Birthday parties? Who goes?

[Itsbeen84yearss]

When your stepchildren have big birthday parties do you go along with your partner/ husband to the party?

@girlmom21 the OP (rightly) hasn't told us the abusive she received.

So if it is more than a few nasty texts I wouldn't even send my children to the party.

@PineappleWaster

Although I guess it depends what OP means by abusive. To me that word is more than just sending a few nasty texts about you when you first dated your husband.

It’s not that sort of thing. I wouldn’t be bothered about a few texts. Too outing to go into

You don't have to tell us or justify anything OP. I wouldn't have someone around my kid who I described as abusive toward me, absolutely not. I wouldn't care if my husband were there or not, especially if he was the host of the party so likely to be busy a lot of the time.

If the kids are young enough id just say 'oh unfortunately X and Y have something else on that day' and have a sibling celebration another time, tea out, cinema/bowling etc.. whatever.

Put it this way girlmom, my ex is /was abusive. Physically and emotionally. Absolutely horrible man. Do you think my now husband should have a no say if I wanted to take our child somewhere where my ex would be? Should he not get to say no just because I'll be there so it's fine?

@PineappleWaster

If the kids are young enough id just say 'oh unfortunately X and Y have something else on that day' and have a sibling celebration another time, tea out, cinema/bowling etc.. whatever.

That’s not going to fly with the older one unfortunately. There’s already been a lot of excited talk about it. We’re not near family to send a relative either. I fear I’m going to come off the bad guy whatever I do here

@PineappleWaster

Put it this way girlmom, my ex is /was abusive. Physically and emotionally. Absolutely horrible man. Do you think my now husband should have a no say if I wanted to take our child somewhere where my ex would be? Should he not get to say no just because I'll be there so it's fine?

You can decide whether you want to go. DH can decide whether he wants to go.

I can't imagine you'd plan a party with your ex though.

I can't imagine you'd plan a party with your ex though

That is literally what OPs husband is doing. You can't imagine any scenario where someone may have to plan a kids party with their ex? I don't know, maybe they have kids together?

Yes we can both decide if we want to go. But my husband would still be in his rights as our child's father to say "I don't want my child around an abusive man". Who gets to decide whether our child goes or not?

I fear I’m going to come off the bad guy whatever I do here

Well OP if you're going to be the bad guy whatever you do then you do what's best for your DC. Which imo would be either them not going at all or you going so you can keep an eye on them.

I wouldn't trust someone who'd been abusive to me to be kind to my children to be honest and whilst yes DH is there he's also hosting the party and doesn't have eyes in the back of his head.

@PineappleWaster oh I think you misunderstood my comment about DH being a joint host.
I don't think that he should force OP to send the kids because he's the host, that's not what I meant.

I mentioned him being a joint host because you said about the host being abusive.
One host is abusive, the other is OP's husband. It's not like the ex is the only host so has full control over the party, was my point.

[quote girlmom21]@PineappleWaster oh I think you misunderstood my comment about DH being a joint host.
I don't think that he should force OP to send the kids because he's the host, that's not what I meant.

I mentioned him being a joint host because you said about the host being abusive.
One host is abusive, the other is OP's husband. It's not like the ex is the only host so has full control over the party, was my point. [/quote]
I understand. I just don't see what difference it makes. Yes OPs husband will be a host. That's his choice. I personally would have done separate parties in his shoes but hey ho he's decided to jointly host a party with his abusive ex.

Him being there wouldn't change the fact I'd feel uncomfortable with my children being there.

@girlmom21

You wouldn't send their own siblings to their birthday party?

No, not if the ex has been abusive towards me. I absolutely wouldn't want her around my children without me being there and tbh wouldn't particularly want them around her even if I was.

Secondly because the OP's DH is a joint host.

If he's actually a joint host then I would definitely be going with him, although tbh this would never happen as my DP would not host a party with his ex if she had been abusive towards me. We would do something special to celebrate the birthday separately.

When my SCs have a birthday party my DP sometimes contributes money but he doesn't attend himself. We celebrate SC's birthdays with DP's family on our weekend with them.

