AIBU to just think FUCK OFF and let me enjoy my child?!

[Flainling]

My husband is always making me (or trying at least) feel guilty for just doing basic things with my child. Even accusing me of "pushing SC out" when I've done nothing of the sort.

He is only 10 months old. He's my first and my last.

Things have included:

• Making a photo album of DS. Not some big extravagant family craft activity where DSC are forced to glue pictures of their younger sibling into an album on a Saturday. Just me, doing it myself in the evening.

• taking my son out to little places with my family / to visit family and not taking everyone with me all the time. There have been a few unexpected days recently where DSC stayed with us when they wouldn't normally and I had plans with family. I didn't immediately change these to also take along DSC so I'm awful and "making it obvious I only want to spend time with my son".

• ordering a few pictures for our bedroom of DS for a photo frame my Mum got me for my birthday and putting it up on my dressing table. There are pictures of DSC up in the house as well but apparently there are more of DS and this is terrible (it's in our bedroom which none of the kids come in ).

• apparently just generally a bit obsessive with DS and I make it "obvious" I care more about him. Fucking yes I'm a bit obsessive. He's my first baby. Am I not allowed?!

• setting up a savings account (from my own personal money) which me and my family pay into for DS when DSC don't have one, as if that's up to me?!

There are more but I can't think right now.

AIBU to just think or even say FUCK OFF now and just let me enjoy my baby in peace ffs. It's like I'm not allowed to consider this my first child at all without "pushing DSC out". I don't even know what be means by that. I'm as kind as I always have been to DSC, who absolutely adore their brother too. But I'm not their mum and don't act like it nor do I wish to (or ever have?!).

It's really starting to piss me off. It's like I can't just do anything for my son without always thinking like this.

YANBU
It is impossible and it would be wrong for you to treat your SC the same as your own new born baby. You SC wouldn't like it and their mother wouldn't like it.

This is your DHs issue, whether it is jealous he is feeling over the baby and using the SC as an angle or whether he's feeling guilt over not providing in the same way to his first kids - I think only you can work out.

@Joystir59

I think all of the children should be treated the same by both if you. Anything else iscruel and divisive.

So OP gets equal say in their secondary education? Should be making them dentist appts and attending hospital appts? Should she give the SD the puberty talk? The kids should spend half of every mothers day with op?

This seems odd to me. You seem like separated parents with your own finances rather than a family- almost as if it’s him and his dd and you and your dc and your family.

On the other hand, when couple split, how often do we hear people berated for not maintaining their own finances and being stuck in abusive or controlling, or just even generally shitty situations? Then they are told they are doing badly by their kids.

I have a sizeable savings account I have built up over years. We have a joint family account we (or mainly me) pay in to, and I have an account I pay in to for my daughter. If this all goes south, I’m not stuck.

So OP gets equal say in their secondary education? Should be making them dentist appts and attending hospital appts? Should she give the SD the puberty talk? The kids should spend half of every mothers day with op?

I recall the post the other week about the “other woman” taking someone’s daughter to have her ears pierced. Oh how that woman was berated and the OP was right to hate her, apparently. Treating SC the same as your own is not the way to go.

The family days out when your SC unexpectedly stay - is your husband going on these too? If he is then he needs to take his other children. If he isn't then why on earth should you take them?

@BoredZelda

So OP gets equal say in their secondary education? Should be making them dentist appts and attending hospital appts? Should she give the SD the puberty talk? The kids should spend half of every mothers day with op?

I recall the post the other week about the “other woman” taking someone’s daughter to have her ears pierced. Oh how that woman was berated and the OP was right to hate her, apparently. Treating SC the same as your own is not the way to go.

Exactly. I not a Step Mom and even I can see on MN you literally cannot do right.

"I have a SC and a DC, I wanted to do X so took them BOTH" OMG you're not her mother, stop interfering. Why is she even spending time with you? You're just the woman her Dad has been married to for most of her life. You shouldn't even speak to her without checking with her parents.

"I have a SC and a DC, I wanted to do X so took DC but not DS as they were on holiday with their Mom" OMG you're her step mother, stop acting like you hate her. Why are you even doing anything fun when she's not with you? You're the woman her Dad has been married to for most of her life, if you dint live her as much as your own DC and only ever think about them all equally and never leave the house without them all you should just divorce their Dad and let them be loved properly!!"

I'm 100% with you. You clearly appreciate people parent in different ways but why should you copy what your partner or his ex do?! Why should you not make them a photo album, have a savings account etc. Especially with your child being first and only. SC's mum or your partner can do it for them!!

My dad died young sadly and l always look back very fondly on the amazing holidays we had as a family. For me those memories are priceless

It's fine your partner is flexible with ex and children. But why do you have to dance to that tune?

*Exactly. I not a Step Mom and even I can see on MN you literally cannot do right.

"I have a SC and a DC, I wanted to do X so took them BOTH" OMG you're not her mother, stop interfering. Why is she even spending time with you? You're just the woman her Dad has been married to for most of her life. You shouldn't even speak to her without checking with her parents.

"I have a SC and a DC, I wanted to do X so took DC but not DS as they were on holiday with their Mom" OMG you're her step mother, stop acting like you hate her. Why are you even doing anything fun when she's not with you? You're the woman her Dad has been married to for most of her life, if you dint live her as much as your own DC and only ever think about them all equally and never leave the house without them all you should just divorce their Dad and let them be loved properly!!"*

This is unfortunately an accurate representation of MN regarding step mums

They have a mum and dad to open savings accounts and make up photo albums. That is their responsibility 100%.

So long as the DSC are well looked after in your home, feel loved and nurtured, aren’t second best to the new baby and see included in family activities then what you describe is fine.

It is ok to have plans that do not involve your DSC. If you didn’t ever do anything with them then that would be different. That isn’t what you describe.

I wonder is it really your DH who is 'put out' about this new love in your life, the little man who has you besotted?

But he's communicating this to you by telling you that you are 'someone who excludes people' but really it is him that is hurt.

I pretty much guarantee that if you do the opposite (make a bigger fuss of DH) what you feel like doing (killing him!!) all this 'you don't care anymore' stuff will go away.

Before you had DS, DH was your special guy who got all your attention when DSC weren't there. Now you have a new special guy. It's the oldest chestnut there is.

I wonder why his last relationship broke down. Lazy man? Couldn’t stand not being the centre of attention?

YANBU. It would be absurd to alter your plans for a 7 and 10 yo and they’d probably be bored stiff at anything geared for your baby.

What does your dh do with them?

Your DH needs to give his head a good shake! The needs of a baby are just so different from those of primary children, aren't they? It's hardly likely you'd be changing their bottoms or carrying them around on your hip or feeding them from a bottle! The baby gets what he needs and the older ones get what they need and it isn't going to be the same, not even between the older ones.

From what you say, the DSC had great babyhoods from their DM so why attempt to repeat them? It's not what they need or want. Never cancel a trip you and your DPs have planned because the DSC turn up unexpectedly - that would be nuts! Is he miffed on those occasions because you aren't there to pick up his slack on the parenting front?

Bottom line: ignore his carping as much as you can but challenge where it's coming from at a convenient time. You are not their mother: they have one already. They neither need nor want babying by you.

Does he nag his ex not to do anything with her children because it's unfair if they get something their new sibling doesn't?

@irene9

I wonder is it really your DH who is 'put out' about this new love in your life, the little man who has you besotted?

But he's communicating this to you by telling you that you are 'someone who excludes people' but really it is him that is hurt.

I pretty much guarantee that if you do the opposite (make a bigger fuss of DH) what you feel like doing (killing him!!) all this 'you don't care anymore' stuff will go away.

Before you had DS, DH was your special guy who got all your attention when DSC weren't there. Now you have a new special guy. It's the oldest chestnut there is.

You could have a point here. My DH admitted to me when our first was born that he missed me and felt a bit left out.

He sounds like he’s projecting some guilt he feels towards his children onto you… his problem not yours. The bank account thing is really ridiculous!!!

This isn’t about how you treat your DSC. It’s about how HE treats you. He’s absolutely using his kids to manipulate and guilt trip you (emotional abuse) and neglect them. As I said before, he’s a shit father and a shit partner. Nobody is being treated with respect by this man.

Why on Earth should OP and her family pay into a bank account for her step children? I mean, she couldn’t even set up a bank account for them if she wanted to! That’s their parents job! If he wants HIS children to have a bank account then HE needs to set them up.

Maybe he should take a leaf out of OPs book and make photo albums of his children or do a big family photo album.

Not sure about the days out, but I think it really depends on what’s being planned, the kids age, if she is just going to see her family (who presumably SC have little to no contact with)

" If that is shocking to you then perhaps you are very sensitive."

yeah it is pretty shocking to me for someone who has been a step mother to a child for 5 years to say they don't mean anything to them so they wouldn't include them in a multi-photo family frame thing. If i was your SC I would clearly see that as exclusion. Sorry, don't think i am sensitive really, but hopefully your SC has thick skin.

Are you the poster whose husband wanted you to take your step kids to their planned activities in the evening with your baby in tow to give him a rest?

Why on Earth should OP and her family pay into a bank account for her step children? I mean, she couldn’t even set up a bank account for them if she wanted to! That’s their parents job! If he wants HIS children to have a bank account then HE needs to set them up.

Also what if they split up? OP and her family will have put their money into savings for children they're not related to and will never see again.

@Tigersauros

" If that is shocking to you then perhaps you are very sensitive."

yeah it is pretty shocking to me for someone who has been a step mother to a child for 5 years to say they don't mean anything to them so they wouldn't include them in a multi-photo family frame thing. If i was your SC I would clearly see that as exclusion. Sorry, don't think i am sensitive really, but hopefully your SC has thick skin.

You've rephrased my meaning to "my step child means nothing to me" twice now, despite me explicitly saying that was the wrong conclusion to jump to in my last reply.

He doesn't mean nothing to me, he means about as much as a nephew or friend's child. But I don't have pictures of either of those in frames on my bedside table, as those are generally reserved for pictures that mean the MOST to you. It isn't shocking that photos of my SC do not have the same emotive value to me that they would to their parents.

OPs frame was not a "family frame thing", you're twisting that to suit your agenda much as you twisted my comment. It was specifically a mother and son frame.

I do match what I put in DGC's bank account and DSGC's but that was my decision and nobody's expectation or demand. I might have thought twice if there were two of them! Also DSGC lives 80%+ with my DC who is really parenting them. I neither know nor care what DSCC's other birth parent or either set of GPs do as it's not relevant. As a GP I didn't want to discriminate, though I'm just extended family to the DGC who calls me by my name.

Again the two DC's needs are very different as there is a similar age gap to OP's set-up. I've spent more on presents for DSGC for birthdays and Christmases just because a baby doesn't really need much and it's fun choosing unusual and exciting presents for an older child.

@Tigersauros

" If that is shocking to you then perhaps you are very sensitive."

yeah it is pretty shocking to me for someone who has been a step mother to a child for 5 years to say they don't mean anything to them so they wouldn't include them in a multi-photo family frame thing. If i was your SC I would clearly see that as exclusion. Sorry, don't think i am sensitive really, but hopefully your SC has thick skin.

I don't think that's what that PP said. They said their pictures don't have any great emotional meaning to them, not the children themselves.

@Greatdomestic

Are you the poster whose husband wanted you to take your step kids to their planned activities in the evening with your baby in tow to give him a rest?

No not me, was it on this board? It'd be interesting to hear similar situations!

""They said their pictures don't have any great emotional meaning to them, not the children themselves."

I can only laugh at this! If someone from your family has great emotional meaning to you, you'd give them one place in a family frame, not make a ridiculous excuse like this.