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Original poster

AIBU to just think FUCK OFF and let me enjoy my child?!

607 replies

Flainling · 02/11/2021 07:43

My husband is always making me (or trying at least) feel guilty for just doing basic things with my child. Even accusing me of "pushing SC out" when I've done nothing of the sort.

He is only 10 months old. He's my first and my last.

Things have included:

  • Making a photo album of DS. Not some big extravagant family craft activity where DSC are forced to glue pictures of their younger sibling into an album on a Saturday. Just me, doing it myself in the evening.
  • taking my son out to little places with my family / to visit family and not taking everyone with me all the time. There have been a few unexpected days recently where DSC stayed with us when they wouldn't normally and I had plans with family. I didn't immediately change these to also take along DSC so I'm awful and "making it obvious I only want to spend time with my son".
  • ordering a few pictures for our bedroom of DS for a photo frame my Mum got me for my birthday and putting it up on my dressing table. There are pictures of DSC up in the house as well but apparently there are more of DS and this is terrible (it's in our bedroom which none of the kids come in Confused ).
  • apparently just generally a bit obsessive with DS and I make it "obvious" I care more about him. Fucking yes I'm a bit obsessive. He's my first baby. Am I not allowed?!
  • setting up a savings account (from my own personal money) which me and my family pay into for DS when DSC don't have one, as if that's up to me?!

There are more but I can't think right now.

AIBU to just think or even say FUCK OFF now and just let me enjoy my baby in peace ffs. It's like I'm not allowed to consider this my first child at all without "pushing DSC out". I don't even know what be means by that. I'm as kind as I always have been to DSC, who absolutely adore their brother too. But I'm not their mum and don't act like it nor do I wish to (or ever have?!).

It's really starting to piss me off. It's like I can't just do anything for my son without always thinking like this.

OP posts:
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Original poster
Flainling · 02/11/2021 11:55

They are 7 and 10

OP posts:
hawtpot · 02/11/2021 11:57

Ok yea so if it's 'mum' frame i understand why they wouldn't be in it, not unreasonable at all Grin

aSofaNearYou · 02/11/2021 11:58

Mehhhhh if it's one of those frames where you can put multiple photos in I'm surprised you didn't at least have one of maybe all the children together.... I'm a step mum and I would've done that naturally - not out of a sense of duty but because I actually would want to have them in the frame too.

I'm a step mum and I wouldn't, I don't really take any pictures of my DSS and those pictures don't really mean anything special to me, though they do to my DP, naturally. There's nothing surprising about OP not being bothered about this.

Duckrace · 02/11/2021 11:59

"Have you answered the question about ages"

Who do people thing they actually are??

BadlyFormedQuestion · 02/11/2021 12:02

@Duckrace

"Have you answered the question about ages"

Who do people thing they actually are??

I know.

It doesn’t matter that they’re 7 and 10. It’s ok for the OP to go out with her child regardless!

LondonJax · 02/11/2021 12:10

Firstly, even if all the children were your natural children, there would be outings that one or more don't attend. You may take the 7 and 10 year old to the cinema for example and leave the 10 month old at home. Or you may take the 10 month old and 7 year old to a soft play area where the 10 year old may find that boring (depending on what age it's aimed at). Or you may have one who is a keen swimmer, the others not. What would DH have you do then - let the keen swimmer go without or drag everyone kicking and screaming to a pool every week? Siblings sometimes don't attend the same things. My, 18 month younger, sister loved swimming - I hated it. So mum would take DSis and dad would take me out on my bike or to the park or we'd stay at home watching a film. There is no need for DH to make a big deal out of it unless you've deliberately got tickets for your DS and not for DSC. Which you haven't.

As for the photos. Get him a dad equivalent of the 4 photo frame and he can choose photos of all his children for it. He could do a scrap book of his kids too or you could do one as a family with the DSC when they're next over. It's a nice craft thing and they can bring their own photos to add to it if you're organised.

As you said, their mum probably has the same thing in their own house.