I would just organise another celebration. Its really not worth the hassle. If she's abusive to you and you react it'll cause a scene, both you and the kids will be upset. It's seriously not worth it.

I fear I’m going to come off the bad guy whatever I do here

OP, you can't be the bad guy for taking your children to a birthday party.

If they are dead set on going then you go with them, end of. It won't be you that starts any issues on the day so don't even worry about it.

@LittleMysSister he has avoided this so far. We’ve done separate things but it gets more difficult as they get older, want bigger parties and want all their family there.

You wouldn't send their own siblings to their birthday party?

I think it's interesting that people never consider the possibility that spending time with their father's ex wife might be emotionally uncomfortable for the children of his second marriage.

I wouldn't in a million years want to send my child to a party hosted by my DHs ex who had been abusive to me, but even aside from that I don't think it should be overlooked that the situation might prove unpleasant emotionally for the younger children, depending on what they know of the family circumstances.

I think the faux shock that OP wouldn't want to send her children off without her to protect them in this situation is a bit silly.

[quote Itsbeen84yearss]@LittleMysSister he has avoided this so far. We’ve done separate things but it gets more difficult as they get older, want bigger parties and want all their family there.[/quote]
Yeah I get how it can come to happen.

BUT I think in a situation where his ex is abusive towards you, the option for having all the family there just isn't available, because it's ridiculous that your husband and children would attend but you can't because the ex might kick off.

If ex is liable to kick off, then the joint party thing should be a no-go.

I would go if I was you. You, your DH and DC are a family, as are the DSC to. you all, despite DH how their DM has behaved in the past.

If the party is in a church hall, it'll be easy for your to either avoid her, or be civil in passing, I'm sure there'll be enough people in attendance for it not to be an issue.

Although the DSC DM. Has Bowen abusive in the last, if she has never done so in front of them (or other people), I doubt she'd start now, particularly at her own DCs birthday.

*Although the DSM DM has been abusive

I wouldn't let my (young) DC attend the party without me in this scenario, given the DH would be too busy sorting things out. Too much opportunity for the DM to take out her issues with me, on my DC.

@aSofaNearYou

You wouldn't send their own siblings to their birthday party?

I think it's interesting that people never consider the possibility that spending time with their father's ex wife might be emotionally uncomfortable for the children of his second marriage.

I wouldn't in a million years want to send my child to a party hosted by my DHs ex who had been abusive to me, but even aside from that I don't think it should be overlooked that the situation might prove unpleasant emotionally for the younger children, depending on what they know of the family circumstances.

I think the faux shock that OP wouldn't want to send her children off without her to protect them in this situation is a bit silly.

Thank you for that. The other trouble now that you mention it is that the older one is sort of more aware of the situation, a bit of a blabber mouth and could put their foot in things.

We always alternated putting on a party for our Dd. I'd always invite her dad and his partner when it was my turn but they never came as apparently it was "too weird", and they'd never invite me when it was their turn. DD was a year old when we separated so this was her whole childhood without both parents at her parties. She didn't complain much but I found it sad.

As for my husbands children with his ex, he always used to go along. I wasnt welcome which was fine as dsd's mum would have been uncomfortable so it was more important to make the day stress free.

In an ideal world I think all adults should act like adults and be present for the child's special day.

I know my step children would be really upset if I didn't attend one of their birthday parties. I take the line that you can only do what you can do to make them happy, therefore if you know they would want you and your children there you should go. If their mother wants to make a scene and ruin it for them then that's on her head. You can't control what their mum does, you can only do the best at your end.

Has your presence been discussed at the planning stage of this party?
See, your DH should have made it clear whether he expected you to attend or not from the planning stage, and if so got the ex wife to agree to be civil.
If he’s saying ‘it’s up to you’, he’s being a twat.

Is there any way in future you can just not do a jointly funded party? Doesn’t help this year but I wouldn’t do it again (I never did a joint party with my ex. He did with his side and his friends if he wanted (rare! His mother did a birthday tea for mine and cousins) and I did my idea of a birthday party with their friends and usually out somewhere