a family frame. I have explained this several times now.

Big red flag 🚩
Get rid of him now

YANBU.

If he wants his kids to have a bank account he needs to open it.
If he wants them to have a photo album. He needs to make it.
You are allowed to put pics of your kids in your house.

And you are allowed to make plans to take your kid out to visit your family.

Funny people should make the comments actually about it actually being DH who's bothered by me loving DS more than him. He's actually made comments like that in the past. Always in a jokey way. Sort of "it's weird I'm not the most important thing to you anymore" kind of things. I've always pointed out it's the way it's always been for me as he had kids when we met!

It sounds like you're doing anything a mum who loves her children would do, but you're being told off for it.

Re the bank account. You cant even open it for your stepchildren. So not sure why he should have an issue with this. If he wants to open one he can discuss it with their mum and open it.

Days out are normal. I wouldn't be arranging days out for people who aren't here- on their non-contact days.
You cant be expected to sit at home cos your stepchildren aren't there.

And like you said if they're chopping and changing plans for contact then you can't be expected to ditch your plans at the last minute.

The photo album. Sorry but it's just weird to do one dedicated to your stepchildren- you've probably not even got the pics of them as a baby- and the first pic is usually the mum holding their child. So you ahould be sticking pics of their mum and them in a photo album. Yeah that's just weird.

Obviously your stepchildren will feature in any photo album you do for your child.

Your DSCs have a mother who sounds great and I'm sure she already does most of these things with/for them.

They also have a father. Who, if he's that bothered about them missing out he could put the fucking effort in! Love is easy when it's all words and expecting someone else to do the grunt work. He can open a bank account, he can make his own frame, he can take them on their own special days out. He doesn't. He either expects you to do it, or none of the children get anything extra. So where is the love? How exactly is he an amazing father like some posters claim?

I can only laugh at this! If someone from your family has great emotional meaning to you, you'd give them one place in a family frame, not make a ridiculous excuse like this.

Why would the OP put a picture of her stepchildren in a special frame bought by her mum that is for OP’s bedside table?

Maybe dsc’s MUM has some nice pictures of them in a special frame somewhere?

@funinthesun19

I can only laugh at this! If someone from your family has great emotional meaning to you, you'd give them one place in a family frame, not make a ridiculous excuse like this.

Why would the OP put a picture of her stepchildren in a special frame bought by her mum that is for OP’s bedside table?

Maybe dsc’s MUM has some nice pictures of them in a special frame somewhere?

Yup. The dsc mum should make a photo album of your baby? She should also take your baby on days out to visit her parents and open a bank account for your kids. Doesn't make any sense

@Flainling

Funny people should make the comments actually about it actually being DH who's bothered by me loving DS more than him. He's actually made comments like that in the past. Always in a jokey way. Sort of "it's weird I'm not the most important thing to you anymore" kind of things. I've always pointed out it's the way it's always been for me as he had kids when we met!

Ahh that's it then. He's feeling insecure. Maybe this feels different as your child is around all the time?

@Tigersauros

""They said their pictures don't have any great emotional meaning to them, not the children themselves."

I can only laugh at this! If someone from your family has great emotional meaning to you, you'd give them one place in a family frame, not make a ridiculous excuse like this.

It's not a "family" frame. And OP could put a picture of bloody Nick Knowles in there and it would still be ok.

@SlugRose that wouldn't be okay.

@ToastCrumbsOnAPlate it would. Who is he to control what OP wants in the frame?

I think many step-parents would try to understand at least. Hopefully other step-parents go beyond the basic kindness to their DSC and don’t feel how you do about them.

Anybody but Nick flipping Knowles would be grand!

@Tillsforthrills op has explained until she's blue in the face that the frame was not a family frame. And that she adds to her child's account from her personal money. Did you also read the bit about the step children being around at random times? Is she meant to cancel baby group if they show up?

But yes , because she's a stepmother she's immediately a heartless cow. Right.

Fuck off indeed. I get this too btw and it pisses me off severely. We have enough guilt as a new mum, why should have more projected on us ...

Its a huge part why my feelings have changed a lot since my baby was born...I said on another post, I just have to stand my ground, my children arent missing out on anything in their lives, im not only going to fun places or things with SD is here, shes older anyway and wont be interested in the same things. And i want to be able to go on holiday or theme parks during term time when its cheaper and MUCH quieter. Cant stand going places during school holidays only...but my partner will argue that so might just be me and them...or maybe someone from my family.

At the end of the day hun, enjoy your little one, do whatever you want and dont feel bad about it because the SC isn't your responsibility as long as there is balance and you're nice then thats it!

Its sad that partners/dads feel this way tbh, their 'second' children definitely come second whether they admit it or not

@ToastCrumbsOnAPlate

Anybody but Nick flipping Knowles would be grand!

Fair enough. I'm allergic to him personally.

OP "feels" that they are not her children, which is morally, logically, practically, legally, biologically, emotional 100% accurate.
What exactly is the problem with this? Presumably the kids know who their mummy is and don't need everyone playing make believe around them.

@Tillsforthrills

I think many step-parents would try to understand at least. Hopefully other step-parents go beyond the basic kindness to their DSC and don’t feel how you do about them.

She has tried to understand, she's posted here to check she's not missed something.

Hopefully other step-parents go beyond the basic kindness to their DSC and don’t feel how you do about them. at no point has OP said anything negative about the children. She simply does not feel like she has to take on the "mother" role and feel like their mother. This is fine and normal and in most cases exactly what the mum would want?! My DH's ex would hate it if I started seeing myself as her kid's mum. I mean she'd probably love it if I started saving for them as I earn more than her and DH but that's tough.

I'm astounded that people think it's wrong that the op has a bank account for her dc and not one for the dsc. The dsc has 2 other parents and it's their responsibility to do this.

@Tillsforthrills

I think many step-parents would try to understand at least. Hopefully other step-parents go beyond the basic kindness to their DSC and don’t feel how you do about them.

OP has no issues with the step kids.

She just doesn't want her husband's lip service and uselessness to interfere with her time with the baby. His expectations are either she does it all for all the kids, or for none at all. Where is his effort in all this?