And I imagine most parents on here don't do a whole new family scrap book every time a new addition joins the family. I only have one DS. But if I had more then DS 1 would have a scrap book, DS/D 2 would have a separate one of just them when they came along. I may do a blended one at some point, I may not. But if you have DSC the chances are they have something like that or a baby book which their parents put together for them when they were babies. So they're not missing out - they've just outgrown that stage.

And if DH wants all this then DH can easily do it. I'm sure, when they're with you on a scheduled day, you do things with them as a family. If DH and his ex throw extra days at you, you can't be held responsible if you've got mum and son stuff planned. That's bad planning on his part and he needs to sort it out.

Tigersauros · 02/11/2021 12:11

"I'm a step mum and I wouldn't, I don't really take any pictures of my DSS and those pictures don't really mean anything special to me, though they do to my DP, naturally. There's nothing surprising about OP not being bothered about this."

wow...do your sc mean nothing to you? how long have you known them?

Pheasantlysurprised · 02/11/2021 12:12

No fucking body, especially his father, would make me feel guilty about obsessing over my 10 month off child. Just no.
And I say this as someone who never had kids.
Do not feel pressured about this OP. Surely you are supposed to feel this way whilst he is so young, even with sc.

Carryonmarion · 02/11/2021 12:12

It is just impossible for step children who have biological families on both sides involved in their upbringing to have everything equal. My DSC live with us full time and have miles more savings than my DCs because I was a skint single mum when they were younger where as DH was on a good salary and worked in investments so was very finacially-savvy. DH is now a stay at home Dad for DSC and ferrys them to and from school. I used childminders and my DCs got the bus. We can't erase history.
This is the reality of step families, however much we care for our DSC and if its made into a big deal, the children will focus on everyone having the same when it is just not possible. Your DH is dreaming if he thinks he can pretend all the children can have everything the same and equal and it is not fair to spoil your experience of being a mother with his fantasies of how things "should" be. As long as all the children feel loved and appreciated they will be fine. It's not that hard for children to separate the role of parent and step parent as long as the adults don't try to pretend they are the same thing.

Pheasantlysurprised · 02/11/2021 12:12

month old, not month off.

Tigersauros · 02/11/2021 12:16

"Has the OP even said what she the SC are?"

what did you mean? sorry couldnt decipher question. Regarding changing dynamics, why is that a bad thing? if they dont spend time together, it will always be awkward. Why not get encourage getting passed the awkward phase and be a blended family?

Carryonmarion · 02/11/2021 12:17

@Flainling Totally, yes, general family pictures with step kids in the allbum: very nice. Those pictures happen naturally. But I think I speak for most step kids when I agree, yes, a photo album dedicated to each of us would be really odd and you’re welcome to dedicate your crafting time to your baby. Our mothers have already done those photo albums

Another step child here to second this with bells on

saraclara · 02/11/2021 12:18

I have two daughters. When they were young they had different interests and enthusiasms, and different attitudes to going out/being a homebird. I did loads of things with only one of them, as did their dad.

It's ridiculous to say that everyone has to do the same thing. And FFS, in the OP's example the SC's dad wasn't even going on the outing himself! It was an OP and GP outing with the baby.

There are some really weird attitudes on this thread. OP makes the SC very welcome, they love their little DB, all is good. Their mum is their mum, so she does their albums/savings etc. If their dad wants to do some too, he's very welcome to. But it's not OP's job, and I can only imagine their actual mum's OP on MumsNet if she felt OP was over-stepping and acting as if the DSC were her own.

Original poster
Flainling · 02/11/2021 12:21

@Tigersauros

"Has the OP even said what she the SC are?"

what did you mean? sorry couldnt decipher question. Regarding changing dynamics, why is that a bad thing? if they dont spend time together, it will always be awkward. Why not get encourage getting passed the awkward phase and be a blended family?

Because maybe sometimes they do just want to spend time with DS? My parents for example don't have 3 grandchildren, they have one. Is it not okay for them to just want to spend some time with him alone?

It's not that it's awkward. But the relationship is different hence the different dynamic if I'm always bringing DSC along too.

