Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Birthday parties? Who goes?

82 replies

Itsbeen84yearss · 18/10/2021 15:00

When your stepchildren have big birthday parties do you go along with your partner/ husband to the party?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

DFOD · 18/10/2021 18:00

Have you discussed concerns, options, preferences and approaches with your DH?

AnneLovesGilbert · 18/10/2021 18:11

Not helpful but there’s no way my husband would organise, fund or host a party with anyone who’d been abusive to me.

It’s not inevitably complicated as the DC grow, DH and his ex have never done joint things, the DC would be very confused if they started now. Surely one of the few perks of divorced parents is two birthdays.

Blended families work on a constant balance of needs and wants. No SDC’s wish for a big joint party should trump their SP’s need to stay away from someone who’s behaved very badly.

And hell would freeze over before my DC was in the company of someone who wasn’t civilised toward me. My DSC mum isn’t that bad but it’s not my DC’s fault she’s my DSC mum and their relationship is completely separate from her or her family.

candlelightsatdawn · 18/10/2021 18:19

I mean this is situational. I would because likely hood my DH ex would ask me and it would feel rude to decline. The ex also says DH is always on best behaviour with me around and we tend to tease DH jointly much to SD amusement. So it works but that's our situation and if definitively not the rule.

If I had ex who was openly hostile to me then it's a no. Why would I do that to myself ? Gah no big present sent to SD and waving them off cheerfully from the side would be my approach

On the flip side I would be asking my ex's new partner to come to my daughters party which is coming up but my ex has said he doesn't want her there yet as it's fairly new (yearish mark) and his family are there and he's not ready to throw her to the wolves yet. His family are a handle full and they get on with me so I don't want her to be like, here's all my family plus his plus me plus DH. It's a lot. So the non invite isn't because I don't like her.

candlelightsatdawn · 18/10/2021 18:26

@Igneo

Has your presence been discussed at the planning stage of this party? See, your DH should have made it clear whether he expected you to attend or not from the planning stage, and if so got the ex wife to agree to be civil. If he’s saying ‘it’s up to you’, he’s being a twat.

Agreed with this actually. I would be expecting DH to be protecting and defending me and DC and serious conversation had ahead of time - if there was any type of exception overt or otherwise to me going.

Fashionesta · 18/10/2021 18:27

How old are the kids. Older kids eg 8 and over doing something with small group of friends no need for all parents. Young children having all class parties and the fact you have more than one DC yourselves suggest close overlap. Not judging just saying that is often where tensions lie.

Personally I could absolutely go to a party with ex DPs wife and she was OW. I actually quite like her now. That's because time heals, it's water under the bridge and the kids are most important. That said I never sent abusive texts (although had plenty abusive thoughts on my head).

Context is everything. Amicable split? No reason why you can't all spend a day together. Bitter acrimonious and potentially an overlap? Tbh I would probably sit this one out. The main thing is the kids enjoy it.

Sprig1 · 18/10/2021 18:31

I would not go if there is any chance of any 'trouble' even if that's just a bad atmosphere. It's the child's party and everything possible should be done to ensure that they have a good time.

MeridianB · 18/10/2021 18:45

In your situation, it would be much better if you and DH hosted a separate celebration for his DCs. I realise that the children may like having both parents there but it’s just not always possible to do this when there’s serious conflict.

In general, if he paid half and is helping to organise and host then you should absolutely be able to go. But in this case, it sounds like a recipe for trouble. I’d probably keep my DC away, too if the ex was that much of a problem. What are the ages?

Definitely time for a chat with DH to make this the last joint year.

Woodmarsh · 18/10/2021 18:59

In your circumstances, no way

AutumnLeafy · 18/10/2021 19:01

I wouldn't be sending my kids to anywhere the abusive ex was.

AutumnLeafy · 18/10/2021 19:25

If they are old enough just be honest and say sometimes ex wife's don't like the new partners and their family so you're not going. I told my dsc's once that the reason I wasn't allowed to join them to be dropped of is because it upsets their mum. They are old enough to handle the truth

YourMumsFanny · 18/10/2021 19:27

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

CornishGem1975 · 18/10/2021 21:21

Never. Each parent does they're own party for the kids.

Tattler2 · 18/10/2021 23:34

I think that tere are 2 very good reasons for not going anyplace: 1. It is a place that you do not wish to go or 2. It is a place where you are not wanted. Those are my guiding principles in deciding whether I will go any place. Occasionally they are work or professional obligations that I attend even though I might rather not, but beyond that I use my guiding principles.

I am always amazed at the number of people who insist that they must attend a wedding to support a partner. I can never fathom why a parent would need support to attend their own child's wedding, and I don't dislike anyone enough to want
to make them unhappy on their wedding day by inflicting my unwanted presence on their special day.

Beamur · 18/10/2021 23:40

When my SC were primary school aged, they mostly had a party at their Mums. I didn't go. As they got older they did more activity based stuff, sometimes with their Mum, sometimes Dad. But most years we also had a birthday tea/dinner out which both parents, me and Mums DH all were invited. We're all ok with this, kids liked it

Tattler2 · 18/10/2021 23:48

I think generally young children only care that cake, presents ,and some friends are at the party. I doubt they give much thought beyond fun ,presents, and cake. Older children can articulate who it is that they would like to be present at these events.

I think that the adults involved tend to create or anticipate issues and friction where it would otherwise not exist.

flowerbomb21 · 20/10/2021 07:44

My partner is never allowed at his dd parties that her mother has. I no he would like to go but he's not invited. We hav our own party. However I have a dd with my ex n every single party I've always invited him n Mrs n kids I don't see the issue x

Original poster

Itsbeen84yearss · 20/10/2021 09:49

I’ve managed to enlist my sister to go ‘to help out’ and keep an eye on the situation. I know she’ll make sure my dc are ok so I feel a lot less anxious about it now. Thanks everyone for input

OP posts:

AutumnLeafy · 20/10/2021 09:50

So your sister is going? But you're not?

Original poster

Itsbeen84yearss · 20/10/2021 09:50

And no this will not be happening again. Separate parties from now on.

OP posts:

AutumnLeafy · 20/10/2021 09:51

You should be sending your kids anywhere you have to send protection!

Original poster

Itsbeen84yearss · 20/10/2021 09:52

@AutumnLeafy

So your sister is going? But you're not?

Yes dc auntie will go. I’m going to be ‘working’ and I’ll make a cake for dsc for us to have on our time

OP posts:

Igneo · 20/10/2021 18:21

Has your DH admitted he’s a twat for not considering you at the planning stage?

NilPoisDrama · 20/10/2021 22:00

Hi OP,

I have experience of birthday parties. My DSS was 8 in the summer. DP & I planned the party as requested by DSS, paid for by us and held at our house- again as requested by DSS. DSS mum asked if she could come to the party for, we agreed as we’ve all had a pretty amicable relationship up until then. However, day of the party came and she was horrible, completely ignored me & DP in front of family members and made it really obvious that she didn’t like me. Luckily the children didn’t pick up on anything. Since then it’s really tainted our relationship and we rarely speak now. DP was disgusted by her behaviour and his family asked how I was after the way she was, so it was pretty obvious.
Next year we have decided if DSS would like a birthday party it will be on mutual grounds and if mum wants to be there she can pay towards it. Although I would go as I have been to previous parties and it would be strange not to.

Hope you make the right decision for the children and explain to the child why you can’t be there if you decide not to go.

Big hugs 🌸

mummytotwoboys0600 · 21/10/2021 20:43

I absolutely think you should go. Stand united as a family with your husband and children. If you get on well with your step child and it's jointly paid for and husband's family are going, why would you sit it out. To me it would show you in a bad light if you didn't go. In others points of view, you'll be the bad one as "not caring". Go, enjoy the party with your family.

gogohm · 21/10/2021 20:49

We all go. I get on ok with dps ex. My dd goes too. The other way around exh has an on off relationship and doesn't want to come to family things so he joins dp and I for my dc, dps dd comes too. All amicable so helps

Flip

1 2 3 4