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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Birthday parties? Who goes?

82 replies

Itsbeen84yearss · 18/10/2021 15:00

When your stepchildren have big birthday parties do you go along with your partner/ husband to the party?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

girlmom21 · 18/10/2021 15:02

You absolutely should, IMO.
I'm not a step parent but I'd be disappointed if my step mom had ever missed a party for me.

RedMarauder · 18/10/2021 15:12

Depends on the age of the child.

Under 12 nope.

12 - 17 they should be spending it with their mates not with their parents.

18+ if they invite your partner/spouse and you get on with them then you are rude not to go unless they have specifically not invited you. They will also have other people who know to keep hostile parents apart.

AnneLovesGilbert · 18/10/2021 15:13

We’re never had joint parties. Much easier! So I’m no help, sorry. I guess it’s up to the host?

RedMarauder · 18/10/2021 15:13

Should have added I was a step child :)

Patroney · 18/10/2021 15:28

Depends on venue I think. At the ExW house with all her family and friends... nope. At an external venue where you don't necessarily have to converse with certain people... maybe... but probably still nope.

Original poster

Itsbeen84yearss · 18/10/2021 15:32

Try to avoid drip feed. Get on well with sc ( primary school age) mother has been abusive to me in the past. Party is church hall and jointly paid for. Our children together will be going. Due to COVID and a few other factors this hasn’t come up before

OP posts:

Pebbledashery · 18/10/2021 15:35

I wouldn't expect to go if I wasn't at least on civil terms with the ex...I would just expect the child to have 2 parties! not a nice position for anyone to be excluded from, however nice that the child gets 2 parties!

Idontlike · 18/10/2021 15:45

I wouldn’t expect to go in your circumstances. If the mother is likely to act like that it would ruin the poor DSC party.

I’d sit this one out then do them a birthday tea next time they are at your house.

CarbonMonoxideParty · 18/10/2021 16:00

My ex brought his partner now wife from really early on.

Tbh it was fine because one of us does parent chit chat and one sorts the food
Also. I have a view that extra adults are helpful.
Or maybe that's just me as single parent. She's not the OW or anything. Quite nice actually 😁 her presence seems to ensure exH behaves himself towards me.

Pebbledashery · 18/10/2021 16:04

I think it's hugely dependent on the dynamic. If she's been abusive to you, I actually wouldn't even want to go if I was you. Not worth the hassle.

RedMarauder · 18/10/2021 16:09

OP you have drip fed as their ages and the fact she has been abusive to you already are important initial facts.

Anyway please don't turn up to the party in case she tries to cause a scene. It will upset your children and her own.

CarbonMonoxideParty · 18/10/2021 16:09

@Pebbledashery

I think it's hugely dependent on the dynamic. If she's been abusive to you, I actually wouldn't even want to go if I was you. Not worth the hassle.

With abuse from ex, no way.

I'd celebrate the birthday separately with the child without the mother present.

Original poster

Itsbeen84yearss · 18/10/2021 16:16

@RedMarauder

OP you have drip fed as their ages and the fact she has been abusive to you already are important initial facts.

Anyway please don't turn up to the party in case she tries to cause a scene. It will upset your children and her own.

I did clarify in my second post. Wasn’t my intention to drip feed. My misgiving about not going is the fact our shared children will want to be there so feel a bit odd plus worried about her with them. Dh will be there but he might be busy entertaining.

OP posts:

Idontlike · 18/10/2021 16:25

Dh will be there but he might be busy entertaining

Do you not trust him to keep an eye out for your joint children? You really can’t go and risk the birthday party being upsetting for the birthday DC.
If the ex has been abusive she’s hardly going to be happy if you show up. Either trust DH to keep an eye on the kids or send him alone without your children.
For the sake of SDC.

RedMarauder · 18/10/2021 16:28

OP can you send another relative or close friend to attend to your shared children instead?

The alternative is that they just don't go if you don't trust your DH to focus on their needs. Instead you just take them out elsewhere.

You are allowed to have boundaries on this.

RandomCatGenerator · 18/10/2021 16:31

My stepdad came to my jointly arranged 18th - but that’s mostly because he’s a fairly muscly guy who looks like someone you wouldn’t mess with, and my dad conceded that in the event of a fight or drunken idiocy he was probably the better option!

I agree with PP: separate parties would be easiest. Given acrimony towards you from the mother, I wouldn’t put myself through it if I was you.

FawnFrenchieMum · 18/10/2021 16:33

Depends on where the party is and if its been jointly organised.

We had some that they mums that we never went to (DH included), some at ours that she didn't come to and some ones we jointly organised and paid for. We all went and just stayed with our own friends and family.

If its jointly organised at a neutral venue then I would go.

LittleMysSister · 18/10/2021 16:33

I would definitely go if your shared children are going.

Tbh though, in your shoes I wouldn't go (any of you) and would do something separate with SC on your time with them. That's what we have always done.

girlmom21 · 18/10/2021 16:34

@LittleMysSister

I would definitely go if your shared children are going.

Tbh though, in your shoes I wouldn't go (any of you) and would do something separate with SC on your time with them. That's what we have always done.

You wouldn't send their own siblings to their birthday party?

PineappleWaster · 18/10/2021 16:34

I'd just do separate parties tbh. I wouldn't want my DC to have any contact with an abusive woman, including being at a party with her.

If she hadn't been abusive to you I'd have said yes, if it's jointly funded and on neutral ground then you should go. But I'd have no desire to spend any time around someone who'd been abusive to me, and my kids wouldn't be either. I don't care who she happens to have given birth to.

PineappleWaster · 18/10/2021 16:35

You wouldn't send their own siblings to their birthday party?

If the host had been abusive to you? No... Why would you?

girlmom21 · 18/10/2021 16:36

@PineappleWaster

You wouldn't send their own siblings to their birthday party?

If the host had been abusive to you? No... Why would you?

Firstly because the kids are more important than the adults here.

Secondly because the OP's DH is a joint host.

PineappleWaster · 18/10/2021 16:36

Although I guess it depends what OP means by abusive. To me that word is more than just sending a few nasty texts about you when you first dated your husband.

Magda72 · 18/10/2021 16:37

Op I'm going to go against the grain here and say you should go. The party is being paid for jointly & your dc are the sdcs siblings - they should not have to stay away.
I understand your worry that your dh could be busy & you are worried about your dc so yes, I think your presence is needed there.
I would be saying different if the party wasn't being paid for jointly or if your dc weren't siblings.
In your shoes I would turn up & stay in the background & keep my cool no matter what. If she starts to cause a scene don't engage with her - she'll look like a right fool.

Not nice for the sdc but their other family cannot be kept at bay on all occasions just because their dm is ridiculous.

PineappleWaster · 18/10/2021 16:41

Firstly because the kids are more important than the adults here.

Yes ALL kids. Including OPs children. I would want to know how a woman who'd been abusive to me would treat my children. As I say it depends what OP means by abusive but that's a strong word in my book and I wouldn't have my children around that.

Secondly because the OP's DH is a joint host.

And? DHs husband can host whatever he likes. It still doesn't mean I'd be comfortable having my children around someone who'd abused me. And as OP says, hosts can often be busy with various things on the day.

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