OP posts:
SlugRose · 02/11/2021 12:22

@aSofaNearYou

Mehhhhh if it's one of those frames where you can put multiple photos in I'm surprised you didn't at least have one of maybe all the children together.... I'm a step mum and I would've done that naturally - not out of a sense of duty but because I actually would want to have them in the frame too.

I'm a step mum and I wouldn't, I don't really take any pictures of my DSS and those pictures don't really mean anything special to me, though they do to my DP, naturally. There's nothing surprising about OP not being bothered about this.

I agree there's no way I would naturally get a photo of the step kids and put it in a frame by my bed. They'd be weirded out
SlugRose · 02/11/2021 12:26

@Flainling

I find it mind boggling that anyone thinks my son should spend his life switching and changing plans on the whim of his father and his exes ever changing schedule as well to be honest.

It's not his fault plans changed in regards to his siblings. Should he miss out on prearranged things with his family because of it? Okay so you can argue a 10 month old won't care but when does it end? At 1? 3? 5 years old and still having to change what he's doing at the last minute because now contact day has changed again and we can't possibly leave the house without DSC?

Also you can't insist your family treat SC the same as their grandchildren/niece/nephew. The DSC have never thought of my parents or my siblings as grandparents or aunties. It would be weird to now start insisting they were.

You'd be surprised...I've seen so many threads on here where OP gets disgusting replies just because their family don't see the DSC the same as the DC even if they've only met twice etc! And for some reason people think the DC should come last to the DSC always.. it's so weird!
HouseOfFire · 02/11/2021 12:27

@Flainling

Yes I'm going back to work part time next month
I'd recommend full time!
aSofaNearYou · 02/11/2021 12:34

@Tigersauros

"I'm a step mum and I wouldn't, I don't really take any pictures of my DSS and those pictures don't really mean anything special to me, though they do to my DP, naturally. There's nothing surprising about OP not being bothered about this."

wow...do your sc mean nothing to you? how long have you known them?

Such a predictable leap to make. I've known him for 5 years and no he doesn't mean "nothing" to me, but pictures of him with my DD don't have any special emotive value for me the way they do for my DP. Why would they? If that is shocking to you then perhaps you are very sensitive.
diddl · 02/11/2021 12:35

@Flainling

I meant fuck off guilt tripping me for enjoying my first child. Not literally fuck off as in leave.
Seems to me that with your different parenting & his attitude towards all of his kids you might be heading towards the latter!
CornishGem1975 · 02/11/2021 12:38

I agree with you @aSofaNearYou I don't take photos of my SC either and a photo of them with my DC doesn't mean a lot to me, but it does to my DP, and he'll take some that go up on the walls etc.

black2black · 02/11/2021 12:38

I have a family frame with about 10 pictures in it and have made sure my SKs feature in it along with our own DC. I wouldn’t want them to feel left out.

SlugRose · 02/11/2021 12:39

wow...do your sc mean nothing to you? how long have you known them DSC can mean something to you without having to produce photo albums and arrange days out and savings accounts. I mean it seems like OP's DH hasn't bothered to do any of this and you're not jumping up and down saying they don't mean anything to him.

OP - DH is just trying to outsource his parenting, ignore him.

SlugRose · 02/11/2021 12:40

@black2black

I have a family frame with about 10 pictures in it and have made sure my SKs feature in it along with our own DC. I wouldn’t want them to feel left out.
My DSC wouldn't give a toss if they were in it or not as DH has got some nice pics up of them himself.
Original poster
Flainling · 02/11/2021 12:41

@black2black

I have a family frame with about 10 pictures in it and have made sure my SKs feature in it along with our own DC. I wouldn’t want them to feel left out.
If someone bought you a photo frame which had a quote on it specifically about becoming a mother to a son and held 4 pictures, you'd put photos of your step children in it?
OP posts:
Original poster
Flainling · 02/11/2021 12:42

It's not in the main house either it's on my dressing table in our room. There are pictures of DSC up in the rest of the house.

OP posts: