AIBU to just think FUCK OFF and let me enjoy my child?!

[Flainling]

My husband is always making me (or trying at least) feel guilty for just doing basic things with my child. Even accusing me of "pushing SC out" when I've done nothing of the sort.

He is only 10 months old. He's my first and my last.

Things have included:

• Making a photo album of DS. Not some big extravagant family craft activity where DSC are forced to glue pictures of their younger sibling into an album on a Saturday. Just me, doing it myself in the evening.

• taking my son out to little places with my family / to visit family and not taking everyone with me all the time. There have been a few unexpected days recently where DSC stayed with us when they wouldn't normally and I had plans with family. I didn't immediately change these to also take along DSC so I'm awful and "making it obvious I only want to spend time with my son".

• ordering a few pictures for our bedroom of DS for a photo frame my Mum got me for my birthday and putting it up on my dressing table. There are pictures of DSC up in the house as well but apparently there are more of DS and this is terrible (it's in our bedroom which none of the kids come in ).

• apparently just generally a bit obsessive with DS and I make it "obvious" I care more about him. Fucking yes I'm a bit obsessive. He's my first baby. Am I not allowed?!

• setting up a savings account (from my own personal money) which me and my family pay into for DS when DSC don't have one, as if that's up to me?!

There are more but I can't think right now.

AIBU to just think or even say FUCK OFF now and just let me enjoy my baby in peace ffs. It's like I'm not allowed to consider this my first child at all without "pushing DSC out". I don't even know what be means by that. I'm as kind as I always have been to DSC, who absolutely adore their brother too. But I'm not their mum and don't act like it nor do I wish to (or ever have?!).

It's really starting to piss me off. It's like I can't just do anything for my son without always thinking like this.

If someone bought you a photo frame which had a quote on it specifically about becoming a mother to a son and held 4 pictures, you'd put photos of your step children in it? that would be such a weird thing to do... I mean my DH would be very uncomfortable with it if I started trying to claim to be their mother.

Of course not @Flainling. You're not in the wrong here.

@Tigersauros

"I'm a step mum and I wouldn't, I don't really take any pictures of my DSS and those pictures don't really mean anything special to me, though they do to my DP, naturally. There's nothing surprising about OP not being bothered about this."

wow...do your sc mean nothing to you? how long have you known them?

Hold up I don't have any pictures of DSD and I'm slightly different(and probably bit mad) but do love my SDS. Not in the same way a mother can love their child (as that biological and she's not mine and she had a mum) but the emotion is just as strong. I have known her quite a few many years too.

Not everyone is fussed about family photos. That's not a indication of acceptance or feelings on a child. DH has his photos DSD and I have mine of DD.

What a ridiculous statement.

@Flainling

With the days out, DH and his ex are always switching or swapping regular days, it would be impossible for me to guarantee that every time I plan something DSC definitely won't end up being around. So what do I do? Just expect my family and myself to change plans or cancel at the last minute every time because DH and his ex have decided the days are changing?

Please don't change your days out just coz they've rearranged. It would send a really strong message to your DC and the DSC that the DSC are the priority to the family and when their plans change so must everyone's.

If someone bought you a photo frame which had a quote on it specifically about becoming a mother to a son and held 4 pictures, you'd put photos of your step children in it?

No because her mum if she saw it would go nuts, my SD would be awkward as hell and there would be a lot of feelings over a photograph. And I get on with SDs mum. That would be crossing a boundary in her eyes and personally in mine if my ex did that with my DD

I never get why people insist step parents treat their step children exactly the same as their own children.

What if you did set up savings accounts for the step children and then their own mum did also. Your child is then the one that misses out and has less. They have their own mum and their own separate maternal grandparents who could chose to do this for their children, why is it the step mums concern just because she chooses to do it for her own child.

Like OP said, she has no problem with their dad and their own mum setting up savings accounts for the children but they chose not to. That's not her problem.

I remember reading on here once someone telling a step mother she shouldn't have a photo of just her child on the background of her personal phone lol. I've got that too!

@SlugRose I don’t know if my SKs give a toss or not but I wouldn’t want to take the chance.

@Flainling ah I see. No in that case I wouldn’t.

In this situation I try to imagine how I would feel if my and DH split up and re remarried. How would I want the SM to treat my kids? I then try do the same for my SKs.

I think your DH is sensitive about his kids being left out. I probably would be the same if I were in the same situation. Not saying it’s right but might help if you can empathise.

@Flainling

My husband is always making me (or trying at least) feel guilty for just doing basic things with my child. Even accusing me of "pushing SC out" when I've done nothing of the sort.

He is only 10 months old. He's my first and my last.

Things have included:

• Making a photo album of DS. Not some big extravagant family craft activity where DSC are forced to glue pictures of their younger sibling into an album on a Saturday. Just me, doing it myself in the evening.

• taking my son out to little places with my family / to visit family and not taking everyone with me all the time. There have been a few unexpected days recently where DSC stayed with us when they wouldn't normally and I had plans with family. I didn't immediately change these to also take along DSC so I'm awful and "making it obvious I only want to spend time with my son".

• ordering a few pictures for our bedroom of DS for a photo frame my Mum got me for my birthday and putting it up on my dressing table. There are pictures of DSC up in the house as well but apparently there are more of DS and this is terrible (it's in our bedroom which none of the kids come in ).

• apparently just generally a bit obsessive with DS and I make it "obvious" I care more about him. Fucking yes I'm a bit obsessive. He's my first baby. Am I not allowed?!

• setting up a savings account (from my own personal money) which me and my family pay into for DS when DSC don't have one, as if that's up to me?!

There are more but I can't think right now.

AIBU to just think or even say FUCK OFF now and just let me enjoy my baby in peace ffs. It's like I'm not allowed to consider this my first child at all without "pushing DSC out". I don't even know what be means by that. I'm as kind as I always have been to DSC, who absolutely adore their brother too. But I'm not their mum and don't act like it nor do I wish to (or ever have?!).

It's really starting to piss me off. It's like I can't just do anything for my son without always thinking like this.

Remind him that you are only doing what he would have been doing when his first child was born.

He has clearly forgotten.

Enjoy uour baby and congratulations.

[quote black2black]@SlugRose I don’t know if my SKs give a toss or not but I wouldn’t want to take the chance.

@Flainling ah I see. No in that case I wouldn’t.

In this situation I try to imagine how I would feel if my and DH split up and re remarried. How would I want the SM to treat my kids? I then try do the same for my SKs.

I think your DH is sensitive about his kids being left out. I probably would be the same if I were in the same situation. Not saying it’s right but might help if you can empathise.[/quote]
If that's the case why doesn't HE do something about it?

@black2black they are only "left out" of savings and photos and days out because DH can't be bothered to do it himself.

@shylatte

I can totally see his point and yours. Imagine if you are the one with previous children and you had a new baby. Your dp sits in the evening making an album of his baby, takes his baby off to visit family alone, sets up a savings account for his baby. Nothing wrong with that per se, it's his first baby and obviously he is more attached to it. However, it sends a message to you (and over time the dsc) that you are not a family unit, where the children are equal.

Yup!

My guess is he is punishing OP for not doing the grunt work parenting his kids. He should be firmly told that this stops now or he will be using it as a stick to beat you with for the rest of forever and creating divisions in the family himself. Don't take any of this shit - it belongs to him.

@Joystir59

I think all of the children should be treated the same by both if you. Anything else iscruel and divisive.

So should I be acting like a "fun auntie" with my own child? Or mothering the DSC and getting an earful from their mum and some weirded out looks from the DSC?

@Getyourarseofffthequattro If that's the case why doesn't HE do something about it?

I have no idea but it’s the OP asking for advice so I’m giving her advice. Try and empathise and help him see he’s being over sensitive and work together to help him feel SKs are part of the family - maybe trips out with whole family, he makes an album of them etc.

@SlugRose yes but it might be part of a bigger picture for DH. Of course the OP shouldn’t make a savings account or album for SKs but he’s unable to see the grass for the trees as he feels hurt his SKs are left out or maybe feels guilty for splitting up their family. Who knows. The OP needs to talk to him.

setting up a savings account (from my own personal money) which me and my family pay into for DS when DSC don't have one

So what does he say when you point out that he's free to do all those things for all of his children? And that you either can't do them, because you're not a legal guardian, or it would be really weird and overstepping, if you started claiming a place of a parent, when DSC already have 2?

Another thread where I'm seeing that the feelings of the DSC, their mother and the SM don't matter. Some random posters on MN and the OPs huffy, lazy husband say she is bad and thats the main thing. The "ideal" is all, regardless of the real life feelings of the real life people involved.

Love my step son - but I love my own daughter more and spend more time,money effort on things for her!

Your husband can do all those things for his kids if he likes - why should you have to

@Flainling

I also think he can't say he doesn't think these things are important but then moan at me for not doing them for DSC. Are they important or not? If so, why isn't he doing them?

They are unimportant if HE is the one who has to do them. It’s just over indulgence and spoiling a child.

But if YOU the one who has to do them then they are vital and you are mean, heartless and selfish for not doing them.

Tell him to ask his ex if she has photo albums of her kids. I bet they have saving accounts too.
If people are going to bay on about the kids being treated equally, I'm pretty much they are. By their mothers.

The only person who has to worry about treating them all equally and loving them all equally, is DP. Because they are all his own kids.

It's like I'm not allowed to consider this my first child at all without "pushing DSC out". I don't even know what he means by that.

Oh yes you do. Stop pretending.
It's about :

He has 2 birth children he loves so he feels no difference between them.
You have 1 birth child and 1 step. You love both but feel the difference.
Step C has at least three parents they love and they also know the difference.

All the above are perfectly natural normal, and as they should be.

DH needs to understand that and ride with it.

You need to accept his equal love of his birth children, and ride with it.

You need to accept his equal love of his birth children, and ride with it

Where have I suggested I don't accept this? Of course he loves them equally I've never suggested otherwise!

This is about his expectations of me not mine of him.

Yanbu OP. This is why I found stepparenting so tedious and hard. I felt less of a mum to my own children unable to do normal things for them and for myself as a parent unless dsc was thought of by me too.

I remember taking my children to the sea side with my parents on a day when dsc would be at ours later in the day. My ex’s ex wife kicked off majorly about this.

Loads more to add to my experience including a bad partner and bad father to the children which grated even more why our shared children should have been begrudged anything from me, their MUM. Ultimately our relationship is ended and I was and am very happy with this.

You keep doing what you’re doing OP. Your children only have one childhood and you only get to parent them once.

@Flainling

You need to accept his equal love of his birth children, and ride with it

Where have I suggested I don't accept this? Of course he loves them equally I've never suggested otherwise!

Although - if you asked him - he might say he loves all three DCs equally, and he might think it's true, his behaviour suggests that he expects you to favour your SDCs above your own.

He thinks you should have cancelled a day out because his DCs arrived suddenly and unexpectedly, when you'd deliberately planned it for a day when they wouldn't be there. You had taken their feelings into account.

He expects you to put in efforts for his DCs that he isn't prepared to put in himself, then calls you out on it.

Out of interest, what does he do for the baby in terms of caring for him, playing with him? How much does he do for his DCs when they're at yours? Or does it mostly fall to you? Could it be that when you went out as planned with DS and your family, his annoyance was that it mean he had to parent his two?